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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to handle having parents who don't care and will not help and blame you always

30 replies

yummytummy · 03/05/2018 11:50

Hi not sure how to word this and keep it brief

Basically have always had issues with parents they are quite old fashioned set in ways and think their thoughts and ways of doing things are right and are the only way

We have never been close. Things deteriorated when I was in a violent abusive relationship and went to them with injuries and they basically said go back and don't anger or provoke your husband so no help there

They can't cope with the fact I escaped that situation and am divorced they think I'm a total failure

Since then I have been through a terrible time with court case and trying to find work etc. I have asked them for financial suppory to help for a few months if possible. They have money go on cruises travelling etc apart from money I have said many times now it's just me and kids I would like it if they stayed e.g. over Christmas and school hols and didn't travel then but no they only want what they want

There's much more but could write a book but latest is I've just had a email from father as I met them to try to say look I need support physically and financially etc but because I'm not doing exactly how father wants etc he is not happy. Everything is my fault I'm useless I shouldn't be asking for handouts I'm the problem I can't form relationships etc etc really nasty stuff when I already feel crap

I guess I just need help how to not let thus affect me to the point I can't function I have do much financial pressure single parent no help and they make things harder and just cause pain. I'm already lowest contact possible I don't want them anywhere near me or kids

How can I not feel destroyed by the fact they cannot see anything from my side and won't see how they hurt me and always blame me

It's consuming me am stressing about it and can't afford to as so much else to deal with am at my limit please help I know it's long and rambly

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2018 11:57

Do not give these people any more power over you. Block their attempts to contact you; their e-mails serve no purpose other than to upset you. If anyone has let you down here, its them and not your own self. You also escaped a violent relationship and that is indeed to your credit.

I would actually have no further contact with them from now on, they are not the nice parents you perhaps still want them to be and it does your children no favours either to see their grandparents so disrespect you as their mother. They will never give you the approval you still seek.

LanaorAna2 · 03/05/2018 12:05

Dear me, they're bad parents. Don't contact them - use the state, use charities, ask other people for help if you can. Good luck - you are one strong lady.

Wildlingofthewest · 03/05/2018 12:08

Cut them off. They are providing no positive influence or having any positive effect on your life what so ever. You don’t need the upset and the negativity they are dishing out. Cut them off, and move on with your own life.

Original poster
yummytummy · 03/05/2018 12:11

Thankyou so much for your replies. I need to try and break the power they have over me but it's so hard. I think even more now I'm a parent my mind can't grasp how they can treat their own child like this but I know my brother is the favourite and I haven't confirmed to the dutiful subdued keep quiet daughter type. It hurts they've never seen me for who I am

OP posts:
Original poster
yummytummy · 03/05/2018 12:11

Conformed

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2018 12:19

They will never see you for the good person you really are. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your brother's seems like one of "golden child" whereas your one here is "scapegoat" for all their inherent ills. I do not think its a coincidence that you were in an abusive relationship either; your parents certainly taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships.

Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt of them through seeing a therapist, BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Have a look also at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages too.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 03/05/2018 12:59

I had two parents like this. It took one of them dying to change the situation. And the parent who died wasn't even the main problem - it was just that their death left the other one alone and this made them much 'nicer' because they need me now. Power balance shift.

You can't change your parents or make them give you what you need. But you can make sure they don't damage you more and erode your self worth.

Put up very firm boundaries. Do what you can to get by without them.

Good luck OP Thanks

Original poster
yummytummy · 03/05/2018 13:12

Thankyou. It is so hard I don't have much self esteem anyway and I should stop fighting against it and accept they won't ever be any different. It's just I feel so isolated and vulnerable in the world there's no one behind me no parents no husband it's literally me fighting to stay afloat for my kids. It would be so easy to give up but I want my kids to have what I never did so I have to keep going somehow

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 03/05/2018 13:22

You are already winning the mental battle by not giving up. Stop looking for your parents to validate you - they won't or can't. You have to accept that their good opinion isn't worth having because they have the issues. Once you accept it then it gives you headspace and the peace to move forward.

Think about limiting what you tell your parents. If they don't want to or can't help you then they don't really deserve to be included. How does their involvement help you? It doesn't. It's just more emotional noise that you need to filter out.

On a practical note, look for all ways to reduce your outgoings. Find alternative support networks. Do whatever it takes to get by for now. Doing this by yourself and for you and your children will bring you the greatest sense of pride and achievement. You will be ok.

rach01pink · 03/05/2018 13:31

Be grateful you have parents, or any family for that matter ;)

Original poster
yummytummy · 03/05/2018 13:35

rach01pink that's not really helpful

OP posts:
Smellyrose · 03/05/2018 13:38

Ignore rach01 - you don’t need to be grateful for having parents when they treat you the way they do.

Wildlingofthewest · 03/05/2018 13:57

She doesn’t need to be grateful for having people in her life who treat her like shit and make her feel terrible. Being related to someone doesn’t give them carte Blanche to use you as an emotional punching bag.

PoisonousSmurf · 03/05/2018 14:00

At least you have parents. You are an adult, they've done their job.

XJerseyGirlX · 03/05/2018 14:01

Fucking hell &rach01... bitter much?

Wildlingofthewest · 03/05/2018 14:05

@poisonoussmurf & @rach01pink - your comments are ridiculous- having parents (or anyone in your life) who treat you badly or are emotionally/physically abusive or who have nothing but a negative impact on your life are not something you need to be grateful for! Don’t put your issues into other people.

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/05/2018 14:08

Hi yummy

Your parents aren't good enough lovely

Their care of you wasn't good enough to show you your true worth, this led to you choosing someone to marry who wasn't good enough

The lessons and care they should have shown you have to be learnt by you from other sources. Until you do, the life patterns keep repeating themselves, even on to the next generation.

If you start from the I will be good enough for my own kids, then you break the cycle. You sound like you have already started that journey, so,except the praise that people are sending you and take strength from it.

Love yourself unconditionally, this always shows others how they should love you too, accept no other substitute in your life.

Sending you strength and warm wishes, you've got this you will survive, you have come through worse. 💐

merrygoround51 · 03/05/2018 14:14

The job we have as loved ones to anyone is to help them when they most need our help - this applies to our friends and our family but especially our children.

I dont know if there is a long background where your parents have been providing emotional and financial support for many years. If they have and from their point of view you are making the same mistakes, well then maybe they have given all they can give.

But if it is the case that you have not always been this reliant on them then it is very unkind of them not to support you and your children.

If all they can offer is no help and criticism then keep your distance and look to state and local services for support.

Original poster
yummytummy · 03/05/2018 14:50

Merrygoround they have never provided anything financially or emotionally i have always been independent this is the first time I have ever asked for financial help as my situation is so desperate and this is the response I get

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 03/05/2018 15:23

Yummy well in that case that is just plain old cruel so you are well within your rights to distance yourself - you wont find any help there.

Original poster
yummytummy · 03/05/2018 18:46

its hard i feel like if parents never loved or cared for me and then ex-h was abusive so didn't either so then how am i supposed to love myself or have any sense that i'm worth anything. i cant understand why when i went to parents with my injuries from the abuse there was no anger on my behalf. i've always had to fight through everything alone and when i'm at my lowest ebb they just make it worse. i wont have any more contact but how can i stop them haunting me i cant afford to let them take more of my energy when i have none left

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/05/2018 19:38

You have a hard road ahead of you. First step is to ditch them - you will never have self esteem when the 2 people who should be there for you above all else treat you this way. (It's them not you - you know ghat right?)

BarbarianMum · 03/05/2018 19:38

that Blush

Original poster
yummytummy · 03/05/2018 19:42

Is it them though I feel like maybe I am a terrible person if even parents never cared for me

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 03/05/2018 19:49

It would be lovely and massively helpful to you if your parents were there for you when you need support. Fact is, and it seems like an unchangeable fact, they are not. Worse than that, the are actually detrimental to you by undermining your self-confidence. Stop hoping they will change. Stop letting their judgement get inside your head. You need to do this without the and you can, you just need to believe you can. If you're parents don't care for you it's not because you're flawed, it's because they are.