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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me I can do this - help me stay strong!

50 replies

DaffodilPower · 03/05/2018 11:10

Ok, so you may have seen my previous post.. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3219242-How-to-have-the-conversation

I'm picking up my keys next week, have ordered my furniture etc..

But he's crying, telling me he loves me, saying I'll regret leaving, and now I am waivering, feeling bad and unsure.

I hate seeing him cry, and I'm worried about him.

Please help me stay strong xxx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/05/2018 11:16

What a manipulative asshole he is.
It's all about HIM isn't it.
You know for a fact you will NOT regret leaving.
Stop pandering to his tears and worrying about him.
He's a grown up.
You have to look after yourself and he has to do the same for himself.
You will never agree on kids.
You want them and he doesn't.
You will regret NOT leaving him and NOT having them.
You can't just switch off wanting kids.
It doesn't go away.
It just gets stronger.
Get gone, get out there and live your new life.
And what happens, happens.
Think of him as a pathetic sniveling wreck.
He led you a merry dance for 5 years.
Stop wasting any more time thinking about HIM.
Focus on you and what you want.

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 03/05/2018 11:22

@hellsbells Will you come and stand behind me and shout this at me every time I feel bad for him?!

I know he's a grown up and can look out for himself.. I just feel so guilty about leaving him to handle everything alone. I know that's wrong - is it normal to feel this guilt?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/05/2018 11:24

He is emotionally blackmailing you.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

You will get sucked back into a life of misery.

Go out and make the life YOU want for YOU.

And everything Hellsbells just said!

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 03/05/2018 11:25

@GreenFingers, thank you - I am really finding it hard to stay strong...

I need it to be Wednesday now!!

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 03/05/2018 11:26

Everything that hellsbells said. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn't want what you want out of a relationship.

Go, run as fast as you possibly can. Say in your head "I deserve better and I can easily find better" over & over again until you believe it yourself!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/05/2018 11:30

Is there a friend you can go and stay with for a night or two this weekend? Might help to get you away from the situation. Or could you afford a night in a cheap hotel?

yetmorecrap · 03/05/2018 11:39

It's so hard OP when you have a crying wreck in front of you who isn't a bad person, but it's never a good idea to stay because you feel sorry for someone. He can't offer what you want, so if you stayed resentment would kick in and one day you will just 'flip' . I had this in my first marriage (not same reasons as you) , he most definitely didn't want to split so I made the decision and you know what 8 weeks later he had a new girlfriend, and seemed as happy as Larry. They subsequently married. I was a bit hurt initially that I was rather easily replaceable but realised that's just how some men 'get over it' and I'm glad he went on to be happy. Stay strong, it's the right decision for you

Mary2322 · 03/05/2018 12:16

This reply has been deleted

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Dvg · 03/05/2018 12:24

I know its hard and an upsetting time but at least you know that in the long run its for the best, you want children and he doesn't, he felt his need to not have a child was valued over the relationship so its best if the both of you find someone that is right for you and can give you what you need, no matter how sad it is.

I know i myself couldn't go through life never having children even if it meant being a single mum especially as who's to say that if you stay and don't have children that he wont up and leave when it suits him and when its too late for you to get what you always wanted.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 03/05/2018 13:53

Of course you can do it ! I believe in you. He WILL be bereft ( just maybe NOT for the reasons he is telling you ) ... he’s spent a lot of time getting you to surpress all the things that you wish for yourself and putting up with his bizarre behaviour. You deserve better - and it’s within reach - stay strong.

SilverySurfer · 03/05/2018 14:02

Of course he's anivellling, he now has to actually make some effort to find someone else to put up with him. Well done OP - please don't weaken.

Adora10 · 03/05/2018 14:08

I'd cry too if i was about to lose my cushy set up which benefited me greatly, his tears are only for that.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 14:10

I fucking HATE men who pull this kind of emotional blackmailing bollocks because a woman will not sacrifice her fertility for him when he can swan off at any time and sprog off. What an arsehole! He only cares about himself and not getting his way. That's all. He doesn't love you, if he loved you he'd let you go because he wouldn't want you to give up on kids for him when it means so much to you.

You will never, ever regret leaving a man who doesn't want kids when you do.

Yes, it's hard, I had to divorce my ex at the age of 30 for the same reason, but it's the right thing to do. I am now married and had three kids.

Can you stay somewhere else? I'd put a hotel on a credit card, tbh. Do NOT engage with him or engage as little as possible.

He's sad because he's not getting his way.

IceSwan · 03/05/2018 14:10

Go out of there and go get those babies you want

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 14:21

Honestly, I'd get a credit card and use it to book an AirB&B. I'd take a week off work so I could stay with family if possible. Just read your other thread. Gawd, he is a weapons grade cunt. He's upset he'll actually have to get off his lazy arse and work to pay his bills rather than continue to have his girlfriend sub him in life whilst he emotionally abuses her and checks she takes her pill every day and won't go out unless you're at work. He sounds dangerous. Get the hell away from him.

Wilma55 · 03/05/2018 14:24

I thought you were staying at your mums so why is he contacting you?

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 03/05/2018 14:36

Thank you all for your support and advice.. I am staying with family so at least that's something..

@Wilma55 I know, I should just block him, right? So why can't I?!

I know I can't/shouldn't/won't go back but my god this is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. I feel like I am breaking another human being and that is an awful feeling - however imagined it may be Sad

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 14:38

You can block him. He's abusive to you. He's broken you, not the other way round, and he still wants to do so because you enable his cushy life.

I'd rope in your mates and family to block this guy for you.

He's poisonous. I have nightmares about my kids getting involved with twats like this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/05/2018 14:54

I feel like I am breaking another human being

You are NOT.

I promise you!

This is him still manipulating him, and making you THINK this is what you are going.

Please block him and get that bastard out of your head. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/05/2018 14:54

*doing not going!

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 04/05/2018 19:01

Another day closer to Wednesday! How are you doing ?

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 08/05/2018 07:41

Thank you again for all your help - it's really hard, but I'm getting there, I just need to get rid of this god awful guilt complex!!

@Isaid, Thankfully I've had a wonderful weekend at my mums, and had my phone turned off for the duration, so I've managed to relax...!

I've not heard from the estate agent since last Tuesday, so I am getting a little concerned it's going to go wrong somehow, but I'm sure it'll be fine..!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 08/05/2018 08:52

Of course he’s devasted, his meal ticket is walking away and he’ll have to be responsible for things like his NI all by himself.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2018 09:54

I'm so glad you had a nice weekend.
Now stop with the guilt.
HE is guilt tripping YOU!
And you are falling for it.
Hook line and sinker.
This is YOU and YOUR life.
Please consider blocking him.
I know it's hard but it will be the best thing you do for yourself.
Phone that EA and get this sorted out today.

Original poster
DaffodilPower · 09/05/2018 07:58

So, just when I'm being strong..

My nan has been taken by ambulance to A&E, suspected appendicitis, but tests have shown it's a probably cancerous large abdominal mass.. I've called the EA to try and get seen earlier so I can be there before she goes for surgery..

Bloody hell, just wish the ground would swallow me up!!

OP posts: