Please tell me I can do this - help me stay strong!

[DaffodilPower]

Ok, so you may have seen my previous post.. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3219242-How-to-have-the-conversation

I'm picking up my keys next week, have ordered my furniture etc..

But he's crying, telling me he loves me, saying I'll regret leaving, and now I am waivering, feeling bad and unsure.

I hate seeing him cry, and I'm worried about him.

Please help me stay strong xxx

Oh Power I'm so sorry.
Shit does tend to fall in huge heaps.
No idea why, it just does.
Just get to the hospital asap.
Look after yourself!!!

Thanks hellsbells I need wine or cigarettes or something..!!

I just got off the phone with the EA and am collecting the keys at 1.30pm today, can then go straight down to the hospital, pop back Saturday for the furniture delivery and go from there.

God what a nightmare - I stupidly started thinking it was a sign not to go through with it!!

So sorry to hear about your Nan, OP.

Great news that you can collect kets and then go to the hospital. I'm sure your Nan would want you to be in a healthy and happy relationship. Don't let this send this you into a wobble. Hope all goes well for your Nan's operation.

Sorry Nan’s health is not tip top at the moment. Hope all goes well for both of you. You can do this - stay on the course you set. Do not let anyone deviate from your goal. It’s not a sign ! < passes cyber cigs and vino > stares down the nurse giving us the “hairy eyeball”.

If this is any sort of sign, it says that you have more important things to do than waste your time with a manipulative abuser who tries to ruin your life.

It would do your Nan good to see you moving on, moving up, and being a strong assertive woman in charge of her own future. Get to it!

Well......

My nan had major surgery but is recovering well in hospital. I'm glad I went down to see her.

Right now, I am sitting on my new bed, that I have just built, sobbing my eyes out trying to convince myself I've made the right decision.

This doubt will go away, won't it? I feel like I've broken two hearts at the moment when I shouldn't have done it. I know that sounds ridiculous.. Just tell me it will get better?!!

It will of course get better.
But not for a while yet.
When you have a lovely new partner and hopefully a child then you'll know you did exactly the right thing.
Well done.

Cry when you need to but keep yourself busy.
Make sure he is blocked on everything or you will just torture yourself.
Pleased your nan's surgery went OK.
Make sure you look after yourself!!!

Read all of this from the start and didn't want to read and run. I really admire u well done for such strength Iv been there before and it takes a hell of a woman . This is it! This is ur new life . It's ok to b excited about that also as well as mourning a bit at the loss of what "could have been but probably wouldn't have"... I remember when the dust settled being so excited at saying, socializing, getting glammed up for dinner n cocktails with girls, joining a gym , just that relief of having a massive weight lifted . It's euphoric . Embrace it and good luck my sweets xoxox

Of course it will get better.

Moving is stressful enough at the best of times. You've had a rough trot emotionally AND the stress of your Nan being ill.

You're allowed a good boo-hoo! Chocolate helps. And a glass of wine.

You have been brave and strong. You should have zero reason to contact your ex ever again. He had his chance to share a life with you. Start your new life and new future. I am sure that you will have opportunities to have a better life now single or with a new partner. Secondly, I hope that your Nan gets better.

Please don’t destroy your life getting sucked back into this situation. I wish I had left years ago as my partner was exactly the same. His cruelty and selfishness almost completely destroyed me but I got away and am now healing. I have a dc but he does not care about her welfare so I know I made the right decision

So, my nan has been discharged, but the suspicious mass looks like it is malignant.. We'll see.

ExDP has also just heard his dad has prostate cancer, so I feel like a real arsehole not being there for him.

Not looking forward to the weekend, first on my own, but I guess I need to do it, don't I?

I'm sorry to hear about your nan.
At least she is out for now.

My dad had prostate cancer. He's been all clear for over a year now.
As long as they catch it early it's very treatable.

You wouldn't be human if you weren't feeling a bit of guilt for not being there.
But he is not your problem now.
He will get through it in his own way.

Do you have plans this weekend?
Try to keep busy.
Gym, shopping, pedicure, hair appt, and out with your friends.
A long soak in the bath, reading a good book.
Reading is really helping to keep me distracted at the moment.
It's an escape and your brain doesn't think about all the other crap that's going on.

Thank you, hellsbells, and sorry to hear about your dad, but glad he is all clear now. I think ExFIL is having the prostate removed as it's not spread, so he should be Ok.

I too am an avid reader, it helps so much to block out everything else.

I have no plans as such, though I might try tidying the garden a bit, try and make myself tired so I sleep properly.. Or I might take some work home and get lost in that for a bit..

Enjoy your weekend, may it be the first of many - pop along to a garden centre for a mooch on the grounds of inspiration to burn an hour or two. Nice Pimms to refresh yourself after a bit of light manual labour. Lovely tea or supper, bed lounge with a good book. Have one day with no work though, it’s good to have a break for at least one day. You could look at the cyber black hole that is houzz or Pinterest for even patio or window box ideas - herbs etc. What are you reading? I am reading The Salt Path it’s described as uplifting, I’m still early doors with it, ready for the uplift to commence. Have a good weekend.

Hi just wanted to say how brave you are being

My ex threw me and my daughter out after asking to move in with him
Been together 3.5 yrs
He has had constant moods and tempers but he promised me he would change....he didn't

I moved out, he then begged and begged, said he would change, I listened to him and almost started to believe him but he hasn't changed. He's now blocked and staying blocked

It's been 4 months, I'm devastated
We were trying for a baby, in the process of buying a house, had what I thought was a happy future but now ruined because he couldn't sort himself out

I wish I blocked when I left 4 months ago and I'm still finding it hard

Sending hugs

Ah I may have to look for The Salt Path.. I'm reading a Mark Billingham at the moment, sure I've read it before though; The Dying Hour..

So, plans for my bank holiday weekend are cocktails in the garden, feeling positive today and hoping to carry on that way..

@foreverday I'm so sorry to hear that, congratulations on staying strong and moving forwards with your daughter.

Hugs back x

Only just read back....I'm so glad you left. Please don't feel guilty - if you had children with him, not only would things (probably) not change, you'd feel angry and resentful towards him being a SAHD/lodger (mine did nothing other than 'babysit' the children) and be unhappy.

I left after many years (19 together) and 2 children, but I went through such a dreadfully low place, took myself to counselling and realised that I needed to look out for me. And my children are much better off for it. Somehow (possibly cos I'm a heartless cow?!) the guilt didn't get me but maybe that's because I had practiced, rehearsed and realised that rock bottom was not OK.

Well done, stay strong, enjoy your own company and then get out and start enjoying life!

(P.S. a year later, I met an AMAZING man and, if we both weren't around 10 years older than you are, we'd have been overjoyed to have more children together. Seeing up close what an amazing Dad he is makes me realise what I missed out on - the sharing - and that makes me sad, but not regretful. Decent men, potential fathers, are definitely out there!).

OP just to say that I left a long term relationship aged 34 too. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and nearly broke me. I loved him deeply but like you, had finally concluded (after 10 years!!) that he was never going to support me through having children. I wasn't on MN then so didn't know just how scripted all of his hang ups were.

However, I knew that I had tried everything and that I wouldn't have dreamed of moving on unless deep down I knew that I was genuinely unsatisfied in the relationship. It was never going to be all that I wanted/needed from life.

I still missed him dreadfully for the first year (plus a bit) after I left. If he had had an affair or if he had ended the relationship I would have felt I had more closure, but I had ended it and so I had to battle with taking responsibility for doing that whilst still missing him/vowing never to go back.

However, I battled on, moved home, got a new job and incidentally was married at 37 and went onto have 2 lovely boys. (It would have been worth it if I hadn't had the children. I was me again.)

HTH

Hi, checking in to see how you are getting on. How were the weekends in the end ? Have you finished your book?

Hi Isaid, thanks for checking in.. I have indeed finished my book and am on the look out for the next one, I need to stop being so picky! Any suggestions?

I cleaned my decking and sorted some of the borders out at the weekend, so kept busy in the day, indulged in hot bubble baths and had a wonder round the village. The loneliness I think is going to be the hardest thing to overcome, but I have found I sleep better with the radio on so the nights don't seem quite so long.. I still have to stop myself contacting him though.

FreshStart, I am so happy it has worked out so well for you - I take great comfort in knowing that it can and does get better!

OP you sound amazing! I'm sure the hardest thing is getting used to being alone, staying in that relationship would have been wrong for you though.

I'm in the process of divorcing my H (at 35!) and am looking forward to being on my own. I do worry that once it's all done and settled I will have the crash of omg what have I done and the grief over the lost relationship/dreams will set in. However, his behaviour during the marriage and once it broke down is enough to remind me that I am making the right decision. He has done the whole crying/begging thing too, I know exactly what it's like to waver in times like that. Thankfully he became a twat and started saying stuff like how he hoped the next guy beat the shit out of me because then I will realise that he didn't do much at all. Lovely. This was just last week (we are living together still because neither of us can afford to move away).

If you like Mark Billingham, you may like books by Harlan Coben, Karin Slaughter and Robert Crais. I love their books, recently re read the Myron Bolitar series by Harlan Coben and it was great!

Pure escapism, bit of fun, and full on action books, if you have a kindle then get the Ethan Justice series.
All of them are fantastic.
But be prepared to not do anything else.
I couldn't put them down.

iwantanewusername I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce, I count myself lucky now that we never married. I hope it settles for you soon and you will be able to find your own space. Your STBXH sounds awful - the anger comes out of them doesn't it and shows them up for who they really are.

It seems strange but I miss the cuddles at night the most. He could be awful during the day but as soon as he came to bed we would hug up. I know I will get used to not having it, in the meantime I have a hot water bottle and extra pillows!

I love Karin Slaughter, and will have a look for Harlan Coben, too!

Hellsbells your voice of reason has been wonderful throughout all of this - thank you. I do have a kindle so will definitely get that series! Sounds like the distraction I need!

I've had my wings clipped for the last five years so I also need to relearn how to socialise.. I need to make some friends!

Thank you lovely MNers for your wonderful support xx