Now I really hate him - Am thinking of just giving up!!

[Twinkie]

Well all you SAHMs beware - X2b has decided that as I stayed at home for a whole year of our childs life and only contributed to the household by way of paying for everything other than gas, electric and mortgage I should not be entitled to anything other than a very small percentage of equity of house - and not even house that we bought at the end of our relationship - the one he would not let me move into but the one before that!!

Thats 7 years of a relationship - everything that we accumualted during that time everything of DDs all our wedding pressies and furniture and just everything from that whole time!!

I am fuming - the way he has written out 7 years of my life - I had 9 months off when I had DD and earnt the rest of the time and even got into debt because he was so tight - GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR - can't decide whether he wants to just make me ghive up or he is just dissillusioned - surely his solicitor is not that useless that she would tell him that things should be split at least 50/50 if not more in my favour because I have DD??

I have already told him I only want 50% of the equity and nothing else I am willing not to touch pensions or ISAs or endowments but he just won't see sense and don't have the energy, money or time to fight!!

I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO CROSS.

To top it off too - he has only discolsed 1 bank statement (rather than 6) and no pay slips (I had to give 3) and all of the other info is years out of date??

Please give me some courage to fight this arse and some great advice from all you divorced people!!

Thanks Sooooo Much Twinkie XXX

Hi Twinkie, Really sorry to hear this but just thought you might like to know that if you gave up work to look after your child/children your x2b not only has to pay maintenance for your child but foe you aswell! DO NOT make any rash decisions yet about money as you could end up regretting it later. By law he MUST disclose everything. Most solicitors will give you a free 30 minutes but suggest you do get one.

Good luck, I now this can't be easy for you
((())))

Please please please please don't give up!!!!

Don't know much about divorce, settlements etc etc but if you give into him now he'll walk all over you forever!!!!! I take it he will still want access to your dd. If you back down now he'll think he can always make demands of you, your time etc.

Be strong - I know it's hard but you've gotta show this twat who's boss!!!!

not div (yet)(well not even married yet)
but much sympathy and hugs xxx
the only thing i can say is it sounds like hes being unfair and you know you must get what you are entitled to for your kids sake as well as yours.....have you seen a solicitor??can you find someone who specialises in family ?
wont be able to chat more this morn ive got to go(housework calling!)but i wish you the best of luck and if you get good legal advice things might go your way easier than you think
hope this helps a little

Hi Teabag

I work at the moment but will be giving up soon as am pregnant (with new DPs baby) have been seperated from x2b for nearly 2 years - so don;t need maintenance and getting him to pay CSA is a nightmare I dread to thkn how much it would cost me if I tried to get anything else from him.

thing is I think I am being terribly reasonable and he just can;t see it or is being his normal shitty self - but at this time in my life I just don't think I will be able to deal with the fight and I won;t be able to afford to fight!!

I don't have any practical advice but just wanted to say:

DON'T GIVE IN!

Don't let the tight-@rse get away with it. Go Twinkie!

Twinkie, sorry to hear you are being offered such a rotten deal. If you look at the chat section from last week under the heading 'am I allowed to ask a serious question?', you will see a thread with several hundred contributions. It was started by another MNetter whose husband was offering her peanuts and contains a lot of useful advice. The starting point was to get a rottweiler of a lawyer. There are lots of us willing to give you advice and support over this, I'm sure.

oh twinkie. sending you lots of hugs. cant you get in touch with your x2b's solicitor, and explain what he's been saying. my exp1 keeps throwing things at me that he never goes through with but just says it to try and intimidate me. I hope you can sort things out. xxxx

message withdrawn

Twinkie, your X2B may have decided that you should only be entitled to a pittance, but unfortunately for him, the courts will decide otherwise. But you too have to decide otherwise, and fight him, because the courts, like God, will only help those who help themselves! Get a solicitor and channel all your anger against him into getting even. And if I were you, I'd go for the ISA's and the pension. You may need them some day and it will teach him a lesson about negotiation - that he should have accepted a good deal when it was offered.
Get yourself a good solicitor who has a record in getting good settlements - don't go for anyone who tells you to be reasonable, you can only be reasonable with other reasonable people. Your X2B doesn't sound like a reasonable person.

Not divorced but please don't discount pensions etc. Get a solicitor and if you're fighting anyway then fighting over the pension as well is going to make no difference to the stress. Good luck. Also staying at home to look after children is a valuable contribution to the household, imagine how much it would have cost the b***d to pay to have someone do everything that you do. Don't give up. [smile}

Don't give in now Twinkie!!! You've come so far. Go on, take him for all you can get. It doesn't matter what he thinks you deserve - it's not for him to say. If he's going to act like this, claim everything and go to court and get it over with. The more you claim, the more you are likely to get. Ask for everything and you will come out laughing, unlike that tosser. Rememember Twinkie, as they so nearly said on Fame (which you probably don't remember as you are so young) this is where he starts paying...in CASH
Go on, go on, go on, go on...

agree with daisy - he is not playing fair so I would disclose everything twinkie. I feel so gutted for you that after your time together he has turned like this. Thank go you are getting shot of him!

Message withdrawn

Thanks all - it just gets too much sometimes and I think I just want an easy life without having to fight.

My solicitor is lovely and makes time for me as she knows I want this all done and dusted before the baby comes but I think he is just trying to drag this out to annoy me.

He also gave his job up ages ago and has not startd a new one and I can't see how he can afford to live at the at moment - maybe he has won the lottery and just does not want to give me any!!

I think I will send one of those calderbank letters so he at least is seen to be unreasonable and has to pay my costs for dragging this out as well as a penalty notice for not filling in his form properly!! I just want to do something that will show him I am being serious and he will only lose out in the end and he needs to get real!!! - What is his solicitor doing sending out his stuff that is not complete and letting him say such arrogant things!!

Twinkie, it sounds like he is just trying to grind you down because he knows that when the baby arrives, you will be too pushed for time and energy to fight. But it won't work - it will be obvious to the court that that is his tactic.

Twinkie, honey, you just keep going. You've done absolutely brilliantly and this is his last last LAST attempt at getting back to you. Think of it like a horror film - that just-as-you-thought-it-was-over moment - which IS going to lead to a happy ending.

Of course he is offering a totally unreasonable offer - that's why you have a solicitor! Pleased to hear that she is good - let her take the brunt of the fight, and keep going. No point in having paid her and then you back down in the face of his meanness! And yes, he probably IS hoping to wind you up and drag it out and exploit the fact that you are pregnant to try and swindle you - but that's just where you are going to call his bluff, isn't it?
Good Luck xxx

you just have to hang on in there twinkie. My dad was a right git to my mum when they got divorced and my mum backed down on loads of financial matters and regrets it now. Please hang in there

Twinkie - isn't it a good job then that he will ahve NO SAY WHATSOEVER in the settlement you get? YOu can do this - compared with your fight to get dd back getting your money back is nothing. And if you don't you will only look back on this episode and be angry with yourself for letting him once more bully and control you. He won't be able to drag it out forever, it will get sorted. And you will go on to have a wonderful life with dp,dd and Max.

(welcome back btw - hope you had a good holiday)

Thanks Prufrock - I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does but I hate the fact that he can bully me and at the end of the day I can't afford to go through all the court stuff again, emotionally or financially - HE IS JUST SUCH A PIG!!

Spoke to solicitor yesterday and she is going to ask that I be paid 50% of the equity of the house that he is in now and not touch his pensions endowments etc (more than enough money for our needs) but I hold out no hope whatsoever of him agreeing to this - I just can't understand why his solicitor is letting him be so unreasonable it is going to end up costing him more in the settlement and legal bills if he fights me and I just wish that he could be made to understand this!!

Anyway - anyone out there willing to pay my debts for me for a while till I get my settlement through??

Hi Twinkie - what a w**r! Please do not give up, as the others have said - he is playing on this and dragging it out knowing that it is too much with you being pregnant. Tosser!

My now xw (hoooray!!!) agreed to pay for half the divorce after ages, he was a complete pig (still is, who am I kidding!) who stole £1,000 from me and took over a year to pay it. Meanwhile he went to Canada with his new girlfriend for 2 weeks!

I have just had the bill for the divorce - £340 is his half - £880 is my half...mmmm, seems fair to me! NOT! I didn't realise that I would have to pay for all the Contact letters regarding my ds too. What really stinks is that he never replied to any of the letters about my ds and things are in fact a lot worse than they were before regarding contact! So, not happy.

I am trying to get him to pay £250 for a Clean Break order that will protect us both from the other making a claim on pensions, property and savings etc in the future. Though, because I have my ds, I could infact make a claim...but he doesn't know that (evil laugh).

I really hate that tosser and would hate you to go through all this and not come out with what you're entitled to. Just ignore the pig and pretend he doesn't exist. Try not to get wound up by his petty dribble. You WILL win and we will give you all the help and support you need. MN were fantastic when I had all these problems with my wh. Welcome back Twinkie! x

Twinkie - do not give up. I know it is a pain and a hassle but you are not asking for anything that is unreasonable - far from it in fact. Go for the pensions, ISAs etc. You AND your dd are entitled to it. Why on earth should he benefit from the extras? As prufrock quite rightly says, you fought the hardest battle for your dd. You CAN do this.

Thanks Mertrobaby and Chocol8 - I haven;t spoken to him again yet - he dropped DD off at a friends at the weekend and hopped off rather than speak to me - I just don't get him and I am now getting to the stage where I just want it over and done with - I don't need the money (well I need it but not lots of it just enough to clear debts and give some to DP) - if he would just realise that I am trying to make him the best deal of the century everything would be ok but I can't understand why someone would want to risk going to court and losing so much more just to get at someone??

I want to ring and try and speak to him to get him to see that he could end up paying me up to 70% of everything as well as paying my costs but I knwo he will just agree with me and then try and carry on doing what he is doing.

Fed up - Hot, Bored have terrible back ache (which I think is UTI) and reflux has returned with avengence regardless of how much medication I take - AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH wish I could afford to stop all proceedings until after baby is born or failing that get him taken out by a hitman!!!

Hi Twinkie, sorry I missed this while I was on holiday. He can't decide this kind of thing, it is up to the court. He is just doing his best to stall and make it stressful and difficult for you, and it seems to me he is doing it out of pure spite. I've had all this kind of thing with my ex, so I know how you feel. You know you shouldn't let it wind you up, but it still does.

My advice would be to get your solicitor to write a letter saying that if he agrees by such and such a date, you will accept half of the equity without quibbling over your other investments. If he doesn't accept by, say, three weeks' time, then you will do it his way and go to court but you will have to fight for as big a share of everything as you can get, in order to cover the additional costs you will attract. Give deadlines and stick to them. Mention all the other savings and investments that you know about and try to get policy numbers and company letters acknowledgeing what you can of them.

Hopefully his solicitor will see the futility of the situation and urge him to settle. But if he refuses, you can comfort yourself with the fact that you will be reimbursed by going for the larger amount. Also a court will recognise that you tried to settle out of court, very reasonably, and will be likely to order him to pay costs because he is the one that pushed it to court.

Having organised all this, lean back and forget about him. Let your solicitor deal with it for you, take care of business and then forget it till the next time you have to correspond. If you keep leaving the ball in his court you will feel in control and be able to relax more.

Thanks I know what you are saying is right but at the moment I just can't cope with not knowing what is going on and how long it is all going to take - I have even offered to go to mediation to try and sort this out but he just ignores me.

I just don't understand why everything is taking so long or why he is just not seeing the light and realising that I am offering him such a great get out of the mess we are in - I think I am being more than reasonable and feel like going home and sitting in a little ball and crying for the rest of the day!!

Goodness must be the hormones - I was fine this morning!!