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Original poster

Partner looking up ex

41 replies

Kayleighlou2 · 02/05/2018 08:01

Hi everyone,

So I've been with my partner for 5 years now, we have just had our first child together (6 months ago) and recently I found out he has been looking at his ex on Facebook. I know it sounds very pety but it's really upset me. In my eyes that's something you might do when first splitting with her to be nosey but he was with her 7/8 years ago now and has been with me for 5 years I don't see why he would be doing this now! From what I've gathered from his family he really did love her but she went off with an older man, cheating on him and all sorts and really hurt him so I can't understand why he cares! He was with her for about a year and a half I think. It has just made me feel really insecure I've just had our baby I'm not feeling to great about myself and now he is looking at his ex. When I asked him about this he said there was nothing in it and he was seeing what she was up too which is most likely true but come on a relationship that ended 8 years ago and your looking her up!? Has anyone else found this or thinks I'm over reacting? Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 02/05/2018 08:10

Probably completely innocent. He may have heard a song or saw something that triggered him to think of her. Then searched FB wondering what she is doing now. I have looked up previous BFs through curiosity, I have no plans to run off with any.

I have been cheated on and tend to be suspicious, but I think lots of people cyber-people watch.

I would say "hey I wanted to remember what I searched for the other day and noticed you searched for for X, any updates is she still working for... ", show general nosiness and see what he says?

Chocmallows · 02/05/2018 08:10

Sorry ignore last bit - he already answered in a normal way!

DaphneduWarrior · 02/05/2018 08:11

At the weekend, I searched for a guy I dated in 1996-97. Haven’t seen him for over 20 years, no interest in getting in touch - I heard a song that reminded me of him, and was just curious about what he is up to.

Has he given you any reason not to trust him?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/05/2018 08:44

I still look up my Ex's.
My first love from over 20 years ago.
My ExH, etc.....
There really is nothing in it at all.
Just curiosity.
Yes, we all know what that did, but it's honestly totally innocent with me.
Probably is with him as well.
This wouldn't bother me at all.
But it does bother you.
Just make sure he knows how you feel.

Onemansoapopera · 02/05/2018 09:11

Completely normal.

cakecakecheese · 02/05/2018 09:24

Yeah looking up exes is pretty much what Facebook was invented for Grin

How did you find out he'd been looking at her on Facebook?

diodati · 02/05/2018 09:31

Good god, woman! Stop being so insecure. You don't own your husband, you're together (I assume) by mutual commitment, including love and trust. You have no right whatsoever to invade his privacy by spying on him, stalking him, etc. Have some dignity, FFS.

oohyoudevilyou · 02/05/2018 09:33

Agree with others - it's normal to look up people who've been significant to you in the past: Old boyfriends/girlfriends, friends you've lost touch with, that cute boy you met on holiday when you were 15, the girl who bullied you in year 8....
It's just a shame that an online search leaves a trace, whereas a peek in the phone book 25 years ago wouldn't. I wouldn't even mention I'd discovered an occasional search tbh, and hope that I'd be allowed the occasional glance into the past too.

Mangopr1 · 02/05/2018 09:34

I think everyone does this from time to time. I certainly have no intentions whatsoever to run away with my ex.

Ive even had a nosey at my partners ex myself just out of curiosity! Haha.

I'd try not to read too much into it xx

Mannix · 02/05/2018 09:35

Yes, I think it’s normal curiosity too. I looked up an ex recently who I split up with in 1992!!

user1471601513 · 02/05/2018 09:36

Normal. I search my sometimes to make sure he is still living overseas, not far enough away! It's about avoiding him, not getting in touch.

pigmcpigface · 02/05/2018 09:39

Honestly, it's highly likely this is normal curiosity. I am friends with my exP, and we chat occasionally. To paraphrase Taylor Swift, there is not an ice lolly in hell's chance that we will EVER get back together.

The chances are your ex is feeling like he's just been through a major life event, with the birth of his child, and is wondering where other people from his past are up to with their lives.

sugarr · 02/05/2018 09:50

Good god, woman! Stop being so insecure. You don't own your husband, you're together (I assume) by mutual commitment, including love and trust. You have no right whatsoever to invade his privacy by spying on him, stalking him, etc. Have some dignity, FFS.

Well, that was a very angry comment.

PretABoire · 02/05/2018 09:57

I look up my exes occasionally - one because I hope he's happy and doing well, and one to check he's still a miserable loser. If he didn't make contact I don't think you have anything to worry about

I think it can be a competitive thing - he's got you and your (presumably) gorgeous baby and might want to feel like he's "winning" against the woman who cheated on him :)

midnightmisssuki · 02/05/2018 10:03

its normal behaviour - humans are curious creatures. Try not to worry about it.

Luckingfovely · 02/05/2018 10:04

Agree it's completely normal and without anything else going on, is no cause for concern.

You are obviously feeling vulnerable, but don't dwell on this one.

Ski40 · 02/05/2018 10:12

I think we have all done it at some point. Whilst some people might have deeper motives, for most of us it's just natural nosiness 😁.
I recently looked up an old boyfriend of mine who back in the day was a gym freak fitness fanatic who made me feel crap about myself towards the end of the relationship, as I had put on weight due to antidepressants. And what would you know, he has got so fat he was unrecognisible, has married a woman 7 years older than me and double my size and he looked utterly miserable in all his photos. Without snooping in Facebook I would have never got that tiny satisfaction 😁.
Bottom line is we are all curious about people from our past. Don't dwell on it. Xx

Branleuse · 02/05/2018 10:20

I occasionally try and find out what happened to my first long term boyfriend who appears to have disappeared from the face of the earth.
occasionally look up my ex husband too for no particular reason, but I definitely don't have a hankering for either of them.

Changedname3456 · 02/05/2018 10:21

I’ve (bloke) done this before - I have no intention of getting back in touch or cheating on my partner.

One ex was a violent and EA partner who never received anything in terms of a legal sanction against what she’d done. I wouldn’t wish her on my worst enemy, but there’s a curtain-twitching side to me that’s fascinated by the way she’s glossed over all that and presents herself as the archetypal doting mother/wife these days. I just looked at all that and thought “good luck mate” towards her husband.

Handsfull13 · 02/05/2018 10:48

I do it every now and again as I'm nosey and like to remind myself I made the right choices.
I did it quite often after having our kids because I'd had this big milestone in my life and was curious if they were still the person I remember them to be or if they grew up as well.

But on the other hand I'd still get a twinge of jealousy when my oh did it. I know I do but it's instinctive to feel annoyed by it as well. Just don't stew on it.

reddie9 · 02/05/2018 10:55

@diodati that's harsh. She's feeling low and it's completely understandable why. No need for that. Insecurities can't be helped.

Op, like everyone's said, probably no need to worry. He's just most likely being nosey. I look at my exes. And not so long ago, my ex (dc's dad) accidentally shared my profile pic of me and my dh lol. Obviously I got a notification so it couldn't be avoided and he admitted he was just being nosey and apologised. He also has a gf.

I completely understand why it bothers you though, but it's most likely nothing to worry about x

justabunchofbunting · 02/05/2018 10:58

I think its normal and something that most people will have done at some point. It doesnt mean you still have feelings for that person or do not want to be with the person you are with now.
Its just curiosity!

morespaceneeded · 02/05/2018 10:59

I look up one particular ex often. I loved him very much. His profile tells me very little and I would like to know more!! But I wouldn't send him a friend request. My husband would be devastated if he knew but the reality is that my curiosity doesn't affect how I feel about my husband. And it is possible to still have fond feelings for someone from your past without it affecting your future. My ex contacted me by email a fair few years back and I just didn't reply because that would have been wrong. It's in my past. Doesn't mean I don't still have some feelings though.

mindutopia · 02/05/2018 11:25

I look up all my exes on Facebook (actually am fb friends with several of them anyway, which my dh knows, but I mean the ones I’m not actually friends with). I’m nosy and I like judging them and am amused to see what they’re up to. Like others, it absolutely does not in anyway mean I have any interest in them. In fact, the ones I check out tend to be the bigger train wrecks. I just sort of enjoy having a laugh. I’m happily married, been with my husband for 10 years and we have 2 dc. That’s surely one of the points of social media, snooping on people you don’t actually ever want to talk to. If he wanted to be with them, he would be messaging them or trying to meet up with them. He wouldn’t just be snooping.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 02/05/2018 11:29

Maybe he was have a self boast about his lovely life and wanted to see if she was as happy? Maybe hoping she was miserable?!