Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with uncertain relatiomship

39 replies

uncertainPenguin · 02/05/2018 06:40

I started seeing a man I met on OLD four months ago. We live in different cities (1 hour apart) and he has a demanding/long hours job plus kids who he has custody of each weekend.

I like him a lot and we have great sex Grin. We see each other once a week but it's usually me who travels to him due to his time/work commitments (often he doesn't finish until 8pm).

I know that asking questions like 'where is this going?' Or 'what does this mean to you?' are pointless and add an unnecessary pressure - ultimately if we like each other then things will progress. However I find myself becoming a bit quiet and withdrawn as I don't really feel able to 'impress' him because I can only ever see him on his free 'windows' of time and I know I can't be a big priority for him.

He's very kind and caring, but really I feel like he could be 'busy' and drift off from seeing me without ever needing to say, such is the nature of our relationship.

I really want to feel a bit more secure and confident Sad when I've dated other guys in the past they've chased me for more dates, tried to be involved in my life asap to 'secure' the relationship.

OP posts:
disappearingninepatch · 02/05/2018 07:03

Where do YOU think this is going? Are you going on "dates" when you travel to him?

CocoaZut · 02/05/2018 07:22

I think you may have answered your own question! Usually when a man is keen on you, he will do all the chasing to secure you. Life is too short to be hanging onto a maybe. Good luck

FinallyHere · 02/05/2018 07:25

It seems to suit him, especially given the many constraints on his time.

How does it suit you, to be so far down his priority list?

Dozer · 02/05/2018 07:25

Not going anywhere IMO, if he was really into you he would be sharing the travel and want to see you more. He has a timeslot for dating/sex.

PookieDo · 02/05/2018 08:53

I just got out of this exact relationship that lasted 2.5 years. Nothing ever changed and I had to accept he just didn’t have or didn’t want to make the space for me. I ended up being someone to have sex with once a week, no effort on his part.
I am not saying this is the exact same but be so careful it doesn’t just end up you doing a 2 hour round trip to have sex, fall asleep and then feel sad about it all the next day.
For me... this wasn’t a fulfilling kind of relationship. I kept hoping things would change, and he would make all the right noises then just carried on working till late and having kids every weekend while I waited around.

What made it more obvious for me was withdrawing slightly and stop being the person who instigated every meet up or the one driving over. I quickly found that if I wasn’t putting the effort in then nothing would happen. It was all on me to keep things going. Whenever I tried to tell him how I felt I felt embarrassed about wanting more. I had no choice but to give up on him in the end but I wish I had sooner and not let it drag on.

If you draw back slightly it might make it clearer for you how he views this relationship, and give you a clearer idea. I would also say it’s ok to ask someone how they feel and where they would like to go, and his reaction would give you a clearer idea. It’s not like you are proposing marriage - it’s ok to ask!

Chippyway · 02/05/2018 09:10

So YOU travel to him once a week, have great sex, leave the next day and do it again the week after?

I’m not really sure I’d call that a relationship

Why would he come to you when he gets great sex without putting in the effort??

Up your standards OP

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/05/2018 09:23

Is he definitely single?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2018 09:26

Is the sex really simply you keeping you with him, apart from this what else is there in this relationship?. What effort is he making?

I would also raise your bar higher in relationships because you're simply doing all the running about here.

Original poster
uncertainPenguin · 02/05/2018 09:53

pookie sorry to hear that, it does sound really similar....did he say he wanted a relationship when you met too?

I think it slipped into this gradually as he's very romantic by phone and text and he is genuinely busy, so whereas at first it was him chasing, now I am keen to see him so I do the travelling. I am busy too so don't accept every invitation though.

I don't really know what to do - I don't really want to stop seeing him, but I know if I asked more of him I'd either see him less or it would end as he's not willing/able to give me more. I know I need to raise my standards Blush I was strong at first but now I know he must have lost respect for me as I'm too sweet on him.

OP posts:
something2say · 02/05/2018 11:03

Its a difficult one isn't it.

So he is romantic by message? Ok well maybe see whether he's willing to put that into action by drawing back a bit?

But the risk is that he is just not looking what for you're looking for right now. He could be a perfectly good guy but if the timing isn't there, then it may not work.

At this stage in the relationship, you need to look after your own heart and protect it until you feel comfortable and right now I'd say it is not a good time to fall for him completely. So hold back and see what he does.

ZanzaWeb · 02/05/2018 11:30

My story is that I met a girl on ukReine. She's from another country, we've seen each time in 2-3 months. And so I stepped over the barrier and moved to her. And everything was fine. Jealousy, emotions and everything else disappeared. I think you need to come together!

PookieDo · 02/05/2018 13:47

I think that you might not like what you find when you pull back but it is worth doing, to protect yourself
It is setting a precedent for his life being more worthy than yours
Also I think it is so easy to say things on a text but much harder to actually do them/show them. By just texting you nice things is not really enough... you need to see them and feel them. Otherwise this is dangling you

Adora10 · 02/05/2018 13:52

That aint even a relationship, you go to his to have sex once a week, that's it, and yes if he cared he'd make you a priority, not a weekly shag.

PookieDo · 02/05/2018 14:00

Yes he did want a relationship OP but not the same kind as me. Just took me a long time to work that out

Dozer · 02/05/2018 14:30

Talk is cheap. Value your own time more.

Dozer · 02/05/2018 14:32

Liking him a lot is no reason to continue a relationship where your efforts are not reciprocated. Actions are what is important.

If you really think if you stopped making the effort and going to the expense to see him that he wouldn’t visit you and the relationship would grind to a halt then there isn’t a relationship worth spending time on. Even in the early stages reciprocity is important.

PookieDo · 02/05/2018 15:01

My ex bought me extremely kind and thoughtful gifts. For some time this kept my brain whirring ‘why would he if he didn’t love me?’ But he never said he loved me... never showed he loved me.. he just bought me thinks he thought I would like. Like a friend does

Justmuddlingalong · 02/05/2018 15:06

When you travel to see him, do you go out for a meal or to the cinema? Or is it just a sex thing?

meowimacat · 02/05/2018 15:10

PookieDo Yes exactly the same thing happened to me but I only wasted 5 months before I clocked onto it - although he pretended he wanted a relationship with me, turns out he didn't even want that.

By 3 months if a guy hasn't talked about commitment it's because he doesn't see it as anything serious usually. I was 4 months in and finally after being too scared to ask (and him avoiding the conversation for weeks) he finally said actually he didn't want any type of commitment at all. So you have to be really careful. This situation suits him very well, and he can make any excuse he wants about being 'busy' - if someone wants to see you they will.
Don't get sucked into the early stages and how they treat you - remember they try then. When we fall for them, and give our all, a lot of them stop caring so much and know they have us.

I agree with Pookie - pull back and see how he is, but I'm pretty sure you won't like the outcome sadly. :(

CocoaGin · 02/05/2018 15:12

I'm not sure meeting for sex once a week is a relationship, OP. That's a booty call.

Have some self respect, and block his number. Find someone worthy of your affection.

Onemansoapopera · 02/05/2018 15:31

It depends. My husband lives an hour away. We have sex every weekend. We've been together 3.5 years. Does having sex every weekend at the start mean it's got no legs? I thought every new couple did this.

I agree you should pull back- see if he comes to you. Time to up the ante.

PookieDo · 02/05/2018 15:42

I think there is more than just the sex here, I get the familiar sensation from OP about worrying about how he feels because he’s clearly half arsing it. He put in a lot of effort and now suddenly is busy and overloaded in his ‘other’ life which must be stressful enough if you are married and committed, let alone in a brand new relationship where you haven’t established where you stand.

For busy divorced single parents I think this is a common occurrence, where life is very busy and a lot to take on and a nice girlfriend on the side when you are free makes perfect sense. But that doesn’t take into account how this may impact the other person who is waiting around for you to be free, let down when something else comes up, isn’t really shifting things around to make time for you

Original poster
uncertainPenguin · 02/05/2018 15:59

Thanks for all the helpful ideas and thoughts! No it's not just sex and I waited two months before we dtd. We go for dinner or an evening walk sometimes, or sometimes it's just a quiet evening in (including sex). Pookie I think it's kind of as you describe it, we're both single parents although it feels like I'd like more of a relationship than him. I appreciate it's still far too early to expect or want much commitment, we agreed a while back to be exclusive though of course it's possible he's seeing other women.

I will pull back a bit and see if he continues to show interest. Maybe I should ask him if he's wanting something casual or he's looking for a relationship again?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 02/05/2018 16:06

There is a lot to factor in. My ex was not looking for a 2nd marriage, he wanted to enjoy life and have someone to enjoy it with. He didn’t want to multiple date and he wasn’t seeing anyone else. Sounds like a relationship, right?
Fact is I had to face up to is I do want more than that... and that’s ok. If you do too, that’s also ok. It’s a lot to ask of someone to invest all their precious spare time in something that isn’t going anywhere. You aren’t asking him to marry you, just want to know if on the same page. I agree that coming on too strong isn’t a good idea but neither is letting things drag on.
You want to know what his idea of a relationship is - vs what yours is. Everyone has different ideas.
It’s also easy to want to avoid commitment after a failed marriage where kids are involved but then you need to be up front about this.

PookieDo · 02/05/2018 16:08

My idea of a relationship didn’t involve living together necessarily - but it involved seeing each other at Xmas, Easter, family occasions, going on holiday, going on Work do’s, going out with each other’s friends.
Not me having one life in one town and him having another an hour away