Am I really going to get over the horror and sadness of my divorce?

[thisishard2]

And the trauma. And the terrible feelings of rejection (I instigated the divorce but H had ignored me for a long long time - literally).

Because it really really doesn’t feel like it .

People say time heals all. I wouldn’t say that’s 100% true but I think a traumatic divorce is like a bereavement. As time goes on you think of it less and less, and you learn to live with it. I have had two major heartbreaks in my life and honestly, they have left scars. I will never be absolutely and completely over them. But you can find happiness and contentment again.

I hope so, I am heading for the same situation. I feel desperately, desperately sad.
Take it a day at a time, find one nice positive thing about each day and be kind to yourself.

Yes desperately sad. I am sorry FVFrog.

That’s how I feel too storm4star - that I will be really scarred .

Yes, yes and did I say YES!
I was with exH for 18 years, now divorced 2.5 years.
It's sad, there is grief, you think you're ok and then there can still be bad days, but you are not together because it would not be right for you to be together.

When feeling stressed focus on what makes sense, it's ok and normal even to feel pain and loss, it isn't ok or normal to spend any longer with someone who makes you miserable when you are with them.

My ex is due to remarry while I have dated several men. I'm not in competition with him and would rather be happy than rush into anything.

Good luck🍀

This rings true for me, but time does make a huge difference. I am 2.5 years in and sometimes I feel panic that I still feel such a deep sadness. Other times I feel fantastic. And that feeling can last for weeks.

What helped me was someone explaining that recovery is not linear. It is cyclical. You feel awful, then better. Then it returns and plays out again. But the balance changes over time and while the awfulness does come, it does lose its strength a bit.

It's the feeling of having lost the root of you. Lost what formed you into the person you are. Loss on so many levels. But you do learn about freedom and choices and priorities. And things get better.

Hold on.

Yes you will be scarred. But life goes on and you will be happy again.

Same as if you have major surgery . You will live with a scar but what was the alternative ? For most people it was death. So the scar is a sign of survival and victory over illness.

I have scars from surgery. If my job was a swimwear model then I would be Unemployed . But I’m not. I have a my health, a decent job, a good income and lifestyle, happy healthy kids, good friends, hobbies I enjoy.

If I spent my days gazing at my scars, looking at my body in a mirror, I would be very unhappy.

But I don’t and so I’m not.

You also have good things in your life and your scars from the divorce will heal. But it’s better than staying in a shit marriage.

If you spend all your time telling yourself that you’ve been rejected and you are worthless and he has won then you will feel worse. So allow yourself some time to grieve and then get on with your life.

Remember that the best revenge is living well.

OP have you had any counseling to pull apart your feelings on the relationship breakdown?

Counselling helped me to let go of feelings of guilt and confusion and see that I had tried my best. I still have moments of sadness, but I see things more in the past now.

Yes you will.
But it does take time.
A lot of time.
When I split with my ExH, it took over a year to feel anything like 'me' again.
And it has truly scarred me for life.
I can't deny it.
It's impacted on future relationships.
I'm single again now at nearly 50 and quite happy about it.
As a PP has said, do get some counselling.
It's a long hard road getting over this kind of thing.
But you will get there.
So many on here can tell you that.
We've all made it out the other side.

Thank you for your messages.

I was seeing a counsellor, but though he is lovely, I was not able to focus on some of the things I need to focus on, so I might look for someone else.

At this stage I am wondering why the hell I instigated the divorce. Even though I do know why.

It’s awful.

You certainly learn to live with it. Looking back on it now I wish I could give myself a hug 10 years ago. Going through it was horrific. I’m still hurt and I still truly feel bereaved at times. It’s like the life I thought I had died and I’m left to rebuild it from nothing. But you do it and in the end it’s all ok.

I can understand that 10 years later you still feel hurt Stop. I feel like I am going to hurt forever. There’s not much that I can think of without it being painful. And the fact that H got together with someone else 2 seconds after it became clear we were not going to stay together, makes me feel like I am walking on broken glass. Truly shit.

He ignored you for a long time? And you miss that??

Well done for getting rid of such a sapping waste of space.

What a turd.

Get out. Breathe the air. Be thankful it's not the same as his air any more.

Yes it hurts. But not half as much as leading a still silent life with a shit bag.

Took him 2 seconds to move on? Poor lamb. He couldn't live without you! hehehe. Pity his new partner.

Be bold and bloody. You get one life. Go mad and love it.

Check out self compassion. It's helping me during a shit time

It will get better. My DM had a frightful divorce years ago, now she says thank god, she's loved her life from about 2 years after they split.

Thanks unlikelyastronaut, your post is helping. Will re-read regularly.

Will also look at self-compassion buckingfrolicks.

Thank you.

I'm 18 months on from H leaving.
And I've come on in myself after being in an unhealthy relationship.

It sounds like you are stuck in a very negative cycle. And you need to find what you want in life and go for it.
I have friendships that are stronger than ever and a couple of people know what it was really like so are able to give me some serious esteem-building talk and remind me of what a damaging place my marriage was.
And I have started to do stuff by myself, for myself. I had a trip abroad last year, and a few days glamping. I am learning to enjoy my own company - if you're an extrovert you'd probably be better with meetup and holidays with other people, either friends or on their own.
Why did you feel you couldn't focus with your counsellor? I wonder if that might be the solution, as there's probably stuff from your marriage that needs dealing with. What is your situation with children/work etc? I so believe it can get better. There are things for me that are a mess - managing my chronic illnesses has become much harder and so I can't yet get the house sorted... but I have confidence that in time I can. it is going to get better

I used to post on a divorce support forum. Virtually all of us were in the "never again" mindset. 5 years later pretty much all of us were remarried or in long term relationships. Divorce is a bereavement, the formula for feeling better about things is around 1 month per year you were together (could be more or less of course but shows it's not a quick process).

I was with him for 23 years and the actual split was pure hell.

Nearly 3 years later and I'm 95% fine. I still get sad times like when friends celebrate wedding anniversaries I'm never going to achieve or when other kids' dads behave as dads should, but most of the time I'm grateful that he's not around any more.

Top tip - find things that you couldn't do when you were together and do them! For me it was watching the TV I wanted, not having to cook a big meal in the evening if I didn't want to, having the whole duvet to myself, not having to ask permission to go / stay out... I could go on!

Thanks for your messages.

21 years together so that’s almost 2 years recovery time going by the one month per year rule.

Work is stressing me out because my temporary job is about to finish and I really need to find permanent more stable work.

Kids all at secondary school but split has only just begun to be implemented so nothing is really clear as to how much they will be with H and where. I hope they can have good relationships with both of us and see us as much as they want / need to.

The worst thing for the moment is the hope that somehow H and I will get back together .

How do you get over that?

I don’t know why I couldn’t focus with my counsellor. He didn’t ask me any probing questions about the dynamic between h and I or seem to understand it. Just not challenging enough. It was all about my suffering through the pain and relinquishing the attachment sod that - it made me feel even sadder.

Do you want your ex, or the person that he was or you thought he was?

I'd love to have the man that I fell in love with. If I could go back and tell my ex how he would change, the him I knew for the first ten years would have been horrified. I don't really recognise who he changed into nor who he is now.

I am sure that I have changed too and I focus on the things that I enjoy now.

Focus on you!

Following on from my own hideous marriage break up, I have spent a lot of time talking to women about their divorces and subsequent healing (or otherwise).

I'm gonna debunk the notion of one month for every year married. The worst, I've encountered is 17 years, following an eight year marriage, and the best is fifteen months after a twenty-six year marriage.

The average time to "acceptance" is about four years. That's NOT to say living the pure agony (physical pain) of it doesn't subside within a year or two (for most) but rather fewer hours per day are spent dealing with the emotional fallout/why-ing/and general preoccupation of it. That lessens over a longer time. For most, after four years they've settled into new lives, got new hobbies, new friendship groups and new identities, as well as adjusted to working/financial changes, but they will still spend considerable periods, especially during anniversaries/key events mulling "stuff".

A key determiner of healing time is whether you felt forced to end the relationship or if the marriage ending was abrupt and sudden. Also, how impacting the marriage ending affected your financial security, whether you lost your home/job etc.

The less you actively made the decision, and the greater the ramifications, the longer the healing time.

The greatest plus of going through a marriage break up is the weight loss (if you wanted some), the rest is pure trauma.

My ongoing pain about the divorce is not being believed in family court about abuse. The court's unwillingness to do anything other than award an abuser 50:50 contact with DC and not being willing to deal with assets appropriately. I didnt miss the fucker from the moment I threw him out but the injustice and the ongoing harm to DC in other areas is a wound that really wont heal.

Op divorce can be pure hell. Mine certainly was.
BUT
The reason for divorcing is still there and still a valid reason.
AND
You will get through it and emerge the other side.
At some point in the not too distant future you'll have a day where it won't be the first thing you think about when you wake up. Then you'll have another and another.
Baby steps

but the injustice and the ongoing harm to DC in other areas is a wound that really wont heal.

I am really sorry greenlanes .

The reason for divorcing is still there and still a valid reason.

I agree, the rest is so hard though.

What I really wanted was H to be kind, affectionate, honest, open, and easy to talk to. Instead it seems he is now being these things with someone else and it is very hard.

Do you want your ex, or the person that he was or you thought he was?

I want the him I see him being with the kids now, and the him I heard on the phone to his new partner .

I could never operate on an equal footing with him however, he somehow wouldn’t allow it. And there were lots of other problems. Including his controlling behaviour - short temper, rudeness, being stonewalled for weeks and weeks, excluded from massive financial decisions...

It is hard to think that he was like that with me in the last few years, but might be a whole lot nicer to his new partner. Why? What is wrong with me?

OP don’t compare the beginning of his new relationship with how he behaves with you. I’m sure he was lovely to you at the start as well. People don’t change at their core, if his new relationship lasts, what do you think he will be like down the line?