Husband doesn’t love me

[BrunetteMumma]

So myself and my husband have been together 10 years and married for 6. We have 2 children and last week he comes home from work and tells me he doesn’t love me anymore and it’s probably for the best that we divorce.
Im absolutely heartbroken, im still madly in love with him and don’t want to divorce him at all! I have no clue what to do!
I have gone to view houses as we rent at the moment and i wont be able to afford it on my own even with his help and i have found somewhere to go which is lovely but just cant get excited about it because im scared of being on my own with 2 kids and because im still heartbroken.
I just keep thinking of when he moves on 1 day and he will get with someone who will give him something I couldn’t. He says he doesn’t know why he’s fallen out of love with me but that he’s just been feeling so different about everything. He work away and is only home at the weekends and when he was home I made sure everything was immaculate and clean and that I cooked his favourite meals, I feel I did everything I possible could of.
Please tell me that this pain will eventually go!

I understand your pain, my husband said last month the same & went on to excitedly look for other places to rent, even showing me the pictures. All the time I was hurting bad, I was in physical pain, couldn't eat, drink or sleep & cried daily. It has got better (still not perfect) but only now because I know the truth behind it. You will get through this eventually, it seems that nothing will help, your whole future has just been erased but in time you will be stronger because of it. You will learn to do things differently but that's ok, you have 2 children that love you & that will give you the strength x

It’s hard isn’t it? you make plans and all of a sudden thats it, there gone! I wish I knew the reasons behind it but he says there isn’t any, he just feels different and his emotions are all over the place. I cant even describe the physical pain of it all! its an awful pain, it physically hurts and what hurts the most out of all this is the fact that he will move and be intimate with other women. He is already a step ahead of me because he doesn’t love me anymore whereas im still in love with him. I wish this was all just a bad dream X

Do you think there's someone else, OP?

Him leaving you has nothing to do with your cleaning or your cooking.
And who knows why love can simply vanish sometimes?

However, IME he likely has OW already.
V few men a LTR with children and just live on their own without anybody who can tell them how marvellous they are, unless there were obvious issues beforehand which you are not describing in your OP.

I am so sorry. And I know how you feel - I am 8 months on from my H moving out and it still hurts.

Please seek some legal advice and don't just go along with everything he says or wants to happen.

V best of luck

Your post brought back painful memories that are over 35 years old. My then wife told me that she no longer loved me; quite naturally, I asked whether anybody else was involved, and she denied any affair.

We began divorcing as amicably as possible while still living together in our newly-purchased home, and things went well. They went so well that she finally opened up to me and admitted an affair with her boss. It is hard to describe how I felt: the affair did not hurt as much as being lied to when there was no need to be lied to.

I have known other people who have fallen out of love with their spouses, and there is most often another party involved. I would think that your DH has found someone else while he has been working away and the lifestyle of a father isn't one he wants - but I'd be happy to be proved wrong.

Whatever happens, it is true that you cannot make anyone love you, so you are wise to be looking to lead another kind of life. I wish you lots of luck.

Yep. I'd say affair too. Working away presents good opportunities

Sorry op. It's shit.

Sound like he has an OW.
Whatever you do, don't beg or plead with him.

Has he told his family? Have you told yours?

Before he tells another version to his folks... I'd be telling them the truth.

Discuss visitation with him ... he needs to remember he's still a dad.

Seek legal advice and be positive. Without adultery or unreasonable behaviour, you're looking at a 2 year separation from the time he files...as long as both parties agree.

I know you don't want to get divorced.... but as he wants to...ask when he'll be filing.

In the kindest way, he's already moved on. No one leaves a happy home with children unless there is a reason to - another woman. He's desperately trying to cover his tracks, so he doesn't look the bad guy here. But you can bet your last £ that she'll appear one day.

It's so horrendously cruel, but he has told you he doesn't love you anymore and you need to hear him. Do what is now best for you and your children, not him. Don't be pushed into rushing any of it and do it at the pace you are comfortable with. And harden up to him...... right now you're feeling such pain and devastation but you can't let that cloud your view.
My dad did it to my mum. It took her years to accept that he'd really gone. As a young teenager, it was horrific and ended my childhood overnight as I had to look after mum. What he's done is cruel beyond words but you will survive it and find a different life. I promise .

Yep Ow on the horizon or has already. I a couple of months he will announce he has a new GF - just met but HOH etc.. (lies it was going on before the split). Men usually only leave when they have another cosy prospect lined up.

Lots of posts and threads on here (archived) about "the script"

Yes the pain is unbearable, you feel every emotion but at the same time feel dead inside, it is the pain of losing the one you love. It does subside, I'm a month in but sometimes wake with a sick feeling in the pit if my stomach but we are women, the strong part of the home, the one who truely holds everything together. That is how I know eventually we will come out the other side stronger, I am still working on it too but you must believe in yourself.

I'm afraid in my case there was OW. I trusted my husband completely & our marriage was good so why would I think differently. He left one night to stay at a mates to make it easier on me, that night I knew something was different. I logged into his FB account which I've never done before & there was the evidence "I'm on my way hunny x". Some how I found the strength to confront him but he still lied. Two days later I met him to discuss the kids, after telling him I need the truth to move on out it came. He met her at work & they have been pursuing a relationship (apparently not physical) & the more he felt for her the further he fell from me.
He knows its wrong, even though he's gone he still hides his relationship from others also cant bare it when I mention it. He is a weak coward & I know I deserve better & what ever the outcome for you, you deserve better too. Know one should play with emotions in that way, to know that you love them completely & treat you in this way is low.

It will get better, in time you will find the strength you need xx

What's HOH?

You have been caught off guard and are grieving - he is cool as he has been thinking and planning for some time. Once the heartbreak lessens, I hope you feel angry with how he has treated you. You just have to get through it one day at a time until it hurts less (eventually it will).

So sorry OP. I'd say that in nearly all cases when men do this there is an OW waiting in the wings. Not many men leave without having a back up. He's being very cruel to you and your children and because of this you're better off without him although it won't seem like it now.

Thank you all soo soo much! im glad i have posted and got replies from people who have been in my situation. Only thing is how would i catch him out? he doesn't hide his phone, i know all bank details to check statements, i know all passwords and he works with his dad n stays there so i can call the house phone and he would b there! I've checked his van for a secret phone or anything that would give OW away but there's nothing! any advice/help/tips?! xxxxx

I don't like to suggest looking through his phone but...... look through his phone.

He could be using an app to talk to her. Or if he sees her during the week...there's no need to be talking on the phone. Her number could be saved under a male or business name with messages immediately deleted.

You may not have found the burner phone if he has one. I'm not sure how well you've searched the car. Boot, bonnet, in the spare tyre, garage, tool box, gym bag, inside socks.

A burner phone could be on vibrate in his pocket at all times. He could have a secret email address for their communication.

People who don't want to get caught can be very careful.

Unless you've totally missed the signs or he's been pretending to be happy...you don't stop loving your wife overnight without a major issue.

Could be the OW was fed up with being a secret and gave him an ultimatum to leave you or she'd be gone/ or she would tell you about the affair herself.

Op.

You don't need to catch him out. If he's said this, do you think he means it? If he doesn't now, how long till he does?

Either way. Het your ducks in a line before you fall apart. Get it all together.
Don't do him any favours. Solicitor by yourself. Get advice. Get it all together for you and your kids.

Know where you stand.

Then fall apart for a day or two.
Then get up. Brush yourself off and get up get on it and get on with you.

Sorry if this is harsh or harsh sounding but girl, do it. Do it raaa now.

Xx

Thank u all for ur advice! im still clueless about OW! I have found a place for me and the kids and will be moving out, onwards and upwards! I just really hope that 1 day he regrets his decision and the fact he threw his family lifestyle awayI HATE MENxxxxxxx

Make sure you speak to a solicitor and get everything you are entitled to. Is the house you are leaving in your name? Is it owned or rented? If it’s owned and you are married then you are entitled to a share of that. You are also entitled to a share of his pension and financial support and a share of any assets in his bank account.

The house we share at the moment is rented bit i will be getting everything im entitled to from him such as child maintenance xxxx

If my dh said this to me tbh id have to say it’s only a weak pathetic cowardly person who wouldn’t respect his marriage and children enough to have talked this through and looked at counselling before coming home with an ultimatum. That’s the least you owe a marriage. I hope that helps!

Good luck op

Thanks for the update Brunette You sound strong. Your H is a fool.

when he moves on 1 day and he will get with someone who will give him something I couldn’t
He's already moved on.
That's why he suddenly 'doesn't love you' anymore.

I'm glad you are moving out and moving on.
That's a good thing.
Never do the 'pick me' dance.

It's not just child maintenance you are entitled to.
Please get a free half our with a solicitor.
Do you have any savings accounts?
Joint or in sole names?
Assets, i.e.: cars?
Does he have a pension?

Get all paperwork you can together.
Pay slips, accounts info, passports, birth certificates...
You will need your marriage certificate to sort out a divorce.

I'm so sorry this happening to you.
Right now you sound strong.
Hold on to that feeling.
Tell everyone what is happening.
Get as many friends and family around you as possible.

The best revenge for an idiot like this is a life well lived. Get what you are due, have boundaries, have fun, bother with appearance once you are up to it and try and keep strong, calm and nice. Hard I know, but good for self esteem. I too think this guy has either been given an ultimatum by someone OR suddenly fancies the single life without thinking it through.