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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

horrid behaviour from mother in law

31 replies

firsttimemum33 · 01/05/2018 13:03

hello all, I'm new here and I'm going to have a rant. I need feedback on how to deal with this issue of an interfering mother in law. I am pregnant, over half way. it should be the most amazing and precious time for me to enjoy, but instead of happiness I am feeling anything but. I feel that there is literally this one person sucking the very goodness out of my experience!! here's the latest development, and one I need assistance on broaching her about in the coming weeks.

so OH and I are for a trip a few months after baby gets here, we were told its the best time to go as the baby is able to easily adapt to the small temporary change. its only a few nights anyway. so, I have it arranged months now that my parents will be watching the child in the time we are gone...this is for two reasons. 1) there are two of there, therefore night time feeds will be easier in turns...2) because it will cause the least upset having the baby go from one house to another to sleep night about. mother in law has been aware of these plans from the hour they were put in place....it was never an issue at all....until this week, 3 months later when she had an opportunity to talk to my partner on his own without me there. and during that conversation she put her insistence onto him, playing on his sensitive side with her pity party routine. she's widowed, and this is used to emotionally blackmail him into caving. even though he had told her that these plans were in place, as she rightly knew!! twice her spoke with her in ragards to it and now shes "putting her foot down"!!!

this was brought to my attention and from finding out about it 4 days ago I'm so so mad...I have been left so upset, that she has the audacity to undermine a decision that had been made and was known to her for ages. now she is trying to use my child (that has yet to be born) as a pawn in her little game of control. I am putting my foot down but OH is torn, torn between her as shes old and alone and me because I'm his OH... we have had words over this, I have had tears and heated words exchanged all because of her selfishness. she is such a cheeky so and so....I cant stand her at this present minute in time... she had done something similar years ago, where she tried to muscle in on our relationship etc which almost came between me and OH then too. he's the "baby" of their house, and boy doesn't she let me know everyday!!

how can I broach this without OH falling out with me if I add additional pressure for him to not fold at her demand. he said we will get it sorted and not to worry, but I don't want this passing another week without her being addressed on the matter. what can I do (within the law lol) please

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 01/05/2018 13:09

You need to tell him it’s non of her business and that you are adults; she can’t “put her foot down”. Also, why was she made aware of plans not involving her months in advance? Again, it’s non of her business. If your OH hasn’t the backbone to tell her this, you tell her. “MIL, I’m not falling out with you, but this is non of your business! We are adults!”

FairyFace · 01/05/2018 13:13

Sorry I presume from your message she wants to mind the baby and not your parents am I correct? If so I would just say look my parents were asked and they are looking forward to it and I wont be changing the plan. There is plenty of time for you to spend quality time with the little one when they are born. End of. Why would you change the plans just to suit her, of course your parents will be looking forward to minding their grandchild! She is old and alone so she would be better off waiting to mind the baby at a more suitable time like for a few hours or even just over night! Silly woman

Original poster
firsttimemum33 · 01/05/2018 13:18

yes sorry fairyface, she wants to take the baby alternate nights from my parents. shes so unreasonable...I think shes feeling shes loosing some further "control" so this is her way of stamping my card, but little does she know if I'm backed into a corner it will be her that loses the battle. I cant deal with this, but looking for the most delicate and diplomatic xx

OP posts:
TheMerryWidow1 · 01/05/2018 13:30

you need to be strong from the outset, these arrangements have been made and thats it, she can put her foot down all she wants, you are the baby's parents, end of. She can do the next one if need be. If you don't you will have this all the time. Good luck

mustbemad17 · 01/05/2018 13:34

You need to nip this in the bud now. This reminds me of my ex mil, always wading in & interfering because her son let her walk all over him. It makes things so tense. Tell her to butt out, if she cannot respect your decision then she needs to grow up. And your partner needs to put his big boy pants on

MillicentF · 01/05/2018 13:36

“I’m sorry, but we’ve made plans for that weekend. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to spend time with the baby, I promise”. And repeat.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2018 13:37

You need firm and consistently applied boundaries re his mother. What she is doing now will repeat itself.

People like his mother however, do not do delicate and diplomatic and she has caused this situation to arise deliberately. Its her way or no way as far as his mother is concerned. She has lost full control over her son and now wants to use your child in not too a dissimilar manner to how he has been and continues to be controlled. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your OH is also a problem here because due to his innate conditioning at his mothers hands, he is both unable and unwilling to assert himself as a person in his own right (thus also making his mother's behaviours worse because no-one has ever challenged her). His own inertia too when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you, he needs to be told that at the very least. You and your child come first now, not his mother and her demands. He caving into her demands will hurt him as well as you.

I would also keep his mother well away from your child going forward as well, he is still emotionally immature partly because she has never allowed him to be his own person and he still seeks her approval (that she will never give him). Theirs is an unhealthy and codependent relationship which will never make him happy. Ultimately he will need to see a therapist re their dysfunctional relationship.

ShackUp · 01/05/2018 13:43

By the way OP don't book that holiday yet, you might not want to leave the baby. Mine are 5 and 2 and I've never spent a night away from them.

TheVanguardSix · 01/05/2018 13:47

As ShackUp said... just wait until you have the baby. You won't want to leave his/her side. I wouldn't book anything yet.

MillicentF · 01/05/2018 13:51

Attila, you are reading a lot into very little. Deeply irresponsible.

Original poster
firsttimemum33 · 01/05/2018 13:54

thank you all SO much. you are all telling me what my gut is saying, and that's to stand up to this woman and her bullish ways. shes a silly woman if she thinks she can get away with this, not sure how her relationship with her MIL was when she was bringing up her boys but I wont be bending to her rules. just needed to know I wasn't over reacting or being unreasonable xx

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 01/05/2018 13:55

It’s a shame you’ve shown your hand already. I would have simply said that as nice as it is for her to offer, I think staying with my parents for the duration is much more sensible. I would have made it clear to dh (and encouraged him to relay this back to mil) that I’m at both aware and very grateful that she is willing to help out when I need it and she doesn’t need to worry about offering, as I am very comfortable about asking whether help is required.

Original poster
firsttimemum33 · 01/05/2018 13:55

some points were spot on but towards the end was like woooow lol

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 01/05/2018 13:58

Having a baby changes lots of things.

One of the biggest changes we found was in the power dynamic between us and our parents.

Once you have a baby you are in charge.

You make the decisions.

Most importantly you have the power.

It took us a few years but we put our foot (feet?) down at competitive Grandparenting. I’d recommend you draw a line in the sand right now.

“fair” doesn’t come in to it when talking about who is best to look after children.

They aren’t toys you take turns with.

ShackUp · 01/05/2018 14:03

OP I think you might have been referring to my post; you came here for advice and another poster and I advised you that you might not fancy leaving your young baby when he/she's only a few months old. Don't set anything in stone.

Cawfee · 01/05/2018 14:04

She is being totally out of order and unreasonable. Your baby isn’t a prize to be divided out equally!! You’ve made your plans. It’s none of her business what you do. At all. End of. In future tell her nothing. Zero. No info is best. She doesn’t need to know you are going on holiday. I love my MIL and we get on like house on fire but she doesn’t know my ins and outs. Put your foot down hard. If she doesn’t like it then she can cry into her coffee. Tough titties.

Walkaboutwendy · 01/05/2018 14:06

I would also keep his mother well away from your child going forward as well, he is still emotionally immature partly because she has never allowed him to be his own person and he still seeks her approval (that she will never give him).

That's shockingly bad advice Atilla. Very irresponsible. I've read your posts across a number of threads and you are consistently bad in not seeing any situation objectively. You instantly leap to your psycho babble agenda of toxic families. There are toxic families out there but you can't assume that from a couple of posts!

Sorry OP for going off thread. Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2018 14:14

So what is your opinion on his mother then Wendy?.

Well if his mother can treat both the OP and her man in such a shoddy manner anyway (and using emotional manipulation to tug at her son's heartstrings) what makes you think she would not use their child further?. Why should his mother have her own way here just because she wants the child and will stamp her feet to get it?. The child is not a toy. It is none of her business and these plans were already decided.

Not all relatives are kind and nice to be at all around either. No emotionally healthy person would use such manipulations against their son or daughter.

MillicentF · 01/05/2018 14:18

The point is, Atilla, that you have only got one side of the story. You have no idea what’s going on, and to suggest that the mil is cut out of her grandchild’s life on the strength of one post is irresponsible in the extreme. You obviously have your own issues- but you really shouldn’t project them onto strangers.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2018 14:37

As I have already stated not all people, let alone relatives, are all nice and emotionally healthy to be at all around. It is clear that her son is indeed torn between his mother and his partner but his own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as his partner.

If his mother can treat her own son and his partner in such a shoddy manner, what is there to prevent her using their child in future to get what she wants which is her own way?. She has already tried to do this by now interfering in previously made arrangements that she is not a part of and using her son to bend his ear. His mother needs to behave decently and not demand her own way here because she could well see them not wanting to visit her in future.

Both OP and her partner need to present a united front and have firm and consistent boundaries when it comes to his mother.

Walkaboutwendy · 01/05/2018 14:43

You cannot diagnose the dynamics of a family based on 2 posts. No professional on earth would diagnose on such limited information let alone suggest alienating family members Confused Your advice is irresponsible and dangerous.

OP I would suggest you seek couples therapy as a starting point to discuss how you proceed together as a family.

bengalcat · 01/05/2018 14:47

Why not take the baby with you ?

Original poster
firsttimemum33 · 01/05/2018 15:09

I wasn't referring to anything you had said in the slightest. I'm commenting merely on this experience

OP posts:
MillicentF · 01/05/2018 15:09

“As I have already stated not all people, let alone relatives, are all nice and emotionally healthy to be at all around”

Agreed. How are you so sure that the OP is?

ILikeMyChickenFried · 01/05/2018 15:14

I assume there's more to this relationship than what we are reading in the post because OP's reaction seems to be completely OTT to me and I'm usually sympathetic with these MIL discussions.