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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to explain to DS he won't see his father again?

51 replies

UtterClusterFluff · 30/04/2018 20:20

This is a complex issue and I don't want to go into the details because they don't really make a difference to the outcome.

I have just found out my exP has been charged with a serious sexual offence. Due to the nature of it I do not want him to have any contact with DS who is 10.

They had a good but limited relationship with only a few visits a year due to distance. They did keep in touch via the phone in between visits though.

I don't know where to begin with talking to DS about this. I don't not want him to know what has happened at all. This isn't negotiable in my mind.

I just don't know how to say he won't be seeing or talking to him again.

Is it better to tell a version of the truth - as in Daddy has gotten into trouble with the police and we have to stay away from him? Or do I just somehow say that we can't see daddy anymore? I'm so confused. And so so angry but I don't want DS to feel any of that.

Please can someone help with what I should do?

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 30/04/2018 20:23

When my children's dad went to prison and they haven't seen him since now three years I kept as near to the truth as possible they were very similar ages to your child

So nothing could come back and bite me in the bum in future so tell as much of the truth as you can in my opinion my guys were quiet close to there dad and three years on one has the odd tear but the other two seldom think about him

moreismore · 30/04/2018 20:23

I’m so sorry, what an awful situation. My instinct would be to find an age-appropriate version of the truth. That way you can build on it as he gets older if he has more questions. Also with the amount of information available online he’s likely to be able to find the truth himself at some stage. Are there any charities or support groups that might be able to advise? Wishing you all the best Flowers

KingFlamingo · 30/04/2018 20:24

No real advice but don't want to read and run.
I am sure there will professional organisations out there you can get advice from. Perhaps CAFCASS, NSPCC or even request a social worker? Does your DS have Place2Be at his school? I don't feel this is something you should have to tackle alone. Personally, I'd feel cautious to say it right to minimise negative impacts on my DC so I would want help.

Look after yourself too, sounds like a tough situation for you as well as your DS.

ModreB · 30/04/2018 20:29

I have not been in your situation, but I would tell DS that his Dad did something wrong that means he can't see DS until DS is a grown up. Tell him that as his parent, you are responsible for keeping him safe, and that you can't do that if he sees his Dad. You don't have to explain what Dad did, just that it was bad enough that the Police needed to make sure that everyone was safe, including you and DS.

Explain, if you don't keep him safe, someone else will make that decision for you, which you don't want. I would also explain that if anything changed, I would discuss it with DS and decide what to do with the new information.

TeenTimesTwo · 30/04/2018 20:35

as in Daddy has gotten into trouble with the police and we have to stay away from him

I think this is fine. I would add 'for the moment'.

As adopters we are told to tell the truth in an age appropriate manner. Depending on how the situation progresses you then have the foundations on which to add 'Dad has gone to prison' or 'Dad behaved inappropriately to some women' or 'sexually assaulted' as and when your DC is old enough.

Original poster
UtterClusterFluff · 30/04/2018 20:37

I am waiting for a social worker to be in touch. Because of the difference in areas there has been a bit of a delay in passing from one team to another.

I don't think their is a risk that DS has been harmed but I would feel more comfortable if someone else assessed that too.

OP posts:
Flexoset · 30/04/2018 20:41

You say he's been charged, but you don't say he's been convicted.

Obviously you don't want DS to have contact with him in the interim! But is it possible to put off the conversation till there is a conviction? Gives you firmer ground and more certainty. Otherwise what do you tell DS if his dad is not convicted after all?

And if DS only sees him now and then anyway, then hopefully he won't find it odd that his father hasn't dropped round for a while.

Undercoverbanana · 30/04/2018 20:46

I can only speak for my DCs (who are now 22 and 19) but they would not have accepted anything but the full story, even at the age of 10.

IMHO you are going to have to tell him the whole truth.

He will probably find out eventually.

I am so sorry you are both going through this and I wish your DS a happy, safe childhood.

Original poster
UtterClusterFluff · 30/04/2018 21:19

From what I understand there is no question over his guilt. Of course, there is a chance he won't be convicted but he has admitted it so that is enough for me to be certain that contact now needs to be cut.

I'm so concerned about telling him the truth. I don't want this to be something he carries with him for ever.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/04/2018 21:25

I would tell him a simplified form of the truth. And its definitely a matter of not seeing him again until he's grown up, rather than ever. As an adult it will be his choice, for better or worse.

OnTheRise · 30/04/2018 21:33

You can't risk not telling him the truth, OP. If his father is convicted his name will probably appear online, and your child could find it if he ever thinks to google it.

Tell him something age-appropriate which is as close to the truth as you can manage.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you're ok.

category12 · 30/04/2018 21:46

I'd get professional advice.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 30/04/2018 22:00

I had a not quite at all similar situation with my DC (then 6 & 10) a few years back (their father was charged and his bail conditions meant he couldn't see the DC for a month or two). It happened very quickly (literally overnight). What I stuck to, and what seemed to help them was only giving them the absolute basic information 'Daddy can't be here right now, but he would if he could be' and then waiting to see if they asked questions. When they did, I answered honestly 'I don't know when we'll see him again.' or 'No, it's nothing you've done, it's a grown up thing.' Honesty, but at the same time protecting them from the full horror of it all.

I remembered a friend of mine who'd adopted a toddler and the advice she was given was always to wait for them to ask the questions they feel ready to have answers to - don't overwhelm with information they haven't requested.They'll be able to put the pieces together when they're old enough, and won't have the memory of being told something out of the blue.

(((hugs))) to you - you're in a very difficult situation and it must be so hard.

Original poster
UtterClusterFluff · 05/05/2018 08:09

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I've not spoken with DS about it yet. I think I will give it a week or two and see if he asks why he's not chatted to Daddy yet. I am still not sure what I will say exactly. My biggest fear is that DS will find out what happened and feel some shame or stigma around it.

There is another whole issue rumbling on. exP has a wife who is seemingly supporting him. She is minimising and excusing what has happened. They have children together and she is keen for the sibling link to continue.

I feel that all the time she is excusing and normalising this behaviour I do not want any contact at all. I think skyping his siblings is going to be very confusing and I worry that it will mean DS will come to find out what has happened or it will make him want to visit which will be more upsetting.

I really think a clean break here is for the best for DS. Am I being too harsh on this?

It's awful that the children are the ones paying for his behaviour but I'm trying to find the least painful route for DS in the long run.

OP posts:
Dadaist · 05/05/2018 09:48

Just don’t lie. You don’t need to say the full truth and make it age appropriate- and be there for him.

ManifestingPowerhouse · 05/05/2018 10:01

It's a difficult one as there are siblings and another side of the family your DS would lose. A friend of mine had a similar situation and her DS went to live with his Dad as soon as he was 18.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2018 10:03

Your last point is the most pertinent one for me.

The whole notion of contact with Dad, what to say to your DS and how - all horribly complicated and hard to know what to do for the best long term. But the very idea that there is even one person who DS would see in the role of 'significant adult' within the family who is giving out the message that it's not that serious, that Dad is a victim, that there should be little or no sanction -that would settle it, instantly, permanently - I would be adamant that there should be absolutely NO CONTACT with that person. Ever.

The one thing that is the most important message/lesson for your DS here, even if it takes until adulthood for that message to crystallise (when he does realise or find out why contact with his Dad ceased) - is that what his father did is unforgivable. That there are some things that society says are a No. The worst thing that could happen, worse than losing touch with Dad or siblings, is that what his father did and the reaction to it teaches him that it's ok to minimise sexual assault. To smear or disbelieve the victim. To make excuses 'he made a mistake' 'they were complicit' 'it's not that bad, they didn't exactly shout or scream'.

I would create merry hell to make sure my DS did not absorb that way of thinking, because with his Dad as the perpetrator, it would be very easy for him to do so.

Your DS's step mum may be in a terible position, but her taking that stance would ensure that contact was firmly cut.

Original poster
UtterClusterFluff · 05/05/2018 10:14

FizzyGreenWater That is exactly how I feel.

She is supporting him which is totally her choice but I don't want exP to have any input in DS life at all. He must not be allowed to influence who DS will become IMO. She disagrees and for that reason I do not want her to have a chance to fit his case to DS in any way. No matter how well meaning she might think it (she wants to save exP and feels my decision will lead to his complete breakdown)

The sibling thing is tricky - step mums social worker has made the case that we could just use skype and they could visit in my area and DS never be left alone with them/step mum so I feel in control of the situation but I feel that will always open the door for exP.

The siblings are young. They will mention time with their dad, ask DS why he is not visiting for the summer, talk of family days out etc This will be confusing for DS. He might feel pushed out of the family and blame himself for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
UtterClusterFluff · 05/05/2018 10:20

Most people, including the NSPCC advisors, are saying don't lie. Explain to DS that his dad has done something bad and that means that we cannot see him now. I should explain it in simple terms like that and as he gets older he may ask more questions and I can fill in the gaps.

I think DS will ask what he's done. I don't ever want to have to explain that but I know I will eventually.

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 05/05/2018 10:45

I admire you, what a tough situation to be in and be managing.

In my opinion, I'd be wary of cutting all contact off. Your DS will form his own opinion of his father as he becomes a young adult but remember he may also too be protective of his dad just like the new wife is? I would certainly limit, control and supervise his contact but I wouldn't cease it altogether. Even if they only talk on the phone until your son is old enough to understand the crime and make his own decision.

user1486956786 · 05/05/2018 10:50

To add to my comment, I agree with other posts 'Daddy did something bad.... this is why you can't see him for a while and can only have quick phone chats... ' This way you are always reminding your son, this crime he'll eventually find out about, is bad, there's a punishment for dad as he can't see his children and you have always protected him.

ittakes2 · 05/05/2018 11:06

If your DS is an only child, and it sounds like he is, by cutting off contact with his dad and his step sibiligs he’s losing a lot of family members in one go and I feel very sad for him. Regardless about what you do with his blood related family - I would suggest ensuring he has very good friendships will help him feel he has a support network around him as he grows older.

ClaryFray · 05/05/2018 11:36

Tell the truth in an age appropriate way.

Original poster
UtterClusterFluff · 05/05/2018 11:55

There is no question that he will have no contact with his father. Even by telephone. I can't see me ever bending on that. What he has done is just too terrible. I don't think you can separate the two things. He can't do that and still be a good person/dad.

The sibling thing is harder. I would hate for him to lose them but they will come with his step mum who is presenting her own set of worries to be honest.

And limited involvement with them will be confusing for him. The question is which will be more hurtful? Not having any contact or having very limited skype contact with them but no one else? I think this will cause more issues to be honest.

OP posts:
Noboozeforme · 05/05/2018 12:10

I'm one for telling children the truth that is age appropriate. If they then ask more questions then you probably targeted it at a leval too young for them... and you give them a little more until it makes sense in their heads.

In terms of the half siblings.. could you ask what your son would like to do ?