Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Wife only wants a baby now and won’t even wait 6 months

41 replies

Stepdad13 · 30/04/2018 16:36

Hello all,

A bit of background here. I’m 31 turning 32 soon, wife is 30. She has a boy of 6 with her previously boyfriend.

We had a terrible start to our relationship a few years ago which entailed her ex deciding to stalk, abuse us and then resulting in an unprovoked attack on me which subsequently resulted in him with a suspended sentence. Yet through all this I decided to stay with her, and she decided to stay with me as it could of been easier for her to have just ended it. It was down to jealously and envy we believe.

Once all this came to an end and a restraining order issued against her ex one of the worst things happened to me, my sister was murdered. As you can expect it sent shockwaves through the whole family and although me and my sister weren’t the closest in the world it devestated me. My only full sister sadly no longer with us.

This happened a few months before we were due to get married in late 2017 having been engaged for a couple of years which we went ahead with. A very tough day overall but also a brilliant one at that.

The sticking point we have come across is that of a baby. I would ideally like to have some normality in our life and for things to settle down, go on our planned holidays together in the summer, concentrate on our business which we only launched last year and renovate our house before we commit to bringing another person into the world. I think this is quite reasonable thinking however my wife strongly disagrees and has given me the ultimatum, baby’s now or never? (I only want to wait until 2019)

The difficulty I also have is that she has the mindset that we cannot and won’t do anything with our baby unless my stepson is involved even when he’s at his dads or away with his dad. She doesn’t want him missing out as such. I get this, I really do but we cannot live our life like this, surely it isn’t fair on our baby if we were to have one.

Additionally we’re due to fly out across the world to New Zealand for the wedding of my best friend. My wife doesn’t want us going without stepson and with baby although his dad has him for a week of it and either my mum or hers will look after him for the other week. He’ll be 8 when this comes about. She sees it as my stepson missing out yet a potentially 6 month old child isn’t really going to be remembering this trip at all.

Am I being totally unreasonable here? Or does she have a fair point?

Really appreciate other people’s views.

Stepdad13

OP posts:

category12 · 30/04/2018 16:52

If you're not ready for a dc then that's not unreasonable.

I think you're a bit unreasonable about her son - they come as a package, as such, so I'd expect to take all dc on holidays and to family occasions.

I think it's a bit daft to plan to have a baby before going to New Zealand - what if she doesn't fall pregnant on schedule and ends up unable to travel because she's too heavily pregnant?

mindutopia · 30/04/2018 16:54

Well, I think these are separate issues. First, whenever you decide to have children together, the decision has to be mutual. Why would she not start trying in 6 months instead of right now? Is she worried about fertility issues? Is it to do with timing in her professional life? Age gap? Ultimately, you all have to decide together and if you can’t then that’s something you probably should have discussed before marriage.

As for travel, I think your wife is being the reasonable one here, but you probably can’t realise that because you aren’t a parent yet of a child of your own. I have a 5 year old and a baby. No way in hell I’d get on a plane and leave them behind while I went to NZ! I have traveled and left my older one with my husband for a week or so for work trips, but you can’t just leave a 6 month old behind with people they aren’t familiar with and especially not if she’s bf. I have a wedding to go to in October when my ds will be 7 months and I can’t go because I won’t be able to leave him for the week (it’s abroad, I’m bf and co-sleeping, my husband has to stay behind because our older one is in school). So if that’s what you mean by she won’t do anything without including her son, yes, that’s called parenting. Not going out for dinner alone ever without him would be a different thing. But most people wouldn’t leave their young children on the other side of the world for a wedding. In those situations, usually just one parent goes or no one does if it’s a child free wedding or you all go. That’s just sort of life with kids.

Dozer · 30/04/2018 16:59

Very sorry about your sister. And the problems with your wife’s ex.

S/he who wants to wait to ttc wins out IMO. Fertility can be a problem, but six months isn’t long to wait.

You’re being unrealistic to think it’ll be easy - or even possible - to travel to the other side of the world with a tiny baby. Or when pregnant.

Carouselfish · 30/04/2018 17:00

First of all, she could go through your whole married life issuing you ultimatums to get what she wants. She doesn't seem to have given a real reason for not wanting to wait, whereas you have all the sensible reasons for waiting.
Secondly, even if you began trying immediately, you don't know when or even if, she'll get pregnant. With a big trip to NZ coming up, it makes sense to wait to try until AFTER that. Otherwise she might be 8 months gone and be unable to go at all. Or have a tiny newborn and be too exhausted to do a 20 hour flight etc etc.

The NZ trip would be a fantastic opportunity for your stepson. Take him. No reason not to if it can be arranged with his dad. I can understand her viewpoint that she wouldn't want to do major exciting and amazing things with the child you have together without including her older child. That doesn't stop you having one to one time with the child you have together however, just save the big family trips and adventures for when you are all together.

Dozer · 30/04/2018 17:00

If she says “now or never” is she actually hoping it’ll be never?

Original poster

Stepdad13 · 30/04/2018 17:08

Thank you for your input. Really appreciate it.

I’m quite new to parenting as such so it’s good to get other people’s view on matters. I just struggle knowing what’s right and what’s not.

Just to add a little here, she’s not letting me go to NZ on my own even if we have or don’t have a baby. Otherwise I’d go on my own, she’d be in the U.K. with my stepson. I totally understand the timing issue now, won’t be comfortable flying if 6 months pregnant.

Sorry Mindytopia, that’s what I was suggesting, if we have baby we go to NZ with baby as Stepson will be at his dads anyway. I wouldn’t leave a 6 month old baby at home with grandparents, no way at all.

OP posts:

Cawfee · 30/04/2018 17:12

Blimey. This all sounds very intense and complicated. Firstly, I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. How awful. Secondly, I agree with you on all of your points. The wedding is your best friend so I’m not sure why anybody should expect your stepson gets taken. Not everybody can be involved in everything all the time. It’s completely unreasonable, stressy and expensive! He has his own father and a separate extended family. If his dads best friend got married, would anybody expect your baby to be invited? Of course not. There’s no link and no expectation. I think your wife sounds a bit bizarre with her thoughts and expectations to be honest. Waiting a couple of years sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible after everything you’ve been through. It’s worrying that she’s issuing ultimatums. It’s abusive to be honest. You’d be best working out if you really want to be involved with her and that type of behaviour for the rest of your life. Personally I’d say go to your best friends wedding solo and tell her that she’d best sort out her attitude/expectations or the entire relationship is finished

Babyplaymat · 30/04/2018 17:13

And she presumably feels the same about her son. No way would I leave any of my children behind. And what a trip for him to miss out on!

Dozer · 30/04/2018 17:13

Unless she is paying, or money/annual leave is a problem for your household, she doesn’t get to decide whether or not you go to your friend’s wedding in NZ: she gets to decide whether she attends and whether to see if DS can attend.

Original poster

Stepdad13 · 30/04/2018 17:13

Dozer, she’s hoping now as all our friends are having little ones and family keep asking her continuously. Her reasonings are age gaps between stepson and baby. I generally don’t see it as an issue as the age gap between me and my half sister is 17 years. Doesn’t make me love her any less.

I’d love to be a dad (a second time as such as I see my stepson as mine). If I suggested we wait until after NZ she’d definitely not have another baby.

Also I’d never do an amazing trip away without my stepson. I understand NZ seems amazing but my only purpose for travelling there is for wedding.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/04/2018 17:15

You need to think of your stepson as part of your family, not "oh he can go to his dad's".

Dozer · 30/04/2018 17:15

Given that her ex is unreasonable it may not be possible for her DS to attend. But an 8yo could get a lot out of such a special trip.

category12 · 30/04/2018 17:17

It shouldn't be a question of her "not letting" you go alone, tho. That's out of line.

Dozer · 30/04/2018 17:18

Her making “now or never” threats is unfair and no way to go about ttc. Suggest you use condoms if not already doing so!

It’s inconsistent to say you think of your stepson as your own but not wish to take him to what he may well regard as an exciting trip to NZ, unless money is a big issue in which case perhaps you may need to miss it.

category12 · 30/04/2018 17:19

I hope you're in control of your own fertility if she's domineering.

Original poster

Stepdad13 · 30/04/2018 17:20

My stepson is a massive part of my life and I do a tremendous amount for him, far more than his own dad. The issue we have is school, we don’t want to take him out of school as his dad won’t approve it. I feel it’s a no win no win situation at times, I want to attend wedding as I cannot see why I shouldn’t. I do everything I can to provide for my family and wouldn’t let them go without.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepdad13 · 30/04/2018 17:22

I’m more than happy for him to come to NZ, money isn’t an issue here. It will be his dad, he just won’t approve it and taking him out of school doesn’t sit well with either of us.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 30/04/2018 17:22

Do you think that maybe the baby planning and the NZ trip dilemma are tied together? She doesn't want to rock the boat with ex by wanting to take her DS out of school. So she doesn't want to do the trip at all. And she doesn't want you to go without her. So if she's pregnant, you can't go.
I may be way off here, but it seems very odd for her to say 'now or never' to the baby.

Dozer · 30/04/2018 17:23

Right, so DS can’t go because of school and his father - fair enough. If you want to go, go. Your wife can decide whether or not to join you.

Unless money or other factors mean you’d be unreasonable to spend family money on the trip, which I assume will cost a lot. For example, if you go alone will you still be able to afford a family holiday?

Original poster

Stepdad13 · 30/04/2018 17:26

Money isn’t an issue whatsoever here. We’ll still be able to afford our family holiday.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/04/2018 17:27

Hi - her ultimatum of 'now or never' just sounds weird. Surely if she wants another baby, she knows that there is no guarantee when you conceive?

Also find strange the mindset that we cannot and won’t do anything with our baby unless my stepson is involved even when he’s at his dads or away with his dad

So what happens to baby when stepson is at his Dad's? you can hardly stick him in a box underneath the stairs until he comes home again!?!?!?

And again, this is a baby that doesn't even exist yet.

And finally she’s not letting me go to NZ on my own even if we have or don’t have a baby* - sorry but she is coming across as being a bit of a control freak. Does she want to get her own way all the time? You are a grown man, it's not up to her to 'let you' or 'not let you' do things?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 30/04/2018 17:29

I know there's 2 sides to every story blah-de-blah... but tbh OP your wife sounds very controlling.

juneau · 30/04/2018 17:32

From what you've said she sounds quite controlling and petulant. Is she? If so, I'm not sure this is going to work.

Original poster

Stepdad13 · 30/04/2018 17:35

She suffers from severe anxiety, however she has worked very very hard to improve it and it has improved massively. She always thinks I’m going to find someone else who’s better for me etc no matter what I do and tell her it doesn’t get through to her. The anxiety is generated from her ex’s abusive behaviours and controlling. I find it hard to reason with her about things, but I’m not innocent here either, I’m as stubborn as an ox at times so can just be as difficult. However my stubbornness is often me having calculated thoughts, reasonings and actions.

OP posts:

OutofSyncGirl · 30/04/2018 17:36

I think it's reasonable for you to want to wait. But you should treat your step son and any subsequent children your have with your partner the same. And it's natural that she will want her son to be involved with any children you have together. You should want this as well.

Although you say you do a lot for him that's not really the point because any resentment you feel towards him he will be aware of.

Flip

1 2