Wife only wants a baby now and won’t even wait 6 months

[Stepdad13]

Hello all,

A bit of background here. I’m 31 turning 32 soon, wife is 30. She has a boy of 6 with her previously boyfriend.

We had a terrible start to our relationship a few years ago which entailed her ex deciding to stalk, abuse us and then resulting in an unprovoked attack on me which subsequently resulted in him with a suspended sentence. Yet through all this I decided to stay with her, and she decided to stay with me as it could of been easier for her to have just ended it. It was down to jealously and envy we believe.

Once all this came to an end and a restraining order issued against her ex one of the worst things happened to me, my sister was murdered. As you can expect it sent shockwaves through the whole family and although me and my sister weren’t the closest in the world it devestated me. My only full sister sadly no longer with us.

This happened a few months before we were due to get married in late 2017 having been engaged for a couple of years which we went ahead with. A very tough day overall but also a brilliant one at that.

The sticking point we have come across is that of a baby. I would ideally like to have some normality in our life and for things to settle down, go on our planned holidays together in the summer, concentrate on our business which we only launched last year and renovate our house before we commit to bringing another person into the world. I think this is quite reasonable thinking however my wife strongly disagrees and has given me the ultimatum, baby’s now or never? (I only want to wait until 2019)

The difficulty I also have is that she has the mindset that we cannot and won’t do anything with our baby unless my stepson is involved even when he’s at his dads or away with his dad. She doesn’t want him missing out as such. I get this, I really do but we cannot live our life like this, surely it isn’t fair on our baby if we were to have one.

Additionally we’re due to fly out across the world to New Zealand for the wedding of my best friend. My wife doesn’t want us going without stepson and with baby although his dad has him for a week of it and either my mum or hers will look after him for the other week. He’ll be 8 when this comes about. She sees it as my stepson missing out yet a potentially 6 month old child isn’t really going to be remembering this trip at all.

Am I being totally unreasonable here? Or does she have a fair point?

Really appreciate other people’s views.

Stepdad13

It does sound as if your relationship has already suffered a lot of external pressure and I'm sorry to hear that your sister was murdered. How awful :(

I can understand her anxiety re: her ex, as he sounds like a scary, abusive nutcase. However, she can't treat every man as if he's an abuser just waiting to strike. If you two are married and planning a family together then she needs to understand that it's not just her way or the highway - normal people in normal relationships talk about things, discuss, compromise, give and take, etc. If you're not ready and want to wait a year that's entirely reasonable and given your respective ages it's not like you need to rush. She needs to trust you, bottom line, and to let go a little. If she's going to issue ultimatums for everything your life is going to exhausting.

And re your sister. How awful for you.

No she can't issue ultimatums to you like that - that's really selfish of her. She also has to understand that if you do have a child together, you will be doing things without her other son, (when he's at dads) or does she expect you all to just sit in the house while he's away?

Just to add a little here, she’s not letting me go to NZ on my own even if we have or don’t have a baby

I'm a bit speechless at this tbh. I'd put a stop to that right now if you want to have any kind of life with her.

Although you say you do a lot for him that's not really the point because any resentment you feel towards him he will be aware of

Sorry but why are you talking about resentment? OP hasn't come across as resetful at all on any of his posts, quite the opposite in fact.

I was referring to the comment about OP not understanding why they have to do everything with his step son but on reading that again perhaps I misunderstood...

You don’t sound unreasonable to me OP and I’m another one who’d encourage you to put one on it if you are not already doing so

She sounds like a broody woman, one who probably has been for some time but was just about only able to wait until she was married. Desperation to become a mum has now taken over. Good luck fighting a broody woman, those hormones kicking in, it does make them ready for anything! For a start, she might just have one of those pill accident anyway.

Maybe she is concerned that conception won't happen right away?

Op, do you really think someone who gives ultimatums, won’t allow you to travel by your self to your best friends wedding, and is stubborn and anxious will be a good mother ?

A woman posting the above about her husband would be told he’s controlling and to leave him.

I agree with her on one point. I wouldn't want to leave my DCs for that amount of time.

To be honest, she sounds massively controlling and manipulative. I don't like ultimatums one bit. I would be wary about having a child with her at all. It's her way or nothing from the sounds of it.

I couldn't stay with someone like this. Marriage in those kind of circumstances would seem more like a prison sentence.

You and your wife have both been through a lot and I think some counselling might be a good idea. Your wife is acting quite strangely and being very controlling and you are not being assertive enough. Of course you should hear her out and try to compromise but it seems like you are letting her go a bit too far before setting any boundaries to protect yourself.
I think these things could be explained by the traumatic circumstances you have been through. I definitely think putting the idea of a new baby on hold until you get this under control is the right thing to do.

I think some posters have misunderstood about NZ.

Op wants to go to NZ for close friend"s wedding.
Op's wife won't allow him to go without her.

If they have a baby by then, she refuses to go with op and baby unless stepson goes too, so as not to leave stepson out.
However her ex won't let stepson go.

So the only way op can see to go to the wedding is to not have a baby by then, so he can wife can go with no kids.

Is that right?

Op if you think her actions come from anxiety, I would sit her down and tell her that you want the marriage to work, but if she issues you ultimatums and doesn't trust you then you're worried about how that will damage your relationship. Encourage her to talk about her anxieties and decide together what is reasonable. I would want her to be in a calmer, more trusting place before having a baby together.

Your wife sounds a bit of a nightmare tbh. “It’s now or never” with the baby is unrealistic and controlling and “not letting you” go to NZ is bang out of order unless it would leave you in penury (which given you are planning to go with your wife I am guessing it wouldn’t)

I also don’t think leaving the kid with his father and grandparents is unreasonable either

Just to add its good you are taking on her son and trying to be a good step dad to him. I agree you should try to include him in everything you can and don't let him feel pushed out by the new baby if you have one. It won't always be easy but he is another one who hasn't had an easy time and he needs all the support and love you can give him.

You can't give ultimatums on bringing another life into the world.
If you aren't ready then that's that.
She can't change how you feel about it.
If I was with a partner and they said now or never, I'd be out the door.
That's just not on!
I think you both want different things for different reasons.
This won't work long term.
If she thinks her behaviour now is OK then you need to get out now.