The saddest I have ever been

[Strugglingtodothis]

I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with DH over 10 years and two DCs. I love him with all my heart and want this to work but it’s just so hard at the moment.

DH has depression and told me this when we first got together. He also told me he’d attempted suicide because of it as a teenager. I don’t think I fully understood what depression was or how serious an illness it could be and promised it wasnt an issue for me and we would get through it. We had a great relationship and there were no issues with his depression at all but 3 years ago everything changed. He became very withdrawn and seemed to just be going through the motions - he wasn’t him anymore. Ever since then we’ve gone through a vicious cycle of talking about the depression and having some VERY difficult conversations (eg he feels numb to everything all the time, thinks about suicide constantly, is just incredibly sad), then he tries to be positive for a month or 2 and things seem better and then he blows up at me and we end up having the very upsetting conversations for a bout a week again. The most recent one he screamed at me that he hates life and he just doesn’t want to be here anymore. That was yesterday and we spent most of the day talking, weighing up what to do, should we stay together, what could I do to help him, did he need some time out from work and every day life and also just talking about how unhappy he is all of the time.

I’ve now had enough. This has been happening for 3 years and it’s killing me. I don’t know how to get through the day. I’m heartbroken that he is so sad it breaks me to watch it. At the same time I’m angry - I’m so resentful of depression which I’ve grown to see as a selfish illness which means everything revolves around him all the time. Meanwhile I am slowly going insane. I’ve changed from such a positive person - I feel suffocated by the emotions I feel sometimes and I feel utterly trapped because nothing I say or do makes him feel any better and believe me I have tried so hard.

Just to add because I know this will be the first thing mentioned - he absolutely point blank refuses to get help after much begging from myself. He won’t take pills (a friend of his too antidepressants and his personality completely changed) and says he’s not the type of person that would benefit from therapy (even though he’s never tried this). Really don’t know what to do today....I have two wonderful children and everything else I’ve ever wanted in life but I’m just incredibly sad all the time because of this.

Sorry you’re going through this - I’m in a very similar place after 9 years and one DD. Was your DH officially diagnosed with depression? I’m still not sure if mine is going through depression, or just bored of me or feeling guilty because he did something bad.

Mental illness is selfish, by its very definition.

For me, the crux here is you have children, it's not ok to bring them up in this environment.

For all your sakes I think you need to leave if he won't seek help. You can't all continue to live like this.

I don’t think that his depression is selfish but the refusal to get any help when it’s having an impact on the family is. Antidepressants and therapy will almost certainly have a positive influence. I think if he won’t help himself yes, you need to leave.

He won’t get help though. I know he won’t - 3 years of begging have told me this. If I left I would feel like I’m abandoning him and if I give him the ultimatum of therapy or me leaving I think he would see it as emotional blackmail. He’s a great dad and the kids are completely unaware but I know as they get older they’ll begin to realise and I just don’t want that. They deserve better. Maybe leaving is the only way? I just love him so much it would be hard....

I think depression IS selfish. Every single conversation we have turns into one about him and his depression. Depression trumps absolutely everything - if I’m having a bad day, if I’m unwell, if I can’t take any of this any more its always worse for him because he has depression. I’m the one expected to be supportive, patient and understanding all the time and all the while there is absolutely no one to support me. I feel broken. I can’t even talk to anyone in real life about it because he’s so desperately ashamed he’s asked me not to.

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone.

Sorry to hear what you and he are going through.

Unfortunately there is still a stigma attached to mental illness and its treatment, and this can be a big factor in people not wanting to access support. Obviously depression causes negative thinking, inertia, and a feeling that things will never get better, and this too can result in sufferers avoiding seeking the help they need.

I don't believe mental illness, an illness in the brain, should be labelled "selfish" any more than a physical illness. Yes, the sufferer needs help and support, but so do sufferers of many physical conditions.

If your DH is unwell enough to be thinking he "doesn't want to be here any more" then that's pretty serious and it is the depression talking. Does his current GP know your DH has major depression which is currently untreated? If not, you can inform him/her, although they won't discuss a patient with you without their permission.

As for medication, does your DH realised there are various antidepressants and combinations of medications available? They are definitely not "one size fits all", as each individual can react differently to different medications. Just because one friend of his had a particular reaction to a particular medicine, doesn't mean your DH will have the same reaction, to that medicine or any of the others available. Some patients find the first one they try works very well for them, others have to try a few. In the unlikely event that a "changed personality" was a side-effect of the medicine, your DH could ask for a different one. In any case, I'd say to him that depression itself puts what can look like a "personality change" on people as part of the illness.

If he is suicidal and wont get help I would be loathe to leave dc alone with him.

My dm always said if she decided to go she would take me with her.

Hence why I am NC with her.

You may have already tried contacting MIND but here are some links in case:

MIND helpline

Helping someone else seek help

For Friends and Family

I was going to say the same as the previous poster. If you leave and he is suicidal, you can’t leave the DC with him. If he’s bad then he might harm the kids too. I know you think he won’t but depression is a terrible illness and his marriage splitting up isn’t going to make it better. Please protect yourself and your kids if you do leave. Maybe the deal has to be medication and counselling for him to see the kids or a contact centre where you know it’s safe. Awful situation for you

Oliversmumsarmy that is truly awful - how horrible for you. I know he wouldn’t harm a hair on my dcs heads though....although hes never alone with them anyway so it’s not an issue.

Roundaboutsnail - yes he is aware that there are different treatments and drug combinations out there as I have done a painstaking amount of research over the years to try to persuade him. I wake up in the middle of the night worried about it sometimes and am on my phone looking things up until 6am. I’m certainly not taking it lightly as I would love him to go to the doctor. The gp has no idea about his mental health as he has never told them.

I understand that there is a stigma around mental health which is why my husband is ashamed and doesn’t want anyone knowing. It’s great that people are trying to raise awareness about it at the moment but what about awareness for people living with sufferers because I can tell you now it’s hell on earth to watch someone you love go through this while having to put your own feelings, emotions and mental health to the side. He doesn’t ever ask me how I’m doing in all of this and if I tell him it becomes about the depression again some how. All the while I’m trying to make sure our kids have as normal life as possible and hide it from everyone else to save him from embarrassment. I’ve tried to cope and I was doing bloody well until now it’s just relentless. I don’t know what I can’t do anymore to support him.

I went through something similar and after 6 years of it I left. But I didn’t have any kids.
No one tells you how hard it is to be on the receiving end of depression in a partner.
My dp also wouldn’t seek help.
Funnily he did after I left, but too much had happened to go back for me.

I think the only thing to do is to sit down with him and explain that this will destroy your marriage, and that you give him an ultimatum with regards to seeking help.

I would have stuck through anything if he would have just got help. And that showed me, that no matter how scared of dealing with it he was, he put that fear above our relationship.
If you set an ultimatum you have to go through with it though sadly. For everyone’s sake

"Every single conversation we have turns into one about him and his depression. Depression trumps absolutely everything - if I’m having a bad day, if I’m unwell, if I can’t take any of this any more its always worse for him because he has depression."

Hmmm. It's possible for someone to have absolutely terrible depression AND be rather selfish/milk it so they don't have to put any effort in.
I've had bad depression (signed off work/ADs/etc) but I was still aware that other people had legitimate needs and needed support. Even at my worst, I would never dream of telling someone I cared about that their issue didn't matter because mine was worse.

As someone who has suffered on and off with depression - you get help.

I didn't want pills. But I saw how much my mental health was effecting my DH, so I did.

Can you try couples counselling? Would he be more open to therapy if it's both of you? I'd talk to him about how much his depression is now effecting you, you may have to give him an ultimatum to push him to get the help he needs.

That sounds like such a difficult situation. I think you absolutely have to leave, for the sake of your children. I grew up with a depressed parent who refused to seek help. It was utterly wretched and has had life long implications for me and all my siblings. This parent btw absolutely adored us and was fantastic in so many other respects, but when it was bad the depression clouded out everything else. Children simply cannot fully understand depression and the sadness and guilt they experience when a parent is depressed is just awful. Your children may already be feeling this, but masking it.

A temporary spilt may be the impetus he needs to seek proper help, or it might not. Either way, please don't struggle on through this. Everything you are feeling now will be felt by your children in time and I'm sure you don't want that for them.

Agree - you can be depressed and care about others feelings.
I've seen depression nearly destroy relationships.
There is so much help available.
NHS - let's talk well being is excellent , as is 'insight' who offer phone consultation .
Loads of people / men suffer from depression. But it can be beaten - there if always hope.
Good luck x

I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care about my feelings...more that if I try to talk to him about them the conversation inevitably goes back to his depression. This leads to me feeling sorry for him and consoling him or dropping the subject for fear of upsetting him. Actually I always live in fear of upsetting him because there’s always that worry of will today be the day he just has enough and does something drastic...

Thank you everyone for your comments. Cheese what you said about growing up with a depressed parent has struck me. I’m going to have a closer look on the impact depressed parents have on children and marriages and speak with him tonight. I’m going to tell him I have no choice but to get them out of this situation if he will not go to the doctors. I’m going to give him the ultimatum and also offer to go with him if that makes it easier but with or without me he has to go.

I’m terrified because I don’t want to do this as if he says no I’ll need to follow through with it. I’m so scared he’ll say no. But this is the right thing for us and if we do split I’ll be clinging to the hope that it’s temporary.

Oh OP I feel so sad reading your posts.

You say he loves you and the kids - but not enough it seems. Not enough to do anything about his illness.

I really hope your talk tonight does the trick. Saying you will leave if he doesn't get help isn't emotional blackmail by this stage. It's statement of fact

Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. I completely empathise, it can be hell on earth when your partner is depressed. Sometimes i get so mad at all the ads and blogs telling people with depression to ‘reach out’ when there is so little support for those trying to support them. I found it helpful to ring a depression helpline because they understood what i was going through. But at the end of the day you have to mind yoursrlf - your mental health mattters too! Take care x

He needs to seek help for the sake of his family if not himself. Present it to him that way, that he might have no faith in it working, but that you need him to do it for you. If he refuses, I would honesty say I'm off. You can offer a certain level of support from a distance and allow supervised contact with the children but don't leave them alone or have them spend too long with him. It's horrible for children to be around depressed parents, they pick up on it very quickly and it has lifelong implications.

OP I've had depression, bad bad depression and I have friends who've been hospitalised and tried to take their own lives. Depression is by its nature a selfish illness in that the illness tries to thwart you from taking action against it. But it is possible to have depression and behave in a selfish way. He has depression, you don't have to be miserable because of this.

The way I see it is this: If he won't get help, that's his choice. He does not get to dictate your feelings or the happiness of your children. I'd definitely advocate for you going for counselling yourself to have someone to talk to (even if it is just calling the Samaritans for someone to listen) because right now you are dealing with this on your own and that isn't fair.

He doesn't get to dictate to you that you are 'not allowed to tell' either. OK so not telling people in the general community, fine; but if you access confidential services for yourself he needs to know that you also need support, and that it is ok if he isn't the one in a place to give that right now but you WILL be talking about the problem and the problem is his depression. Without being able to talk about it you will break and it will ruin your relationship.

If he had cancer he would presumably understand if you needed support to support him. If he was an alcoholic, same.

It's not blackmail pointing out that he has choices. He can try and fix things or he can let you leave. But I will say that for some people (my ex) it's easier to remain unwell when the result is that everyone does what you say, because you're in control and you control the behaviour of others around you. He had no vested interest in getting well because it would mean people would stop running round pandering to his every whim and excusing all bad behaviour. My ex brushed off all suggestions of therapy and medication because there was always a reason why it wouldn't work when actually it just meant doing something a bit scary and addressing the issue. I really hope he has a bit of a wake up call xx

There is some really good stuff on the Mind website about being a carer for someone with mental illness. The short version is you need to look after yourself too. It is ok to create boundaries in order to protect yourself and one of those can be insisting that he seeks help.

strugglingtodothis have you read depression fall out? It’s s book that talks about what happens to families when a parent has depression. It’s very good.

I grew up with my mother having depression. It completely suffocated my db and I as the house house evolved around her depression. We ended up walking on egg shells constantly. She was sectioned a few times.

My father ended up leaving her and got a new wife and then he got depression and he ground his new wife down so much she ended up on AD too. I have no relationship with either of them now as it was too much of an emotional drain.

If I was in your position I’d honestly leave. He won’t get help. So why drown in his self misery. You and your kids dont need to be with some one that refuses to get help.

My dad blames every one and every thing for his ‘apparent’ shit life. When I’m reality he fucks stuff up for himself and his wife. He wouldn’t even visit his elderly mother in hospital who had a broken back as he felt ‘off colour’

Some times depression steals a persons essence of life and on some occasions I don’t think they ever come back.

Don’t throw your future away trying to help some one who won’t help themselves

I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care about my feelings...more that if I try to talk to him about them the conversation inevitably goes back to his depression. This leads to me feeling sorry for him and consoling him or dropping the subject for fear of upsetting him

He knows what he is doing. His feels count more than yours. It sounds like your do used to treating him like kid gloves he know expects you to shut up about what you need out of life

I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care about my feelings...more that if I try to talk to him about them the conversation inevitably goes back to his depression. This leads to me feeling sorry for him and consoling him or dropping the subject for fear of upsetting him. Actually I always live in fear of upsetting him

I'm sorry but thats not depression. It makes people withdrawn, not actively controlling. Actively controlling in that way is abusive behaviour.

You absolutely must never leave the DC's with him, you cant trust that he would never harm them, because up til now you have always taken care to go along with him.

Leave and take the kids, and tell him that you will consider starting over after he gets help. He has to go for therapy and take AD's.

yes he is aware that there are different treatments and drug combinations out there as I have done a painstaking amount of research over the years to try to persuade him. I wake up in the middle of the night worried about it sometimes and am on my phone looking things up until 6am. I’m certainly not taking it lightly as I would love him to go to the doctor.

It's telling, isn't it? That you're putting infinitely more effort into solving or improving your DH's health issue than he is.

Depression is no excuse to decide to just continue on with an untreated illness that affects everyone else around you. He is acting selfishly. Whether that's due to the depression or just who he is as a person doesn't really matter, he's being selfish and you're bearing the brunt.

I would be explaining that as he is unwilling to get treatment for an illness that's harming his family as well as him, I sadly have no choice but to end the relationship.

I have depression btw. I wouldn't expect my OH to put up with it if I wasn't trying everything under my power to improve it (medication, therapy, self help), it's no different to if he had some kind of awful illness that meant he verbally or physically attacked me every couple weeks, but refused to treat it.

OP: I'm telling you, as someone with depression, that you have every right to end the relationship if you need to. It's been three years and you've done all you can, more than some would. If you need to leave to save yourself, leave. Nobody can help your husband but himself, and if he won't, you all deserve better.

I've also had it really bad and lost a lot because of it and I would never take tablets and found counselling really useless. I could never quite fathom how someone repeating back to me what I had just said was going to make me feel better.
Different things work though for different people. If hes not even prepared to try when he has a family I think you have to leave him. What type of life are you going to have being stuck with someone in that state and be worrying if they are going to still be here when you return home.
I would want a better life for myself and my children. tell him you either get help and engage properly or I'm leaving you and give him a day or two to make the Drs appointment. if he doesnt then just go.