The saddest I have ever been

[Strugglingtodothis]

I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with DH over 10 years and two DCs. I love him with all my heart and want this to work but it’s just so hard at the moment.

DH has depression and told me this when we first got together. He also told me he’d attempted suicide because of it as a teenager. I don’t think I fully understood what depression was or how serious an illness it could be and promised it wasnt an issue for me and we would get through it. We had a great relationship and there were no issues with his depression at all but 3 years ago everything changed. He became very withdrawn and seemed to just be going through the motions - he wasn’t him anymore. Ever since then we’ve gone through a vicious cycle of talking about the depression and having some VERY difficult conversations (eg he feels numb to everything all the time, thinks about suicide constantly, is just incredibly sad), then he tries to be positive for a month or 2 and things seem better and then he blows up at me and we end up having the very upsetting conversations for a bout a week again. The most recent one he screamed at me that he hates life and he just doesn’t want to be here anymore. That was yesterday and we spent most of the day talking, weighing up what to do, should we stay together, what could I do to help him, did he need some time out from work and every day life and also just talking about how unhappy he is all of the time.

I’ve now had enough. This has been happening for 3 years and it’s killing me. I don’t know how to get through the day. I’m heartbroken that he is so sad it breaks me to watch it. At the same time I’m angry - I’m so resentful of depression which I’ve grown to see as a selfish illness which means everything revolves around him all the time. Meanwhile I am slowly going insane. I’ve changed from such a positive person - I feel suffocated by the emotions I feel sometimes and I feel utterly trapped because nothing I say or do makes him feel any better and believe me I have tried so hard.

Just to add because I know this will be the first thing mentioned - he absolutely point blank refuses to get help after much begging from myself. He won’t take pills (a friend of his too antidepressants and his personality completely changed) and says he’s not the type of person that would benefit from therapy (even though he’s never tried this). Really don’t know what to do today....I have two wonderful children and everything else I’ve ever wanted in life but I’m just incredibly sad all the time because of this.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But others are right, there is only so much you can do. You have yourself and your children to think about too. You have asked him repeatedly for years to seek help and at a certain point he has to understand that if he doesn't seem help, then you may have to leave for the sake of you and your children.

DP became suicidal with depression last year. It was incredibly difficult for everyone but he did seek help, he knew that he owed it to his children as well as me and him to find something that worked for him. It's a huge ask and I am very proud of him for being brave enough to admit how he felt.

It's perfectly possible for him to be depressed and selfish, and it sounds as though that is where he is at. And so it is OK for you to tell him that you love him, that you and the children want to be with him, but for the sake of everyone you can't carry on like this until he seeks help.

If he had a broken leg that meant he couldn’t go and play with the kids, or couldn’t go to work, how would you feel if he said there was no way he was going to get help for it.
It’s a scenario you might want to put to him

I’m going to give him the ultimatum and also offer to go with him if that makes it easier but with or without me he has to go.

Very, very good idea.

I think he owes it to himself, you and his kids to try every avenue, if that means medication, therapy etc he should at least try it, don't feel like your abandoning him at all, abandoning him would be if you left whilst he was trying to get better, ie taking his meds, going to therapy etc. You've obviously tried very hard, and at the end of the day you still need to be happy yourself, maybe explain to him that your at the end of the line here and you will have to split . Big hugs x

I really feel for you. Being depressed is torture but so is living with someone with depression who won't/can't do anything about it. I think it's quite possible to genuinely have depression and be, to an extent, willfully selfish we all, ill or not, like to take the easy way out presently it's easier for your partner to not get treatment than to do something. At the moment your partner doesn't believe you will leave. In my experience and, I acknowledge it is only one person's experience, it wasn't until my genuinely depressed partner really believed I would go if he didn't get help that he did do something. But before he would believe it I had to believe it and reaching that point took time and heartache. Also in my experience attempting to express my feelings was counter productive as my depressed partner found that a burden and more evidence of how terrible everything was and I never felt acknowledged anyway. It was only when I got to the point expressing clearly that unless he got help I was leaving and meant it that anything shifted.

Thank you to everyone that’s replied. I think I knew before I posted that the right thing to do was to tell him to get help or I’d leave but it’s hard. When you’ve been with someone for over 10 years and have kids and most of the memories are joyously happy it’s hard to even contemplate leaving and there is every chance he will put me in the position where I have to. But I know that it’s the only way. Even if I end up leaving tonight I’m hoping he realises he needs to change and seeks help.

My biggest concern is I’m terrified leaving will push him over the edge and he’s going to do something terrible. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that yet as I want to be sure he won’t before I leave but I’m not sure how I can ever be 100%. We can’t keep going through this cycle though something has to persuade him to get help.

Lost - I have said that to him. He just said I don’t have understand. It’s quite a standard line for him because I can’t really come back from that as I’ve never been depressed myself.

Apricot - I think that’s exactly how my DH feels when I try to express my feelings.

I’m also hoping the threat that I’ll have to tell people (as me and the kids will need to stay with family I will have to explain the situation) might back him into a bit of a corner.

I would tell him you've had enough either you get help or am leaving. If he cares enough about your marriage he will go for treatment.

3 years to sort himself out and still nothing. It is his duty to get help yes support him as much as possible but there comes a time where you have to let go and not be his mum.

Perhaps even say I'm tired of listening about your depression if you won't do anything about it I don't want to hear anything about it.

If he does himself in then its nothing to do with you. Its his life and he takes responsibility for his actions. You cant have the thought of that stopping you.Also you can never be 100% sure what anyone could do.
I'd give him the numbers of all the crisis lines etc, so he knows where to turn to if needed.

You deserve to make the best of your time on this earth too OP. You can't sacrifice your life and your happiness at the alter of someone else's mental state. He is an individual too and ultimately responsible for himself.

I do sympathise and I'm not making light of it, but you need to put your children first and I think minimising their exposure to their dad's depression is the right thing.

OP... you are a Prisoner..... your mind and soul are trapped in a Prison designed by your Husbands unwillingness to seek help.... you are at the mercy of a Man who does not want to discuss any avenue of help... how is this fair on you .. how can you live like this.. how do your children live like this ..

Sadly by default... and not seeking any intervention.. you too will become depressed and will hide from the world...

you need to do something whether he likes it or not....

OP, I think it is very wrong to use getting treatment as an ultimatum. It gives him the message that if he does, you won't leave, which imprisoned you further, and anyway, therapy won't help if it isn't freely sought.

I think you should leave, and tell him he must get help, but don't link the two. It's blackmail, and there's enough of that from him to you.

I ha e been where you are and you have my every sympathy. What helped me was to put up boundaries. No more googling what help there is out there, no more spending your every waking hour worrying about his mental health and how to make it better. I built a life for me and the kids and emotionally distanced myself from him, sought support from my friends and family. I told myself (and him) that I would support him and I hoped he would seek help but ultimately his mental health was not my responsibility. This sounds very cold but I had to create boundaries, I was sinking. When he talked about his depression I told him I was not equipped to deal with it. I was his wife, not his therapist. I would listen but not try to fix it.

The result was after a while things got better. He sought help on his own and several years on we are in a good place. I didn't have a long term plan, luckily I didn't need one. I look back and recognise I wasn't helping when I was so immersed in his problems.

Not sure I have articulated myself very well but hopefully I have given an alternative perspective. for you, it's so hard.

By the way, I am not saying you shouldn't leave. That would have been my next step that wasn't an option for various reasons at that time and so my boundaries protected me. X

OP I'm sorry you're going through this and I can appreciate how hard it is.

My son has suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time, compounded by his father dying very unexpectedly and his birth mum being an abusive narcissist.

I love my son unconditionally - but that's what a parent should do. As a partner, your love SHOULD be conditional. And those conditions should be that he supports you and the family unit, and in the current circumstance that means reaching out for medical help.

That's not emotional blackmail - it's you setting reasonable boundaries for you and your DC.

I'm so so sorry you are in this situation, depression is a bastard illness. My brother has suffered from it in the last and it's hell. But he did get help/ reach out. In some ways he couldn't avoid having help as when it hit it was extreme and he wasn't functioning at all. But once the worse was past he committed to taking antidepressants regularly and saw a therapist and both helped. I think if he hadn't his partner would have found it so much harder to live with.
Have a look at CALM ( Campaign against living miserably) it's specifically aimed at men. www.thecalmzone.net
It helped our family a lot when my brother was going through difficult times.
I hope you can get through to your husband that help is out there and for all of you he needs to seek it out.

The problem is, if you don’t have an ultimatum and act on it because of the past and everything that you love about him? You’ll spend years in limbo.
This way you can force a resolution one way or the other. Burying your head in the sand won’t work. It destroyed us in the end. And I wish I had been more forceful early on about getting help

Spot on @MrsBertBibby

Brilliant post 🌟