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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where do I start

30 replies

Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 08:40

Where do I start, I should have left years ago, I too weak I think, I’ve always had suspicions he was up to no good but he’s always talked me round and I’ve tried too move on. Been together for 24 years and he is my best friend. I have no others apart from my sister. He has been found to be texting. Others multiple times but always denied it, I found evidence of it in 2012 this was to an old school friend on Facebook. Again said he had done nothing wrong. 2014I found he had emailed escorts on his phone, he said he never went through withit.
Last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling uneasy for some reason, I checked his car and found a old phone under the seat hidden with pictures on it he has sent and pictures of him with a woman having sex.dated 2009 2010 nothing more recent
He is devastated I found it and says he’s sorry and hasn’t done anything wrong since the escort emails , Why would he keep the phone?
I can’t believe this, I have told him I’m leaving but I still love thelying piece of crap

OP posts:
Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 08:48

I’m on way to doctors, and then the housing office
But I still feel sorry for him and deep down I don’t want to go What’s wrong with me

OP posts:
EyeRollChampion · 30/04/2018 09:32

Firstly, sympathies to you. What a horrible position he has put you in.

Secondly, I think you know what you'll be told on here. He doesn't respect you and you can't trust him. Of course you must leave him. Being told that doesn't make it any easier though, does it?

Why don't you have any friends?
Flowers to you.

Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 11:35

I don’t know why no friends just very isolated ,not used to meeting people, social anxiety.
I’ve now got some beta blockers from the doc
I know I have to leave but I have this overwhelming want to stay?..
Thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
EyeRollChampion · 30/04/2018 11:48

Ah, I hear you there. It's so hard meeting people with social anxiety and isolation has a way of reinforcing itself. Easy to become emotionally dependent on a partner in such circumstances.

I know you can't just turn your feelings off, especially after so many years but you DO deserve better and the pain and anxiety of living with an unfaithful partner is so draining.

Do you have children together?

AlpacaBag · 30/04/2018 11:52

Oh no, how awful. Sending lots of love. I agree with you, why does he still have the phone? What's your money/house/work situation - could HE leave? xx

Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 12:19

2 boys are19 and 22.
I would love to stay here but it’s a rented property and it’s about double what I can afford I’m afraid and the running costs are v high.
I only work part time, even on full time this house would be too expensive for me
I filled out a council application but god knows what that will offer me .
I have a small amount of savings But not a lot.
Emotionally dependent is what I must be ,I still feel like I need him , I’ve got no fight left in me
He says he doesn’t know why he kept the phone just did.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/04/2018 12:26

Op

This man is a lying cheating scumbag. He has hurt you time and again and is willing to take the chance so long as he gets his sexual kicks.

What you must stop doing is believing that he is going to change. He does not have the motivation for that.

If you really love this man and want to stay with him you may have to simply accept that he cheats on you from time to time. That’s not a position I’d recommend but it seems to be the way you are leaning.

You deserve better. But I’m afraid I don’t see a fairytale ending here!

Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 13:16

I know all what you say is true, I know he won’t change, he promises he hasn’t done anything this time , he looks gutted and genuinely sorry, oh god I’m feeling sorry for him now , this is so messed up

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Adora10 · 30/04/2018 13:45

He won't change OP so expect more revelations; he's a nasty dirty piece of work and the sooner you realise this and cut him out the happier you will be; you can't possibly keep turning a blind eye to what he's up to.

You feel sorry for him because you are probably in shock and in denial; you need him to go so you can process this; of course he's sorry, sorry you caught him this time.

Hidingtonothing · 30/04/2018 13:53

I'm not sure whether he's 'done anything this time' makes much difference tbh, it sounds like you've just had enough of being lied to and taken for a fool to me and finding the phone is the final straw. It's bloody hard when you finally realise they're not going to change and/or that you can't continue to live with the suspicion and uncertainty and it's bloody unfair that you have to face all this change and upheaval to be free of his lies.

Change is scary as hell but your sanity and self esteem are seriously at risk if you stay with him and the consequences of that are scarier still, remember that whenever you feel yourself softening towards him in the coming weeks and months. There's heaps of support on this board, use us to keep you strong if you don't have much support in rl, you can do this and you will be happier without him in the long run Flowers

systemlakeland · 30/04/2018 13:57

How awful for you, OP.

Thank goodness you have PROOF of his wrongdoing. Now you can move forward and leave. Too many women stay because they are not sure and get talked round (as you did before this find) and they live this kind of suspicious half-life, never really feeling secure. You don't have to do that any more at least.

It will be tough and if you are in the habit of feeling sorry for him, you need to change that. If you stick around, you will get all the support you need here.

Remember, however much he cries and wails, this broken relationship is his doing, not yours.

Flowers
Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 14:06

Oh thank you all I know your right, I just dont know how I’m going to get through it.
Maybe l should for a counsellor

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Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 14:15

I’ve asked him why and he just says he doesn’t know, I asked why he has stayed all these years as he obviously wasn’t happy if he was doing this and he said because he loves me?
I said if he loved me he wouldn’t have done it repeatedly , I warned him the last time and made him sign a contract that there would be no more chances.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 30/04/2018 14:15

See this as a new improved life for yourself, one where you put yourself out there and meet new people, you have been too reliant on him, a person that cheats on you and goes behind your back... you can do better than that surely.

Adora10 · 30/04/2018 14:16

Just saw your update, it's 100% clear he won't stop this behaviour; let him go away with his private mob and contact as many women as he likes, you really need to get angry now OP; stop feeling sorry for him, he's a sneaky lying git; he knows why he has another phone, so he can continue to disrespect you, that's why.

Hidingtonothing · 30/04/2018 14:26

You get through it one day at a time (one hour at a time if need be to start with) and you let your strength grow with every hour/day you manage to stay strong and not run back. You fill your time with stuff you enjoy and which make you feel good and you make plans for all the things you can do in the future without the worry and suspicion of what he might be up to spoiling things for you.

It sounds trite but do things like compiling a 'strong woman' playlist (you'll get lots of suggestions if you ask on here Smile) and lining up box sets to watch for distraction when you're tempted to call him. Make being alone into a positive, you can do what you like, watch what you like and all without worrying about where he is or what he's doing.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy, you'll have moments when you want to go back more than anything in the world, but it would be going back and you need to go forward because let's face it, the past (with him) was shit for you.

What about practicalities OP, can we help you with anything to do with housing/finances etc or do you feel you've got that covered? MN is great for emotional support but there's lots of practical advice too so don't be afraid to ask if there's anything you're struggling with. We're with you, you don't have to do this alone Flowers

Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 14:28

I know your right, I’m just waiting for the anger to kick in, I don’t really understand it as usually I would be furious, but perhaps it’s the final realisation he won’t ever change and I’m devastated by that

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Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 14:36

Money will be extremely tight but I seem to be eligible for some help according to a benefit calculator online.
I made an application to the council but the woman on the desk said 28 days processing, I said I needed an appointment with a housing officer ASAP , she said she’d add a note to my file, I’m currently hanging on the phone to get an appointment sorted

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 30/04/2018 14:41

Sounds like you're doing everything right OP, just remember we're here if you need us Flowers

Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 19:18

Well the steep learning curve begins, he’s just taken 40 mins to cook a 10min pizza, can’t use the oven! Bless Grin

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NotTheFordType · 30/04/2018 19:32

Sex worker here. The hidden phone is almost certainly a punting phone.

Depending on your area you're unlikely to be a priority for a HA property unless you're actually homeless. You'd be better off looking for a private rented that is within your budget (housing benefit should be an entitlement if you are only on PT hours.)

A visit to CAB might be a good starting place for you to discuss the various benefits you might be entitled to. (Just pray it's not a Universal Credit area.)

Don't forget he'll be required to pay child maintenance. If you look on the Entitled.To website there's a calculator there.

Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 19:46

Punting phone??

OP posts:
dlnex · 30/04/2018 19:49

Hi Sinking. my ex DH behaved in a very similar way. Always very sorry. I am quite private, and was very ashamed of his behaviour or that I put up with it, so told very few people the extent of visits to sex workers. Still have not told my own family, 7years post divorce/seperation. My life has been totally drama free since I left him. It's been bliss to be rid of the constant cycle of being let down again and again. The sooner you can find a place of your own, the better it will be.

Original poster
Sinkingagain · 30/04/2018 19:52

It’s just trying to find something in my price range that will accept universal credit in the first instance, until I can increase my hours at work

OP posts:
dlnex · 30/04/2018 20:02

is there seperate space for you in the house you have at the moment? Can you distance yourself physically or go somewhere in the evenings?