How to come back from long marriage rut?

[worried1254]

Kids have really ruined our relationship. 6 years in but the last 2 years have been particularly bad due to sleep deprivation, resentment (who has it easier/division of chores), no family help, no one-to-one time, no intimacy and so on.

Things have really just got so bad. Both of us are committed to marriage and feel unable to walk away whilst the children are young but I'm conscious this can't carry on indefinitely. We are parents / housemates rather than man/wife.

I wonder if things have gone too far? Can you repair a relationship once it's got to this stage? I cannot understand how people in long term relationships, with kids, manage to keep things alive! Any insight greatly appreciated.

I think it can be repaired, assuming you both want to get things back on track. Could marriage counselling be an option? It's meant to be good to resolve resentments as you get to talk through things in a calm way to an impartial person. You both get a chance to speak and can help seeing things from both sides. After a few years of things been tough you’ll need to build your trust up in each other, as in you it takes time to trust that things are better and you won’t revert back to old ways. I assume if things have been bad for a while that trying to sort things by yourselves hasn't worked so maybe involving a third party to mediate could help? Also seeking help might make you both feel more positive, because you’ll hopefully feel like you're both proactively doing something to improve things?

On a side note, I've had personal therapy for myself and its been great but it can feel like things are getting worse before they get better. You're taking about highly emotional matters and that can undettle things but it's part of the process and its just the initial untangling of emotions. Once things are untangle you feel better and can see ways of moving forward clearer.

It can get better. My marriage was particularly hard after having children and when our two were younger. Similar problems to what you've mentioned. I was ready to walk out on a number of occasions and I'm sure my OH was as well.

I can't say one thing in particular made it easier or better. Just as the kids got older, we got a bit more of time and independence back and things came naturally from that.

I've been through this and please please stick with it. Take a holiday away from the kids just the two of you and talk, and try and have a nice time. See what happens from there. Life is hard with young children but don't throw things in the bin you will regret it.

If things don't work out thereafter you can reasses your options.

A very reassuring thread so far. DP and have had to have some relationship talks recently. There’s just no time for us to have a real relationship. No family around, no babysitters, I’m a SAHM so not even time to meet up for lunch or commute together. We get an hour or so each night that we spend cleaning after the kids are all in bed. By then we’re both exhausted of course. I have nothing to talk about except who I saw in the park. DP misses me and who I used to be. I miss that too but there is simply no time for me right now. I feel the same about him.

I think when the kids are all at primary school and I’m working again things will be SO much better. They will have friends and play dates and sleep overs, and hopefully will no longer suffer from crippling separation anxiety (DTs only 19 months so fair enough).

We’ve made a decision just to be patient and be as nice to each other as we can. He bought me a rose, a book and a bottle of wine last week. It goes a long way to making things work.

@Iwasjustabouttosaythat it sounds like we're in the exact same situation - SAHM here too and don't feel I have time or energy for anything else above my 'job'. I climb into bed not long after the kids do as I have one early riser and previously poor sleeper which has meant I have 2 years of sleep to catch up on.

It's great you have decided to be nice. I'm struggling with that. I feel angry about certain things and he doesn't show any love towards me. I'd feel like he cared if he did some housework for example or let me have a second 'lie in' each week. I'm furious he has so much more sleep than me! I don't know how to let go of the anger and resentment. I don't know if I can.

@debs307 we can't go away unfortunately as we have nobody to have the kids, no grandparents or other family. We do get on a little better when we go on holiday with the kids but it's still the same - both knackered by the time 8pm rolls around and can't even muster up the energy to watch a film together. It really is quite unbelievable how bad things have got.

As I say we are both committed to keeping the family together so I hear you about waiting - we will undoubtedly wait another few years until the youngest is well settled in school but it's lonely and depressing in the meantime.

@Fatted was it not awkward/weird trying to come back to being a 'normal' couple after there being that distance and animosity between you for so long? I'm so intrigued as right now we have no intimacy at all, not simple hugs & kisses so although I'm prepared to keep on hanging in there I can't see how we can return to that...unless we get drunk together or something!!

@Aria2015 he is not open to any kind of counselling. Point blank refusal. I have tried a few different times on my own and really do not like it. Reluctant to keep trying that route.

You said you’re both committed, does that mean you’ve had a thorough discussion about how you’re feeling? I don’t think the working partner understands sometimes how utterly relentless being the SAHP is.

When we just had DS I grew incredibly resentful about things like sleep. I was up 5 times a night breastfeeding DS then I’d come down with mastitis again and DP just didn’t get how really hard it all was. I would tell him I needed sleep but he had that kind of mindset that I should just nap when DS does. Never mind if he decides to skip a nap that day and then every day for a week with massive tantrums.

Well, then I got pregnant with twins. That scared the living daylights out of DP and he shaped up fast. Thing is, even though he has been totally amazing since then, I still have this simmering resentment about how things were before. I really spelled it out to him though and he’s been great. He just didn’t understand that even the act of having a coffee alone in a cafe (like he does before work every day) would feel like a month long holiday to me. And then the time to just sit and read a book while commuting? Absolute heaven!

Have you really clearly spelled out to your DP how hard it is? I just don’t think you can understand until you’ve been there but a detailed description might help.

Tbh in my experience it's hard to repair if it's been like this for years. I chose to leave and although harder at first, life is so much better now worth considering separation if you're still struggling once you've tried again.

@WeepingButterfli how did you decide enough was enough? Did you both decide or was it your decision?

@Iwasjustabouttosaythat - we have talked many times. It always gets heated though. I think he goes on the defensive and will never ever admit that what I do is hard. I don't think he'll admit it or be frank because then it would mean he'd have to change or do more. The worst is over now but I can't let go of the resentment.

The attractions gone. Everything's gone 😢

The only way it is going to work is if you both stop expecting to be listened to and start actually listen to the other. At the moment, you are on a mission to prove to the other that you have it the hardest but neither of you is listening and therefore willing to show sympathy, compassion and a shoulder to cry on.

He probably doesn't appreciate the impact of your sleep deprivation and you probably don't appreciate how hard it is to go to work and show to be committed and dedicated when you feel so stressed all the time.

What you need to do is to start appreciating that his life is putting him under a lot of pressure and that you understand that this pressure is exhausting for him too. He needs to appreciate you need some sleep. So start listening to him and giving him some slack over the housework. You can pick when you do the housework, maybe on days your sleep hasn't been as bad. Similarly, he needs to agree to allow you to get at least one night a week when you can get at least 6 uninterrupted night.

Just as much you've fallen into the vicious circle of trying to prove to the other that you have it the hardest, the moment one take the first step to be nice to the other, you can gradually get out of the vicious circle as you both will start wanting to be nice back. Someone needs to make the first step though. Are you prepared to do so?

OP for me it was several years of feeling lonely in the relationship, my attempts to improve it didn't work and he didn't seem interested. There was a period we worked hard and started having what I thought was a great sex life but soon after he lost interest again. He wasn't really interested in couples counselling.

We argued intermittently and I realised that he would never love me properly again and he didn't really care about me, he was there because I was the mother of his children. He would have let it run for years as he wasn't the sort to throw out the mother of his children. I chose to move out and it was fairly amicable, though I was very upset.

Sorry that was a really long answer! Ultimately it was the realisation he wouldn't love me again though. Since leaving I've started a job I love and dating again, experiencing wonderful romance and love again for me keep trying to save that relationship over and over was soul destroying.

I am sort of in a similar place OP, and am still hoping we can make things work together. I hear you regarding the resentment though. My resentment levels, I think, are decreasing, partly just through the passage of time and general mellowing. So patience is a virtue here.

I do think many (most?) couples go through this to a greater or lesser extent and hats off to you both for being committed to keeping the family together, that’s a start as not all couples have this.

Although I recognise the feeling of wanting to do something, I have found most progress is made when I do things for myself to make me happier and try to just ignore/let go of DH shortcomings, and focus on his positives. Actually give the relationship a bit less headspace/take thepressure off trying to fix it. Not sure if this would be the case for everyone but it is very wearing thinking about it all the time.

We are by no means out of the woods so I shall watch this thread with interest. I would not rule out being in Weepings shoes in the future.

I am also particularly interested to know how couples start becoming intimate again as this has been absent for us for a couple of years

Book a long weekend at centerparcs. Book both kids in at the same time to the crèche/kids club. Best thing we ever did. You can then use those 3 hours to do couple things. Swim together, long childfree coffee...worth the money and much cheaper than divorce!

@WeepingButterfli Do you have DC? If so how did they react/feel about moving out of the family home or were they too young to understand?

Yes I've got two dc. One was too young to understand and the other was 3. I live just five minutes from my ex so they see him most days and they have always been quite proud of having two homes recently my older one (age 6 now) has been a bit upset that mummy and daddy aren't together, she kept drawing pictures of us holding hands but she seems pretty well adjusted overall. Id say that in my relationship they'd have suffered more if I'd stayed - I was starting to get quite depressed, especially as any efforts to rekindle turned out to be futile. They must have witnessed some arguments and general animosity between my ex and I too. Although they spend more time in clubs etc now due to me working more, overall I'm so much happier which I think is a benefit to them. My ex is still pretty grumpy though.

Oh god @WeepingButterfli it all sounds too familiar. The feeling that he doesn't care about me and I can't see him ever loving me properly again. I am just the mother of his children now. I think I'll suggest a proper talk and see what comes of that.

worried I hope it might be different for you maybe some good will come of talking with him and things could improve.

@namechangeranonymous I have gone through periods of just ignoring the whole problem and focusing on myself. In fact the last couple of months I've done just that...had my hair cut nicely, manicures, bought a few new clothes for spring / summer & so on. I've also been figuring out how I can get back to work next year.

But ultimately none of it makes any difference. DH has no nice comment to make about my hair & it made me realise he's never going to find me attractive again. The housework and childcare is relentless. We are both knackered.

Hope you work things out. I'm feeling really despondent today.

@worried1254 sorry to hear things are pretty bad, I’m not sure I’m in any better a place but am maybe slightly in denial about it all atm.

One question....do you feel like it’s reached rock bottom? Cos I think maybe I did a couple of months ago, and now it feels better again, tho like I say still a long way from where it needs to be. Sometimes it needs to reach rock bottom, to then either have the courage to leave, or to start improving things.

I feel a bit cross at the world that having kids, working and all that jazz makes it so difficult to nurture and hang on to a relationship

Is there anyway either of you can reduce working hours or hire a cleaner to lessen the stress somehow to see if that might make a difference?

@namechangeranonymous I feel cross too! It feels like it's already hit rock bottom several times and after a big row or discussion it has blown over then we return to plodding on separately through our lives. I'm so fed up. Another 5.30 wake up call today ... my body just wants to wake up when IT wants to! 😩