How to come back from long marriage rut?

[worried1254]

Kids have really ruined our relationship. 6 years in but the last 2 years have been particularly bad due to sleep deprivation, resentment (who has it easier/division of chores), no family help, no one-to-one time, no intimacy and so on.

Things have really just got so bad. Both of us are committed to marriage and feel unable to walk away whilst the children are young but I'm conscious this can't carry on indefinitely. We are parents / housemates rather than man/wife.

I wonder if things have gone too far? Can you repair a relationship once it's got to this stage? I cannot understand how people in long term relationships, with kids, manage to keep things alive! Any insight greatly appreciated.

Seriously OP get a babysitter once a week and book some relationship counselling. It can really help with the type of issues you’re describing

Does he love you op? You need to ask him directly, if he still loves you.

If the answer is yes, then you need to draw a line under all the stuff that has happened, you are both exhausted you did your best.

Sit down quietly (ask a neighbour to look after dc) and draw up a new contract. What he will do/be responsible for going forward and what you will do.

In that contract needs to be a daily kiss and a hug from each of you. In the contract is one compliment a day, no matter how small.

Ask him to put a shirt on, book a babysitter (yes you can leave the dc they will survive for one dinner without you) Book a taxi and go out for the night. Have some wine and make love to him afterwards. It will be daunting after so long, but a few wines should make it easier.

Unless you retrieve the closeness and intimacy you will continue to feel unloved.

Build in more time to rest. I don't have any family support either, but maybe you could use a nursery/trusted babysitter/neighbour more often to give you down time.

Even if in the long run it doesn't work you have done your best.

If the answer is no he does not love you, then it is time to consider time apart. He needs to be equally committed to making your marriage work.

There's a lot of talk here's about whether he loves you. But what about you, OP? Do you love him? I think you need to do some soul-searching yourself.

I once read a post on MN that described having children as throwing a hand granade in your relationship. That made me smile - it is pretty accurate! I used to have the most wonderful relationship with my husband and used to think no other couple loved each other like we did. 3 kids in, things look very different! At times I've felt so taken for granted, my feelings so ignored... it's been very hard. Then it's the lack of sexual interest, which made me feel repulsive - even though I know most people would describe me as quite attractive.

In my case, I think my husband was depressed for a long time, due to being in a job he hated. That, in addition to the relentless amount of work, etc, at home, made things pretty difficult. He gave up this job a while ago and he's a different person now. So we'll see.

We are currently trying to repair ours. There are similar issues. He has done less and less to be helpful and supportive and I had really just got used to doing things alone. In the end his presence was just grating and we were bringing one another no pleasure at all. It got to the point where I told him I wanted us to split up. I really meant it. He asked for a month to work on it and agreed that he would pick up the huge amount of slack he'd dropped on his end. I also committed not to be a martyr and actually to let things sit and need doing so he could do them. We hadn't had an active sex life in almost a year. One or two uncomfortable attempts during that time that didn't satisfy either party.

We are a month on and everything is far from perfect but it does seem to be improving. He IS doing more although I need to talk to him again about prioritising the things that benefit the whole house and not the jobs he prefers. We are spending more time together and talking more and last night we had sex for only the second time this year and it was good.

I'd still not rule out that this is a blip and we end up back down the hole but I am slightly hopeful.

I would say that it can only be fixed if you can both be honest, take criticism and both work to improve things. It isn't easy.

I will add that apart from the "do more stuff to help" thing. I also pointed out to my husband that he didn't touch me in any way at all for weeks and then would request a bonk. Needless to say I then didn't feel bonkish. I used to cuddle him but he'd push me away. He could see my point and has been really trying to add in more casual affection. It was very strained at first but it is really improving. We sat cuddled up on the sofa yesterday evening and it was nice!

@Pleasebeafleabite he won't go for relationship counselling. Babysitter we could do but I'm struggling to drop the resentment and feel like I'd sit in a pub or restaurant with a face on me. I just don't know how to let go. I'm knackered too and can barely muster up the energy to even socialise with my husband

I do know it would be the best thing to do. Got to start somewhere.

@elderflowerandrose very wise words elderflower! I've taken them on board.

@NigellaWannabe1 have things improved much for you? Interested to hear that you had a wonderful relationship pre kids and have struggled after. It really does take its toll. No friends ever mention relationship woes and all seem happy so I feel like it's just me.

@Cath2907 wow, a cuddle on the sofa? Unheard of here! You're doing well. Good luck!

The babysitter was for the counselling. But if he won’t go, go yourself and leave him with the dc.

How old are the DC? If both over 2 or so are you taking action to address the sleep issues, and “sharing the pain” of the night/early morning parenting? I didn’t and regretted it! Everything is harder with sleep deprivation.

If he’s refusing counselling and showing you no affection is he really committed to your relationship (as opposed to preferring to live with you to living apart from his DC some or most of the time)?

Counselling/regular childcare would be a lot cheaper than divorce and then running two households.

Are you both OK with you SAH? If not both 100% on board, seeking WOH might be good. Might be good in any case given the relationship issues - if you split up he still has his earning power, when at present you don’t.

If you do go to counselling, go to someone BACP qualified.

Further down the road. Things that helped; get a local teenager to help with dc if at all possible. Lessens the exhaustion even if you have to stay around. They can do the playing and running around while you relax a bit. Do something for yourself..gym bookclub one night at least so feel more human. Looking after youself lessens the resentment. Also means you are not always just there..predictable. Book counselling for yourself. At least it will help clarify your thoughts and give you space.
So mainly at the moment to start take two or three steps to look after yourself and l gaurantee that will help. You will be happier so can make better decisions.