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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband watching what I eat

28 replies

beachbaby18 · 29/04/2018 21:35

Yesterday we had a BBQ and my teenage DD had a friend over.
I’d been to the supermarket to get all the foods everyone likes and was really looking forward to sitting out in the sunshine with nice food and a glass of wine.
As it happens the mum of DD’s friend turned up early whilst we had just started eating so I offered her a glass of wine and picked at what I had on my plate as I was chatting to her.

After they left and whilst we were clearing away I commented to DH that I still felt hungry and was a bit embarrassed to sit there eating a full meal whilst the mum didn’t eat (she refused food as had her dinner in slow cooker).

DH turned to me and said ‘I saw you packing it away, you didn’t go short’ - and then listed what I had eaten (two slices of halloumi, a veggie sausage and Bread sticks with houmous).

I am a lot heavier than I used to be, probably half a stone overweight now, although I used to be over a stone lighter when we met, got married etc. I’m aware of my weight gain and know I don’t make good food choices but he makes me feel bad by subtle and not so subtle comments.

He’s very fit and due to me doing everything for the DC and dog, providing all of the childcare (he has youngest whilst I work on one morning at the weekend) he goes to the gym three times a week after work and has several keep fit hobbies which he swans off to.

Just feeling a bit low and fed up of him putting me down and wanted to share.

Need to lose weight but can’t find motivation and his monitoring is making me feel bad for eating so I’m sneaking food when he’s not looking!

OP posts:

Hairgician · 29/04/2018 21:41

Tell him to fuck off!! Cheeky fucker! that's all well him skipping off out several times a week to keep fit. Why can't you do same??
Join a couple of classes or get out to gym yourself. Why should you be landed with all childcare?? They are his weans too.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 29/04/2018 21:42

I know one way to lose stones op.
It's called divorce.

seventh · 29/04/2018 21:47

he goes to the gym three times a week after work and has several keep fit hobbies which he swans off to.

As he's so bothered about your eating, he can drop a couple of gym classes a week so that you can go along in his place. What a twat he is.

StaplesCorner · 29/04/2018 21:48

he can just fuck right off. Do you ever stand up for yourself and call him out on this behaviour OP?

idlikemoresleep · 29/04/2018 21:50

I gained so much weight after having my kids (around 4 stone) and it took me so long to do anything about it. I hated the way I looked but like you just couldn't find the motivation to do anything about it. Eventually I'd had enough, I'd been out with some friends (they're skinny/ fit... no kids!!) and they'd posted a picture of us all and I remember something in my head just said I need to stop and do something about it. It's got to come from somewhere inside though, my now ex husband used to drop hints/ make me feel self conscious about the weight (without meaning to, think he was just being a bloke!) but if anything that made it worse. Just made me feel sorry for myself and eat more to make myself feel better haha.
In the end I decided enough was enough. I halved portion sizes, cut out all processed/ added sugar from my diet and ate tons of fresh fruit and veggies. I began going for short runs on an evening once he was back from work and kids were settled and gradually increased the distance.
Over a period of a year I lost nearly 5 stone (went from a size 16/18 to a 10) and felt so much better for it.
My advice would be ignore your husband, he's probably in his own way trying to be helpful but if you're not happy with the way you are then try making little changes bit by bit. Add a little extra exercise into your day and gradually increase it (some days i'd just make myself run up and down stairs 10 times or something similar)
Make your portions slightly smaller, have an apple instead of a biscuit that kind of thing. I'm not going to lie, the first 2 or 3 weeks of trying to break bad habits were hard but once you get into it you start to make the right choices and feel good about it.
On the other hand, if you're happy the way you are, don't change on his account - eat the cake!! Xx

StaplesCorner · 29/04/2018 21:55

Wow. I can't believe you just typed all that idlikemore - the OP didn't ask for diet and exercise tips!! FFS so if she sorted herself out to her husband's requirements then it'd all be ok?!

Giraffey1 · 29/04/2018 21:55

That’s just rude. Packing it away!? He is being ridiculous, not to mention unkind. Did you say anything to him about the way he spoke to you?

idlikemoresleep · 29/04/2018 22:01

Erm staples

Did you actually read what I put? I said if she wasn't happy with herself then she could try making small changes....

I also said if she IS happy with herself then to ignore her husband and go eat cake

bananasplits50 · 29/04/2018 22:05

TBH I call out my OH about what he eats. He does pack it away and I find it infuriating. I can be cooking and he is in the fridge. He is quick to comment on my shape or my wine consumption. I keep fit and like to be in shape, I have 4 DC and work full time and have recently started exercising everyday at home as I wasn't happy with my weight gain. My OH doesn't do anything and happily packs away half a loaf for breakfast and picks all day and has more food during the night. You however sound like a busy mum and from what you described were not 'packing' it away at all. So your OH is being cruel... be careful that you don't start resorting to eating food to deal with your issue as you have described eating in secret....deal with him head on and don't let him make you unhappy about yourself.

Original poster

beachbaby18 · 29/04/2018 22:10

Feel quite ashamed of myself as I just said a pathetic ‘ I only had two breadsticks!’ He said something like ‘yeah but a mountain of olives’ I left it then as he always has the last word.

Thanks idlikemoresleep for diet/exercise advice, I am going to try to change the way I’m thinking.

Think the effects of my husbands behaviour towards me has me feeling a bit low so I reach for the chocolate 🙄

I’d tried going to an evening fitness class but got home, DH didn’t have youngest DC ready for bed, he hadn’t dished his own dinner up or eaten it as was waiting for me 😕 and I still had the dog to walk and put DC to sleep - it was just too much. It’s no good me asking him to do more as he says I’m telling him what to do and he can’t cope with that.

Tomorrow I’m going to get my head in a different place.....thanks for the support. I’m glad me thinking ‘what a knob’ wasn’t unjust!

OP posts:

idlikemoresleep · 29/04/2018 22:21

Oh no definitely not! He's being a nob! What you need is him to support and encourage you, not make you feel the way he is doing at the moment. Like I said my ex was a bit the same although I eventually told him how he was making me feel and he was very sorry, he'd never intended to be hurtful.

I hope you don't think I was trying to tell you what to do (and certainly not to please your husband as another poster misread it as 🙄) I could just relate to the way you are feeling as have been there myself

Do what's best for you, not him and all I was trying to say was that if you make small changes a little at a time then it doesn't seem like such a massive mountain to climb

Good luck and I hope you feel more positive in the morning :) x

idlikemoresleep · 29/04/2018 22:25

Oh and as for asking him to do more.... don't ask - just leave him to it!
In the situation you described I'd have said sorry babes, I'm busy tonight and gone to the class.
You're supposed to be equals, sounds like he needs a not-so-subtle reminder of that x

FlyingMonkeys · 29/04/2018 22:26

Draw up a timetable OP - his nights/slots for exercise, activities & yours. You are entitled to as much free time as he is, and frankly if he was sitting there like a plank when you got back from your class then tough! Tell him - tonight is "my x,y,z classes - I'll be back around whenever, sort yourself & the dcs out & trot the dog around the block, cheers!".

bluebell34567 · 29/04/2018 23:00

'he says I’m telling him what to do and he can’t cope with that.'
but he watches what you eat and make you uncomfortable.
tell him he has to do his bit at nights you will go for a run.

Shoxfordian · 30/04/2018 06:46

He's a knob
Don't take this sort of comment lightly in future. He's rude and it's not ok.

Smeddum · 30/04/2018 06:51

What is happening with all the women on here who accept being spoken to like shit? (Abuse aside, I’m well aware that’s different)

So many threads just now about how a DH/DP has spoken incredibly disrespectfully to the OP and it’s just accepted.

ScreamingValenta · 30/04/2018 06:56

The OP said she was looking for motivation to lose some weight - I thought idlikemoresleep's post was very helpful. No one is defending the OP's husband - the fact he is an idiot, and the OP's wanting to eat more healthily, aren't mutually exclusive.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/04/2018 06:56

He's a prick! How the hell does he get to talk to you like that? Time to sit him down and get him telt. He sounds selfish and lazy.

TheScandinavianWoman · 30/04/2018 07:12

Oh gosh OP you're half a stone overweight? That's nothing, tell him to fuck off. I could understand if you went from weighing 10 stone when you met to 30 stone, and even then if he dropped hints because he was worried about your health. But he's being a twat by watching what you eat when you've only gained half a stone since you met.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 30/04/2018 07:20

Good grief OP. Reading your posts sent a chill down my spine. I could have written them.

STBX went out every night exercising. Spent Sat and Sun cycling. No time for me or family but little digs at me.

He has now left me for his running partner as i "don't do anything except go horseriding once a week" - no because someone has to be here for the children!!

His exercise routine has been curbed a little as l now insist on EOW and half school holidays. Previously he used his leave for running/biking holidays. You can guess where l was....

Avasarala · 30/04/2018 07:24

You need to put your foot down about the way he speaks to you and about his parenting.

Do not accept him being a dick when he talks. There are ways to talk to someone about their weight without being a dick. Also, you're half a stone overweight- you could lose that in 4 weeks or so.... You're not obese, so he can shut his mouth.

And his parenting - don't just accept that he won't do anything. You need free time. You are both parents, that means you get as much free time as him. You need to start driving that point home - even if it means that for the first few nights, you leave a list or tell him what to do etc. If he starts complaining, then remind him what happened last time and remind him he is also a parent and he cannot just sit around waiting for you. If he hasn't done it when you get home, get yourself a cup of tea and sit down, then say "they were meant to be in bed hours ago, you'd better get that done".

If he cannot help with parenting then kick him out. Why would you stay in an abusive relationship whilst having to do all the work of a single parent.

BodgingThisMumThing · 30/04/2018 07:26

Half a stone overweight bloody hell hardly justifies comments. What a shit, can’t stand things like this.
I think you should call him out on it calmly, pack a bag and say “I’m off to burn those olives off look after the kids” and swan off to the gym. Preferably one with a spa

NameChange30 · 30/04/2018 07:33

What the fuck is wrong with eating loads of olives?! Seriously, no one ever got overweight by eating olives did they?!!!

There’s nothing wrong with what you ate at the BBQ. He is just finding excuses to put you down and make you feel shit about yourself.

I think you need to prioritise going out to an exercise class or the gym and let things fall apart at home. He should be looking after the DCs and the dog and feeding himself, and if it’s chaos then he sorts it out. He’s not doing it properly on purpose so that he keeps you where he wants you - at home doing everything like his slave while he swans around going to the gym and doing his hobbies.

Does he do anything on this list?
liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

RandomMess · 30/04/2018 08:19

Seriously you need to TELL him that due to HIS issue with your weight from now on 2 evenings per week he needs to do EVERYTHING so you can go to class!!

Write him a bl**dy list of what that means and stick to it! You need your self esteem back first

Original poster

beachbaby18 · 30/04/2018 12:52

AnotherEmma Thanks for the link - yes I can tick most of those x

Sad really- I’ve totally lost me and living with him is just one nightmare event to another!

Today I am being made to feel bad because I paid the VAT return for his business out of his business account and the PAYE and now he doesn’t have enough funds to pay his staff.
He’s been calling/messaging me all morning asking me what I’m going to do about it. I’ve chased all overdue accounts and rang the people owing his business asking for them to pay - did this all last week but it’s my fault.....nothing to do with him spending £4000 on unnecessary but flash equipment for the office.

The guilt he makes me feel lies heavy

OP posts:

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