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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner throwing things

28 replies

Nurse1980 · 29/04/2018 14:08

Hi

We are in the process of doing gradual retreat with our son to try and sort his none existing sleeping out.

Dad did it today as I’m doing it all week while he’s at work.

Anyway he was doing it today for a nap. Got him to sleep and my partner woke him up accidentally. I just commented that he had woke the baby up.

He totally lost it and while holding the baby and in front of our five year old daughter, he got hold of the arch of his baby bouncer and threw it across the room while swearing so it hit the wall. Both baby and daughter burst into tears. He is now blaming me as I said that he woke the baby up and that wound him up apparently. Nothing to do with our crying son.

Won’t apologise or take any responsibility.

Anyone else been here?

OP posts:
Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 14:12

No nurse and I’d tell him to get the fuck out.

We all lose our shit (me daily) but what he did was violent and aggressive. The fact he was holding his baby and his other child was there shows he lost control physically big time.

This is your bench mark of shit you are will to put up with, how much shit you are will to put your kids though.

Dont be a enabler.

TellyCushion · 29/04/2018 14:26

I think people can be at their worst when sleep training a baby. Only you know whether this is a pattern of behaviour or not.

Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 14:33

Oh dear! There will be an immediate outcry of LTB and to a certain point I agree that this behaviour is appalling and can indeed progress on to DV, and often does. However, there is absolutely nothing worse than sleep deprivation which is why it has been used as a form of torture.

I think you need to sit your DH down and explain to him (he must know this) how terrifying his actions were for his DC and you. This is not the way forward for inducing a calm environment in which to get your small DC to sleep. Tell him that this must be the first and very last time it happens or you will have to re-think your marriage status.

Is he or has he always been a great husband, supportive and caring before this incident or have there been signs that he has an uncontrollable temper prior to this?

I hope you and your DC are ok

Orlandointhewilderness · 29/04/2018 14:39

Completely agree with myLittle here.

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 29/04/2018 14:40

I told him to get out but he wouldn’t leave.
He still hasn’t apologised or seen any wrong doing.
He keeps blaming it on me which is one thing that I find worrying.
It isn’t sleep deprivation as he sleeps pretty well at night. We are tackling daytime sleep as he spends most of the afternoon and evening crying as over tired. Obviously I deal with it on my own during the week until 6pm as he is at work. So he’s certainly deals with it a lot less than I do!
The only other time he has done this is about ten years ago, we had a drunkard argument and he damaged a fence.

OP posts:
Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 15:11

Rather more worrying if not sleep deprivation. I would still insist that you sit down together and discuss this as this is dreadful behaviour in front of DC's.

Don't let him brush this off as trivial

TheScandinavianWoman · 29/04/2018 17:06

Sounds very familiar. He's thrown many things at me. Toys, cups, food items. No sleep deprivation there, that's just him being a twat. I'm leaving, not just because of this but a load of other stuff too.

Plantlover · 29/04/2018 17:11

My ex did this. It was part of his controlling tactics and DV.

justwishiwasnormal · 29/04/2018 19:33

My ex did this quite a lot. It was petrifying and reading this brought it all back. I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. Only you knows whether this was a one off or part of something more x

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 29/04/2018 22:07

Well he still hasn’t apologised and is acting like nothing has happened.
I’m just not even speaking to him now.

OP posts:
EdWinchester · 29/04/2018 22:10

Sorry, but I just could not be with someone unable to control their anger.

What an awful thing for children to witness.

It's simply not an acceptable way to behave.

cestlavielife · 29/04/2018 22:13

"you need to sit your DH down and explain to him (he must know this) how terrifying his actions were for his DC and you."

If he doesn't know and blames op then he thinks he is entitled to do this. Not good.

MilesHuntsWig · 29/04/2018 22:35

If he won’t even talk to you to discuss it that is not good. I know it’s huge hassle but can you go somewhere for support/to get away for a couple of days? Family/friends? Will highlight how that behaviour is a game changer and make him realise he can’t just pretend it didn’t happen...

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 30/04/2018 06:51

Hi, no can’t really go anywhere. Have three children age 5 and under and my eldest is in school. My parents house isn’t big enough and too far from school. I suggested he go but he won’t budge.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 30/04/2018 06:55

Call Women’s Aid OP. If you want him to go and he won’t, combined with his shitty behaviour, you need support.

If he’d flipped it and then apologised, or been distraught at how he’d scared the children I might think different. But he’s not, and he hasn’t.

Mylittleboopeep · 30/04/2018 08:14

How do you feel about him OP. How is your marriage normally apart from this outburst. Are you generally happy?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 30/04/2018 14:41

No he isn’t distraught and blamed it all on me.
We aren’t married or engaged. Been together almost 12 years. It’s normally fine and to be honest he is normally a good thoughtful man.

OP posts:
backsackcraic · 30/04/2018 14:46

You need to throw something....him out. Totally unacceptable overreaction from him! X

FaithEverPresent · 30/04/2018 14:48

This is worrying behaviour. Is the house in joint names?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/04/2018 14:51

How are things today? Sorry OP but I think you are minimising this.

What if looses his shit again and ends up throwing one of the children into a wall/forgets he's holding a baby not an object?

As for his refusing to leave, who's name is on the lease? Do you rent or own? If your name on the lease, you can call the police to get him out.

Totally unacceptable, dangerous and no idea how he thinks he can blame it on you!?

Adora10 · 30/04/2018 15:05

No way I'd pretend everything was ok, he's vile, he can't even apologise after traumatising his own kids; not sure how you go on with someone who is violent but refused to even accept it's wrong.

Cawfee · 30/04/2018 17:42

Whoa...not acceptable at all!

ChristmasFluff · 30/04/2018 18:09

No-one should have to explain adult behaviour to another adult - it's a pointless task - poeple KNOW when they do wrong, it's just a question of if they will admit it, and if they won't (because of having an abuser mentality), no amount of 'explanation' will make them.

This is already domestic violence, because throwing things is intimidation. And he is already doing what abusers do - blaming the other person for his own reaction. Insisting it isn't his fault.

Call Womens Aid.

PartTimeProcrastinator · 30/04/2018 18:30

You are not responsible for his actions and the fact that he thinks its OK to blame his violence on you is worrying.

Please talk to someone, try Womens aid. I guess it's about figuring out if this is the one off action of an otherwise supportive partner or if this is part of a bigger picture.

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 30/04/2018 22:05

We own the house and have a joint mortgage. Been very difficult to speak to him today as he’s been at work and the baby has only just gone to sleep after an evening of crying.
I have told him I want him to go but looks like he isn’t going anywhere. There is no point speaking to him again about his actions as it isn’t getting me anywhere and he won’t accept responsibly. It was my fault for winding him up so he says.
Going to tell him again when the baby has settled properly

OP posts:
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