Would you say I was a mistress/ow?

[evergreen7]

I have been called that (by someone on the EXs side) however I'm not sure if it's severe enough to warrant the label of "mistress" - that doesn't mean I don't feel bad for the way it happened.

Me and DP knew each other a few years before we became a couple, we both had quite strong feelings for each other (neither of us knew about) but due to many very complicated circumstances we both thought the other was "off limits" so we got on with our lives, I tried my best to let go of those feelings but they never seemed to fade like other crushes usually did over time.
Mine and DPs families would socialise with each other and one night at a family event we both had a few drinks, danced together and kissed. He had a girlfriend of 15months at that time who wasn't there.

The next day he went straight to the GFs house, apologised told her about it and ended things. She was obviously very angry with him and upset.
The day after he asked my DF(ather) for a drink and asked his permission to take me out on a date (he did it out of respect as due to families being close and a few other circumstances it was a bit of a delicate topic).

He then asked me out on a date and we've been together ever since (8 years and 2DCs now). He has always told me that he knew how he felt about me and what he wanted and he just regrets what happened with his ex as she was genuinely nice and he wishes he ended things earlier and more amicably and not the way it happened. But obviously he also thought there was no chance of anything happening between us due to the various complications.

However I have recently thought back to how one of the EXs family members called me a s**t and "his mistress" when we accidentally bumped into each other some time after it happened. It still makes me feel bad and sad and I wish things really happened differently but I don't know if I deserved to be called those things and just wanted to know what other people thought?

Me and DP love each other very much and we make each other happy, we both feel that we would have done things differently if we knew our feelings were mutual and I don't think we had an an affair, it was one kiss.

I am prepared to be told I am those things even though it makes me feel terrible even after all this time.
I just never asked anyones opinion on this before but it's always been at the back of my mind.

So he finished it with his girlfriend (not wife) within a few hours? That sounds fine to me, and I'm a divorcee who was cheated on.

I really don't think you were his mistress. And ending it a few hours after a kiss was the decent thing to do. If his feelings were that strong for you for ages before anything happened, is it possible his ex had guessed at his feelings for you, put 2+2 together and made 28 (ie assumed you and he had had a thing beforehand) and told her family her suspicions?

Or her family still feel bitter and find it difficult to be civil in public.

Well from the ex's point of view it sounds like her boyfriend had some kind of emotional connection/ feelings for another woman who she was then dumped for. She probably felt very betrayed and used having been cast aside so readily after a relationship of over a year. No you didn't have some awful affair but you can't expect her to not have had negative feelings about it. After 8 years and DC does it really matter?

Sorry meant to add that her family probably saw her being so upset and they likely all felt there was more to it than one kiss. They shouldn't have called you abusive names though and should have saved their anger for your partner who appeared to string his ex along whilst he really wanted to be with someone else.

No, I wouldn't call you the OW

What you describe sounds like normal "overlap"

Unless you and him had a lot of "emotional affair" stuff going on prior to the kiss ? Secret texts, woe is us "we are star crossed lovers" shit etc

I wouldn’t call you mistress or other woman; I guess his ex was hurt because of that emotional connection and felt that even when he was with her he had feelings for you.
After 8 years I doubt she cares though or thinks about it much.

Yes he finished it with her straight away.

She came across very uncommitted about the relationship (I've been told) up until the break up and then it was almost like a switch flipped and she tried to get him back and also involved members of her family to help her cause so DP had a few weeks of dealing with texts/phone calls from her and her family where he apologised/tried explaining etc and one night she even turned up at his house unannounced despite living nearly an hour away so she obviously felt very strongly but I obviously didn't expect her to just be ok with it, it must have been really hard on her. And I feel awful.

@AnyFucker no emotional affair stuff beforehand.

We only saw each other due to families socialising etc and only had friendly chats about general stuff etc no flirting or texting. I once did some work for his business where I had to work directly with him for a couple of days where we chatted over coffee (at break times) a couple of times and we found out we had quite a bit in common but again no flirting etc.

They were together 15 months. You have been together 8 years and had kids. And these words were said not long after he split with her?

Forget it.

Ok, gotcha

Of course you weren't a mistress/OW.

I'm concerned about why you'd even think that, and why it's playing on your mind now, 8 years later. Not normal.

I'm with PPs and reckon that the ex and her family assumed more was going on between you and now-DP for longer as you previously knew each other.

One kiss didn't make you a mistress. Obviously DP didnt cover himself in glory at the time of the kiss but he acted quickly to come clean and end things honestly.

Being dumped for someone else will never be fun and is a big kick to the ego hence the ex P was upset. However, I'd say 8 years is plenty of time to move on from a year-ish long relationship that didn't work out. You weren't part of some sordid affair and her family had no right shouting names at you.

He cheated on his ex with you as they were technically still together, however from the narrative you’ve given, you don’t deserve other woman status. You were the other woman insofar as the other woman he left his gf for.
I’m hoping she’s moved on and is perfectly happy, perhaps with someone who actually wants her! And you and dp are happily in love, it doesn’t matter ...

I really think you're overthinking it. I can see how it could maybe be construed as an emotional affair by the ex and her friends/family but at the end of the day I'd say a mistress is someone who is carrying out a sexual relationship with a man she knows is married. The fact that the two of you didn't have that sort of relationship to me excludes you from the mistress category. Now it could be that the ex believes that something was happening between you two during her relationship with your DH.

Either way does it really matter 8 years and 2 kids later?

Thanks for the replies. I suppose it doesn't matter it's just been at the back of my mind as I've never really discussed it with anyone (apart from DP).
Maybe some of you are right and she thought there was more to it than he told her...but then again if she believed he had a full blown affair I don't understand why she was so determined to get back together with him.

Maybe it's unusual for someone to kiss someone once then leave their current partner which is why people think there is more to it.

I don't think it ot is that unusual for a person to have one encounter with ith another and quickly end their primary relationship

It is the recommended route, no ?

Well obviously but many posts on here had me thinking it was rare. I suppose we see the downsides, not the correct behaviour as much.

No you did nothing wrong. He fell for someone else and immediately ended his relationship with his GF.

The family member who made the inappropriate comments obviously didn't have the full facts - or may just be the type to throw mud in support of their own. Don't give this a second thought.

He wasn’t married so you weren’t his mistress. You probably were the ow though. It’s obvious it caused a lot of hurt to the ex if after 8 years her friends are still commenting on it; I think you need to accept your part in this, accept you don’t regret it (I don’t think you do) and move on.

I know year

@DuchyDuke I never said I regretted what happened - it's what lead to me and DP building a life together and having our lovely DCs.
I do however feel bad for the way it happened and wish it could've happened differently/they weren't together when it did as I know I would not have liked to be in that position myself and it's not very nice to be in.

From her perspective (and her family) .. you were an OW. Not a mistress though.

They only know his side and didn't believe he left a 15 month relationship after one kiss. They would think it was going on longer.

If a pp said her BF was dumping her because he kissed another woman and had feelings for her... the general consensus would be that he's minimising and I don't think it would be wrong to say she'd been left because of an OW. ... basically she was left because your DP had a new love interest...and it was mutual....hence the OW label.

It's history. Leave it there.

The "overlap" lasted less than a day. He told her the truth and was contrite. They hadn't been together that long. No mutual children.

This is no big deal. It was disappointing for her I'm sure, but that can't be helped - relatiobships end sometimes, and that's life.

So let me get this straight, all the complicated reasons why neither of you could be together (despite having feelings for each other) disappeared after one kiss. If you were on the receiving end of that, would you believe it was innocent and above board as you say (even if true)?

Funny how you say she appeared uncommitted when she was the one unceremoniously dumped and her bf started going out with someone immediately. I’m sure H is a nice guy but his better treatment of you doesn’t change that fact he treated his Ex poorly.