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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does limerance ever die?

19 replies

YellowArdvark · 29/04/2018 06:03

Just interested in views really. Does it ever really die?

In my rational mind I don’t even like my LO as a person anymore for various reasons and the whole thing has been awful and drawn out - I was in the fog well over a year and only got out by going nc after much hurt and pain and wasted time. But after a chance encounter with him that resulted in us becoming friends again on sm (at his suggestion) I’m terrified of it coming back. Especially after he sent me some funny messages a few days later and it felt like the whole nc period of over 3 months hadn’t happened at all.

I’d be interested in stories - does this ever go away? Can you ever just be friends?

OP posts:

Archduke · 29/04/2018 06:32

eh? Limerance??

TeddyIsaHe · 29/04/2018 06:35

Yes it does. It took me 2 years to get out from under my ex, and it was sheer grit and determination and not allowing myself to think about him at all.

It can be done, but you have to want to. If you still harbour those feelings it will never pass.

Original poster

YellowArdvark · 29/04/2018 06:36

Here’s a thread about it Arch. It’s might sound like a crush but it’s really not.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2414204-Does-anyone-know-much-about-limerence-or-ever-experienced-it

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 29/04/2018 06:51

Sorry you're going through this.
3 months isn't enough no contact OP. Why risk it coming back. What would be the point of staying in contact through SM.

Archduke · 29/04/2018 06:55

Whoa, just googled . . . everyday's a school day.

Tough one OP, the article I read said the only cure lies in CBT, but I would say yes absolute NC AT ALL with exP.

whywhowhere · 29/04/2018 07:04

Similar op. My ex and I split nearly 20 years ago and it took me about 2 years to stop thinking about him and we went nc. Last year our paths crossed again and the feelings all rushed back immediately. We met up this week and last night when I should have been working I spent about 6 hours just looking up info about him and his work. He's not on much sm but he is very well known in his field so there's lots about him. I also found his wife's account and looked through their wedding pictures, it felt like a stab in the heart seeing them despite the fact they're over 15 years old and we split well before that. I can't get him out of my head and I know soon as he messages to say hi whenever that is I'll be the same. Not strong enough to cut him off again.

Lostforagoodname · 29/04/2018 07:11

Do not under any circumstances carry on contact with him
Trust me. I’ve been here and it will drag you back under quicker than a great white shark.
Block now.
Then you stand a chance of getting over it.

FinallyHere · 29/04/2018 07:38

Sorry you are going through this. friends again on sm (at his suggestion). Why do you suppose that he suggested this? Your only chance of getting away, out from under this is to stay no contact.

Do yourself a favour, not what he wants, stay nc

Original poster

YellowArdvark · 29/04/2018 07:40

Ok I’ll remove him from sm. I was really moving on before the chance encounter and still feel ok but am petrified of it all coming back

OP posts:

Original poster

YellowArdvark · 29/04/2018 07:41

Archduke what article did you read?

OP posts:

Archduke · 29/04/2018 07:57

Huff Post

I can't particularly recommend it over any others as that's all I read. States it's a form of OCD + Addiction

Direct effects:
Physical aching for the limerent object -- including aching in the chest area;
Intense longing;
Panic;
Obsessively thinking about the limerent object;
Focusing almost completely on the limerent object -- including getting in touch with the person, getting reciprocation from the person, thinking about the person, rehearsing what to do and say when you do meet the other person again.

Side Effects:
Neglecting health and exercise;
Neglecting social life, friends and family.

"You are experiencing a state of limerence when romantic intensity and infatuation rule your every waking moment. Your heart races when you are around them and you physically yearn for them when you are apart,"

Typeractive · 29/04/2018 08:00

It's taken me three years. The obsession has now subsided: I think about him fewer times a day and can disengage more easily when I do. I'm no longer infatuated, although I still fancy him like mad.

Good luck, OP. It will get better.

ivykaty44 · 29/04/2018 08:01

Block, he’s not good for you and this will stop you being able to move on

Typeractive · 29/04/2018 08:09

The things that helped me most were stopping drinking and getting a really involving voluntary job, which occupied my time and enabled me to meet some new friends. I cut drinking not because I was an alcoholic, but because the feelings of longing were much, much more powerful after a few.

Going NC just made me feel more crazy. I deluded myself that I had cut him off cruelly, destroyed what 'we' had and broken his heart. When we re-established contact, he rarely bothered talking to me, which helped me to realise that much of our relationship had been a fantasy of my creation.

Adversecamber22 · 29/04/2018 08:41

Three months is sweet FA in NC terms. My sister had a quite brief relationship when in her twenties. She has mentioned hima few times over the years.

After a relationship breakdown, so she was vulnerable she was considering moving back to our home town. Perchance she bumped in to this guy and became totally obsessed again. The gap between them having contact was 25 years.

After she told me about this chance meet up she confessed really how much he had been in her thoughts all those years.

I would suggest NC at all and write down all the bad things about him and if tempted take a look at them.

Thebluedog · 29/04/2018 08:45

Block block and block again. No saying bye, no last message, just block, no looking up, no online stalking, even try to stop yourself thinking about him, and did I mention block

Wadingthroughshit · 29/04/2018 08:58

OP it is awful. I’m going through it too. I don’t contact him but he occasionally contacts me, first about just sex, but then on Friday FaceTimed me because his son was home. Yesterday was stolen from me because I was so upset. NC is the ONLY way. Keep busy, work on yourself at night, for example, write down things you want, that you know about yourself, what you deserve in life. The pain hurts every fibre of your being. Go NC

Typeractive · 29/04/2018 09:00

I found that writing a list of my LO's bad qualities just made me feel petty and nasty, and my mind argued back saying, 'Yes, but he's also clever, funny, accomplished, handsome...' and so on...

What worked was writing out some very factual notes on how he'd actually treated me: all the things he'd chosen not to do for me and with me. If ever I'm tempted to contact him, I read my notes and the urge dissipates.

Original poster

YellowArdvark · 29/04/2018 09:06

That’s such good advice, especially typeractive

I’m just glad I read about limerance at all so I am under no illusion about love

OP posts:

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