really struggling after leaving

[Buckingfrolicks]

I'm not in a good way and could do with some encouraging words :( posted about 3 months ago under a different name about taking a break from family life. But now I just hurt so much I don't care who knows it's me, Bucking!

This will be long, sorry, but I don't want to drip feed.

I've lived with my DP for 22 years and we have twins aged 20 who returned home after a year away.

My relationship with DP has always been difficult. I like him enormously but find him very very irritating. He is a good man, but a people pleaser and quite indirect and private. He stopped having sex with me 15 years ago, despite repeated promises that he wanted to have sex, that he fancied me, loved me, etc etc, things reached separate bedrooms 10 years ago. He does not show affection physically - no spontaneous hugs or kisses for must be 10 years, won't sit next to me or cuddle me, won't hold my hand. When I ask, he will, but it's always uncomfortable you know like when a stranger hugs you how they stand to the side and minimise it? he's like that.

But he is kind, hard working, tolerant, devoted to our DCs, and has put up with me.

I have always been quite an angry and critical person, I've been taking anti depressants for 30 odd years, and years of therapy. When he stopped having sex with me, after years of talking/begging, I eventually had some casual affairs, as I thought my DP had agreed to this. He hadn't, but forgave me, and I have not done so for over 14 years now. I now have no interest in sex but miss hugs and intimacy.

I have been talking on and off for years with my DP about whether we should stay together and he was v keen that we did not only for the kids but also 'because he loved me'.

We get on - shared values, he makes me laugh, we have mutual interests and obviously a long, and despite it all, affectionate history. We had kind of arrived at 'old companionship' despite me being early 50s and him late 50s. It wasn't quite pipe and slippers territory but not far off. The deep contentment of the separate sofas and shared meals.

When the DCs returned unexpectedly things took a bad turn. I felt we were far too lax with them, my DP felt this was their home and they were entitled to live there with no expectations on them. Months pass and things worsen as I become very frustrated at not being 'heard' by my DP that I did not agree with how we were being towards our DC, and I become very angry at being labled as the baddie in the family - the unreasonable, emotional, over sensitive, angry, demanding, bitch, basically. What I felt inside was unheard, unvalued, unloved, unliked, by all my family.

I went on an anger management course which helped, but also which unearthed to me, my many unmet needs. I found a counsellor thank god she is great, but that has also unpicked some of the sellotape and string that has been holding our whole family relationship together.

So last week after another row, I walked out and have not been back.
Now I'm 'out', I feel terrible - guilty and ashamed, confused about whether to go back, because part of me wants to run back to this forgiving, safe man and not to damage the kids any further, and part of me wants to stay away for several months to see if I can grow up, and to give my DC's a period of calmness and stability without me there. But I'm scared to death that my DCs will not forgive me or will hate me forever. My DS said he hated me, about 3 months ago - 'any woman on the street would have been a better mother than you' - and that he would go NC with me as soon as he could. I have apologised with meaning, for my failures and flaws, but he does not care any more.

My DD used to be v close to me but now says she thinks me and my DP should never had had children together (probably right), and that while he has flaws too, mine are more overt more visible and more damaging. She says she loves me but is angry with me - this was even before I left. She has told me, kindly and lovingly, that she thinks I should live elsewhere for a few months.

I'm currently in a BnB feeling lonely and confused as fuck. But I am very lucky to be able to afford to rent a decent place for myself and will move into a flat in a few days/weeks.

Should I be paying my DP something towards his costs for the DCs?

Does it get better?

How did those of you have changed your family in such a big way, go from misery to contentment or even happiness? In the past my way of soothing myself from emotional pain was to find another man - but even I don't want any type of intimate relationship with a man, and things are complicated enough as they are.

Any advice?

Please don't kick me too much, I feel fucking terrible about everything I have ever done as a mother and a partner.

OP - first off - sorry you’ve had such an unhappy life with your partner.
And you should have left much, much earlier.
A man who stops having sex with you while you craved intimacy; and then dares to make you feel bad when you took it in your own hands...
And eventually leads you to lose any physical desires. That’s just so sad.

And your ‘children’ just sound so so spoiled. Really.

It’s hard now - but you really should try to make a life for yourself outside of the loveless back hole where you’ve lived for many years.

Get your own place. Re-connect with, or make new friends. Find hobbies. Date to find companionship.
And - if you meet a right man - even your libido might return. Who knows.

You ‘children’ aren’t children. You definitely shouldn’t pay anything for their ‘keep’. In fact - at 20 - they should be paying for food and logging.

One day - probably much later - when they grown up and have their own children - they’ll realise how wrong they are in treating you like that.

You just started your new life. It’s not too late to claim and find some happiness. And - it’s not with the ‘safe’ man on a separate sofa/bedroom.

Sometimes two people just should not be together, through no fault of either of them. He's not fulfilling your needs, and you're obviously not fulfilling his either. You're just not suited and maybe all of you will be happier apart. It doesn't have to be acrimonious. But no, you aren't liable to pay towards DC's costs. They're grown ups.

Thank you both. I'm sitting here crying my eyes raw.

It's so painful I just want it to stop

The comfort of strangers is very very kind thank you

Oh bucking, that all sounds so awful for you.
You might physically be on your own, but you have a future and a happy life ahead.

You stayed too long, but you can’t dwell on that, what’s done is done.
I’m sure you can rebuild things with your dc. Just take one step at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself with it all in one go.

Get the flat, get settled and calm, and hopefully you can slowly work on your relationship with them, I hate to say it, but they’ve clearly been damaged by the fallout of your marriage, and I don’t think your husband is an angel in this either.

Start putting your own happiness first, it’s great you’ve got a good therapist.

They are young, and they’ll look for the simplest answer, you were angry and lashing out. To them it’s black and white. As they grow older and see you as your own person they might understand that life is more complicated than that.
All else will follow

OP I remember your original post and I think that a few posters told you are taking far too much blame onto yourself. Your DCs from what I remember were happy to sponge off you and I absolutely don't think you should be contributing financially. I also remember that you were toying with the idea of travelling for a while. Is that still an option?

Your husband is facilitating them in what is frankly spilt, bullying behaviour. Maybe they will grow up and realise how badly they have behaved at some point, but your husband has no excuse.

You know what, I think this sounds like emotional abuse.

lost yes that was me.
Travelling feels like an escape, an avoidance really.

So I've proposed a 6 month rent on a flat in a nearby town, so I have space and location to see my family and try and build a better more balanced relationship.

My DP is not a bad man in any sense, he just needs to save people and help them and protect them. He's the opposite of malicious. But between his style and mine, we've together missed the "good parenting" space.

I think what wrecked me today was listening to my DD. Also I do blame myself a lot, for everything, and I'm going to look at stuff on self compassion and work on myself. I think I may trot off to the local Quaker meeting locally too.

I love MN and the incredible support people like you all offer to strangers. I feel calm enough to sleep, which an hour ago I did not imagine ever being possible.

Why doesn't your husband want to protect and save you then? You are just as important as anyone else in the family. I hope your share in the family home is protected.

Make sure you have covered the legalities before moving out. You are entitled to half of everything, so in your quest to get organised and moved out don't forget to protect your assets.

It is no wonder you feel so sad and angry.

There is no love in your life, and you have every right to go and live your life now and be hugged and kissed, and feel cared for and valued.

You have lost nothing by moving on, and whatever happens next will be an improvement on what is happening now.

I think you have come to a crossroads in your life.
Going forward what do you want to change before returning to the family home and if you don't go back on a practical note do you own half of the family home and what would happen if you wanted your half.

I think you have to take on board your DC are no longer DC and at some point they have to realise they can't sponge off you and treat you like shit because you have the power to take the roof from over their heads

I would also see this as a crossroads in your life.

And even though it’s hard being in a b&b and sorting out a new flat etc, once you get through the really tough times you’ll have a light at the end of the tunnel.

Just remember there is another life for you. And you’re far too kind about your husband. He has let you down and not supported you, just because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy, when actually that means he just doesn’t want to do anything that means he has to adjust in his little world.

Get some plans to go travelling. Do something you want to do. I’m sure your dc will come to understand in the long run. Keep your door open, don’t get angry anymore with them, don’t give them a stick to beat you with

I know this probably isn’t relative, but my mum was so very unhappy with my dad for years, she was angry all the time. We were very distant for years and I blamed her for a lot of things, she finally left and is now a different person. It doesn’t change what happened, but I can understand how unhappy she was. And we get on much better now.

Relevant! Not relative

I am sorry things are feeling so bleak for you. Your post is appearing as a Dickensian Ghost of Christmas Futures to me, but with reversed roles; me very like your husband and DP as you have described yourself in your relationship dynamic. I can see us drifting this way, despite trying so hard. I really hope you find a way to feel less misunderstood and on the outside, and shaping a future which better caters to your needs.
And let your husband sort out the DCs, they're adults, and may have his parenting style to thank for the fact that it is not obvious to them that a contribution would be in order.

I relate to you so much, op. I was you only more years down the line.
Sexless, cold, no intimacy marriage - promises that it was just temporary etc. It destroys you from the inside, you feel so hopeless when everything you do and say makes no difference.

I too left, the catalyst for me was when he had a massive health event and was rushed to Hosp. I ran myself ragged seeing his every need was met while he was in there recovering. Then on his return home as he walked in to the hall he stood as far away from me as possible and stretched towards me to kiss me - I don't think his lips touched mine, just barely brushed them. It was another nail in the coffin.

I've been divorced 18months now and life is so much better.
You're the victim of an insidious mental torture, op - please stop beating yourself up. You need time to heal and for the story to stop looping in your head.

Withdrawing, intimacy, and support isn't unique, there are plenty of articles about it online. But the the victims of this cruelty have this emotional turmoil and despair in common - it's a vile way to treat another human being never mind a partner.

It's well past time to look after you op.

You've unequivocally done the right thing.

We are behind you - make today the first day of YOUR life. Go out for a walk, get a coffee and read the pose or a new book. Maybe take a look in a few shops at things for your new home. How do you want your home to look?

You can do this - go ahead and grasp the life that's waiting for you

I remember your previous post, and I think it's great that you are getting your own place. It's difficult to disentangle what went wrong and if / where accountability should be placed. I think finally putting your needs first will really help, even if it's challenging to learn how to meet these without input from others. I'm glad you've got a great counsellor helping with that. It's a good base from which to build better relationships all round. Good luck

Just about the dc. Its a huge adjustment when they go away and then come back. They revert to young teen phase firing stuff everywhere and leaving chaos. None of that is your fault and you objecting to it is normal. I find today that 20 year olds are more immature than in our day so as they mature they will respond differently. Its important you don't blame them as no dc should bear the responsibility for their parents break up.
In my case l am far easier going with returned dc that my dh. He likes rules and orgnanising stuff but l prefer peace. It took some adjustment. I am saying all this to show that part is not unusual so don't beat yourself up.
Take time and find out what you really want from counselling. I found in my 50s counselling helped me deal with stuff l was carrying that had nothing to do with dh but went way back. Getting it out made me a new woman. Stick with the counselling and be kind to yourself.

MyNameIsNotSteven, my DP is very very kind to me, even now: he met me last night when I was beside myself in misery and comforted me, he wants me to go back, and lets me know that I am not exiled from the family, that it can always be my home, and he makes no promises, these days, that he knows he cannot keep. So in his way, he is looking after me, but like a loving brother.

elderflowerandrose, ah, we're not married, that was my stupid principles years ago! But in a way I'm glad because we're not fighting about 'stuff'; I have been financially independent for years and outearn him by quite a margin, so thank god I'm not facing all this in poverty. My heart truly goes out to women (and men) who have to start a new life with no money. When you wrote 'There is no love in your life, and you have every right to go and live your life now and be hugged and kissed, and feel cared for and valued' you made me cry, you have it bang on. Thank you.

Lostforagoodname you are right the DCs are damaged. Poor kids. I hate it. I wanted to be a great mum :( I am living not even one day at a time but one third of a day at a time - morning, afternoon, evening. Crawling through each section of the day to simply lie awake at night. I had to listen to the archers to get to sleep last night! I may be the only woman in Britain with sympathy for Shula Archer. Taking your counsel I have texted my DS today asking to meet, he has not responded, but I'm going to text him every week until he does! I've also been listening to some Tedtalks on self compassion to try and stop this endless self blame, because you are right, I keep saying to them all 'I'm sorry I'm so (emotional, sensitive, angry, intolerant etc)' so of course that has become the narrative : it's all mum's fault. Your words about your own DM were very painful but reassuring too - not least that she is a different and I infer, less angry, person now. I hope my own DD sticks with me even just at arms' length, I think she will, she is very very wise.

MMmomDD, you were the first to respond and your response meant so much to me, thank you. It wasn't a loveless black hole, there was affection and humour and a lot of shared pleasures, but I have been struggling for years to be happy, and I've always put that down to my being depressed and just an unhappy person. Which I have been, a lot. But I'm determined to grow up and find contentment in myself and with myself. I'm tired of being angry and unhappy - at least at the moment I'm just unhappy :)

Chinesecrested, thank you, it won't be acrimonious other than my DCs who are very angry with me, not for leaving but just for being me it feels like! My getting pregnant was a 'mistake' that my DP and I decided to see through and to co parent our child from separate houses (we were not living together at the time), then we found out it was twins and my world fell apart and I was too cowardly to face being alone with twins. So I moved in with him. I remember crying that day, as I drove to his house, I knew I was doing the wrong thing but I was so scared to be alone.

Oliversmumsarmy, it is indeed a crossroads. I know I have taken the right road even though it hurts so much, I just know it is for the best for us all. Thank you

AdultHumanFemale I hope you find a way to avoid this situation, I think the Christmas Carol message was that you can change the future! I wish I was easy going and able to say what I need without getting angry first to do so - perhaps your DH is similar in that? Wanting not to be angry but letting it build up until something appears to 'justify' being so? And you are right, it is my DP's style which has influenced our DC in taking for granted all the things they are given.

UsernameDeclined oh your understanding shows in every word! "you feel so hopeless when everything you do and say makes no difference" - yes yes yes, and then I get angry, and then blamed, then guilty and ashamed, then feel I don't deserve to be loved... it is horrendous mental torment and does indeed go round and round in my head. Thank you

MissKillstar I took your advice and spent this morning looking at furniture etc thinking about how I want my new flat to look. Hopefully I'll be able to move in next week, it's totally unfurnished so it's a clean slate. Your support means a great, great deal.

GreyCloudsToday I don't know why I posted under a different name, but I guess I just wasn't ready to admit it was 'me' if that makes sense. I've always leant on men, despite being a self proclaimed feminist and independent blah blah, the fact is, that I have felt totally terrified of being alone, and when I have lived alone, I've been miserable and lost, every time. This cannot go on.One thing from reading MN over the years is that it has really hugely changed my perception that it is possible to be happy alone - so many women share their experiences as they go from a truly terrible relationship, to finding inner strength and happiness, that I really want that for me too, now.

junebirthdaygirl I am trying to make sure both my DC know that I don't blame them, that this is not their fault, you are 100% right. And i do hope I can get to be a new woman in my 50s! I'm so glad counselling helped you look at and then drop that old baggage.

I can't get past your children questioning your decision to have them rather than abort them (because that's the implication of their criticisms). Honestly, unless your parenting has made them regret their existence that's the most ridiculous concept.

It amazes me that your children think YOU should be the one to leave! They are 20 now - they actually left home and returned, presumably because that's what suited them. It hasn't worked out, has it? Now the three of them are at home and your relationship is even worse.

They need to leave home again. You then need to sort out your relationship - it probably would be better for you to part. Then sell the house, each buy a house/flat and see what happens. You could rent yours out and travel, and he could be a martyr and have both children living with him. I bet once their standard of living goes down, they'll change their minds.

Things with my mum were very hard, but I understand how hard things were for her and I am so happy she is happy now. But living with her when she was angry was not good. But there is a future relationship for you all
Xx

I thought I'd update to say I'm now in my flat and remarkably cheerful all things considered!

My DD seems to friendly with me, I've texted my DS every Sunday and will do until he's old and grey, as it may take that long for him to come to terms with everything.

DO and I are getting couples counselling which is .., interesting if not world shatteringly useful, as he and I have talked through almost every aspect of our relationship over the last 20 years. I see DO midweek too and have been home for an hour or so a couple of times. It feels weird, but not too awful, and I have actually stopped crying!

I can honestly say I have not felt angry, contemptuous, hurt, defensive, since I left. I found myself singing aloud as I walked back to my lovely flat, in the sunshine, today.

There are still big issues mostly around our DS which cause me worry but in the main, I'm happy, and even when I'm not, I'm 100% certain I did and am doing the right thing.

I remember reading your other thread and have wondered what you decided to do in the end. I remember from the other post that your dp made you out to be the bad guy to the children and sounded like he resented you or was punishing you. You said that he would refuse to eat anything you cooked.

I think with distance you are remembering only his good bits and forgetting that he in some ways is responsible for the way your relationship has turned out with your children.

It's great to hear how well you're doing but please remember your dp has played a part in all this. By waiting hand and foot on the dcs and pandering to their every whim he has taught them to disrespect you. He has not supported you and this should be part of any therapy/counselling otherwise he will have got off lightly.

Wish you much happier in your new home.

Well done, lovely update and obviously a better way to live!