really struggling after leaving

[Buckingfrolicks]

I'm not in a good way and could do with some encouraging words :( posted about 3 months ago under a different name about taking a break from family life. But now I just hurt so much I don't care who knows it's me, Bucking!

This will be long, sorry, but I don't want to drip feed.

I've lived with my DP for 22 years and we have twins aged 20 who returned home after a year away.

My relationship with DP has always been difficult. I like him enormously but find him very very irritating. He is a good man, but a people pleaser and quite indirect and private. He stopped having sex with me 15 years ago, despite repeated promises that he wanted to have sex, that he fancied me, loved me, etc etc, things reached separate bedrooms 10 years ago. He does not show affection physically - no spontaneous hugs or kisses for must be 10 years, won't sit next to me or cuddle me, won't hold my hand. When I ask, he will, but it's always uncomfortable you know like when a stranger hugs you how they stand to the side and minimise it? he's like that.

But he is kind, hard working, tolerant, devoted to our DCs, and has put up with me.

I have always been quite an angry and critical person, I've been taking anti depressants for 30 odd years, and years of therapy. When he stopped having sex with me, after years of talking/begging, I eventually had some casual affairs, as I thought my DP had agreed to this. He hadn't, but forgave me, and I have not done so for over 14 years now. I now have no interest in sex but miss hugs and intimacy.

I have been talking on and off for years with my DP about whether we should stay together and he was v keen that we did not only for the kids but also 'because he loved me'.

We get on - shared values, he makes me laugh, we have mutual interests and obviously a long, and despite it all, affectionate history. We had kind of arrived at 'old companionship' despite me being early 50s and him late 50s. It wasn't quite pipe and slippers territory but not far off. The deep contentment of the separate sofas and shared meals.

When the DCs returned unexpectedly things took a bad turn. I felt we were far too lax with them, my DP felt this was their home and they were entitled to live there with no expectations on them. Months pass and things worsen as I become very frustrated at not being 'heard' by my DP that I did not agree with how we were being towards our DC, and I become very angry at being labled as the baddie in the family - the unreasonable, emotional, over sensitive, angry, demanding, bitch, basically. What I felt inside was unheard, unvalued, unloved, unliked, by all my family.

I went on an anger management course which helped, but also which unearthed to me, my many unmet needs. I found a counsellor thank god she is great, but that has also unpicked some of the sellotape and string that has been holding our whole family relationship together.

So last week after another row, I walked out and have not been back.
Now I'm 'out', I feel terrible - guilty and ashamed, confused about whether to go back, because part of me wants to run back to this forgiving, safe man and not to damage the kids any further, and part of me wants to stay away for several months to see if I can grow up, and to give my DC's a period of calmness and stability without me there. But I'm scared to death that my DCs will not forgive me or will hate me forever. My DS said he hated me, about 3 months ago - 'any woman on the street would have been a better mother than you' - and that he would go NC with me as soon as he could. I have apologised with meaning, for my failures and flaws, but he does not care any more.

My DD used to be v close to me but now says she thinks me and my DP should never had had children together (probably right), and that while he has flaws too, mine are more overt more visible and more damaging. She says she loves me but is angry with me - this was even before I left. She has told me, kindly and lovingly, that she thinks I should live elsewhere for a few months.

I'm currently in a BnB feeling lonely and confused as fuck. But I am very lucky to be able to afford to rent a decent place for myself and will move into a flat in a few days/weeks.

Should I be paying my DP something towards his costs for the DCs?

Does it get better?

How did those of you have changed your family in such a big way, go from misery to contentment or even happiness? In the past my way of soothing myself from emotional pain was to find another man - but even I don't want any type of intimate relationship with a man, and things are complicated enough as they are.

Any advice?

Please don't kick me too much, I feel fucking terrible about everything I have ever done as a mother and a partner.

Great update. Wishing the best for you

I'm glad things have taken an upturn for you, OP!
I hope they continue to improve.

It sounds, from just this thread, as though your DP was just to lazy to do anything else, really. He was comfortable and that was all that mattered to him. He didn't want to be strict parent, so he left it all to you. He didn't want sex with you but he didn't want to lose you either - so he let you stay because he liked to have you around.
So much of this is him him him. And it sounds like your DS is picking up on that and following in his footsteps a little - total failure to see the situation from anyone else's perspective, only how it affects HIM.

You have not been a shit parent. By trying to give your DC boundaries and teach them to respect people, you have done the right thing by them. They may never acknowledge it - but you still did the right thing.

Your DS is angry because you've made him uncomfortable. He doesn't like it so he's lashing out. Your exP doesn't lash out because he'd rather you came back and can at least see that lashing out at you is less likely to achieve that.

Be consistent with your DC, as you are being. And for heaven's sake, NO you don't need to give your exP any money towards the DC, they are TWENTY, they're adults! Let them pay their own way!

Your post makes me shudder - there are so many red flags for a nasty covert abuser in it. It makes me wonder if your ex has another life somewhere. He is withholding sex as a way to control you, plays good cop/bad cop and has turned your sons against you - these are all the red flag of a covert sociopath - he has a charming side, designed to disarm you and everyone around you, but really he is playing a long game. Read Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that - there's a free PDF online somewhere.

Your anger is a normal reaction to years of dismissal and putdowns and your needs being ignored.

Good luck and be very gentle with yourself .. you are right to look after you as no one is or will.

PS protect your finances straight away - go see a lawyer who understand people who use dirty tricks

OP womanformally has put it better than I could have. He is a covert abuser. A dangerous and charming man. Even you seem charmed by him and this is due to years of living with him. Counselling is not advised where there is abuse of any kind.

Please follow the advice given in the above post. Be very cautious with this man. Don't trust him an inch. He's trying to reel you back in bu saying it's your home etc. He wants you back because it's convenient for him

That's a great update OP.
Not sure how much couples counselling will help as there is nothing to rescue here.
You cannot continue to live like that and he cannot offer you what you need.
He's proved that for over 15 years.
The fact you aren't feeling angry now you are out says a lot about the environment you left.
This will do your MH so much good.

Completely out there but you might find some 'mindfulness' helpful.

You suffered massively for probably 20 years.
You sound stronger and ready to face the world.
I'm so pleased you are out and feeling more relaxed.
Enjoy your new found freedom.
You soooooo deserve it.