I need to make sure that my parents and brother never, ever get access to my daughter if DH and I die - how do I do this?

[blackburnsoldiers]

Long story short, I have only recently come to terms with the sexually abusive environment I grew up in and have been NC with my parents and my brother (also abusive) for a year now.

PIL are aware that we are estranged, but do not know why. PIL are named as guardians in our will should DH and I pass away.

But is there anything else that I can do to reinforce that my birth family are to have absolutely no contact with my DDs in the event that DH and I die?

I know it's unlikely, but I do still need to make provision for this. I absolutely cannot have my DD's exposed to these people and they are too young at the moment for me to be able to explain why. I have to make sure that they are safe.

You need to write a will. See a solicitor who can draft this for you. It isn't water tight but will help. If there are reasons (particularly safeguarding ones) then a solicitor can help you with the options.

Sorry, just read you have already done that. (Having a bad day) :-(

You also need to make your PIL as to your wishes, even if you don’t give full detail of why. That way they can keep your kids safe if you aren’t there to.

Maybe write a letter of wishes to go alongside the will outlining reasons why you don't want this.

Or even lodge a detailed letter with a solicitor and have a more general letter outlining that if your family ever push for contact they must open the second letter?

You probably should also consider having a 'later life letter' (as they are called in adoption circles) for your DD to open when a late teen explaining why you denied them contact. Otherwise your family may contact and say 'oh Blackburn was just being dramatic'.

I'm sorry you've had these experiences and completely see why you don't want your children to have any contact with your birth family.

If your PILs are the guardians, they need all the information; you can't expect them to keep your DC safe if you don't tell them why it's important not to have contact with your family. Have social services ever been involved, or is nothing known outside the family?

Obviously get professional advice but my initial thought is a sealed letter of wishes, lodged with your solicitors, kept with and referred to in the will, to be given to PILs if you and DH die explaining exactly why you are estranged from your birth family and why your DCs must never have contact with them. Assuming PILs accept the guardianship - and nothing in your OP suggests any issues with that - if they have the info they can then act on it. Not legally binding (technically) but your PILs would be legal guardians and I am sure would take that v seriously. Also avoids you having to have that discussion with PILs now.

I think the "later life letter" is a great idea. And the letter of wishes would work if you really can't face telling your PIL anything now (but it may come as an awful shock to them in circumstances when they're already grieving and off-balance: if you can face it it would be better to tell them something now).

Thanks all, this is really good advice and I'm taking it all on board.

Blackburn you could also set up a testamentary trust, which is a trust that comes into being if both of you die. Your assets can vest in this trust, with your DC's as beneficiaries. You can have your pils or tried friends as trustees. If you have assets that might motivate your parents tho go after the kids (you haven't mentioned this, I am just thinking out loud here) it is another layer of protection/obstacle along with the letter others have mentioned. Your parents would have to contest the will in court as it is going through probate and the letter would mean a lot of dirty laundry getting aired- may be enough to put them off contesting custody.
Another thing wood be tho sweet an affidavit about your childhood, and lodge it for reference in the event of your death. this would carry weight as well, but would mean you would have to talk through it all with a lawyer. Best of luck

would be to swear an affidavit darn phone.

Thanks Maggie.

They are financially very well off and we are not so I doubt that they would try to access our money but I hadn't considered the possibility so thank you for that.

My main concern is them accessing the DC, which I am sure they would try to do.

I was concerned for some time that they may try to go for court access to the DDs. However, they would be required to try mediation with us first.

I have told them I am prepared to go to mediation to discuss their abuse and neglect in my childhood (plus other issues, alcohol abuse, poor sexual boundaries while they were being sexually promiscuous). They have not taken me up on my offer of mediation, which I can prove that I made.

It seems clear that they don't want to go through any process through which their dirty laundry willl be aired.

I just need to make sure that a record of their dirty laundry exists in the event of DH and I dying.

I have some very close and trustworthy friends who know everything.

I'm so sorry you've had such a shit childhood. Have you considered going to the police?

Nefretforth, sorry I missed your earlier question.

No, social services have not been involved. Nothing was ever picked up about my childhood.

I have not made a police report and don't intend to (this comes from experience of reporting a historic offence that happened in adulthood - the attitude of the police has been appalling, I am not about to put myself through that again).

So sorry for all the crap in the past.
I am afraid that the only safe thing to do is tell your PIL.although they know you don’t have contact with your family, they would never imagine the reason. Heaven forbid, if you are dead and they are looking after the girls, you vile family may try to get access. PIL May feel sad that you died still estranged from you ‘loved ones’ and want to give the girls a chance to get to know mummy’s family. They would think they are righting a wrong(who knows what lies you family might tell) and doing what you would have wanted.
Once PIL know the real reason they won’t allow the girls to have any thing to do with them,
As soon as they are ready, teach your girls the PANTS rule to reduce your anxiety.

@Blackburn what an awful tone you have had . You are getting some good advice on here and hopefully can make things as watertight/difficult as possible for your parents in the (v unlikely) event that both you and DH die x

I am so sorry that your parents treated you in such a way, I can understand that you need to cover all corners so that your DD's are safe from abuse. Well done on breaking the cycle and hand hold for processing your childhood, it's a lot to go through x

Thank you for your support, I have had a lot of therapy and through that found the strength to finally confront them over these things.

In response I've had everything thrown at me - they've told extended family I'm mad (I'm not), that my therapist is a quack and not a real therapist (pure lies), that I've cut out friends and all of my family over this stuff.

It isn't true. The only people I've cut out are my parents, brother and an Aunt who said that because my brother "lacks capacity" (long term mental health issues, but he has a live in girlfriend and a job) he cannot be held accountable for anything he did for me.

The stupid thing is, they'd attempted all of this smearing of me, but I have lots of people who remember the past. I can prove it is true.

How they are justifying going down this denial route I do not know. But they are clearly as sick as they ever were and I have to make sure they don't have access to the DDs.

My mother still sends presents to the DDs through the post.

As far as I can see I'm dead to her, but she still seems to see herself as having some kind of relationship with the DDs outside of me. She would definitely, definitely attempt to swoop in if DH and I were no longer here.

Hi Blackburn

re your comments in quote marks:-
"I was concerned for some time that they may try to go for court access to the DDs. However, they would be required to try mediation with us first".

You are still not safe to do any form of mediation with them and also they would like use this as a further stick to beat you with. Also grandparents have no automatic rights of access to their grandchildren. The onus is very much on them to prove that a relationship with their grandchild is beneficial and that there is already a relationship (letters etc).

"I have told them I am prepared to go to mediation to discuss their abuse and neglect in my childhood (plus other issues, alcohol abuse, poor sexual boundaries while they were being sexually promiscuous)".

That was an error on your part and would achieve nothing but pain for you; you are still not safe to be at all around these people so mediation is a non starter. Like all abusive people they would use mediation as a tool to beat you further with and could also all too easily manipulate the mediator to boot. They were not good parents to you when you were growing up (a gross understatement) and they have not fundamentally altered since that time. I can see why you do not want to report them given what has gone on before but opinions have started to change in the police and views are more enlightened these days particularly post Jimmy Saville. I would give this therefore some more thought., you have rights and they should be in jail for their crimes. You should be heard and listened to.

"They have not taken me up on my offer of mediation, which I can prove that I made".

They have done you a real service here by not doing that, you have truly dodged a bullet there.

"It seems clear that they don't want to go through any process through which their dirty laundry willl be aired".

Correct. Such toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You know the truth and that is all you need. Employ the best legal advice you can afford to stop these people having any access to your children particularly in the unlikely event you as their parents died early. Consider telling your PILs exactly why there is no contact between your own parents and you; abuse like you've described as well thrives on secrecy and they need to know.

"My mother still sends presents to the DDs through the post."

What do you do with these?

I would hope you take these straight to the charity shop without any acknowledgement which is what such disordered of thinking people really do want. They want that because they know they have you then and will simply bother you even more. Your children certainly do not and must not be subjected to such emotional manipulations from your mother. Radio silence from you is necessary and must be maintained.

Thanks Attila,

I don't feel like I'm firefighting them anymore. It's over now, as far as I am concerned.

My point re: mediation was simply that they can't start court proceedings as they'd have to go through mediation first, which they won't do.

My experience of the police is recent (last three months) and not good. It's the luck of the draw, it really is. I'm not wasting more of my time on that.

I have a similar worry.

I have printed out emails, letters and screenshots of texts and got them in a file with a letter for my dc (when they are older) explaining our reasons for nc. If we die the person who is having them knows about this. When they are a bit older or if they ask any questions I intend to give them an age appropriate version. I want to do this before they are old enough for social media!!!

We have also told schools that they are not allowed access so they are blocked from school sites.

I am so sorry to read that your experience with the police was not good; It may be an idea to complain further but would completely understand if you were not up to doing that.

I have complained further, Attila, I have a complaint ongoing at the moment.

GOaway, sorry to hear your are in the same situation. It's crazy-making, isn't it?

I think the hardest thing is when others are curious about why you are nc. Water it down and people think you aren't trying hard enough, tell the truth and most people are too shocked to deal with it.

Mostly I just don't mention it, but if someone is genuinely interested/cares and I think they can handle the truth then I tell them.

These aren't my dirty secrets, no need for me to hang on to other people's secrets.