I feel like a mug.

[goingroundandround]

Basically, without writing a huge essay.
I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. Before this he was a proper party animal. Out all weekend drinking, getting into states, life and soul of the party.
Since we met he’s stopped going out. Entirely his choice. I encourage him to, but his mates (mid 30s) are into clubbing, spending £70 a night and rolling in at 3am and my partner isn’t interested. He’s suggested bowling and cinema etc but his mates (mostly still single) don’t want to do that.
When he’s invited out he doesn’t have the balls to say he doesn’t want to go, so he just ignores the invites. I’ve told him time and time again to give a reason to the others, but he hates letting ppl down so instead just ignores the invites.
This has led to his mates blaming me for him not going out.
For the past 6 years I’ve been slagged off, bad mouthed, and basically had vile things said about me, like I’m controlling, manipulative etc.
He was even told by them after proposing that he shouldn’t marry me.
He is very laid back and easy going and he won’t say anything back to his friends or stick up for me. Most of the comments are made between his mates and not directly to him, but I hear back through my best friend who is married to one of the nicer ones.
So last weekend 5 of them went out (one being my best friends husband) and as usual they’re all slagging me off. They then decided they’d do a mass “delete roundandround off of Facebook” so all 4 of them deleted me on the same night, bar my friends husband.
I just feel like a right mug as my partner doesn’t stick up for me as he doesn’t want to cause a row. In a way I want him to cut contact with them, but they’ve been friends for 15 years.
But on the other hand if he cut contact then would that make me look controlling and like they are right in what they think about me?
I’d like him to have the guts to stand up and stick up for me and his 2 kids, rather than just let the years of slagging off and games continue, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

Your so called "friend" shouldn't be telling you nasty things that they say. Repeating something nasty is as bad as saying it yourself. Think about it. Why would a friend say that knowing you'd be hurt.

Maybe she's making it up.

She’s not making it up. A couple of wives/girlfriends have said the same when I’ve asked. Plus they did all deleted me from Facebook in the same night!
It seems like they’ve got a picture in their heads about me that really isn’t true.
I’ve made such an effort inviting them to bbqs and arranging things, but they’re horrible in return!

I would stop caring what they thought and would expect my partner to put them in their place and cut contact because they sound vile and aren't really friends, just party animals with no maturity levels what so ever.

Focus on your relationship and tell you man exactly how you feel! Its not a matter of controlling. Think of it as a matter of respect!

Sorry typos...

My friends would absolutley tell me if someone was slagging me off. How is that just as bad?

This is what I think.
He should have more respect for me and his family to be putting up with it.
They are very immature. They still like to go out at 10pm and stand in clubs all night and try to pull. My partner says it’s boring standing around all night and he’s not interested.
Plus we’ve moved to a town 15 mins away from everyone else which means an extra taxi each way for just him and he can’t be arsed with it these days!

Are you honestly going to allow a few dickheads to mess with you mentally?

Next time you are all together confront them about it with your husband there and point out the facts.

Or just send a text to them all from dh's phone.

Or you could just ignore the twats who obviously have he mentality of 12 year olds and enjoy your life wig a man who would much rather spend time with you than go out with immature cockwombles.

It is really not that difficult, they are affecting you because you allow them too.

I just feel hurt that all the other wives and gfs are seen as “cool” and they think I’m controlling and stopping him from going out.
I don’t know why I’m such a target for them all.
It’s like a mass hatred of me.
I think it’s because my partner used to be easily led and pretty fun on nights out and they resent me for him stopping that.

Listen, some people are less assertive. Me I'd find that difficult, but I knew and cared for someone who was very like this.

What I'd do is message them all and tell them the truth. Tell them that he just sort of doesn't want to do that sort of thing anymore and what other nice things you do instead. Shock them a bit, make them see,your side.

But be really nice and encouraging about it, with the intended and hopes for outcome being the issue goes away and you carry on being friends for years. Life will happen to them. Don't lose them x but don't just let it be like this either, find a way to stand up for yourself where they don't get hurt.

Xxx

Well my partner said today to add them all back on fb and make them sweat? It’s just pathetic. I don’t want to play games. I want an easy life, but I want him sticking up for me.
We are in our bloody 30s for gods sake!
I’ve got bad anxiety and things like this go round and round in my head for weeks.

Personally I'd confront them myself, but the my dp would not put up with people speaking about me in that manner.

I want to confront them but I’m too much of a wimp!
And my partner just wants to stay out of it.

He doesn't want that lifestyle anymore he's in his 30s how hard is that for them to understand? Bloody idiots!

If my partners friends disrespected me in that way he wouldn't put up with it and delete them in return as a matter of principle.
OP you will get mixed reviews on this I'm sure of it. But you know whats happening is completely out of order and you need to put your foot down...

They need to be shown the door and make sure it hits them on the way out.
Make sure it comes from your partner and he is clear on how he feels. Stop caring about what they think and meet new people with a better attitude.

If you made a conscious decision not to talk to anybody in real life about this for the next 6 weeks - what do you think would happen?

If I didn’t talk to anyone in real life then I suppose it would just sizzle in the background like it has done for 6 years.
It causes arguments in our house and I really resent the fact that it’s them causing this.

Stop talking about it then and let it sizzle into the background.

Sounds like some or all of them are shit stirring and enjoying your predicament and getting a reaction out of you - 6 years is a long time!

I wouldn't want to associate with areholes like that tbh. What exactly would any of you loose not speaking to them again?

It’s just been going on for sssooo long.
I even confronted one of them (well his wife) and asked why her husband was the ring leader in slagging me off.
Basically she said it WAS me stopping him from going out, as why would he stop all of a sudden, as she lets her husband out and they’ve got kids the same age, and her husband still wants to go out and have fun.
She said we would both be better parents if we went out drinking once a month separately like her and her husband do.
Then we fell out and no longer talk!

I wouldn’t lose anything by not speaking to them. I’d be more than happy not too.
Just makes me mad that they can treat me that way, my partner says nothing, and that they still periodically invite him out and chat to him on a group WhatsApp page like nothings happened!

That would piss me off too immensely.

So you don't see them and now you sync even see them on Facebook. Job done. They're out of your life. Just move on.

But do you think my partner should just leave things be, or cut contact with them too, both online and in real life?

Your partners friends sound very immature. I would also feel hurt in this situation. Stop making any effort for these idiots, their his friends not yours (sounds like he can’t be bothered with them either), be patient and watch them change their tune in a couple of years when they all start settling down. or even better find some new friends who you both have more in common with. I wouldn’t be too hard on your partner, not everyone is comfortable with confrontations.

We do have lots of lovely friends, and you’re right, it’s the ones from the group who have settled down and had kids.
But the wives in those couples don’t get any aggro re their husbands not going out drinking.
I think it’s because their husbands say “no, I don’t fancy it, £70 is a lot of money and the kids will be up at 6am” rather than my partner who just ignores the invites.
He doesn’t do confrontation.
Even if work calls him re an overtime shift he will panic and not answer the phone because he finds it hard to tell people no.
But I think I just look like a mug because he’s condoning them treating me like this.
The 4 single ones have been single forever. Honestly they’re on every dating website going, are out on the pull every weekend and in 6 years I have NEVER known them to have a girlfriend, probably due to their horrible attitudes.

Says it all, they never will meet anyone the way they act (ugly). Glad you’ve got other friends who do support you. My OH isn’t confrontational either, and has also done the no reply thing with friends, the outcome was their not in his life anymore, when asked if he misses them he replied no they were annoying, but their still on his Facebook, a bit like all old school friends that we keep on Facebook but would never make the effort to meet up with again.

God why do they even care? There's clearly a big group of them so why are they still going on about it? I'd love to say just forget them and move on but it would upset me too. Id be tempted to message them all and say something like "thanks for deleting me on facebook, now I don't have to see all the drivel you post. Oh and by the way, I never stop bf going out, he just can't stand going out with you lot, soz"