Does she want me to leave ?

[leavingmyw]

Hi looking for general comments, opinions or advice if you see fit. I will try not to drip feed.

Married 15 years
2dc 12&7
I work FT
Wife is a SAHM - not looking for work.
Homeowner
No infidelity on either side - no flirtations etc
Early 40s (both)

Our marriage has become pretty stagnant the last couple of years (there have been some lovely times but very few and far between). She sleeps downstairs 100% of the time - i snore, we do have a nice spare which i offer to sleep in so she can sleep in the master but she stays on the sofa falling asleep to television. She does this even when I'm away on business so its not just me why she does this.

I don't share her interest in television (think ghost hunting shows and old episodes of last of the summer wine) So i spent a lot of evenings upstairs browsing the internet / reading / watching a film.

Our sex life is sporadic - can be very intense for a week then nothing for months - i give up instigating as consistent rejections are frustrating and i find myself generally happier without walking around feeling frustrated and frankly worthless.

She does not do anything much with her appearance , no make up perfume, outfits etc - Im probably as bad, so criticising there is probably unfair.

There is no affection. She like a kiss / goodnight / goodbye but it has no feeling to it, no hugs, no cheeky flirts its just... boring.

I resent that she doesn't try to find work, even before kids she only worked a few hours a week - she seems to have no drive

The house is only just being kept on top of - i do hoovering, tidying and some cooking. She is always moody if doing housework.

I blew up at her a few days ago saying im unhappy, she has remained moody - anytime i try to talk she just throws past rows in my face and storms off. Its impossible to have a rational conversation.

Im close to giving up. The thing is I'm devastated. I really wanted to be married for life but all i can see in our future is unhappiness/ frustration.

She is a good mum and if the worst happened I'm sure she would be amicable about shared parenting with the children - although thats another thing thats tearing at me - we are blessed with great kids clever funny and well adjusted - surely a split would muck up their lives ?

I don't think i could afford to rent a flat for myself and pay the mortgage / bills / food / car for her separately.

What can i do ? What would you do ?

My first thought is that she could be suffering from depression which has crept up on her over a long period of time.

Anyone, male or female, who refuses to pull their weight both domestically and financially is bad news and hugely disrespectful of the other partner. No one likes being in a one sided relationship, it's toxic and breeds resentment. I'd give her fair warning that unless she pulls her socks up, attempts to find work and adjusts her attitude, that she'll be out on her ear.

Ive seen her depressed many years ago this is different i think. - im not going to sling her out she is the mother of my kids. It would be me who left

You’re going to get flamed for mentioning her not making an effort with appearance and her tardy housekeeping.

mOvin, she won't be out on her ear will she? She is the primary parents with regard to childcare and they are married, she is likely to stay put until the youngest finishes full-time education. OP, has she always been like this or was there a time when she took more care with her appearance and was more enthusiastic? I must say I would be pretty fed up just doing housework, the school run and watching television. Do you get a babysitter or do the children go to friends / relatives so you can go out or away? What have you said to her about going back to work?

What does she say about all this?

Unless there's a lot more backstory, I'd also be a bit fed up if DH was not either working or running a Martha Stewart style household by the time our kids are that age, and it sounds like she is unhappy too.

However, if can't have started out this way, and it sounds like you want to try together, and she doesn't want to split - could you try relationship counselling? Even if she really won't go, Relate will take you by yourself.

And this is one you'd need to approach gently with her but are you SURE she couldn't be depressed? Her life sounds a bit miserable for sure, the intense then sporadic sex life also seems a bit odd. What is she filling her days with when the kids are at school and you at work?

I think you have to talk to her. It sounds like your relationship is stale atm, but you need to find out how she is feeling and both decide whether it's something you want to work on or whether you think it's best to separate. Staying unhappily together is good for neither of you but if you talk and tell her you're unhappy (without making it an argument if possible), but also say what you said here about feeling devestated, maybe between you, you can come up with ways to make things better.

My personal opinion is never stay in an unhappy marriage/relationship for the sake of the children. That's just based on my own childhood. My parents stayed together for far too long and we all suffered for it. Children pick up on things.

But also of course, you shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children because your feelings matter too! Sorry I should have said that in my post.

Is there anything that u both used to do, however small, together? Walks in the park? Cinema? Museums etc? You could try getting the spark back that way by spending enjoyable time together.

Is there any hobbies or classes u would both like?

Usually once u get the enjoyable moments back the rest is easy to discuss or falls into place naturally.

It just sounds like ur both in a rut or slump, with a bit of effort I'm sure u both can get back on track.

Why don’t you try and charm her as if you were single? Take her out somewhere . Not once but every week / month whatever you can afford and arrange. Show her that you care and still find her attractive (but not in a I-just-want-to-shag-you-way)

Have you tried to do anything about the snoring, like going to your GP?
Why do you go upstairs when you use the internet or read - couldn't you sit in the same room doing different things? It's odd to remove yourselves from each other all the time.

I probably should make more of an effort to take her out but to be fair she doesn't seem bothered.

I was depressed last year and had counselling , which helped me i think. She didn't seem to care and didn't much ask me about it. Thats the whole thing she just doesn't seem to care.

She used to be quite sweet and funny.

I came back from a 3 day work trip and she didn't even get off the sofa to greet me the kids came running out and were thrilled bit she just starred at the TV

What does she say about it all?

Very little. Avoids the subject

Sounds like she doesn’t care much if your there or not.
I guess lots of people live like this.
How she reacted when you were going through something hard speaks volumes.

Often someone doesn’t want to talk about it, because they just don’t want to acknowledge it all. They’d rather bury their heads in the sand.

You need to get yourself to counselling ASAP. And if she doesn’t want to go, it says a lot

What about a weekend/ night away to a place of her choice ?

When did she start sleeping on the sofa? I would hate to sleep on a sofa. When you used to share a room, did you ever actually get up and go into the spare room if you were disturbing her?

About 4-5 years ago ! She actually started when i was away a lot with work, she liked falling asleep to the TV - i cant sleep with a TV on. I don't always snore i just put it out there as a contributing thing. I would hate to sleep on the sofa too - like i said theres a spare room with a bed and id sleep in there if she wanted to sleep in bed without me.
She still sleeps on the sofa when I'm away for the night - the kids tell me.

Her mum always slept on the sofa and she was single even though she had a bedroom. Strange isnt it.

I think your marriage is over, it's just that neither of you want to actually say it.

I really hope not.

I have to say I agree that it sounds like it’s on the edge and tipping over into being over.
You need to talk, and you need to talk openly without conflict in a safe environment.
Denying it all (not you) doesn’t work long term

Gosh 'Leavingmyw', reading your post shocked me as I cannot believe how similar our situations are. I should add we are now living apart.

Please don't think I am suggesting (as some have) that your marriage is over, or indeed that your wife has the problem my husband has but her behaviour is absolutely identical to his.

We have been married for 18 years with 2 DC's 12 and 14. He had no interest in anything I said or did. He'd slept on the sofa for 3 years at least. His excuse being he thought he disturbed me. If I was away he still slept there. I went for an MRI scan for a medical concern (not a serious health scare) but even so he never asked the results. He'd lost interest in his appearance, lost interest in our garden etc. I'd come home and he'd be sitting down not having bothered to clear up and he was so irritable if I tried to talk to him. He was still working as usual but he'd just lost interest in everything and would encourage me to go to bed so he could be alone.

It has transpired that he has a very serious gambling problem, serious enough that I can never forgive his absolute recklessness. Not suggesting your wife is a gambling addict for one second but is there something else you can think of that you hadn't considered?

For me this is over. And that's ok you know. If you can talk about it..... i would say mediation is the next step. The problem is likely to be the fact that she will really have to work. Spousal maintenance is rare and in your shoes I think it would be an error to go down that route.

So house needs to be sold to pay for 2 homes or she needs to take over the mortgage with her new job.

Just admit it's over. Then look at how to go about splitting.

We had a chat. We both Acknowledged drifting apart, we both admitted not making enough effort, we both admitted its been rough on both of us. She was quite communicative which was really great from my point of view.

Its early days but we have both got a lot to work on, i think relate might be an option, i haven't bought that up yet and I'm not sure if she would go for it. - I would be interested to hear your experiences.

Im not ready to give up on this just yet.

Thanks for all your input, i read all posts. Maybe ill let you know how it turns out.