Does she want me to leave ?

[leavingmyw]

Hi looking for general comments, opinions or advice if you see fit. I will try not to drip feed.

Married 15 years
2dc 12&7
I work FT
Wife is a SAHM - not looking for work.
Homeowner
No infidelity on either side - no flirtations etc
Early 40s (both)

Our marriage has become pretty stagnant the last couple of years (there have been some lovely times but very few and far between). She sleeps downstairs 100% of the time - i snore, we do have a nice spare which i offer to sleep in so she can sleep in the master but she stays on the sofa falling asleep to television. She does this even when I'm away on business so its not just me why she does this.

I don't share her interest in television (think ghost hunting shows and old episodes of last of the summer wine) So i spent a lot of evenings upstairs browsing the internet / reading / watching a film.

Our sex life is sporadic - can be very intense for a week then nothing for months - i give up instigating as consistent rejections are frustrating and i find myself generally happier without walking around feeling frustrated and frankly worthless.

She does not do anything much with her appearance , no make up perfume, outfits etc - Im probably as bad, so criticising there is probably unfair.

There is no affection. She like a kiss / goodnight / goodbye but it has no feeling to it, no hugs, no cheeky flirts its just... boring.

I resent that she doesn't try to find work, even before kids she only worked a few hours a week - she seems to have no drive

The house is only just being kept on top of - i do hoovering, tidying and some cooking. She is always moody if doing housework.

I blew up at her a few days ago saying im unhappy, she has remained moody - anytime i try to talk she just throws past rows in my face and storms off. Its impossible to have a rational conversation.

Im close to giving up. The thing is I'm devastated. I really wanted to be married for life but all i can see in our future is unhappiness/ frustration.

She is a good mum and if the worst happened I'm sure she would be amicable about shared parenting with the children - although thats another thing thats tearing at me - we are blessed with great kids clever funny and well adjusted - surely a split would muck up their lives ?

I don't think i could afford to rent a flat for myself and pay the mortgage / bills / food / car for her separately.

What can i do ? What would you do ?

I know several couples who had success at Relate. If both of you want to make it work then it is entirely possible to reconnect and they will help you to do that. I should look into that and encourage her gently back to work - she sounds bored to tears too, new responsibilities and friendships, something to talk about, contributing financially, all good side effects of working imo.

Why doesn't she get a job?

Your kids are in school now.

I honestly don't understand this total financial dependency as a fully functioning adult.

If the kids are preschool...that's fine...childcare costs are expensive.... but why does anyone think they should not earn and financially contribute to the home. It's just laziness.

The cost of divorce in these marriages is what keeps some unhappy men from divorcing....and they start to stray.

It sounds like you're doing far more than your fair share, if resent if my spouse did so little. She's not showing respect for you by treating you like this. I wish you luck with counselling, but don't avoid divorce at all costs, you deserve to be happy and not taken advantage of. It doesn't need to have a big effect on the kids, it's a change but not necessarily more harmful than living with unhappy parents.