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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law!

29 replies

Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 13:50

Hello ladies, I’m hoping you can help me. My elder son gets married next month and I believe I have a pretty good relationship at present with my future daughter in law. We have lots of fun together as a family when I see her and my son and she makes my son very happy; which is very important to me. I have done my best over the years they have been together to build my relationship with her both alongside and separate to that which I have with my son. I make a point of always greeting her first whenever I see them and I keep in contact with her separately (although not incessantly). I have stood back from the wedding planning apart from when asked for my opinion although I have taken an interest and have made a substantial financial contribution.
I’m aware that the mother in law / daughter in law relationship can be difficult but my husband’s mother died when he was a very little boy so I have never experienced it from the daughter in law’s perspective and I don’t have any daughters myself. Any advice you may have on how to be a good mother in law would be most gratefully received, I really don’t want to get this wrong.
Thank you. :-)

OP posts:
Littlelambpeep · 28/04/2018 13:52

You sound absolutely lovely - I don't think you have anything to worry about
Please remember lots of people have wonderful relationships with their mother in laws

Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 13:59

Thank you Littlelambpeep, I just think there may be something I haven’t thought of.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2018 14:06

Keep doing what you have been doing to date, you are doing just fine as you are because you also have insight and empathy. You are also mindful of boundaries which is very important too.

BeyondThePage · 28/04/2018 14:08

I think you need to be wary of overthinking things - it can seem staged and stilted when people go into every meeting thinking of the other person too much - a bit too much like a "game".

My MIL and I have a good relationship - that DOES NOT mean treading on eggshells round each other - we have arguments - we are family.

Aminuts23 · 28/04/2018 14:08

You sound like a perfect mother in law. If it helps I can tell you where my ex MIL went totally wrong so you can avoid this maybe.

  1. She made us feel we had to include her in absolutely everything and would make plans for our precious weekend time without consulting us. She would sulk / guilt trip us if we refused. Be available for them, make plans for regular nice things to do but try not to monopolise their free time.
  1. She expected every occasion to revolve around her. This meant that for 7 years I could not spend Xmas, Mother’s day, my birthday, ex’s birthday etc with my family for fear of huge upset. Try to remember she has a family too that she will want to spend time with.
  1. She was critical and dismissive of everything we achieved or alternatively bragged that we wouldn’t have been able to do whatever it was if it were not for her help (untrue btw). Be supportive, provide help when requested, offer help and support but step back if they want to go it alone.

Be someone your DIL can confide in without judgement. You sound really nice. I wish I’d had a better relationship with my ex MIL but she wanted to dominate every aspect of our lives. She was a tad extreme though Wink

TheKimJongUnofFeminism · 28/04/2018 14:10

Honestly? Don't read any thread on Mumsnet about Mils. JuSt be nice and kind and friendly. But remember that you are unlikely to be best buddies with someone with whom you might well have nothing in common with except your son. Aim for cordiality. Anything more is a bonus.

babydreamer1 · 28/04/2018 14:13

My MIL is amazing, mainly because we are just ourselves around each other! You sound lovely so just be yourself!

Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 14:16

Aminuts23, that was jolly helpful; thank you.

OP posts:
Moominfan · 28/04/2018 14:16

Im abit envious to be honest would love such a thoughtful mil

Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 14:19

Thank you Attila The Meerkat, ‘boundaries’. I shall imprint on my brain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 14:21

Thank you BeyondThePage, I love that you feel like your MIL is family; that’s what I hope for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 14:23

Hi Moominfan, I have another son. ;-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 14:26

Thank you TheKimJongUnofFeminism,
I think my son would really appreciate it if we could have a more close and warm relationship and I very much would want that. We do in fact share interests and values but I get your basic point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 14:33

Thank you babydreamer1.

OP posts:
bananasandwicheseveryday · 28/04/2018 14:42

My MIL decided from the outset that I would never be good enough to marry her son. And spent about 30 years comparing me to her other DILs and on every score, I am found wanting. She has done the same with our dcs. Despite their (genuinely) wonderful achievements, they will never compare favourably to DH's nieces and nephews.
So, I make sure I treat both DILs with equal love but do not expect them to be carbon copies of each other - why would they be, my dcs are very different so it's only right that their partners would be. I treat my DILs as independent women, not mere extensions of my dcs. I treat them as adults, not children. Our first grandchild is due in the the next few weeks - I am making sure to ask DIL and DS what they want, what current recommendations wet to babies etc. And I will honour their wishes. I know I will make mistakes, but I do know that when they occur, we will be able to discuss, apologise and move on.

Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 14:49

Oh bananasandwicheseveryday, I’m so sad for you. I guess the positive you can draw from your sorry experience with your own MIL is that you know how to be a good one yourself. It’s comforting to hear that you expect to make mistakes; maybe I should not expect to be perfect.

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 28/04/2018 18:00

The real test I think comes when grandchildren come along. DIL might have very different parenting ideas to you.

We get on very well with our respective inlaws, in part becasue they live miles away and cant just ‘pop’ by 😊 and they dont interfere! But sounds like you are not that kind of person so be yourself and all will be well.

Original poster
Lentil63 · 28/04/2018 18:57

Wherearemymables, tell me how I can be a good nanny please.

OP posts:
Lemonyknickers · 29/04/2018 21:26

Can you be my MIL please? I think you will be lovely from what you write, my future MIL told my DH he was making the biggest mistake of his life 4 days before our wedding! 😂

Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 21:30

My only tip would be to recognise she is her own person rather than an extension of your son.

But tbh you sound very thoughtful do I bet you will get on great!

Original poster
Lentil63 · 29/04/2018 23:06

Oh dear LemoneyKnickers, that’s very sad. I hope she’s changed her mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lentil63 · 29/04/2018 23:11

Dancingleopard, thank you I’ve been super careful to build a relationship with my future daughter in law separate to that I have with my son. I do in fact genuinely appreciate her for herself and keep in touch with her separately but not incessantly. I’ll make sure I tell her that I value her and enjoy her company. Thank you.

OP posts:
MillicentF · 30/04/2018 07:25

I do hope all the prospective dils are thinking as hard and planning as carefully about building their relationship with their future mils.

BeyondThePage · 30/04/2018 08:33

I do hope all the prospective dils are thinking as hard

I shouldn't think so - but only because most people just actually get on with it. You like each other, you don't, you are indifferent - whatever - you just get on with it, family is family (god I sound like an Eastenders special), you don't get to choose, so you just make the best of what you get.

Lemonyknickers · 01/05/2018 16:54

I thought she had Lentil, about 10 years into our marriage and then discovered that actually she was being very unpleasant about me behind my back all along. I gave up trying at that point and bizarrely now she is almost solicitous to me. Were married 17 years now but I think the ultimate issue was we are different types of people and she couldn't make allowance for that not see that a different type of person may have been what her son wanted.
I think the fact you want to like her and respect your son's freedom of choice will make you a fab MIL. Hope she a fab DIL too!