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Original poster

What would you make of this text?

32 replies

gawdsake · 28/04/2018 10:35

Ex and I are in the process of separating. After years of abuse, verbal, emotional and physical I have finally snapped yesterday and told him he can go.

We have children. Last night youngest woke up crying. I climbed into his bed to soothe him, but ended up falling asleep with him. I wake up to this text from my ex, which was sent about 2am.

It reads: I am truly sorry for snatching at you yesterday morning, I have found myself struggling in our relationship, I love you to bits and fancy the pants off you, but your no sex insistence affects my behaviour towards you, it affects my sleep and my wellbeing. It probably has no effect on yourself. I know you have issues with me and some articles insist on refraining from sex, but to me sex helps builds bonds, it is a stress reliever, it is a natural enhancer of happiness biologically, it has many positives, it’s pivotal in a long term happiness in a relationship for most.
A sexless relationship affects your self esteem, makes you unsure and doubtful and in many cases like mine, makes you frustrated. I would have done anything to make you happy and keep this family together, all I wanted was a partner to try to do the same.

What would you make of it given that we've not had sex for months as he physically repulses me. I have replied with my genuine thoughts and feelings to it but I'd like to know if I've perceived it in a normal way. I don't know anymore.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 28/04/2018 10:37

He is just trying to get a shag. He’s trying to convince you that you are being unreasonable and it’s your fault!

If you have told him it’s over then this is a moot point.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2018 10:39

Why does it matter? He's abusive, and he repulses you. So just ignore the piece of scum. Why are you so invested. I'd have just ignored him. If I had to respond it would have been something like "yeah do anything to keep thr family together except not abuse me, now fuck off".

bustedwomb · 28/04/2018 10:39

Doesn't matter what we make of this text, if he physically repulses you then you don't need to be having sex with him. A big sign that things are over for you on your part.

TERFragetteCity · 28/04/2018 10:41

'That's fine - you can have whatever opinions you want, as we are not in a relationship, remember.'

category12 · 28/04/2018 10:44

If he physically repulses you, we'll, there's an end.

I think he's trying to blame his behaviour on lack of sex. Which is blameshifting and he was also minimising the other relationship problems.

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 10:44

What to think? He sees it that no sex made him grumpy and frustrated and that affected his behaviour towards you. His behaviour towards you affected your feelings for him to the point of repulsion. You are both looking at it from a selfish point of view.

There is nothing to interpret from it, he just gave you his side of the story.

Dozer · 28/04/2018 10:45

You say he is abusive. This is continuing the abuse.

Dozer · 28/04/2018 10:47

Seek to restrict contact to practical and parenting matters, seek legal advice asap and ideally also the help of a womens organisation - abuse can ramp up at the point of break up and continue afterwards.

OfficerVanHalen · 28/04/2018 10:49

He’s trying to blame you for him being an arsehole. Flip that shit around, why would anyone want to have sex with an adult who has toddler tantrums if they don’t get it? What would i make of that text? I’d be thanking the universe for sending me a sign that i’d made the right call in ending things. Hope there are better times to come for you op Flowers

Mangopr1 · 28/04/2018 11:01

The whole message is about how HE feels about the lack of intimacy. Him him him. No really thought is being put into WHY you don't want to be intimate with him. But then again abusers can never see the flaws in their own actions so in my experience it's pointless trying to explain to them your reasoning.

I hope things get easier for you once you are away from this situation xx

Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:02

Ok thanks all. I took from it a lack of responsibility for anything he's done which has attributed towards my lack of sex drive towards him.

It is a moot point as I've told him it's over and there's no going back. This is just what he does when he wants to try to 'get me onside' with him and he doesn't realise it actually makes me feel more repulsed by him than if he hadn't opened his mouth.

This was my reply, he carried on texting me after I sent it but I'm just ignoring him now, I've said my piece to him:

You seem to have no concept of cause and effect, take no culpability for your own actions and can’t seem to equate that the reason and the only reason alone why I don’t want sex with you is because you treat me badly and you repulse me. You’ve treated me like shite for as long as I have known you and it hasn’t stopped. I would have hoped for some admission as to how your behaviour has effected my sex life - it has! I am not a sexless being, I love sex in a healthy loving relationship. You haven’t provided me with one so a direct result I cannot bring myself to sleep with you regardless of either of our needs. I am worth more than a two bit shag every once in a while when you want to get your end away and then being treated like shit the rest of the time. The audacity of your text proves the lack of empathy you have for me, the lack of any real respect and the lack of responsibility or how you’ve alienated me towards you. I know you’ll probably read this, get bored cos you can’t understand or don’t care to understand what it is i am saying and you’ll let the words wash over you like they make no impact at all but please do understand that you have pushed me away

OP posts:
Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:04

Yes it is all him him him. Whenever he does something shitty (which is often) and I've abstained from sex in the past because I can't bear the thought of him touching me, I always get the 'sex speel' and it's the same thing telling me how he would be better behaved if we just had sex.

Well if that was true he wouldn't have been abusive and disrespectful towards me at the start of the relationship when the sex was admittedly extremely frequent.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/04/2018 11:14

Engaging with him will use up time and energy you need to get out of this abusive relationship.

Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:15

Thanks dozer. He obviously still lives with me (how stupid am I) but I am going to keep contact to a minimum and engage re the kids and nothing more. He's texts are meaningless and he hasn't the capacity to realise the damage he's caused. There's no hope.

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 28/04/2018 11:17

I would think this is an indicator of the line he's chosen to pursue when people ask why his relationship has failed - your fault, you refused to have sex with him.

A truthful response might be 'You are right, but years of abuse, verbal, emotional and physical abuse are hardly an aphrodisiac'. Which is essentially what you said, I think.

But in reality, ignore any further texts. Don't get into a debate. It's done.

Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:19

Spot on there! It's only in the last 12 months it's dwindled since he choked me in our bedroom! Shouldn't have got with him, I swear he's sociopathic

OP posts:
lovelycuppateas · 28/04/2018 11:19

Your reply is perfect. I was talking to my friend last night about this and our rubbish exhs, who both blamed the relationships falling apart for us not wanting to have sex with them. Why would you want to have sex with someone who is repeatedly horrible to you, completely useless around the house and blames you for all their problems? It's just a way of denying responsibility. You will feel so much better once you're out of this rubbish relationship. Flowers

TERFragetteCity · 28/04/2018 11:21

Why are you continuing to live with him?

Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:22

His money is tied up in the house

OP posts:
Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:24

I think he will be going back to his mums in a few days but I will need a plan to buy him out.

OP posts:
Ceirrno · 28/04/2018 11:25

I was really confused, thinking "but you don't HAVE a relationship..." But then you said you're still living together- he obviously thinks there still IS a relationship. I won't with you mentioning about being in your child's room, does that mean you're still sharing a bed normally?

Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:43

Yup I went to bed as normal last night and he came up after I was semi-asleep. At one point he even put his arms around me for a cuddle and was erm, grinding himself into the back of me (clearly wanting sex). I told him 'don't' and he says 'do you not want to?'. Wtf????

We don't have a spare bedroom. I can't wait for him to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
gawdsake · 28/04/2018 11:45

Yes he still thinks there's a relationship or at least some hope of still having one despite him not getting what he does wrong and how to put it right. I am just being civil with him for the kids sake. Him thinking i'd still want sex just because he's in the mood shows how messed up his train of thought is.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 28/04/2018 11:55

I was stuck in this cycle with an ex. He was repulsive. He’d be emotionally abusive to me, blank me, make me feel worthless. Then when he decided he wanted to make up he wanted sex. Expected that I’d want to have sex with someone who had made me feel so awful. Sometimes I did it to avoid escalating the row further, and it made me feel sick. Other times I’d refuse. Everything wrong in our relationship would then be my fault. I really feel for you having to still share a bed. Can’t you stay with a friend or a family member until he’s gone. It’s difficult spliting up, an awful time. But the relief you will feel will be massive once he’s gone. I can’t put it into words. I’m 2.5 years out of it now and I can’t see myself living with a man again. My life, my body, my flat, my space, my happiness. I’ll never let anyone take that away again Flowers

Ceirrno · 28/04/2018 15:52

Honestly, you need to be not sharing a room x

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