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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I prevent my abusive ex from buying a house next to me

36 replies

Sylviecakes · 28/04/2018 10:34

I have successfully divorced and moved on from my drunk, abusive ex. We have to maintain contact for the kids, but he still thinks I'm his mum, he's pretty hopeless at organising the kids so I end up doing it all so he continues the contact (a deliberate move I think). He thinks I'm still his wife/mum and hasn't understood that I have moved on. I've bought a house and expect to move in a few months with my new partner. The ex has found out and has started the process of buying the house next door. I can't have him that close as he was violent, abusive, and a drunk and will ruin my life. If he continues I will have to pull out of my purchase and lose a hefty deposit unless I can prevent him from being near me.
Is there a legal precedent other than a restraining order for this type of issue? Should I contact the builders agents? (it's a new shared ownership build) can the council get involved? Are there any groups that deal with this sort of thing. Hopefully you can help... He's a total TW*T and I need him out of my life.
Thanks

OP posts:
blaaake · 28/04/2018 10:46

I don't think legally you can do anything but can't you approach the builders and tell them he was abusive and hope they're compassionate?

Supermagicsmile · 28/04/2018 10:49

If it's shared ownership you'll be under a housing association. Go to them and explain asap..failing that..can you get a restraining order?

Original poster
Sylviecakes · 28/04/2018 10:54

It's him that's got the shared ownership, mine is a full house, same development, and he's 2 doors away

OP posts:
winner137 · 28/04/2018 12:04

If the police were involved in your break up it may be worth speaking to them to see what if anything can be done. Otherwise I would start by asking your solicitor. As he is looking at shared ownership perhaps your mp could have some influence with the local council?

Many years ago someone I knew from school was interested in purchasing the house next door to me. A few days after he spoke to me about the house, the police contacted me asking questions about him putting an offer in for the house. (very small town). It turned out that he wanted to be near his children who lived 3 doors down, They also told me that he was abusive to his ex wife so asked if I could let them know if I saw him viewing the house again.

He didn't buy the house, Im not sure why although I suspect that the police were at the bottom of it.

Good luck, i think you can sort this out if you move quickly and explore every possible avenue.

FootnerFace · 28/04/2018 12:13

I would speak to a solicitor. If there was no restraining order or police records it might be difficult to enforce.

FootnerFace · 28/04/2018 12:16

If there is no proof of abuse
No judgement or court order against him
He is safe enough to have the children over

It might just sound like an inconvenient rather than actual risk of harm... and we dont choose our neighbours!

Original poster
Sylviecakes · 28/04/2018 13:47

Many thanks, however, if you knew your next door neighbour was a noisy, abusive, violent, drunk, with a dog that is left to crap all over the area, maybe you would live elsewhere too... I am fortunate in having this information prior to a move. Im trying to avoid a costly loss of deposit and persuade him to be the one to live elsewhere.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/04/2018 13:58

Talk to a lawyer if there's documented abuse.

Otherwise it's worth losing the deposit and just not telling him where you're moving next time.

FootnerFace · 28/04/2018 14:08

The information could be seen as angry sour ex making up stuff, spreading malicious rumours (which he could sue you for) unless he was convicted or had some judgement against him proving this.

I still dont understand how he has contact with the children if he is an abusive violent drunk?!

Regarding the anti social behaviour if you have reports lodged of this in his or your previous home you could let the owners know.

And yes there are lots of people i wish didnt live near me but guess what i dont own the street. Sorry to sound harsh!

Original poster
Sylviecakes · 28/04/2018 15:53

Not harsh at all. Very realistic thoughts, thanks

OP posts:
idobelieveinfairies86 · 28/04/2018 16:46

If there's a record of abuse (with police or the courts who dealt with divorce) then you can apply for a occupancy order. These are not just for the house u reside in. They can be used to stop a ex partner from entering or residing in a certain area.

I had 1 for my ex as he repeatedly broke his restraining orders. It meant he wasn't allowed to live in or set foot in my town. The cps and court sorted mine out for me but I'm sure you'd be able to have a solicitor sort 1.

Thing is if you pull out what's to stop him from doing the same and then trying to buy next door to the new place you want to buy?

Gd luck @OP
x

MakeItRain · 28/04/2018 17:01

I would pull out and lose the deposit, or find out if you can use it on another house with the same company. I wouldn't tell him either.

helpimgoingcrazyhere · 28/04/2018 21:45

Maybe the national domestic violence helpline will be able to help in talking through any options. Good luck x

StaplesCorner · 28/04/2018 22:02

I would still contact the housing association giving him the shared ownership, they normally have someone experienced in supporting occupiers around domestic violence etc., I reckon they would still listen to you. I also second the NDV Helpline to get a view.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 29/04/2018 09:16

That's awful. Maybe you can approach the developers (explaining the problem) and ask to move to another plot on the same development - if it's not a tiny one with only a few houses. Otherwise if all else fails, buying the house and immediately putting it up for sale might be cheaper than losing the deposit, even with the sales fees.

whatyadoing · 30/04/2018 19:40

Did you ever document anything with police or other authorities? If not, you're going to hit a brick wall. It's just going to come across as hearsay. You could potentially apply for a restraining order now, but I doubt it would be granted as you have continued to have contact with him. Sorry.

whatyadoing · 30/04/2018 19:42

The only possible legal route you might potentially be able to take would be a stalking complaint. I know nothing about the law, how it's implemented or enforced though, so you really need legal advice from a solicitor. £50 - £100 quid - at least you will know your options - better than losing ££££s of a deposit.

DairyisClosed · 30/04/2018 19:44

Speak to the builder and ask to t transfer your deposit to a different house /different development.

whatyadoing · 30/04/2018 19:45

Oh - and maybe a coercive control complaint - but you're going to have to pull the finger out and document everything and make a formal complaint and statement to the police. Even then, they are quite difficult to get the CPS to push forward with.

Gemini69 · 30/04/2018 19:48

Jesus OP.. this is awful.. I'm hope you're able to sort something out with the Builders... Flowers

adjsavedmylife · 30/04/2018 19:53

If you pull out and lose your deposit, could he switch/pull out and do the same next time? Horrid thought but worth considering as then you’d have lost it for nothing. I really feel for you and hope you solve this.

marl · 30/04/2018 20:14

Wanting to send my sympathies and apologise for nothing helpful, just Thanks. I had an ex like this who did everything possible to remain in my life. I always expected him to pull this one; thankfully have got DS to 16 without it happening despite idle talk. I guess all you can do is speak to the building company to set up plan B if his plans do start to become anything other than his ideas. Much of what these men want it our attention and often nothing comes of it apart from them pressing themselves to the forefront of our minds through this kind of behaviour in their hope of ruining our other relationships. What I would definitely do though is hide any reaction from him, cut all but necessary communication about the kids and have a plan B which may or may not need to happen. And as others say, make sure as little of anything about your life is revealed to him. (This has meant there's a lot about my own finances and personal situation I haven't even revealed to DS in the knowledge that he will just repeat it to my ex.) Sorry you are going through this

thousandpapercranes · 30/04/2018 20:22

Flowers I’m fearful of being in the same situation with my very vindictive STBXH. Get some legal advice, maybe a restraining order, although I’m not entirely sure how that would work if you had both already completed. At worst complete on the purchase then rent it out and live elsewhere.

Original poster
Sylviecakes · 30/04/2018 21:51

Great posts, will be taking legal advice, and making sure I find the agent he is going through. thankyou x

OP posts:
whatyadoing · 30/04/2018 22:50

Good to hear OP. I'd be interested to hear what a solicitor thinks, so out of sheer curiosity, it would be great to update.