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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He sort of choked me during kissing

34 replies

Choked · 28/04/2018 05:39

If a guy you were seeing for a couple of months (have not had sex with) and you were kissing, he wraps one hand around your neck and presses with his thumb just under your trachea. You definitely feel it. It blocks some air but you could still breathe (70%). It lasted a minute or so.

You later ask him why he did that? He responds that he didnt realise where his thumb was and that he was pressing. He adds that he moved when he realised he was doing it.

What would you think of this? Was it even choking?

OP posts:

BetterEatCheese · 28/04/2018 05:42

I'm not sure that could be unintentional. Would ring alarm bells for me as choking is something some people like, and I would worry this would spill over into sex

louisiana30 · 28/04/2018 05:43

Why did you let it last so long?
And he didn’t know where his hand was??? Nah I don’t think so

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 28/04/2018 05:45

This sounds really worrying to me and I'd run fast

BinG0wings123 · 28/04/2018 05:46

Does he watch a lot of porn?

Only asking because I’ve had three lorn obsessed boyfriends, two tried to choke me in some way and the other asked if I was into being choked.

(Funnily enough, no),

DubaiismyBlackpool · 28/04/2018 05:49

If I were dating that guy, it would be our last date.
No one 'unintentionally' can do that. He was testing you to see if objected.
I'm sorry.

chickhonhoneybabe · 28/04/2018 05:58

It would have rung alarm bells, and I’d be running for the hills!

Why didn’t you say something to the weirdo at the time?

newdaylight · 28/04/2018 06:00

Hills

Mouseville65 · 28/04/2018 06:01

If you felt you needed to ask him for an explanation and then it still niggled enough for you to post here I think that tells you something is not quite right :/

BedtimeTea · 28/04/2018 06:16

I would never see him again.

NotAgainYoda · 28/04/2018 06:21

I agree with Mouseville

TeddyIsaHe · 28/04/2018 06:24

If you haven’t had the conversation with him about choking then that’s not on. It’s not wrong for him to enjoy it, BUT you have to have talked about if first to see what you’re both comfortable with.

I’d see this as a red flag and would not be seeing him again.

Angelf1sh · 28/04/2018 06:25

That was clearly deliberate, the fact that he lied about it (rather than acknowledging it was deliberate and apologising for not checking with you first to see if you enjoyed that sort of thing) is scary. I wouldn’t see him again.

TellyCushion · 28/04/2018 06:34

I'd say it was an accident.

joystir59 · 28/04/2018 06:37

In all my relationships and flings (I'm 60) nobody has ever done this. This was intentional - a minute is a very long time to press on someone's throat in exactly the right place to inhibit their breathing. Run

Undercoverbanana · 28/04/2018 06:44

It sounds like he was testing you with it.

You need to make it clear that this is not your thing and it can’t happen again. His reaction will tell you if he understands this.

Any sign of him not respecting this and you should get out of there.

Onlyhavetwohands · 28/04/2018 06:49

A minute? Not an accident.

Onlyhavetwohands · 28/04/2018 06:50

Definitely wouldn’t see him again either. You couldn’t trust him.

Changedname3456 · 28/04/2018 06:52

Yeah, can’t see that being accidental.

ArchchancellorsHat · 28/04/2018 06:56

I can't see that being an accident. Run. I wouldn't even bother to tell him f2f, just a text and don't contact me again.

Bowlofbabelfish · 28/04/2018 07:04

He's testing your boundaries. They do it with something that makes you very uncomfortable but that could, just about, be denied and passed off as accidental.

If you call him on it he will minimise it, then he will turn it back on you - you’ll be paranoid, he was just...how could you think that... blah blah. But look - he did know, he moved when he realised. Apparently. After quite a while.

What you do now will dictate how it pans out. Accept the apology, he will do something else. He will deny this was an issue and get a bit tetchy when you mention it. You’ll end up feeling bad if you ever even bring it up.

Now, play this tape to the end. And think about what a man who subtly chokes you so early in a relationship will do when he’s got a hold on you.

So you dump him. I bet you’ll get an almighty tantrum and he will turn it all back on you. Hold firm.

And yes, I bet he watches a lot of porn.

ClaryFray · 28/04/2018 07:08

As someone who quite enjoys being choked. It's never happened in a relationship prior to the six months mark and never without prior discussion and consent.

Original poster

Choked · 28/04/2018 07:17

Ive ended it for many other reasons but thanks everyone for replying.

OP posts:

IdontwantAlexa · 28/04/2018 07:19

It reminded me of the incident with the comedian Aziz Ansari as detailed here Definitely wrong and he knew what he was doing. Well put Bowelofbabelfish

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 28/04/2018 07:20

@claryfray

Genuine question, no need to answer...what do you enjoy about it?

I know it’s a thing that some people get off on. Does the chokee or choker get the pleasure? It seems to me like such a violent act...and like any violent act would instantly turn me off.

There was a sad case local to me recently where a young woman died when she and her partner (she’d met him that night) took part in choking as a sexual act.

OP your man sounds creepy. Anything away from the usual needs to be fully discussed, understood and agreed upon first. I think all decent grown ups in relationships understand that.

Onlyhavetwohands · 28/04/2018 07:23

Yes I remember that case. They met at a bus stop and went back to his and he killed her.

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