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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She's moving on,

49 replies

Notagain22 · 27/04/2018 17:42

Iv recently split with my extremely long term GF. We are still very good friends and we still see and speak daily. We help each other financially and work perfectly together with our children.

However, she now tells me she's ready to move on and has a date set up with another man. I'm absolutely devastated, I can't function and don't know how to carry on. I still love her, its only been a month or so since she moved out.

What do I do? She wants me in her life but I don't know how that can be? She knows how I feel and knows how upset I am but this doesn't seem to mean anything.

Am I just being a complete doormat or what?

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 27/04/2018 17:49

If you still love her, it's best to go no contact with her.

BoyWithApple · 27/04/2018 18:01

I feel for you, it’s a shitty situation. Sadly, I think the only thing you can do right now for your own peace of mind is to cut right back on contact with her so you can move on in the same way that she is - it will be torture for you to be speaking daily when she is seeing someone else. It may not always be that way but for now you need to look after your emotional well-being. You’re not being a doormat, you’re just being hopeful which is understandable, but it sounds like it may be futile and you need time and kindness to process that, I don’t think you’re going to get that from her

MMmomDD · 27/04/2018 18:12

Op - whose idea was it to split up?
I presume - not yours?

Anyway - unfortunately - this is what happens when people break up. They move on.
(And sometimes, rarely, get back together. But i’d not hang on to that hope)

You need to figure out the rest of your life assuming the two of you aren’t together.

thisishard2 · 27/04/2018 18:30

I feel your pain. My husband was seeing someone else nano-seconds after we called it a day. Literally. And we were still loving in her same house for about 5 months after that. It was extremely painful - and that’s without seeing them together. I can’t imagine how it will be when that has to happen.

I too second cutting right back on contact.

Why did you split up?

thisishard2 · 27/04/2018 18:31

living in the same house Confused

Original poster
Notagain22 · 27/04/2018 18:44

Thanks for the reply, your all saying what I really already know. She ended it really due to the arguing, arguing that came from everyday pressures I suppose. I am trying to do the no contact but this is extremely difficult due to the children. I also have received interest from another woman but just can't bring myself to get involved in anything or anyone other the my ex.

I'm completely drained and feel so pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notagain22 · 27/04/2018 18:51

I keep reading into all the little things she says, like she feels bad, she's lost, she dosnt know who she is, she wants me in her life.
I naturally see hope in most of it but then she behaves in ways that shoots all that down

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 27/04/2018 19:36

That sounds more like she’s keeping you as a safety net than any real feeling that she thinks she’s made w mistake.

If you can’t go completely NC then just keep conversation limited to the needs of the kids, pickups etc. If she tries to engage you with anything else then just (politely) shut her down on the subject.

She can’t have her cake and eat it. It’s not fair to you or future partners (yours or hers).

Vitalogy · 27/04/2018 19:58

Sorry you're feeling so bad OP. I agree with no contact too. Just contact re children. It's the only way you can start to heal. Best wishes.

SandyY2K · 27/04/2018 20:17

You need to cut back contact to discussions about the children and other essential matters. Daily contact won't allow you to move on.

It's a shame you aren't up for dating...so often the Ex suddenly gains interest in you. Even when they ended it.

Anyway..do what you feel best..but try and stay positive and get your social life active.

Happy people give off a great aura.

Original poster
Notagain22 · 27/04/2018 20:52

Really thank you all for the advice. Everything your saying makes sense and maybe she is keeping me in a safety net. I just don't understand how after 15+ years together you could possibly be ready or even consider moving on so soon. Makes me feel like I'm nothing. I'll try and impliment all your advice and hope that I'm strong enough to carry it through. Iv always considered myself a strong person and have been through most things you could imagine. I fear though this time I'm running on empty. She does have her cake and she is eating it, that's something that has to stop.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 27/04/2018 20:56

OP, she may have moved on emotionally a good while before the actual split.

Original poster
Notagain22 · 27/04/2018 21:28

I think your right, she must have come to terms with it well before it ended.

When we are together for whatever reason, we do get on really well and you would think we were a happy couple still.

Iv lost my very best friend

OP posts:
Original poster
Notagain22 · 27/04/2018 21:39

Sorry for sounding so ridiculous, I'm really not that weak I think I'm just in shock.

Everything was working so well as friends and I still had that sense of family and teamwork. ( she says we still can have) I don't understand why she would kill that for the sake what could just be a quick fumble.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 27/04/2018 23:12

Did she know this guy before?

I suspect she was shutting herself off emotionally a while before bothering to tell you that was what was happening. It seems sudden to you because she’s not wanted to try and “rescue” the relationship so she’s not told you what’s going on in her head.

You need to get a bit angry at the situation (and you will, once you move past this current sense of bewilderment and loss) so you can close off your feelings toward her and move on too.

She doesn’t deserve the headspace you’re currently giving her, OP, so give yourself some breathing room. Don’t swallow the bullshit “we can be a family” line.

Vitalogy · 27/04/2018 23:19

You don't sound ridiculous at all.
It'll take time but you'll get to a place where you'll feel ok again.

Original poster
Notagain22 · 28/04/2018 04:37

She won't tell me who this person is. I think he's been hovering around for a while if I'm honest. Probably been offering support

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 28/04/2018 04:51

I don't think it'll help knowing who they are.
Do you think you could consider no contact at all at this time.

Tattybear16 · 28/04/2018 05:08

You sound lovely, stop being a doormat. Just focus on the kids, remember that this is what she wanted and when she starts remind her of it. Keep conversations just about the kids. Sort out the financial side so you’re supportive and she’s not taking the piss.

It will take time, doesn’t sound like you’ve been through the full grieving process yet as she’s messing with your mind. You might not be ready to move on, but you do need to spend time learning to be you again. Agree when you’ll have the kids and enjoy them, but live your life. You only get one and it would be shame to waste it.

Original poster
Notagain22 · 28/04/2018 05:55

I'm not really able to do the NC as I have the children quite a lot. Mainly to facilitate her job. I work 5 days and have the kids a few days in the week and at weekends so we are constantly in contact.

Your right I don't really need to know who it is but I can't help wondering.

He must have a lot going for him for her to jump in this quickly.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 28/04/2018 06:49

”He must have a lot going for him for her to jump in this quickly.”

Doubtful. The prick my exW was hooking up with certainly didn’t have a lot to reccomend him. Anyone prepared to knowingly shag around with a married person is a fuckwit anyway, IMO, but there was a certain poetic justice in seeing them split later - due to his cheating on her.

I suspect she’s already at least been having an EA with him for a while and there’s a good chance it’s been physical too. Men and women generally find it easier to end a relationship when the next one is lined up waiting.

Don’t overthink all that though. The point is not to endlessly compare yourself to him or to try and pick at the scabs of what you did “wrong” (never hurts to be self aware, but don’t dwell on it). Be there for your kids but otherwise shut her out of your head.

Original poster
Notagain22 · 28/04/2018 09:06

So already had first contact of the day. Finding out my plans for the day with the kids and seeing how I'm doing. Then I get the line, "it's good your doing things it's what you need to be doing". Which is obvious.

Is this her really just caring about me and wanting to make sure I ok? Or her re emphasising it's over and me to also move on? Probably both eh?

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 28/04/2018 09:10

Probably both, yes. Don't tell her your plans, she's not your GF, they are none of her business unless they relate to the kids. She will need to learn not to rely on you always being there to listen - she's moved on.
Hope you feel better soon and have a nice day planned.

Joysmum · 28/04/2018 09:10

Personally I’d message her assaying you respect that she’s ready to move on but that you aren’t. Therefore please could she limit communication only to arrangements for the children as everything else hurts you.

Vitalogy · 28/04/2018 09:44

I think one reason for the stringing along is so they don't look like the bad guy, I know, ridiculous when they already are. Plus to put it bluntly you're more useful to be onside.
It's cruel to not let you be as free as possible to move on and forward in your own life, they're being selfish, even if they aren't totally aware of it.