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Original poster

Found husband had been sexting but it's historical. How do I get past this?

48 replies

sunshine05 · 27/04/2018 09:42

So on impulse I went through dh's emails. I found some emails that he'd sent to a made up email address (Ican'tbelieveweredoingthis@...) with photos of himself partially clothed/intimate/suggestive. I was so shocked I emailed him and confronted him. The emails were sent 4 years ago.

Some history - we will have been married 10 years this august, have 3 kids. When we were engaged and I was pregnant with my first something happened between his best friends girlfriend and him (he swears nothing happened but there was at least flirting maybe a kiss) I was so upset and put it behind me. lThen a few years later I found a few suggestive pics on his email of a girl he used to know back home. Again he apologised and said it wouldn't happen again- I found the emails 2 years after they'd been sent.

So now this 3rd time. I'm devastated. He swears he hasn't slept with this woman he was flirting with - someone he knew from work whom he then ended up sending pics back and forth with for a few weeks. He then ended it when he realised he felt bad and it was wrong. I was pregnant with our 3rd at the time. He swears he hasn't done anything with anyone since and has been 100% faithful.

I know we've had times when our sex life has been pretty non existent- especially through my pregnancies, but this is no excuse. He's a great dad to the kids, family man etc you'd be shocked if you knew him and knew what he'd done.

I don't want lots of LTB messages! I want to save this marriage but I don't know how to get past this. I'm so angry and feel so betrayed and hurt. Yes I should have perhaps stepped back after the first incident but I was engaged to him, pregnant and emotional/hormonal so I just swept it under the carpet - didn't really deal with it. We have a good marriage otherwise.....

Maybe counselling would help but I don't know if i can get him to go, maybe I can just go myself to sort my head out....

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 10:33

Counselling on your own is a good idea.
And if you want joint then he should agree to it.
He should be prepared to do anything to help you with all of this.
If he's not, then you know he doesn't really care that much.

Start with work on yourself.
You buried your head years ago and this is the outcome.
So many women do it.
So counselling will help you initially.

Stinkachoo · 27/04/2018 10:37

To save the marriage you either learn to be ok with it or you spend the rest of it miserable and suspicious.

He wont stop, this is the third time. He didnt do the last two times because you didnt deal with the first when you were pregnant, he did it because thats what he is.

He wouldnt even go to counselling after what he's done? Why are you do hell bent on saving something by yourself?

I think you should go to counselling alone

I hope it works out

AnyFucker · 27/04/2018 10:38

He won't stop.

Fair enough you don't want to be told you should LTB. However, if you forgive a 3rd time you might as well have his cheating out in the open and that means you get to step outside of your marriage too. How do you think that would go down ?

Adora10 · 27/04/2018 10:40

Are you actually mad, you want to stay with a cheating lying git that has put your pregnancies and sexual health at risk; he won't stop OP, he never has, you are married to a dirty sleazy git who is chasing women all over the place.

so sorry I have advice if you want to stay.

Adora10 · 27/04/2018 10:41

A good marriage, no you do not, raise your bar; you are showing him that he can treat you like utter crap and you will accept it; all wrong.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2018 10:44

Why do you want to save this at all, examine your reasons far more closely and do so through counselling. He undoubtedly would not have been so forgiving if you had done this. This cannot be swept under the rug any longer; its too big and this is also repeated behaviour on his part.

If he is really a great dad and family man he would not have wanted to be with anyone other than you in the first place. He did not think about the kids when he was with these other women, he has only thought about himself here. Would you actually tell your kids when adults that they should stay together despite them finding out that their partner has cheated?.

If there is now no trust there is really no relationship. Staying for the kids as well is no reason to stay with someone who has strayed throughout your relationship. His cheating behaviours in your marriage are all on him and has nothing to do with you personally. The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone.

And what hellsbellsmelons wrote.

LexieLulu · 27/04/2018 10:45

He's claiming he's been faithful, but I beg to differ.

Cheating can be classed as different things, some people consider it to be only sexual contact, some people say kissing and some people would say sexting.

I personally would be more hurt by ongoing messages than I would a one night stand. So I would class emails and sexting as cheating. So on this basis he has cheated on you three times.

From this I would guess he loves the attention?

Is this some thing that you can "save" or is this something that only he has control of?

LimonViola · 27/04/2018 11:45

Look into having a mutually open relationship.

You both get to see other people. You can decide on a 'don't ask don't tell' rule, or a 'discuss first and proceed with consent' rule.

He won't stop cheating, you know this so it's something you need to accept about him if you're wanting to remain in the relationship. Better to have it out in the open. You're already in an open marriage from his side. It'll be better all round if you have that freedom too or you'll feel like you're being taken for a mug and disrespected every time he meets someone else. And no doubt you being able to look elsewhere and meet other guys will stop you focusing so much on what husband is up to. It's only fair.

It's not how I'd want to live, but I wouldn't choose to stay with a multiple cheater. If I was going to, it's the only way I'd do it. Get it all above board, take away the lying and deception. You're not with a faithful man and if you stay with him you never will be. Own it and accept it or your marriage will be a miserable lengthy decline where you're constantly suspicious and wondering what he's doing.

timeisnotaline · 27/04/2018 11:49

I would at least have the conversation - after 3 times and you won’t even go to counselling I can’t think of any way I can be confident this isn’t going on. So I think I should go on a date / online relationship / try tinder or something to see if I can handle a more open marriage. See what he thinks? Bet it’s one standard for him and another for you.

Storm4star · 27/04/2018 11:51

I understand that you want to try and save the marriage but unfortunately your going to be hard pressed to find anyone that can advise you how to do that, because most of us would not tolerate this behaviour.

I’m afraid it’s also beyond me why you would want to stay with someone that has cheated 3 times (and that’s just the ones you know about). You do realise that chances are, sooner or later, it will become serious with one of these women and he’ll leave you anyway? You have no security in your marriage and all the counselling in the world won’t change that.

Clearly you aren’t going to leave him though so yes counselling alone is a good idea. But don’t be surprised if they don’t tell you what you want to hear either.

Prettylovely · 27/04/2018 11:51

You either put up with it and learn to live with it or you leave, People like that dont change.
He doesnt value your marriage as he has put it at risk so many times. If he cared he wouldnt do it.

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2018 12:31

He hasn't been faithful to you
I know you don't want to hear ltb but it's long overdue or do you want this shit for the rest of your life?

Typeractive · 27/04/2018 13:13

He won't stop. So if you're determined to stay, all you can do is work on coping strategies for yourself.

Kittykat93 · 27/04/2018 13:17

You don't want LTB advice but sorry that's all I can think of. He doesn't love or respect you and will continue to fuck up your relationship as you keep letting him get away with it.

category12 · 27/04/2018 13:21

It's a repeating pattern, so I would settle in and expect it to happen again if you stay. If you think the good is enough to outweigh it, then that's the choice you're making.

Original poster
sunshine05 · 27/04/2018 13:46

woah ok I expected replies but can I just clarify he hasn't had sex with anyone so no he hasn't put my sexual health at risk. Just want to clarify that

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 13:47

Op you are in big schtum if you believe that.

TorviBrightspear · 27/04/2018 13:52

OP, yes, you've said you don't want to hear LTB.

But really, this man has a nice wife at home who does the domestic stuff, and allows him the fantasy of being with someone else (who knows, it may not be such a fantasy as you don't know nothing happened). He has his cake and is eating it.

And it takes the cheater to repair the marriage. He's the one cheating, he is the one who has to put the bulk of the effort in, no more emails, texts, etc.

He now has form, he'll tell you it's all behind him. Until the next time.

Original poster
sunshine05 · 27/04/2018 13:54

I'm not ever going to consider an open relationship, that's just not my thing. I'll get him to go to counselling I guess as a first action.

I guess it's hard to see it from where you lot are standing. Yes I feel hes' cheated on me, disrespected me and risked our marriage but we have 3 kids together, they're young (4,7 and 9) so a divorce is a HUGE thing to think about. I am financially reliant on him, I don't work right now. The thought of us not having a future together?? I can't even begin to think about that.

I am worried he'll do it again despite him saying otherwise. I guess I didn't think the first two indiscrepencies were all that bad- sending photos, and the first one well flirting. If he'd had sex with someone then I agree, that would be it. But I feel its more of a grey area.

You have to undertstand I'm in turmoil here. It's not that clear cut.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 13:55

he hasn't had sex with anyone
Still burying your head I see.
You do NOT know this.
You only have to see his history to know this is probably not true.
He probably HAS!!!

Adora10 · 27/04/2018 13:55

Oh dear god OP, he hasn't had sex, just like he hasn't been chasing women for years, my god, how deluded are you. He doesn't have any morals, he cheats on you and he even cheated on his best friend with his gf; he sounds really lovely lol.

SomeKnobend · 27/04/2018 13:56

3 times that he's been caught. He's never done anything similar any other times and not been caught? And he's never done anything more than what there was written proof of? Wow, that's an unlucky coincidence isn't it!! You can't, in your right mind, possibly believe this?! He's a serial cheat. He's only admitted what you knew by finding out yourself. Of course he's had sex with miss "I can't believe we're doing this@actually I do it as often as I can get away with.com". If you want to save the marriage just keep sticking your fingers in your ears and singing lalala I'm not listening. That'll prolong it until he finds an ow he wants more than just sex with. You can't make the marriage good again though, he will not be faithful.

Adora10 · 27/04/2018 13:58

I'd be in constant turmoil if i was stuck with this type of man, OP, he has fucked the marriage, not you; your kids will be fine and better with a happy mummy that is not showing them that men cheat, disrespect and the woman remains and suffers it, well why, cos she's a woman.

The only person you are helping out by staying is him.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 13:58

Is your youngest now at school?
Can you look at getting some part time work now.
It's never good to be financially reliant on a cheating man.
But with 3 young DC I can see why you want to work on things.
HE has to put the work in though.
HE needs some counselling
HE needs to be completely transparent.
You need access to all his accounts, devices, apps, cloud, everything.
See what he says when you ask for full access to all his devices.
His response will be all you need to know.

Juells · 27/04/2018 14:01

I know we've had times when our sex life has been pretty non existent- especially through my pregnancies, but this is no excuse.

Far more likely it was the reason why you weren't having sex, rather than the other way around. He didn't need sex from you, he was getting it elsewhere. Sorry to say that, but you're fooling yourself if you think what you've found out is all there is.

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