Found husband had been sexting but it's historical. How do I get past this?

[sunshine05]

So on impulse I went through dh's emails. I found some emails that he'd sent to a made up email address (Ican'tbelieveweredoingthis@...) with photos of himself partially clothed/intimate/suggestive. I was so shocked I emailed him and confronted him. The emails were sent 4 years ago.

Some history - we will have been married 10 years this august, have 3 kids. When we were engaged and I was pregnant with my first something happened between his best friends girlfriend and him (he swears nothing happened but there was at least flirting maybe a kiss) I was so upset and put it behind me. lThen a few years later I found a few suggestive pics on his email of a girl he used to know back home. Again he apologised and said it wouldn't happen again- I found the emails 2 years after they'd been sent.

So now this 3rd time. I'm devastated. He swears he hasn't slept with this woman he was flirting with - someone he knew from work whom he then ended up sending pics back and forth with for a few weeks. He then ended it when he realised he felt bad and it was wrong. I was pregnant with our 3rd at the time. He swears he hasn't done anything with anyone since and has been 100% faithful.

I know we've had times when our sex life has been pretty non existent- especially through my pregnancies, but this is no excuse. He's a great dad to the kids, family man etc you'd be shocked if you knew him and knew what he'd done.

I don't want lots of LTB messages! I want to save this marriage but I don't know how to get past this. I'm so angry and feel so betrayed and hurt. Yes I should have perhaps stepped back after the first incident but I was engaged to him, pregnant and emotional/hormonal so I just swept it under the carpet - didn't really deal with it. We have a good marriage otherwise.....

Maybe counselling would help but I don't know if i can get him to go, maybe I can just go myself to sort my head out....

Ok I wanted support, some of you are treating me like I'm the one to blame here.

And yes hellsbellsmelons we've discussed it and he's fine with complete transparency, I have his email password and I can look at his phone any time.

I've been in your shoes OP, I didn't have kids though so it was easier for me to leave, so I understand why you are in so much turmoil.

My ex sexted other women many times over the years we were together. These men aren't necessarily awful evil people, but they do enjoy the attention and the thrill it gives them...it's very selfish I still struggle to get my head around it sometimes.

My ex would always be very upset and apologetic and promise me that it would never happen again, but it did. I think once they get back into the monotony of life, sooner or later someone will turn their head, and they will have the opportunity/temptation to do it again. My ex kept telling me it didn't mean anything to him.. but he knew full well it would hurt me and did it anyway.

It sounds like he's been doing this for the duration of your relationship and as others have said these are the times you found out. He could have hidden/deleted stuff on his phone that you would never know about.

It's also worth remembering they will minimise things as much as possible. It's a very difficult situation to be in when the trust has gone, if he's not willing to move heaven and earth to prove to you he's willing to change and get some counselling, then I really think it doesn't bode well.

I hope you have some support around you and people you can talk to about this. If I were you I'd tell him to go and stay somewhere else for a while, to give you time to think.

You need to stress to him that what he's done is a big deal, he needs to see the consequences of what he's done, that he might lose you.

Hopefully going to counselling will make you realise there is more to life than staying in a relationship with a lying, unfaithful cunt.

With any luck it'll inject a bit of self worth into you.

All the best, OP.

That's a good start.
Have you had a look though?
Really looked?
Through his photo's in the Cloud etc....?
Or is he just paying lip service knowing you will never really look?

OP, what advice would you give your daughter in same position, exactly.

By support you mean for us to all tell you it's not so bad and you should stay because he won't do it again, is that what advice you would offer OP, nah, didn't think so either.

Until you wise up and actually let him see that you are no longer a doormat, nothing will change, he has the best deal ever; how you can love a person that can treat you so abysmally is beyond my comprehension so I will bow out now, you clearly do not want the truth; I would love to know what he has that makes you feel you are stuck with him, if it's financial, get your future sorted so you are not reliant on him, he must be laughing his head off at what he gets away with, utterly disgusting he is.

The only way really you could feel any level of security is if he essentially went straight to and from work, no access to phone/email etc while at home. Even then it’s not foolproof but would you want to live like that? I’m not sure what your expecting him getting counselling to achieve? “I sent dirty pictures behind my wife’s back because she went off sex while pregnant” ?? He was a dirty git, that’s it, no deeper “issue” to resolve. And, as many others have said, you have given him the green light to continue so it’s not a question of if, but when.

As others have said. If you want this marriage to continue, you have to accept that this is who he is. If you want to do that, then that is 100% your choice. But you are asking for a solution that just doesn’t exist i’m afraid. Your asking, “how can I make a blue sky pink” and the only way to do it is to keep those rose coloured glasses on. You can’t take the glasses off and still see a pink sky. It’s impossible.

Ok I wanted support, some of you are treating me like I'm the one to blame here.

Your asking us to support something that none of us can. I am truly sorry for how your feeling but what else can we tell you? You gave him a second and a third chance and both times he’s blown it. What else can we say?

he's fine with complete transparency, I have his email password and I can look at his phone any time.

He has a new phone and a new email address that you don't know about.

Agree with Juells. There is a phone or account you don't know about. Sorry. I understand why it's so difficult.

I'd also add that he might not do anything else for a long time, you could end up spending years more of your life with him for him to do it to you again. When it happened to me I felt like I couldn't take that chance.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, I know it's difficult to read when some posters have been a bit harsh, just bear in mind they are trying to help and save you from more pain. I hope you're okay and have some real life support to talk things over.

How do you know he didn't have sex with anyone? Because he told you.. and he's so honest. I'm sorry but 3 times and you don't want to be told to leave. Well then stay and let him do whatever he wants. Why would he change he's behaviour when you let him away with it.

The only way to get past it is to continue to ignore it, as you have in the past. Don't read his messages or emails if you won't like what you'll find. Out of sight out of mind. . . that's all really

The problem is OP, it’s clearly in his nature to want this kind of buzz, it doesn’t tend to just go away, a one off then I may be more forgiving, but it isn’t . So as others have said if you want to carry on then I think you have to be brave and say ok, we can have an open marriage, if it’s ok for you, it’s ok for me, OR you don’t look, don’t snoop and just turn a blind eye to anything , some women do this , you wouldn’t be the first and if you mentally can cope with that then that’s fine.

I tho also if you hear in mind a lot of women on here have been through similar, they forgave and forgave and in the end often got left anyway, so felt it was all for nothing, that’s why many are giving you the kind of advice they are doing. Most people tend to offer opinions from personal experience

@yetmorecrap

a lot of women on here have been through similar, they forgave and forgave and in the end often got left anyway

...and it's no fun to forgive and forgive and finally be left when you're too old and embittered to even bother looking at another man because you now know they're all lying bastards 😂

you can't fix what you haven't broken.
Your H has betrayed you repeatedly and his promises of nothing happened cannot be trusted as he never revealed any of this sexting either until you found out.
He is basically admitting what he's been caught out on and could be hiding other emails n phones, dating site logins even.
Having one password doesn't stop him it just limits his use of that particular account.

How would he feel if you behaved in same manner?
Revealing your body to other men sexting another man. Would your h be angry and disgusted?
How would you have to feel about your marriage to even contemplate sexting behind your h back?
He won't save a marriage he doesn't care about

If I were you, (and I kinda was at one point) I would start going back to work (or retraining). And start making sure you have a good support network of friends around you.

Then it's a lot easier for you to follow through on "if this ever happens again"...

Op I think the reason you will get a lot of ltb messages is because as you rightly say from the outside that is the sensible choice because no emotion, attachment or fear of the outcome if you left is attatched to that decision for those reading your post.

That said its worth considering how you could make this possible financially and emotionally if need be in the future. You should never stay with someone because you have no choice, you should stay with them because it is the best choice the one that you are happy with. From your subsequent posts I dont get a sense of that. Knowing you could leave if you wsnted to is one way to get past it.

But ss you dont want to leave but do want to get past it im guessing you're hoping for an answer that leads you to a lightbulb moment whereby the pain goes away and you believe you can trust him 100% and you dont have to drive yourself insane checking his emails phone whereabouts etc everyday.

I honestly dont think there is one.

I think either you just both agree to work hard at building your bond to give you a false sense of security untill eventually the pain is a dull ache over time. Untill the next time.

Or you go to marriage counselling. Explore why he did what he did and hope he learns to fully grasp the fracture he's created, how its demeaned him as a person as well as you leading to true remorse if that is actually possible.

Do you really want to spend your life policing your OH? He can so easily set up new accounts get another phone etc. Better to accept reality, make sure you are financially independent and get counselling for yourself. There is absolutely no point in making him have counselling unless he wants to. You cannot change who he is. Although it is heartbreaking and unfair the only person you can change is yourself. So unless you are happy to accept a one sided open marriage -and people do- then move on.

MN is not the place to ask for cuddles and hand holds. You will get honest answers here and I'm afraid I agree with most of these. How many times does someone need to promise you they'll never do something again before it starts sounding like a lie?

@Sally2791

Do you really want to spend your life policing your OH?

Following a huge bust-up when I found out (by accident, not by snooping) that my DH was having an affair, we split up for months. I agreed to try again provided I never had to check up on him, because I didn't want the paranoia of having to watch someone all the time. Eight years later it turned out that my non-snooping had given him carte blanche to carry on the same affair the whole time.

So it looks like your choices in a relationship like this are... put blinkers on so that you don't have to know, or make him the centre of your universe and police everything he does. Who the fuck wants a life like that? It wouldn't work anyway. Liars lie, as easily as breathing, and can cover their tracks.

You keep on saying that he hasn't "done anything" as in the physical sense ( if you believe that ) - regardless he HAS done something . He has done too much already ! It is those very messages that are the betrayal - the I want to FCK you messages, the I'm hard messages etc that are the betrayal - acted on or not ! It is all about HIM - his ego and wanting to be wanted and desired . Sadly my experience is that men like this can never be trusted. They do it once and they get away with it . They become experienced and they are addicted to it - that is their rush . Sorry but that's my experience . All the best to you .

This is what you don’t know; he hasn’t slept with any other women during your marriage, that the three occasions where you’ve caught him being inappropriate are the only times he’s been inappropriate. This is is what you do know; he’s a liar and will make promises he won’t keep.

This is who he is and if LTB is not an option you’re willing to exercise then you are going to have to accept that. Everytime you’ve caught him crossing a line you’ve forgiven him —buried your head in the sand— and every time he’s crossed it again. If persuading him to go to counselling (and counselling is no magic bullet) is something that you have to do then what exactly is he doing (making promises he has form for not keeping doesn’t count)?

We can’t advise you on how to make him someone different but what we can do, is to ask you to ask yourrself, how much of your self respect you’re willing to sacrifice in order to stay with an untrustworthy man.