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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my partner is cheating on me any advice or tips to find out

26 replies

Poppygirl1988 · 26/04/2018 16:18

I am in a relationship with a man around five years older than myself the first two years were fantastic, we then decided to buy a home together during this time my mother has passed away so I have been rather disingaged with reality due to my grief, but I have a feeling my partner is cheating on me. He does shift work andinhave now noticed he is spending more time doing late night overtime. I do not drive and use public transport to get to work and home myself I was on the bus coming home from work when I spotted his car on th other side of the road nearly 8 miles from his work which I thought was odd, and also he was supposed to be doing overtime! it has ignited my suspicions and I’m very worried as it has been going on for months now late night overtime, weekend overtime., but I do not see any benefits financially as he has control of the joint bank account we share for the home.
This Is confusing me as he is still being intimate with me and I’m feeling rather sick as I’m sure he is cheating. I’m at a loss with what to do as I’m trying to support my father and younger siblings. I’m at a loss as what to do he never leaves his phone around can anyone advise me?
😰😰😰

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 26/04/2018 16:20

You need to insist on access to the account.
If he won't, call him out on it, take half the funds in it and make plans to split ASAP.

plire · 26/04/2018 16:27

Have you spoken to him? About the car being in the wrong place for work?

hellsbellsmelons · 26/04/2018 16:41

Don't ask him.
He will lie and cover his tracks better.
Can you access his phone?
Does he have a tablet that links to his phone?
Why don't you have access to the joint finances.
This needs sorting urgently.
Where are your wages paid into?
If it's your own account then do not transfer any more funds until he allows you full access. If they go directly to the joint account then stop this as of now! Put all monies into your own account.

Snoop if you can.
Can you put a 'find my phone' on his phone so you can see where he is?
So many women say - Just ask!!
Yeah right.
Worst idea ever.
Like he's gonna say - oh yes hunny, I'm having an affair. I hope you are OK with that!
It's daft advice.
Do some digging.
See what you can get access to.

dirtybadger · 26/04/2018 16:48

"I would like to see where we are at with our savings and finances. Can I have the password for the online account please?". Or his pay cheques, or whatever. You will soon see how much overtime he is getting paid for. No need to go through his phone or follow him or anything if you can ascertain that he has consistently been lying about overtime.

sunshinegirl100 · 26/04/2018 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gemini69 · 26/04/2018 17:04

what do you mean exactly.. when you say... He has control over the joint bank account ? are you unable to access it atall ? please go into the bank and ask to see full statements.... and arrange online access Flowers

SandyY2K · 26/04/2018 18:56

Why have you not got access to the joint account? Change this situation immediately.

Next time he says he's working late...go to the same place you saw his car and see if it's there.

Or discuss what home improvements could be done with the overtime monet. Or just something that needs replacing in the house.

See his reaction.

category12 · 26/04/2018 19:50

You should have your own log-in to online banking with the joint account, so set that up. If you have any problems, go into the bank with ID and sort it out that way. Controlling money in this way is financial abuse (unless you're a gambling addict or something and this has been agreed).

yummymummyperry · 27/04/2018 08:32

Have you checked his social media profiles at all ofr hints of an affair, new friends, more time spent on Facebook etc

Original poster
Poppygirl1988 · 27/04/2018 10:08

Many thanks,

I have asked and he is giving excuses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppygirl1988 · 27/04/2018 10:09

Many thanks
I have been asking and he is giving excuses, so I may have to take things into my own hands.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppygirl1988 · 27/04/2018 10:10

Hi,

Thank you for your advice I think I may have to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppygirl1988 · 27/04/2018 10:12

Again thank you,

I’m not so good with financial things as I’m only young and quite niaeve, this is great advice as is everyone who has offered some.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppygirl1988 · 27/04/2018 10:13

Many thanks I will do this

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 27/04/2018 10:26

Just go to,the bank with your debit card and ask for copy state,eats. It's financial abuse not letting you have access yo the joint account.

Does he restrict your spending ?

yummymummyperry · 27/04/2018 11:57

Could it be he feels insecure. Deep down, he feels that he is too young, too old, too fat, too thin, too poor, too stupid, or too whatever to be desirable. He uses flirtation, porn, and extramarital sex as a way to feel better about himself, to reassure himself that he is still desirable, worthwhile, and “good enough.”

Whatever the reason, perhaps you should bite the bullet and confront him

category12 · 27/04/2018 12:21

He's only 5 years older than op. Hmm

Original poster
Poppygirl1988 · 27/04/2018 12:24

No I do not think this at all, all the signs are making me very suspicious and too top it off I think I’m pregnant amongst all of this I’m in total melt down and do not know what to do for the best 😰

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 27/04/2018 12:58

Oh poppy, how are you?

What did he say about where his car was parked?

category12 · 27/04/2018 13:08

Well, do a test and then you know for sure.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 13:32

Get a good pregnancy test and do it first thing in the morning.
First morning pee is the best to use.

Were you planning a baby?
Are you pro-choice?
Would you consider a termination if it means a life free from this liar and cheat? (if that is what he is - which he is of course)
You have some time here with the pregnancy.
So no knee-jerk reactions.
See your GP and get all your options in front of you.
Decide from there.
Don't panic though. Think everything through.

yummymummyperry · 30/04/2018 10:06

Poppygirl1988,

Now with a possible baby this changes thins completely. If you are scared to confront or know he will deny, perhaps you need to get some help

Original poster
Poppygirl1988 · 30/04/2018 12:20

Hi ymmymummyperry,

Sorry I have been all over the place these last few days what do you mean get help from who? I’m at a loss of what to do

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2018 12:37

Did you find out if you are pregnant or not?
Did you speak to your GP to talk through options?
Do you have any friends you can talk to about all of this?
Did you go to the bank and ask about the joint account?
Have you spoken to CAB to see what you are entitled to with housing, benefits, tax credits etc...?
Do you have anywhere you could stay other than with him?
Start looking at your exit plan and do it fast.
This will send you insane otherwise.

I realise it's hard (I really do) but you need to get busy and practical.

Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 30/04/2018 12:45

I am so sorry to hear about your mum, and that you are going through this.
Do you have any DC with your partner?
Test to find out if you are indeed pregnant, because of you are you will need to care for yourself, and your unborn baby, there will be lots of choices about what you want to do next.
Can you take a few days off but don't tell DP, follow him to where you saw his car, or do you have someone you can trust to either go with you or someone you can lean on. If you're pregnant you won't be needing the extra stress x