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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD - warning in-law related.

40 replies

NewLevelsOfBizarre · 26/04/2018 09:27

I have been married to my DH and known my in-laws for a long time. Like a lot of families my MIL is very dominant, FIL is a wet blanket who does as told and DH's siblings toe the line. Over the years my MIL has made my life a misery many times and a few times I came close to leaving my DH. Some of the things she has said to me in the past are truly awful. However, the way she treats me is nothing compared to the way she treats her own DD's and my DH who despite this, do as they are told and are scared of her.

Back to the issue at hand. My MIL has stopped acknowledging my birthday and has obviously told my SIL's to do the same. I have not had a birthday card from them for 2 years on the trot now. In all the years I have known them I think I have had a grand total of 2 gifts off them and usually they send me a very PA card with something sarcastic on it or the cheapest card they can find and it is always sent to me on the wrong day. They used to make a point of wishing me happy b'day on the wrong day despite being told every year that it was X date. My cards used to arrive all on the same day from different parts of the country but a week later. This is just one instance of the "games" my MIL plays to show me how low I am on the pecking order. FYI she has scared off all my SIL's partners and they are both divorced.

If you were to ask my MIL about me she would probably tell you that I am not much of a DIL and I don't want to know her and her family. That is true, but that is a consequence of her behaviour over the years. I have pulled back for my own sanity and because I respect myself and this latest snub from her will be a punishment for something I haven't done or for not rising to the bait. If I rack my brains over what my MIL has done for us, the help she has given us over the years with her only DGC and when we had serious problems in our lives I would be hard pushed to think of something. I don't expect anything off her at all. I just want to highlight that I don't feel I owe her anything.

So, they no longer send me birthday cards. My DH is clearly hurt by this too but shrugs it off. If he or I said anything to them about it, it would start an argument that I can't be arsed with because she would rather die than be in the wrong. Also, she would get off on the fact that I am am upset and would see that her behaviour has an affect on me. What I have been doing is just being smiley and nice whenever I see them and keeping it superficial as if I haven't even noticed they didn't send me a card. I just can't understand how you can snub me then come over and play happy families?

Some of you are going to say go NC but the thing that stops me doing this is that my MIL has form for writing people out of her will when she doesn't get her own way. She did it to one of SIL's exH's and although I reckon she has done it to me already, I don't want to be the reason for this happening to my DH. That is the only thing that stops me from telling her to do one. That said, I do not want anything off her myself.

WWYD. On one hand I'm hurt and angry to be treated this way by someone. On the other I think that this gives me another opportunity to step further away and let her get on with her drama productions without me in it.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 26/04/2018 09:29

Yanbu but is her will worth that much that you want to keep in touch with this nasty cow??

mimibunz · 26/04/2018 09:34

In the nicest possible way, I think you and DH should find some backbone and tell her to do one. She’s a beast and you tolerate it because she might throw a few crumbs your way when she finally dies?

hellsbellsmelons · 26/04/2018 09:37

Please go NC.
Your DH doesn't have to.
He can continue to have his relationship with them but you do not need to continue to tow the line here.
I would have written them off long ago.
Has your DH read any books on this?
Get him to google 'FOG - fear obligation guilt'
Look on amazon at toxic mother books and get him to read up on it.
It may help him handle things better in the future.
But do yourself a favour and stop feeding her drama and drop all contact.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 26/04/2018 09:38

So are you happy selling your soul to the Devil?
Bet your dh would prefer to be skint and happy tbh.

tattychicken · 26/04/2018 09:40

She sounds awful but I wouldn't get so het up about birthday cards from people you don't like or respect.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2018 09:41

"Some of you are going to say go NC but the thing that stops me doing this is that my MIL has form for writing people out of her will when she doesn't get her own way".

Such toxic people like his mother use that as a control mechanism to keep people in line. Do you really want her money, she could well be vindictive enough to leave you people nothing in her will and toxic people can and do use money as a means of controlling their targets. And would you want her money anyway?. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; FILs here is one of enabler (women like his wife always need a willing enabler to help them) and your DH's seems to be one of scapegoat.

Their dysfunctional dynamic certainly predates you meeting your H and goes back to his own childhood. He is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother who is the root cause here of his family of origin's dysfunction. That is why he shrugs it off, he really is stuck. His own inertia as well when it comes to his mother too simply hurts him as well as you. It is neither his fault or yours that his mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. I would stop seeing his mother altogether; its not doing you any good in seeing her. You would not have tolerated this from a friend either.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward, your H should read Toxic Parents by the same author. Out of the Fog may be a useful website to read as well.

Original poster
NewLevelsOfBizarre · 26/04/2018 09:51

Yes, she does it to control her family. She has done it to her DD's. I've witnessed them doing massive U turns when threatened. They do not have loads of money and my DH wouldn't be bothered about the money but would be very, very taken aback by being treated that way by his parents. That is my main concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewLevelsOfBizarre · 26/04/2018 09:53

My main concern at the moment is do I say something about the cards, because that is really piss poor behaviour or do I not feed the drama and tell myself that I am further entitled to disengage disengage and disengage.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 26/04/2018 10:00

Just step back from the whole situation, it's silly to get het up over whether or not you get a birthday card - you could go all passive aggressive and say something like 'I am so pleased that we've all decided to stop sending cards, it is so much better for the environment'.

Let your DH fight is own battles, although he does sound very weak - is he like this in all areas of life? Why does he care so much when he can surely see how badly his own mother is treating her family?

Gloryificus · 26/04/2018 10:02

You know you don't want a pa card from a toxic woman and her flying minions. Start detaching and lowering your expectations in regards your dhs toxic family.
Don't waste mental energy over these people.
Your Dh needs therapy to help him build healthy mental boundaries.
The less contact you have with them the better start seeing the silver linings no card equals less contact with dysfunctional people.
Your Dh can't change them he can only change his reactions.

Bowlofbabelfish · 26/04/2018 10:05

Let them write you out. You can’t spend another thirty years pandering to someone who might do it out of spite anyway.

If they do, you shrug and you say ‘it’s your money MIL, you do what you want with it, we are fine.’ And then what control do they have over you? None.

Newtothis2017 · 26/04/2018 10:19

I have never received a birthday card from my mil and my dm has never sent my dh a birthday card. They are both lovely people. Do you really care about a birthday card? Also, why would you be in her will? That is a genuine question.wht was sil exh in her will? Surely, it is her own children in the will. And don't spend the next however years doing what you are told for an inheritance. There might be no money left

hellsbellsmelons · 26/04/2018 10:24

No - do not mention the card.
That would just give the response they want.
Ignore it all!
Do NOT send any of his family cards in the future.
If your DH wants to send cards then he is more than welcome to do so.
But you stop as of now.

Original poster
NewLevelsOfBizarre · 26/04/2018 10:29

Newtothis, I am not in their will. DH and his siblings are in it. MIL has on many occasions threatened to cut her DD's out of her will because of their partners shortcomings. Her reason is that "they are not getting their hands on any of my money". MIL did actually tell me that she went to a solicitor when her eldest DD was married to make sure her DH didn't benefit from any of her money after she died because she didn't like him.

OP posts:
EweDoEwe · 26/04/2018 10:36

Disengage from it all.

You clearly dislike her so why do you give a crap that she doesn’t send you a birthday card?

Leave the sending of all cards to his family, to your DH.

Just stay pleasantly detached from it all.

Dancingleopard · 26/04/2018 10:44

Honestly go NC. Your mental health is way more important than any money/will .

People can be evil and twisted and it’s hard not to get caught up in the tit for tat.

I went NC for three years with mil and it was like a nuclear bomb went off, I was prepared to leave but dh on seeing I’d been pushed to my limits supported me. I didn’t care if he saw her, I was just happy with her being banned from my home, I finally had a safe space I could ignore her in.

We’ve ‘made up’ at the moment as their is an important event we are both invited too and she wouldn’t have been allowed to come to unless I said. But I know afterwards it will rev up again as it already is. And I’ll go NC again.

Fundamentally people do not change. So are you really going to spend the next ten or how many years it is till she dies feeling like shit?

It’s just not worth it. Flowers

Jon66 · 26/04/2018 10:56

I have a similar issue with grown up stepdaughters, and I gave up a while back. Dont bother anymore worrying about them and their response to me and it feels good. We can't control what other people do, but we can choose our response. It is empowering. I always think if we take the high ground and smile sweetly and let it all go over our head, that's something to be proud of lol

SandAndSea · 26/04/2018 11:16

I wouldn't mention about the card, it's nothing compared to living with so much unpleasantness. I would also detach and leave all presents and cards to your husband to sort out.

QuiteLikely5 · 26/04/2018 11:23

Do not mention the cards at all. You are not dealing with rational people so as you are predicting the fall out will be disproportionate.

I say smile nicely, be civil, give brief answers and be out of the room making coffees or whatever as much as you can during visits

Then learn how to stop focusing on them.

You won’t change these people, they won’t suddenly like you. They are dysfunctional and best avoided where possible

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 26/04/2018 11:37

How often do you have to actually see this ridiculous woman? Let her have her petty birthday card nonsense! Can you imagine what a truly miserable person she must be on the inside? Knowing her own children wouldn’t even talk to her unless she held their inheritance over their heads? She must be so angry and unhappy.

Don’t be like her. Reduce contact to the bare minimum and make all contact through your husband. Say you’re busy doing a course or something.

Life is too short.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 26/04/2018 11:46

If you don't want to see her then don't. Who gives a crap about birthday cards anyway. Jeez it's really not worth putting up with all the stress over some money in a will, which for all you know will be spent on care home fees or left to the dog's home. You could spend the next 30 years begging her to like you and she could still leave you no money at the end of it.

Mitzimaybe · 26/04/2018 12:12

My mother once tried the "I will write you out of my will" trick when I was dating a man she didn't like. I just told her that it was her money to dispose of as she wanted, also that I hoped she would live for many more decades and therefore it wouldn't make much impact on my life anyway.

Mitzimaybe · 26/04/2018 12:14

Oh and birthday cards are really not worth getting het up about. Honestly, the cards don't matter. Helping your husband to see the toxic relationship for what it is and hopefully enabling him to be less in thrall to her would be the best thing to do. The books and website mentioned upthread might help. Good luck; you're going to need it.

ittakes2 · 26/04/2018 12:26

She sounds awful - you need your power back. For a start NEVER open the cards. Write RTS on them and pop them back in the post if you like - or just dump them straight in the bin. Better still - tear them into little pieces before you dump them in the bin. Also, make sure you do not do anything for her like get her birthday cards or presents. Make this your husband's job. You don't have to go nc but you could go low contact. I found with my m'n'law, it hurt to make an effort with her only to feel like it was thrown back in my face by some of her actions or lack of them. Its bliss going low contact - if I don't make an effort and I have no expectations of her than she can not disappoint or upset me. Live your life with no expectations of your in laws - that way you can never be disappointed.

Joanna57 · 26/04/2018 12:39

This sounds very much like the relationship that I had with my DS wife.

I went NC with both of them, which shocked the living daylights out of them - they didn't think I would dare because of their children.

But I did, a few years ago, and I have kept it up.

They are not in my will, neither are their children. My DD, her husband and my DGC will inherit everything I own, on condition that her brother gets nothing.

Just go NC.