WWYD - warning in-law related.

[NewLevelsOfBizarre]

I have been married to my DH and known my in-laws for a long time. Like a lot of families my MIL is very dominant, FIL is a wet blanket who does as told and DH's siblings toe the line. Over the years my MIL has made my life a misery many times and a few times I came close to leaving my DH. Some of the things she has said to me in the past are truly awful. However, the way she treats me is nothing compared to the way she treats her own DD's and my DH who despite this, do as they are told and are scared of her.

Back to the issue at hand. My MIL has stopped acknowledging my birthday and has obviously told my SIL's to do the same. I have not had a birthday card from them for 2 years on the trot now. In all the years I have known them I think I have had a grand total of 2 gifts off them and usually they send me a very PA card with something sarcastic on it or the cheapest card they can find and it is always sent to me on the wrong day. They used to make a point of wishing me happy b'day on the wrong day despite being told every year that it was X date. My cards used to arrive all on the same day from different parts of the country but a week later. This is just one instance of the "games" my MIL plays to show me how low I am on the pecking order. FYI she has scared off all my SIL's partners and they are both divorced.

If you were to ask my MIL about me she would probably tell you that I am not much of a DIL and I don't want to know her and her family. That is true, but that is a consequence of her behaviour over the years. I have pulled back for my own sanity and because I respect myself and this latest snub from her will be a punishment for something I haven't done or for not rising to the bait. If I rack my brains over what my MIL has done for us, the help she has given us over the years with her only DGC and when we had serious problems in our lives I would be hard pushed to think of something. I don't expect anything off her at all. I just want to highlight that I don't feel I owe her anything.

So, they no longer send me birthday cards. My DH is clearly hurt by this too but shrugs it off. If he or I said anything to them about it, it would start an argument that I can't be arsed with because she would rather die than be in the wrong. Also, she would get off on the fact that I am am upset and would see that her behaviour has an affect on me. What I have been doing is just being smiley and nice whenever I see them and keeping it superficial as if I haven't even noticed they didn't send me a card. I just can't understand how you can snub me then come over and play happy families?

Some of you are going to say go NC but the thing that stops me doing this is that my MIL has form for writing people out of her will when she doesn't get her own way. She did it to one of SIL's exH's and although I reckon she has done it to me already, I don't want to be the reason for this happening to my DH. That is the only thing that stops me from telling her to do one. That said, I do not want anything off her myself.

WWYD. On one hand I'm hurt and angry to be treated this way by someone. On the other I think that this gives me another opportunity to step further away and let her get on with her drama productions without me in it.

Let the cards thing go, on the scale of things it's just not that big a deal.

Ok she clearly doesn't like you, but there's no way you can force her to and getting offended over birthday cards just isn't worth it.

What I have been doing is just being smiley and nice whenever I see them and keeping it superficial as if I haven't even noticed they didn't send me a card.

Seems to me this is the best possible way of handling it. If she disinherits your husband, so be it. Smile and nod, smile and nod and let her get on with her games. See her as little as you can.

Your husband is clearly going to be upset by her because that's what she wants, to play power games. The best thing you can do is read Toxic Parents and try to gently get him to see what she's doing, why, and prepare for how to deal with it.

Agree absolutely with SeaEagleFeather.

When there seems to be some dosh in the offing I wouldn't risk disinheritance for the sake of a birthday card.

Word of warning though: I grinned in the face of my mil's awfulness for years. She had to go into a home and then so did fil. All their money (they were the tightest pair on the planet) went in care home fees. I expect they're punching the air that their dcs didn't get a penny.

Radio silence from you is now necessary.

Do not respond to anything that gets sent late from your MIL; to such disordered people the response is the reward because they know they have you then (this is why you do not return items to such disordered of thinking people). Best to shred such items and/or otherwise bin them without opening.

I get on really well with my SILs but in all the years I have known them they have never once sent me a birthday card. It is such a trivial thing to be bothered about, really who cares? As long as your own family remembers your birthday what difference does it make to your life? If they are being horrible to you generally then that would be a different matter but thinking of cutting contact over lack of a birthday card is ridiculous.

Unless your husband is prepared to go no contact for his and your benefit, then I would say to kill them with kindness. Lovebomb them. Be overly solicitous, buy them the most awful, gushing cards and really thoughtful presents for their birthdays and make a big deal of it. Treat them as if they're super special to you.That'll frustrate the hell out of them.

I wouldn't say anything about the cards - in fact I would be relieved that they don't feature on my birthday at all. Sounds great not to be reminded of toxic people like this on your special day.

Then disengage to as low contact as you can manage. Avoid discussing them. My inlaws are toxic too (predates me) - different MO but net result is the same. DH and I have both disengaged as much as we can (not enough though - our moods tank whenever there is contact) and keep contact to a minimum.

Whatever you do they may not include your DH in their will. They will probably attempt to hurt and manipulate from beyond the grave anyway even if you do toe the line.

Don't give her the pleasure of knowing you've noticed the lack of cards to you.

Keep sending her cards regardless and kill her with kindness.

If she's as toxic and manipulative as you say she is and know she has already cut in laws from her will then it's highly likely she's sorted it so you aren't to benefit from anything she leaves her ds (your dh).

On that basis I'd guess he's likely to be left a family photo album and a pile of tat.

Don't allow her to trample all over you and your marriage for fear of being disinherited of her tat.

Someone like her will never allow money to go your way.

She will want control beyond the grave.

if she ever did threaten to cut you out of her will, you should just laugh in her stupid face and say anything she did leave you both would get donated to charity anyway (preferably a charity she'd hate to support)

I think you have to let the money go; nothing is worth being jerked around by someone who's playing power games.

The essence here is your husband's well being and how far a relationship with her is necessary and how healthy it is. Life being endurable for you is also important, but cards aren't that important. Ok she's slighting you - but it's not like you like her or want to be friends with her is it, so does it really matter?

It really isn't worth being nice to someone for the sake of a will. Someone like that can chop and change and may still leave everything to the dogs home.

Break free but bit by bit without giving her the satisfaction of any drama.

My knob of a SIL never acknowledges my birthday which I can just about deal with, but she also ignores my childrens birthday despite the fact I always buy her DS a present. I gave her a calendar once with their birthdays written on it . But I now ignore her petty bitch behaviour as well as her birthday. If DH remembers she gets something. You just know your Mil will play dumb so just ignore and behave like you don't care. That will really pee her off.

I'd be tempted to put a picture up on FB of all my birthday cards titled "All my birthday cards from the people I love most xxx". But then I am a bitch

Seriously, just stop caring. You could cause them no greater pain than that.

Don’t mention the card, don’t mention anything, just don’t engage at all. So what your dh May get cut out if the will, there’s more to life than inheritance. She may leave it to the cats home, or end up in a home and all her money gone. Life is way too short to put up with that crap

Who really gives a fuck about the possibility of getting an inheritance versus your sanity and peace of mind? Are you really that materialistic OP?

If you dont like her and she doesn’t add value to your life, fuck her off and don’t look back. Grow a pair.

You say you expect nothing from them but you are expecting a birthday card? If you've withdrawn from them and don't like them why would a birthday card make any difference? Surely it would be superficial.