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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU to expect to call me every day?

31 replies

Duck77 · 26/04/2018 07:27

So me and my partner been together for over 3 years. He last year got a job that requires him to work abroad about 20 weeks a year. It's a bit random, some months he is away up to 3 weeks some months he doesn't go at all -which is fine. No kids so no problems apart from me feeling I am not his girlfriend when he is away.

I know he's working hard but the communication is poor when he's away, of course he's busy I have no doubt but I don't really get nice messages from him or any caring... it just feels like I'm not his girlfriend. I'm fed up with the 'hi how you doing? x' messages... and sometimes a call would be nice which he does call every so often but he's just not there... I know he is working but he works abroad and I miss him and finding hard to believe he doesn't have 5 minutes to spare to call or send a message that doesn't feel so feelingless ...

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 26/04/2018 07:34

If I'm away I give my husband a quick daily call, as much to check everything's OK at home as for his sake - but I'm never away for more than a week, and never outside the UK, so it's perhaps not comparable. Are there time-zone issues that make it difficult for him to call you at a sensible time when he's not actually working? I think in your shoes I would expect a bit more, even if a daily call wasn't practical.

Original poster

Duck77 · 26/04/2018 07:37

Sometimes yes there are time zone issues but right now he is in France so ...🙄

OP posts:

whiteradiator · 26/04/2018 07:44

Maybe not a daily call you could try and have a daily call but it's not always possible. There are lots of LDR advice online especially relating to phone calls. He is definitely out there isn't he. You see those stories where they are in another country or living somewhere else and they are actually living with someone else

Original poster

Duck77 · 26/04/2018 07:47

Haha, yes I am a100% sure he's working. I know totally get it a daily call is not always an option but as I mention in the description maybe some texts that aren't just the hi how are you ones? Something that makes you feel all is good, were still good, he's busy working but still cares?!

OP posts:

SoapOnARoap · 26/04/2018 08:00

I wouldn’t do this or expect it in these circumstances unless there was something urgent to discuss

whiteradiator · 26/04/2018 08:24

You could dirty text him when he's not at work, make him want your body when he gets back

Shoxfordian · 26/04/2018 08:24

Why would you think he doesn't care? Is your relationship good otherwise? I think you shld try to distract yourself with your own friends and interests whilst he's away

category12 · 26/04/2018 08:35

Maybe you're just not compatible. It's OK to need more than he gives. He's not doing anything wrong either, if his need for contact is lower.

But if it makes you unhappy, you might want to rethink the relationship and look for someone who doesn't work away.

eljay2 · 26/04/2018 08:49

In similar circumstances and we try to Skype chat every day for 5-30 mins.

Then the odd text msg throughout the day depending on respective timezones and work commitments. Mostly drivel though, I'm not sure it helps to go on about how you're missing each other as you can't do anything about it! A goodnight msg too.The odd photo (of the dog mainly).

I think once you go over a week away at a time you need regular contact to reinforce the relationship and just keep an interest in each others day-to-day lives.

I don't think I'd be happy with what you're describing.

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/04/2018 09:02

I’m rarely away from my fiancé but was for a few days recently. We texted throughout the day and 30 minutes to 1 hour face time every evening. But everyone is different!

something2say · 26/04/2018 09:14

That's not the thing isn't it, everyone is different. I also think 'hi how are you' is ok as contact. But it does depend on what else he is like. For example I was seeing a man who would say 'how are you' every day and be generally quiet company. I talked much ,ore than he did. But he was incredibly tactile and there was no doubting his feelings for me. If your email not getting what you need, maybe the poster who advised to rethink it was right?

Pickleypickles · 26/04/2018 09:21

My dad works away monday to thrusday, longer if hes going abroad and he manages to phone my mum at some point every day for 5 mins even with time differences so no i dont think its too much to ask.

ShatnersWig · 26/04/2018 09:24

OP Do you send him a text every day that would be classed as ones that would "make you feel all is good, we're still good"? Do you call him occasionally? Are you expecting him to do things you don't do yourself?

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2018 09:25

It does seem like a communication mismatch, he is making contact but you want him to be more romantic.Some people are just not like that.I do know how you feel as ex was similar and his communication tended to sound formal..he does it now with the dc so I can see that it's him.

Do you believe he cares for you? I suspect the issue is deeper as after 3 years are you expecting more commitment.

Original poster

Duck77 · 26/04/2018 09:46

Yeah we have had our ups and downs. And I mean ups - like extremely happy times and down times - not like rock bottom but yes being honest we had downtimes.

I personally think he's a bit confused about his life. Not just me but his work and himself, sometimes I feel like he hasn't quite find himself yet. I mean it's fine he's the sweetest and we have a fun time but no pressure about kids or marriage. All I want is to be shown he loves me and that he cares. That's it... and I need a 5 minute phone call every other day and I mean 5 minutes! And some nicer/more romantic texts.

I don't call him when he's away cause I know he's busy, managing a big group or people (20-40) and clients and I don't want to be needy and clingy. Also I tried a couple of times before and I found it that I just disturbed him so yeah that's put me off

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 26/04/2018 09:49

So you do expect him to do something that you yourself don't do? You know he's busy so you don't call or text him, but you still expect him to? You don't want to be needy and clingy, but you still expect him to?

Sounds a big imbalance here.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/04/2018 09:53

I totally get it OP. Me and DH have been together for 25 years now, and in the beginning he travelled loads. He's called me every single day we've been apart (back in the mist of time when I didn't have a mobile and time zones were tricky he used to fax me at work!). It was this habit that convinced me he was serious about me, that I was his priority.

It doesn't have to be a long, loving conversation - sometimes it's been him walking to work from a hotel while I'm going to bed - but a 'hey, I'm thinking about you' is worth an awful lot. And if he's the one that's away, I think it has to come from him, otherwise you risk calling when he's in the middle of something.

Have you told him how you feel about this?

SandAndSea · 26/04/2018 10:05

My DP went away for work for several weeks and was working his arse off with time differences. We both wanted to contact each other as much as possible but at least every day, often twice. He was missing me and home generally and really wanted to be in touch with me. It sounds like you've got a mis-match with your partner. I would try talking to him about what you'd like.

Ohyesiam · 26/04/2018 10:08

So how is he about it when you ask for what you want?

dirtybadger · 26/04/2018 11:18

DP and I were LD for first 2-3 years. Never called each other. Saw him every 4-6 weeks for 1-2 nights. He has been living a bit closer for last 6 months so see him once every week or two. Still never make phonecalls. Neither of us like speaking on the phone. I dont know the last time I called someone outside of work....

If he doesnt like speaking on the phone (generally) then thats just how he is. Its a bit hard to comment on the content of the messages he sends. If he sends you one every day or two asking how you are, and then doesnt even bother replying again, then thats a bit weird. But if you get a few general messages with some sentiment of missing you now and again then seems okay to me?

mindutopia · 26/04/2018 11:39

My dh and I were apart for about 2.5 years when we were dating (this was due to education/professional commitments on both our parts and immigration issues on my part, we needed to get married for me to easily move to the UK, which we eventually did obviously). We saw each other every 2-3 months, but between that time we mostly kept in touch by email and gchat (probably would be WhatsApp now). Honestly, we almost never called each other! We were often busy, usually one of us was at work (8 hour time difference), and I just don’t think you can have a meaningful conversation in 5 minutes by phone. I’d rather chat or email. But we did talk nearly every day. Some days we were just super busy and the timing didn’t work out, but most days we did.

I think what’s key is that if you have a serious relationship, you connect with each other most days. But the medium for that connection doesn’t matter as long as it’s meaningful. We never talked by phone, but we had deep and lengthy conversations about our future plans, values, day to day life, family stresses, etc via chat and email. We had ‘dates’ like on a Friday evening (late afternoon for me, he’d stay up til midnight/1am), both have a few glasses of wine/beer and sit in front of the computer and talk for hours. We only lived in the same place for the first 7 months or so of our relationship so this was the bulk of how we ‘dated.’

So like I don’t think having a 5 minute call matters (I hate talking on the phone and would have considered that a hassle), but you have to have meaningful, deep conversations however works for you if you’re long distance. That’s what I would focus on if you are serious about this relationship. If he isn’t willing to do that, then yes, that’s a concern.

MMmomDD · 26/04/2018 12:01

OP - if after several years of dating you need daily reassurances that ‘you are OK’ - than something is definitely NOT Ok.

You can’t ask someone to be affectionate on a specified daily schedule. These things only mean anything if they come naturally.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 26/04/2018 12:07

Been with my DP six years and he often works away.

I don't really expect a call every day by any means, the odd message every day or every other day, yes.

adaline · 26/04/2018 12:44

I'd find this a bit suffocating really. Do you live together?

How much reassurance are you asking for? He texts you everyday and calls you when he can - I think that's pretty normal when someone is working away and busy with clients, to be honest. If he was in the office, would you expect this much contact?

I know it might seem like he's out socialising when he's with clients, but he's networking and it can be pretty draining to do that day-in, day-out with no break in the evenings. Could you perhaps look at it differently - he's away working so that's his priority. He speaks to you as and when he can, but you can't expect to be his primary focus when he's at work - even when that work involves going out in the evenings and not sitting in an office.

I have a job where I can't use my phone or send personal e-mails etc. unless I'm on a break. That's just how it is. And when we have meetings in the evenings, it's still work, even though we might be in a pub or restaurant or bar. My focus is on the people I'm with (my colleagues) - if I get a moment (ie. when we're ordering, or I've gone to the loo) I might send a quick text to DP but it wouldn't be long-winded or affectionate - maybe just a "miss you, hope you're okay" then it would be back to it.

How do you occupy yourself when he's away with work? Do you have your own hobbies etc?

adaline · 26/04/2018 12:46

All I want is to be shown he loves me and that he cares. That's it... and I need a 5 minute phone call every other day and I mean 5 minutes! And some nicer/more romantic texts.

I find it a bit worrying that you "need" that after three years. I'd feel a bit suffocated if my partner expected me to send him romantic texts and phone him every other day!

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