BF driving me mad, acting weird, think it's over :-(

[Bushbaby66]

I'm going mad and I don't know what to do.....

Not had any contact with my bf for 24hrs, no texts etc. Very out of character. He was chatting to me early yesterday morning (he wakes really early for work and I don't sleep much so we tend to start texting at ridiculous o clock ) and all seemed ok but then he suddenly disappeared off the radar. He's suffers from chronic anxiety and mild depression and is having a difficult time at the moment but he seemed ok in himself.

I was really busy during the day and suddenly realised it was gone 7pm and he hasn't texted me all day and had basically gone to bed without saying anything to me, again very out of character.

This morning no early morning texts, again really unusual.

At this point I'm a bit pissed. If I went a whole day with no communication he'd get upset so I've messaged him asking what's going on but now only have 1 tick on WhatsApp which means my message has sent but not been delivered to his phone, again this has never happened before. My first thought was has he blocked me but I can still see his profile picture and I can't understand why he'd do that.

We've been together nearly a year, he says he loves me etc. We see each other every weekend and keep in touch pretty much constantly so this behaviour has knocked me for six and now I'm over thinking everything and worrying. He was only reassuring me on Sunday about how much he loves me so I can't understand why he'd be behaving like this towards me.

Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me or maybe he's struggling and needs help. I'm going to try phoning him in a bit but if I can't get through to him I don't know what I should do. I have his mother's number and I'm wondering if I should message her if I don't hear from him? Just so she can go and check on him. I'd go over there myself but I would have to take my youngest DS with me and I'm nervous to do that if my bf doesn't want to see me.

I'm going mad worrying and just feel sick with anxiety :-(

Think if I respond now it'll turn into an argument so need a bit of time to cool off and think about what to say.

Spot on @MsHomeSlice

He does sound needy and controlling.

OP, I think you really need to look at what you are getting out of this relationship.

Very little, by the sounds of it.

I think you can do so much better.

What MrsHomeSlice work; this man's actions were deliberate and designed to have you worried about him. It was a test that you failed as that poster has described.

Re your comment:-

"I get he's struggling, I really do, I suffer from anxiety too"

That is why he honed in on you as he has; you were targeted by him and will use your own anxiety against you. He simply wants to drag you down with him into his pit; he wants to take you down to make his own self feel less inadequate. If as you say you love this man with all your heart I am wondering what you have learnt about relationships to date and what your boundaries are because poor boundaries as well also let these chancers in.

Honestly I would dump him and tell him this is no longer working for you; if you do not he will continue to pull these types of stunts on you and more besides to keep you with him and worrying about him. I would think that he has upped the power and control antes already to date against you and this is a further escalation of same. And as for his mother, like mother like son. The rotten apple did not fall far from the rotten tree.

Op do you want to spend your life playing games to satisfy someone's need for a controlling, emotinally abusive, self centred and disrespectful relationship?

This does not sound like a healthy relationship OP... if you can't go a day without communicating without jumping to the conclusion it's over then I think you should consider if this is the right guy for you (I've been there so this is meant in the nicest possible way).

You said he runs a business from home, so his phone is always charged? But it ran out of charge? Does that sound likely to you?

I wonder if he's finding working and keeping a relationship going to be harder work than he thought. It was fine being with you when he didn't work, because he had plenty of energy to put into being in a couple, and now he just finds it's too much?

Maybe suggest that you have some time away from each other to let him settle in to being back at work. Working unsociable hours is a drain on anyone, let alone if your MH is a bit rocky. And maybe he's not right for you anyway. So a break should show you whether he's just needing time to sort himself, or whether he really isn't prepared to stretch himself to a job AND a girlfriend.

We've had a long chat, he's admitted he was an arse. Has apologised and said he's so sorry that he's in a "shitty mood". Says he's worried about letting on how bad things are for him emotionally in case it's too much for me or brings me down. He's worried he'll lose me. Ive pointed put going to bed without messaging me brings me down but I'm ok if he communicates with me and keeps me informed. He's agreed he needs to go back to the doctor and has asked me to go with him

Apparently his business partner hasn't been pulling his weight with a new business project they've been working on. They were supposed to spend yesterday working on it but business partner ended up ditching and not helping. BF has a lot invested and is now having to do everything on his own. He's getting stressed because this is his ticket out of his regular stressful job and he wants it to work so we can think about moving in together. His current job makes living together tricky due to working hours.

Then he's been having difficulties with people in the flat above him making lots of noise and she flooded his balcony because she doesn't have trays under her plant pots. He was out there working and trying to get some fresh air and his laptop nearly got ruined.

So he basically said he completely lost it and just went to bed. Didn't even think about putting his phone on charge.

We've discussed the texting thing. He says I never initiate a conversation and if he doesnt text me first I won't text him. In fairness there is some truth in this, although I explained that as he gets up at 2am logic states he'd send the first message. Also explained I get nervous to message him in the morning if I haven't heard from him in case he's sleeping. He's made it clear he'd rather I wake him then me not texting.

Ive made it clear that I respect he's having a tough time but I won't put up with him disappearing on me like that again. I've said he must just send a simple message saying he's having a tough time and going off to bed. He admitted he would've been upset if I did that

In fairness to him we've been together a while and it's ok I the last few weeks that things have been difficult. He's normally very supportive and caring. He looked after me when I had surgery a few months ago, even took on my kids for a few days. Dropped everything when DS2 fell down the stairs and broke his collarbone. He's there when I need him but I think at the moment he just needs me to be there for him and just support him through this rough patch.

Just going to take it day by day and hope we can get through his rough patch.

I think when we enter into a relationship we have a responsibility to ourselves and our partners to be in relatively good shape emotionally. Of course we all struggle at times which is fine and understandable but we should be generally well enough to cope with thinking of others needs as well as our own, as this is what a relationship involves.

If he’s not able to do this then he’s maybe not well enough to be in a relationship at the moment and should focus on his wellbeing and recovery first. You cannot love him out of his issues.

I've suffered from anxiety all my life and have my moments of relaspse. It's not fair to say someone shouldn't persue a relationship if they struggle with their emotional state. Often a healthy relationship can help a lot.

He's been having a relaspse since Christmas. Came and lived with me for a few weeks while he adjusted and started some new meds and we went from strength to strength. It's since he's gone back to work that he's taken a real knock. He works in a very high stress public sector role and has been effected by things he's had to deal with in that role. He knows he needs to get out and he's been trying to find ways. And also work need to support him more which they've acknowledged. They've thrown him back in the deep end and it's just been too much for him.

Sure, but we all have stress in our lives and shit we have to deal with. Sounds as though his stress management strategies aren’t the best. Hopefully therapy will help, if he actually goes along and engages with it.

It's not fair to say someone shouldn't persue a relationship if they struggle with their emotional state. Often a healthy relationship can help a lot.

How do you know this?. How has your long term anxiety helped you in any relationship; it has not. Your relationship with him is itself not an emotionally healthy; you seem to be two people who are clinging onto each other for your own needs. You may also be confusing love here with codependency. This man has pursued a relationship with you and you seem to have fallen into the trap of perhaps trying to rescue or save him from his own self and demons. Its down to him ultimately to help his own self here and he has treated you very poorly. You're too close, arguably overinvested and not qualified to help him. Do not stay with him purely out of being together for a while now.

Love your own self for a change.

You know that prior to mobile phones and computers, people would phone each other maybe once a day on the landline or send letters weekly between meet-ups. There wasn’t this constant incessant need to be in contact that causes chronic anxiety if one person dares not to respond in an appropriate time. I don’t think it’s healthy at all. So what if he always texts first? Why on earth does that bother him? And just because you hadn’t heard from him for a day, shouldn’t mean you are driven to a point of anxiety fearing the worst. It’s so, so needy and suffocating.

It’s not supposed to be this hard, this soon into a relationship

He’s playing games, pull-me-push-you, and his little comments about who texts who First etc is 100% proof of all of this being nonsense

You don’t treat people like this.

He’s fishing elsewhere and had a date and went off grid.

Either that or he’s a manipulative arse who is now showing you who he is.

Allow him this and it’s only the beginning

It’s not sounding anything like a decent relationship love, cut your losses.

I'd rethink living with this guy. There's nothing worse than living with some moody guy.

I don't know, I thought it sounded like a really good open discussion? OP was assertive, DP was apologetic. Both brought up their issues and identified ways of avoided these in future (DP goes to GP & agrees not to go AWOL again, OP texts in the morning and doesn't worry about waking him). For me that's healthy communication and a good sign for the relationship.

I know you were worried and it would have been nice for him to text you to say "I'm alive." or something along those lines... but if you're really depressed, you have no desire to do anything and rational thinking isn't there. Perhaps don't be so annoyed with him. I've cut people off before and not responded because I thought they'd be better off without me. Your mind tells you horrible things and makes you feel as though you shouldn't be a burden on others. It's not an easy thing to fight against. I feel really sorry for him and I hope that he gets the help that he needs. I think medication in conjunction with therapy would be a good idea for him.

@HollowTalk you clearly have no experience of depression and how horrible it is. To call him "some moody guy" shows how ignorant you are. If you love someone, you want to be there for them and care for them any way you can. That means the good and the bad.

On the contrary, @claire90ftm, I have years and years of experience of living with someone with depression. Decades, in fact.

This guy has admitted he was an arse. The OP suffers from anxiety and he was fuelling that.

Interesting you picked on my post, when many others were saying how abusive he was.

Not a year in, and all this already? It sounds as if your relationship will be tiring but if you can cope OP I wish you luck. Both of you for now could try picking up the phone more - I never understand heavy reliance on messaging between couples. Words on a screen tapping away, instead of wanting to hear each other's voices, strikes me as strangely impersonal

Pass him back to his mum. You don't need this youngster.

Claire - maybe so, but then he shouldn't be starting a new relationship like this.

It's fucking hard work being the partner of someone who is seriously depressed. I sure as hell wouldn't have signed up for it had I known it would be like it is.

He sounds like a bloody drama queen to me, woe is me etc. Tell him to grow a pair and stop feeling sorry for himself or you will LTB.