To divorce or not divorce...

[em55]

So to cut a long story short, I decided to divorce my husband after I found out he was sleeping with a woman almost 20 years younger than me. Things got very messy at home, I went through hell, lost a tonne of weight, didn't sleep, barely existed, just about managed to hold together my home, my job and my animals (no children, just a horse and dogs). Somehow I eventually came out the other side, cheered up, decided it's time to do some online dating. Met amazing man on my second attempt. Instant connection, amazing guy, I was thrilled. As my decree nisi still hadn't (and still hasn't) come through at that point, I felt that bringing the new man to my home would be morally wrong, so I refused. He, being a divorcee for 7 years, was keen to "mark his territory" by being allowed into my home. He pushed for commitment from me very early on, said he wanted more than just sex, seemed enthralled with me, was super keen - although he went through a brief period of not quite ghosting, but certainly cutting back on his constant amorous texting and calling after I'd finally slept with him the first time (which was a huge deal for me, maybe not for him as he's been single for ages, but I was still massively disappointed). Meanwhile, I felt I had to tell my (still) husband I'd met somebody else - which has now resulted in him desperately wanting me back. Like, I mean, DESPERATE. He will do anything. Which is, TBH, a little bit suffocating. So I'm torn between going ahead with the divorce (the relationship he had with the younger woman is long since over, and I can forgive it as I've been unfaithful myself in the past and I admit I'd neglected him and I understand that he's nearly 50 and having a bit of a midlife crisis, shit happens, it's life) or do I walk away, get my divorce and give it a bash with the new man? I told the new man that I'm "not ready", I need to get my divorce finalised before I fully immerse myself into the murky world of online dating. His reply was "please come back to me when you are ready". I now can't get this out of my mind. Is it the romance of the century waiting for me, or do I stay put with husband for the convenience? I will add that I am very blessed in that I have a very nice lifestyle, which I very much depend on my husband for. The new guy would easily be able to provide a similar lifestyle, not that I'm gold digging, it sounds like I am, but I'm really not, I just don't feel attracted to men who aren't successful in their careers... Still sounds a bit like I'm gold digging, but in all honesty, I just have a type. Doesn't everyone? The new guy I've met, is sort of like an upgrade of my husband. Similar in so many ways - yet subtly different. Can I trust my instinct with a man I barely know and who hasn't exactly shown me that much commitment apart from many a deep felt sentence spoken in passionate circumstances? Or should I stay with the husband of 13 years who did cheat on me but I sincerely believe he didn't mean to and he regrets it badly and he will always think I am the love of his life? I'm scared of being single in my mid 40s, I won't lie. Terrified even. But I don't know if I love my husband anymore... I have been through hell and back. Will I ever get over that?

I'd get rid of them both, to be honest. Neither sound like they're exactly prime catches.

He's desperate to have you back because you've found a new love interest.

Did you cheat on your DH or in another relationship?

Personally I'd get divorced...get my financial settlement and take it from there.

Agree with pps. The fact that you are even asking the question tells me you need some time on your own to get your balance back, regain your confidence and then decide what to do.
Neither of them sounds great to be honest,

I cheated on DH in the early years of our marriage. Just a bit of a mid 30s phase I was going through, fancied "a bit of rough" so went with a guy way beneath my league, just to feel like I was being put on a piedestal. Got found out, DH went mad but didn't divorce me in the end. It has, however, scarred us. He still talks about it to this day...
The new guy I've met I barely know, yet, being a stupid romantic fool, I keep dreaming up dreams in my head that he might be perfect. He's more or less everything I'd want in a man. And he seems keen too, but not exactly showering me in gestures or anything to win me over. But then he wouldn't, I'm not even divorced yet... Or am I making excuses? If a man wants you, will they do anything to win you over, even if you aren't divorced yet?

I think you're right in that your earlier affair scarred your husband. It leaves pain and hurt that never really goes away. I think you two should break up and start different relationships.

The new guy sounds awful, tbh. Really awful. Ghosting you, marking his patch... those aren't the signs of a guy you should be involved with.

He didn’t mean to have an affair? How’s goes one accidentally have an affair?

If you went through hell as you say a couple of times, I can’t see why you’d think about taking him back. Bizarre.

The new man doesn’t sound like much of a catch either. Marking his territory is gross. Makes me feel queasy.

You sound like you measure your worth entirely on the man you’re with. Forties isn’t too old to change that and work out who you are on your own, without being put on a pedestal by someone you deem unworthy of you, or showered with stuff by someone who’s job pays enough for you to value you them.

How about supporting yourself. Working out what really makes you tick. Braving the world alone for a bit and maybe meeting someone who’s a real match for you.

Is this for real!!?? Great story if so.
I think you’ll get 6/10 in your local Wednesday night creative writing course.
Spelling a bit off though.

I see your points and I agree. So let's slightly change the subject. If I do decide to go ahead with the divorce and leave DH, what do I do with the new guy? Do I then contact him saying "I'M READY" (can't bear the thought of that) or do I wait for him to contact me in a few months asking if I'm there yet? And in the meantime, do I expect him to reach out on the occasional basis just checking in? I haven't told him I'm thinking of reconciliation with DH, just said I'm not ready to date, I need to do the honourable thing and get a divorce first, at which point he begged me to come back once I am, indeed, ready. I still think he should check if I'm ready in the meantime, don't you? Or at least touch base on a regular basis to make sure I don't forget (fat chance of that, but he doesn't know as I've always held back, never shown any interest in anything serious, always played it super cool). It's been 2 days since all this has gone on, by the way...

Why not just be on your own for a while if you do get divorced?

You sound like a dick OP i fancied a bit of rough so went with a guy way beneath my league that guy had a lucky escape if you ask me.

No. Clearly if you tell him you’re not ready, the only way to show he’s heard you and is respecting your wishes and your boundaries is to leave you alone until you contact him.

You sound like you’re testing him and he’ll only prove his worth if he woos you adequately to show he can’t live without you. Which makes you sound a bit desperate to be honest.

Make a clean break with both of them. Stand on your own two capable, grownup feet for a bit.

Being on your own might sound scary but to be it sounds far more terrifying to need a man to validate you.

You’re an adult woman. Living alone without a suitor while you get your shit together isn’t going to kill you. It might even make you stronger. You never know.

An upgrade of your husband.

You sound like you think you're in a novel.

Is the new guy even an option? If he almost ghosted you after the first ("disappointing") shag, it doesn't look very promising. 🤔

At the moment you're not with your almost exDH and you're not with the "newman" aka rubbish sex.

You are actually single - is it as scary as you imagined?

I feel a lot of hatred from my thread. I guess it makes me come across as a privileged fool. I now want to remove it. How do I even do that? Don't forget, my issues might seem trivial to some, but to me they are heartfelt and serious. I thought I was going to lose everything, I was terrified. Then I found my feet again. Someone showed me a bit of attention and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Now I have the chance of going back to what I thought was a perfect life, but I'm having doubts... I know that is all terribly trivial and sounds like a bed of roses to those with much more pressing issues in life - but to me, it's been a pretty big deal. I'm a broken woman at the moment (well, I was, I'm actually ok now), so do cut me some slack! Everything is relative...

BTW, sex with the new guy wasn't rubbish. It was great.

What are your goals in life? It seems you believe you have to have a man and your view of someone being perfect is immature.
No one is perfect, you just haven't seen his faults yet.

Have you agreed a settlement with your dh? Don't assume he has to be generous with ongoing support.

It's just you're talking a lot about romance, and I don't see any. It's just a bit rubbish really. You're talking about taking back an ex for the comfy lifestyle and familiarity, or chasing after a man you barely know who plays mindgames. Being single isn't bad. Being independent is a happy state.

New guy doesn't sound like a keeper. I'd tell your husband you want to put the divorce on hold for now and date for six months. See if he can keep up the new good behaviour for that long.

I think saying you wanted a bit of rough, and went for someone beneath your league, was what you should have omitted!

Other than that, I would just be on your own for a while, and give up teenage ideas of romanticised love, they won’t help you. When you’re ready emotionally try and find someone on the same page. Who respects you and who you respect. If you like this guy and he’s still around in a long time then see if he’s interested still.

OP - it’s not hatred that you get on the thread.
It’s more of a 😳😳😳

You mention being broken and struggling - but your post is so devoid of any emotions, really.
And seems all so calculating - comparing new man’s qualities (to provide) with the existing man.
And the mention of the lower league man...:

So - it’s not hatred. It’s just hard to relate to your post.
I almost wanted to say - you need to make a pros/cons list and go from there.

You don't need to delete the thread. There'll always be some mean posters. Just ignore them.

Maybe take time on your own. I think your marriage has suffered too much.

Or get divorced and see the new guy.

Wow! Slow down lady. Forget dating, put the divorce on hold, breathe and stop to think about how you REALLY see your future. You are only in your 40's so you have loads of time to start again BUT you need to stop the headless chicken scenario.