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Original poster

He cheated-hysterical bonding and does he think of ow

70 replies

mygirll0llyp0p · 25/04/2018 05:36

Recently found out DH has been having affair and not just once. We have been hysterical bonding but how does that help? I have read about it and understand it is an unfightable urge but is it not just a reward? If my son took sweets from a pick n mix, I wouldn't say bad boy then give him a bag of Haribo, so why is this bonding any different?
Can any man answer how they feel at this? Does it feel like reward or does it feel good? Is there any guilt?
He says he broke up with OW but does he still think of her? Can any men help with this? How long does he think of her after? Will he contact her again?

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 25/04/2018 19:08

He calls OW a bitch? Nice. Wonder what he said about you to his Owomen?
And
Also calling her a bitch just makes it worse to me - he was sleeping with her for 2 years, and now she's a bitch, is she?

Quite. What a catch, eh? He doesn't really like women, does he? Just a variety of holes to put his dick in.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 25/04/2018 19:10

Wow OP, you love him, but his love for you is tainted and second rate. Treat him like an addiction, go cold turkey.

elisenbrunnen · 25/04/2018 19:34

He has nowhere to go? How is that your problem?
He will only go back to her? How is that your problem?
HE is your problem. If he goes to her, he is no longer your problem. IF he goes to someone he thinks is a bitch, then he is a User - he'll be using her.

Do you really want to be with someone who uses people for sex, for housing, for a bed? He is probably using you too - he doesn't have any respect or love for you, that's for sure.

Dimael · 25/04/2018 23:09

I did this! Months of passion and guilt. It felt weird like I couldn’t remember what he had done and then after sex I felt so ashamed of myself. We have now split up, i ended up crying and hysterical and just knew this relationship was over despite how much I loved/fancied him he was not for me anymore.

Rosielily · 26/04/2018 06:07

I hope you're making him use protection.

Original poster
mygirll0llyp0p · 26/04/2018 07:01

How long does it last?

OP posts:
rebeccabecca · 26/04/2018 07:09

Sorry to be harsh but you will go through this all the time you choose to be with him.

He didn't get drunk and make a mistake, he's had two long term affairs and will undoubtedly have a third.

Calling the ow a bitch now is vile. His treatment of women is something that should horrify you.

I'd give your head a wobble and a reality check. This isn't 7 year itch (not that it would excuse it if it was), this is a man who treats women like shit.

WeepingButterfli · 26/04/2018 07:14

OP sorry to say you you lost him years ago. You sound like you're trying to win him back or keep him, but the reality is that he's a long term serial floozy. You're on a hiding to nothing trying to 'keep' him. It will only ever be temporary, then he will resume seeing other women.

GertieMotherwell · 26/04/2018 07:19

mygirll0llyp0p
I posted up thread about this and have been through it. The important factor is how you feel about it. Personally, I felt empowered and had no regrets but it seems that you feel bad afterwards. I don’t agree with the ‘reward for cheating’ theory as this suggests that sex is just something women do to please men

He has cheated twice and is also not owning his betrayal.

I’m not anti hysterical bonding, it certainly helped me and my DH reconnect but it has to work for both of you xx

Original poster
mygirll0llyp0p · 26/04/2018 07:22

He says he will go to councilling. He could change
And what about my children?

OP posts:
Original poster
mygirll0llyp0p · 26/04/2018 07:25

Did it hurt after for you? Or was it always feel good?
How many times did your husband cheat? How long does it take to get over it?

OP posts:
Original poster
mygirll0llyp0p · 26/04/2018 07:25

GertieMotherwell

OP posts:
Isetan · 26/04/2018 08:11

Remorse about what exactly? He was outed by one of his many OW's and now his desperate wife is providing sex on tap. How long do you think hysterical bonding distracting him by having lots of sex is going to last? The truth is, you don't trust him (rightly so ) but are fearful of losing him to the OW permanently. So you have lots of sex in a desperate attempt to keep his attention on you but you know that you can't keep it up for forever, at some point you will have to attempt to do the impossible, trusting an untrustworthy man.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2018 08:43

I think you should get counselling as a priority as you and the children are the victims.

The good/bad feelings are likely to cognitive dissonance.A simple way to view it is similar to smoking, you know it harms you yet you continue to smoke as its soothes.

To move forward I think you need to feel the incredible sadness and hurt feelings that his betrayal has caused.It will be very painful and you might experience physical symptoms but it won't last.

Do family know? You really do need support.Don't feel ashamed, it is not your fault, you are not responsible for his affairs.

He chose to have an affair for his own self indulgent reasons, many beautiful, clever and kind women have had cheating partners.The blame lies with the person who chose to go outside their marriage.

Gloryificus · 26/04/2018 09:51

your H cheated a lot weekly perhaps daily over a two year period!.How many times is too many for you?

Hysterical bonding is the fear of losing a man that's already been lost over 2 + years ago. You can't erase his behaviour with more sex. He wanted it with someone else and how do you think he'd react if you had an outgoing affair over several years? sex

He's getting to enjoy himself either way isn't he affair :more sex wife:more sex
Ow is the bitch now but who were you while he was in bed with ow ? His dear wife ??

Adora10 · 26/04/2018 11:13

He is a serial cheat, you are basically asking folk how you spend the rest of your life with a lying dirty cheat; why do you value yourself so poorly to put up with this crap; he must be a smug git.

You are just making yourself feel and look bad and bigging up his ego; you lose, he wins, again.

Original poster
mygirll0llyp0p · 26/04/2018 12:47

You are all right. I have to accept that.
Thank you for your honesty

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 26/04/2018 13:07

I'm really sorry lovely

If you don't love and respect yourself, you cannot show another how to love and respect you. 💐

GertieMotherwell · 26/04/2018 13:24

Did it hurt after for you? Or was it always feel good?
How many times did your husband cheat? How long does it take to get over it?

It always felt good because it was what I wanted, then I wouldn’t, then I would. I was making the decisions.
He had 1 affair.
I don’t know how long it takes to get over or if you ever do tbh. It’s like a bereavement. You don’t just wake up one day and think that’s it. It can come back and hit you hard at any time.

GertieMotherwell · 26/04/2018 13:34

I do think the hysterical bonding is irrelevant in your situation though. It appears he is a serial cheat and has little respect for you xxx 💐

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