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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He cheated-hysterical bonding and does he think of ow

70 replies

mygirll0llyp0p · 25/04/2018 05:36

Recently found out DH has been having affair and not just once. We have been hysterical bonding but how does that help? I have read about it and understand it is an unfightable urge but is it not just a reward? If my son took sweets from a pick n mix, I wouldn't say bad boy then give him a bag of Haribo, so why is this bonding any different?
Can any man answer how they feel at this? Does it feel like reward or does it feel good? Is there any guilt?
He says he broke up with OW but does he still think of her? Can any men help with this? How long does he think of her after? Will he contact her again?

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/04/2018 13:17

2 years? Not sure what to say there OP. He cheated for two years and also cheated before that. And he will cheat again. If you are happy for that to be your life, go for it. The hysterical bonding thing is almost a side issue. He can shag somebody else safe in the knowledge he can then come back and have you. He’s sorted.

Adora10 · 25/04/2018 13:30

Really awful behaviour; you are in love with a romantic idea of him, reality is he cheats constantly and puts your mental and physical health in jeopardy, whether you love him or not OP, he will end up destroying you as he will never change his ways.

You are being far too submissive, in fact, he clearly has it all his way, cake and all.

TheVanguardSix · 25/04/2018 13:38

With that history- 2 1/2 years of infidelity- this must be feeling more bad than good.
You seem to want him physically. But emotionally? How is that working out, spending time, talking, real life mundane stuff? How you are you guys actually getting along, apart from the sex?

I couldn't stay. But that's just me. I couldn't have faith that he wouldn't cheat again. That's a bad history you're dealing with, OP. And yes, he will me sincerely missing the woman he was seeing for two years. You don't just cut people off and forget. Of course he longs for her and misses her being in his life. Just as he would miss you if he were to leave you for her. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, I imagine.

Time will give you all of your answers and also the strength to do the right thing for you. You will know what is right in time.

TheFaerieQueene · 25/04/2018 13:40

I’m not seeing much to love tbh.

WeepingButterfli · 25/04/2018 13:48

OP I'm so sorry, but look at it logically. He's cheated for two and a half years with two different women, it's very very likely he will reconnect with her or another woman. I think staying with him would be heartache for a longer period.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2018 13:52

He was having an affair for 2 YEARS!?

Sorry, but I have no idea why you are still with him. He has done it before and he WILL do it again.

elisenbrunnen · 25/04/2018 16:11

So - 2 other women? How long have you been 'together', OP?

Hysterical bonding = staking your claim; making you feel better, on top, 'better' than the OW. Not sure it works - by definition you are comparing yourself to the OW, even if he isn't. And he may well be! Angry

I couldn't be the second best. I couldn't be just an 'other' in his affections. If he needs other women, he can have them; he couldn't have me too.

I'd LTB. I couldn't love anyone who treated me/women like this. And I wouldn;t think for a minute that he loved me - and why would you be with someone who didnt love you?

Littlechocola · 25/04/2018 16:17

What about when you are not hysterically bonking?

Gloryificus · 25/04/2018 16:47

Your 'D'H had a girlfriend for past two years and another one before that. And now he gets lots of sex for it.

Take sex off the table completely seek counselling for you to work out the emotions of the hurt he has caused.
Get sti checks
The hysterical bonding won't fix this betrayal only mask the pain.

Dozer · 25/04/2018 17:16

Do yourself and your DC a favour, get some self respect and LTB.

Dozer · 25/04/2018 17:17

Or assume he will cheat again, and that’s the deal.

CaledonianQueen · 25/04/2018 17:24

Ask yourself, is this what I want for my daughters, do I want them to accept a husband who is abusing them via constant betrayals, destroying her self-esteem, risking her sexual health and making her think she should put up with this, because that is how marriages are, after all, you allowed her father to behave that way. Would you want your daughter to be hysterically bonding to her cheating w**ker h, desperate to compete with the ow?

Think of your son/s- do you want them to turn into cheating, untrustworthy whoremongers with no respect for woman because of the fact that their Father showed zero respect to their Mother and therefore they learn that women deserve no respect, they are there only to look after the kids or to take care of their sexual needs!

Please, teach your children that you deserve to be cherished and respected! Teach them that infidelity is cruel, wrong and abusive! Teach them that YOU and THEY deserve better! If there is no consequence to your disgusting husband's despicable behaviour then there is no reason for your husband to stay faithful! Already he has cheated on you with two separate women, and that's just the ones he has confessed about!

At the moment he has his cake and is eating it! He has you hysterically bonding with him supplying attention, sex and rewarding him for his behaviour! I imagine this ow has bailed on him, merely because of her spilling the beans, as she likely expected you to ditch him sending him running in-/between/to her legs/ arms. As that didn't happen and she likely incurred his wrath for blowing his cover, I imagine you may have a momentary hiatus where he is 'loyal' to you!

This will only last until another skirt catches his eye! He has proven incapable of fidelity! He has shown you exactly who he is- a cheating, disloyal scumbag, who likes to have his cake and eat it! He has no love or concern for you or your children! As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they really are- BELIEVE THEM!

You need to tell yourself that you are worth so much more than this! Tell yourself that you are strong, beautiful and capable! You deserve to be treated with respect, fidelity and the devotion that he promised you on your wedding day! There are good men out there, men who will love you and show you the love, loyalty and fidelity that you deserve! You deserve better than your scumbag husband, who has been playing russian roulette with both your sexual health and the security and emotional health of your children! He hasn't just betrayed you, he has betrayed your children too! You and your children deserve better!

If your husband truly loves you and wants to make your marriage work, he will do whatever you ask to prove himself worthy! So tell him to move out, then tell him he has to slowly earn your trust back, showing absolute transparency and dedicating himself to marriage counselling. Then take things very slowly and make him earn your trust again!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 25/04/2018 17:33

Why on earth would he change? You are telling him he can continue to cheat with impunity.

Adora10 · 25/04/2018 17:41

Great post Caledonia, take heed OP.

elisenbrunnen · 25/04/2018 17:55

OP you are rewarding him for his cheating. Lots of sex, attention, love - and not many consequences!

Why wouldn't he do it again? Wouldn't you?

MissKillstar · 25/04/2018 17:59

Caledonia has got it spot on

Imagine what you would tell your daughter - I would be devastated if mine was hysterically bonding like this

Guiltypleasures001 · 25/04/2018 18:03

Sorry op he hasn't been in the relationship with you, for nearly 3 years
He didn't tell you or confess, his hand was forced. His reward for all of this
Is lots of Sex.

Littlechocola · 25/04/2018 18:08

CaledonianQueen I think you are my new favourite poster.

rebeccabecca · 25/04/2018 18:13

He has no incentive to stops cheating on you. He's cheated for 2.5 years (that you know about) and then gets loads of sex when he confesses.

mygirll0llyp0p · 25/04/2018 18:52

I have read your comments and thank you for the advice.
I still have questions. The one person I want to take the pain away is the one person who inflicted it. The bonding feels good- and then really bad. He cannot afford to move out and has nowhere to go- if I do that I would just be throwing him back to the OW. I am convinced he is still thinking of her even though he calls her a bitch etc now
How long will it feel like this? How long does it take for the urge to go? And if I resist it and stop- he has had his cake.
Can we work through this? We are at the 7 year point- is that a factor or was it me? Was I just not good enough?

OP posts:
Dozer · 25/04/2018 18:56

No, you can’t fix it. He is the problem. You could both seek advice about housing options.

If you ask him to leave and he goes back to his latest OW then he wasn’t sorry and doesn’t want to be married.

Dozer · 25/04/2018 18:57

He calls OW a bitch? Nice. Wonder what he said about you to his Owomen?

MirandaWest · 25/04/2018 18:58

I did hysterical bonding. I wouldn’t judge anyone who did

category12 · 25/04/2018 18:59

He started having affairs 2/3 years ago, so it's not the "7 year itch". It's that he's a big old cheat.

Also calling her a bitch just makes it worse to me - he was sleeping with her for 2 years, and now she's a bitch, is she? Hmm

Couldn't he sofa-surf with family/friends for a while?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 25/04/2018 19:04

He's been cheating for at least one third of your relationship (that you know of). Even if he goes to the OW, what kind of prize is he? Oh, and she's a bitch now? What a horrible man.

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