Keeps creating stupid problems for us

[saxon]

I think I may need to end my relationship, I just don't understand my partner and I think he needs help but he doesnt see that anything is wrong.

He follows a band around and they mean everything to him but he is obsessed with one of the band members and it's causing so much trouble for us. About 6 years ago he sent an email to him for some reason really slagging him off and being horrible accusing him of being a wife beater etc, the bloke took it very seriously and threatened him with court action for slander, DP panicked and asked me to contact the bloke and apologise for him and tell him he was suffering from mental problems, I couldn't believe the mess he'd got himself into and what made it worse is that he couldn't tell me or explain why he'd done it. Thankfully the incident passed without consequence but every now and again he does something similar. Anyway this morning I was checking my email and I got an email from this bloke telling me to be home at a certain time so we could talk (he actually put it like that so obviously doesnt mean talk). I couldn't understand what he would want with me, turns out DP has been sending him threatning emails from MY address and when the bloke asked for our home address (to be precise: "you're a brave little shit arnt you? why don't you send me your address so you can speak to me face to face") and he actually went and gave him it.

What upsets me the most is that he's done it knowing full well that he will be out when/if he comes around. I sent an email back explaining that my account has been used without my knowledge but have had no responce, this could mean he's either a) just trying to frighten us or b) on his way. Knowing what this bloke is supposedly like I'd say it was more likely b.

The kids are at school, I can't get in touch with DP, I feel like just walking out. What the hell is wrong with him that he purposely creates these kinds of problems for us??

I don't even know if I should call the police, I don't think they'd take it seriously until he's actually here. If he does come I don't know what to say to him, whether he will even stop and wait for an explanation

Sorry,but I think that your dp does have mental problems andneeds help!!

Ifanyone turns up at yourhouse threatening you call the police.

I've told him, I've offered to come with him to the GP and everything, he says I'm a hypercondriac and paranoid always trying to create illnesses for everyone

he sounds like he needs help. Go out and don't go back to house till you know dp will be in. He is putting you and his children at risk

6 years ago! That's a long obsession. Does he believe the things he's saying? Does he offer any explanation of why he's doing it? It sounds a bit personality disordered tbh, could you try and talk to someone at mind or sanline and get some advice?

I would be so furious with DP and TBH kick him out!

This is not normal behaviour and he needs help.

Can you ask him to go to his parents while you think what you want to do?

No explanation at all, he keeps most of it from me, it's only when he needs my help sorting it out that he tells me.

The one that happened 6 years ago I ended up having to give the bloke my mobile number so he could call me as he didn't believe what I was saying and thought DP was just posing as a girl to get the sympathy vote. The bloke told me at the time that if what I was saying was true (and he didn't beleive it was) I should leave DP and find someone normal to have a relationship with.

Well quite Saxon (re what the bloke 6 years ago said to you on your mobile.) Why ARE you still with him? What are you getting out of this relationship? Is he otherwise a lovely partner/father and you just haven't mentioned it?

Tbh he sounds a tad psychotic.. and more worryingly, hasn't a clue that he has a problem!

That's why it sounds more personality disorder. If this man has been more or less stalked by your dp for 6 years he's probably desperate for this to be resolved. It sounds like this man does have the power to frighten your dp or he wouldn't hide behind you. Maybe you should actually set up a meeting between them. Contact this man and explain how powerless and confused by this you feel, but that you're willing to try and help end it. Arrange for him to come at a time that your dh is there, but on the condition there is no violence or threatening behaviour, and see if you can both persuade your dh that he is behaving badly and that if he doesn't stop there will be legal consequences.

I wish I could contact him, I don't have a number for him and he's not responding to emails, I just hope he's not making his way down here, he's known for being violent but he's also known for his stance on violence against women so I can't see him attacking me as such...but I don't want the house smashed up either.

DP seems to be scred of him but if he is why carry this on? why not just leave the bloke alone? He went to a gig a few weeks ago and ended up in a fight with one of the bands "roadies" when he tried to get on their tour bus. He ended up meeting his obsession but this bloke doesnt know what he looks like so was none the wiser when he gave him his autograph. He's met him a few times, he just doesn't know it.

Saxon

I would also ask why you are still with this man, the comment from the victim of his stalking six years ago is apposite.

Stalking is a crime, many stalkers do have personality disorders. For your own sake you seriously need to consider whether your partner is actually worth putting yourself and your children through any more anguish.

The worrying thing is that your partner does not realise he has a problem. Nor is he ever likely to. Some personality disorders cannot be treated.

Saxon,.. how long have you been with this guy? How well do you know him? What are you getting out of this relationship? How does he treat YOU?

Sorry for all the questions but this obsession sounds worrying and abnormal. My DH is devoted to a rock band.. but if he got the opportunity to meet one of them I know darn well he wouldn't want to do anything to embarrass himself.

What sort of obsession does he have about this guy? Could he fancy him? I imagine you would know if there was any chance that your DP could have these kind of inclinations, that maybe he is battling with?

your dp is STALKING this guy and needs help. he's now put you and the kids in danger. this needs sorting asap. get him to a doctor by any means you can. call the police if need be.

We've been together about 8 years, when we first got together he was great but there seemed to be a lot of lying, for instance we'd meet his family and he'd ask me not to mention certain things and give daft excuses as to why he didnt want to talk about stuff. His family seem to think he spent a year living in manchester but I know he didn't. The obsession with the band was there before I met him, he used to go on about them all the time and it was all he ever listened to. He tried to get into the record company building when the band were having a meeting but that was about 10 years ago now, then there was the incident from 6 years ago, a few smaller ones inbetween...a few strange emails I've come across, he has loads of different email addresses and contacts the bloke via a different persona each time...sometimes he's nice to him, tells him how much he enjoys his music etc and other times he goes out of his way to annoy him, its like he can't make up his mind whether he wants to hate him or like him.

I've too wondered if he fancies him, this would explain the aggressiveness towards him if he's battling those feelings. He seems to want me to fancy him, always accuses me of fancying him etc. Tried to take me along to meet him the last time but I don't want no part of it, everytime he goes to a gig he comes back worse.

Aside from this we get on great, we socialise, we go out, we get on, he does treat me well its just this issue that overclouds everything else.

i know it's very tempting to justify why you are with this guy. but this stuff is just the stuff you know. what else is going on? you can't trust him. he lies to his family and to you. i do think he's wrestling with feelings and he does need help. of course he's going to make out that you're making far too much of it. he will justify his behaviour any way he can. if he won't see a gp, i'd go and see one on his behalf to get advice. or go to the police. but gather your evidence first. print off emails or forward them to a new address that your dp doesn't know about.

No amount of 'nice' behaviour can override this weird stuff.Why have you not givenhimachoice before of ending this stalking/seeking help or you and kids leaving him.

That's really odd behaviour Saxon. I mean really odd. As someone else suggested, if you could arrange a meeting with the band member, with your OH there it might help resolve issues.

I do think that your OH needs some help. Can he really not see how odd his behaviour is?

What would he do if you gave him a 'me or the band' ultimatum?

Some advice for victims of stalkers:-

Do not confront your stalker or even engage them in conversation.

Do not, under any circumstances, agree to a meeting to talk about how you feel about them constantly bothering you.

Do not respond in any way to calls, letters, or conversations. If you ignore the phone nine times and pick it up on the tenth, you will send the message that persistence pays. Once they have your attention, they will be encouraged to carry on.

Ask friends or solicitors to contact them if you want to get a message to them.

I've just had a responce to my email, he said he is sick of both of us and wants it to stop now. He says if my DP is that unbalanced its my responsibilty as the 'sane one' to stop the whole thing. I have emailed him back and asked for a meet up to resolve the issue but I have a feeling he will tell me where to go.

I have told DP before that it was either me or the band, he chose me and got rid of his albums etc, he kept away for a whole year before slowly re-introducing the cd's back into the house, it was so slow I didn't realise he was starting it up again until I recognised the different email addresses popping up on the PC.

When I tell him his behaviour is wierd he gets defensive, sometimes aggresive and occasionally violent.

I thought it would be easy to ignore it and let him get on with it but when its causing the bloke to want to come to our house it just can't go on. Now he has our address and I'm scared he will send someone around if he doesnt do it himself. Still can't get hold of DP.

he has lied about his involvement up to now. why wouldn't he carry on? esp. if you gave him an ultimatum. you can't trust his word.

Saxon, I agree with the others. I once had an ex stalk me and when we were actually together he showed the same odd behaviour re his family etc. He may be good to you in other ways but this obsession is obviously beyond normal 'fandom'. He really does need help, but he probably won't agree unless you give him an ultimatum - and you'll have to be prepared to keep it - can you do that?

I've just read your latest - it really doesn't sound good - if he's 'chosen' you and then slipped back once, he may do it again. Do really think hard about whether this relationship is what you want in the long term, as he sounds potentially dangerous all round.

well the guy wants to meet with me on my own, what do you reckon?

Saxon, having re read the thread I think he is doing whatever he can to get this band member to his (your) house, sort of like when a toddler behaves badly for the "attention" because any attention is good attention!

I can't imagine why you want to meet this bloke to try and "resolve" anything.. no wonder he thinks you are both mad! If it was me I have to say I would be wanted to get myself right out of the sitation AND the relationship and fast! This is not some new thing that you are grappling with.. it's been going on forever! DP doesn't want to change his unbalanced behaviour or at least if he does, he doesn't want it badly enough. You started you first post by saying you think you need to end the relationship; I think you're right.

Sorry, but I agree - I would not stay in this relationship any longer than it takes to find somewhere to live etc. how would meeting this band member resolve the issue? It is your dp who's stalking HIM, not him stalking your dp. His attitude that you're 'responsible' seems reasonable in that you have tolerated this behaviour and are therefore 'enabling' it - but ultimately, your partner is responsible as he keeps reverting to it despite your ultimatums. And he obviously needs the attention - toddler is right!

You can't make him change - only he can - really, really think hard before deciding to stick with him. I wouldn't.

No way should you meet this guy - you are not responsbible for the stalking behaviour of your dp, and by meeting his stalkee you are merely confirming that you are indeed complicit in the behaviour.

Apologise on behalf of your dp by all means, but don't meet him. You may want to advise him that if he feels he is baing stalked and he wants to take it further he should talk to a solicitor or the police. It is NOT your responsibility to try and put the behaviour to an end - not that you could anyway. This guy must resolve it by taking further action, ideally by the means above, tho' it sounds like he wants to take the matter into his own hands. Perhaps you could email explaining that to a stalker taking the matter into his own hands will probably make the stalking worse - far better to get police and court orders involved.

And yes leave him. he has a seriousn personality disorder which is putting yours and your childrne lives at risk.