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Original poster

Social services after an argument

38 replies

Imsostupid33 · 24/04/2018 21:28

I'm looking for advice for a friend , her and her dp had an argument last Oct which he took a baseball bat to her car ,(I know ) but she does wind him up , the. 2 weeks ago he just came home from work and she went mental at him for leaving his underwear on the floor , she was shouting abuse he shouted abuse back , he threw a cup through the window then called the police because he wanted his stuff. Anyway now social services visited today to say she needs to not see him anymore and reassure them she won't.

Here's the hard part , they are not biologically his children but he has done so much for them , takes them on holidays , bought them a beautiful home , financially supports them , takes them to football training , goes to parents evening etc. She is so scared of loosing her boys all over a silly argument? Any advice please ?

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 24/04/2018 21:30

I agree wholeheartedly with Social Services on this one.

Quartz2208 · 24/04/2018 21:33

she needs to follow their advice

you need to stop thinking that its her fault for winding him up - no one should act like he did there is no excuse

Littlechocola · 24/04/2018 21:33

It’s a shame that they weren’t involved sooner by the sounds of it!

DancingLedge · 24/04/2018 21:35

Why would she loose her boys?
You're not thinking she'll choose this violent man over them, surely?

NoCureForLove · 24/04/2018 21:35

Were the children witnessing all this? Why wouldn't SS be concerned? What does she think - they just carry on like this?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 24/04/2018 21:37

It sounds like a serious shift in mindset is needed.
It isn't good for children to grow up in an environment like this.
Hopefully you can encourage your friend to listen to what social services have to say.

Wolfiefan · 24/04/2018 21:38

Not a healthy relationship.
And nobody deserves to have a baseball bat taken to their car for "winding someone up". Would he use it on her next.
Stay away. Well away.
Going to parents evenings and putting a roof over their heads doesn't make for a good role model. Being abusive makes for a bad one.

Afterthestorm · 24/04/2018 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 24/04/2018 21:46

Anyone who minimises a violent attack and refuses to distance themselves from the perpetrator runs the risk of ss involvement long term.

SomeKindOfGenius · 24/04/2018 21:47

He took a baseball bat to her car and threw a cup through a window ☹️
What will your reaction be when he physically assaults your friend or her children in one of his rages? Because in all likelihood that will be the next step.
Be a good friend. Support her. Help her to be without him.

Lilymossflower · 24/04/2018 21:48

Thy need to break up

naebotherpal · 24/04/2018 21:49

What advice does she need? They’ve told her what she needs to do. As long as she picks her kids over him, she’ll be fine.

My stepdad put a roof over my head, and he attended parents night. And I was shit scared when he did, because he could also throw mugs through windows, punch holes in doors, and slap my legs purple.

Littlechocola · 24/04/2018 21:50

Are you the ‘friend’ op?

user1493413286 · 24/04/2018 21:51

It’s not a silly argument when violence becomes part of it. It’s obviously not a one off and will escalate; the children shouldn’t have that in their lives and while it’s sad for them it’s better to not have the nice bits in return for not having the threat of violence hanging over.
I also would say that you can wind up your partner and still not expect them to resort to violence. It’s not the other persons fault when someone s violent; it’s the responsibility of each person to manage their own emotions

glitterfarts · 24/04/2018 21:52

I'm looking for advice for a friend:

They are not biologically his children - too easy - she doesn't even have to give him access when she leaves his abusive arse.
he has done so much for them, takes them on holidays , bought them a beautiful home , financially supports them , takes them to football training , goes to parents evening etc. - smashes up their car with a bat, screams abuse at their mother, throws things and smashes windows in their home....

She is so scared of loosing her boys all over a silly argument? Any advice please ? Anyway now social services visited today to say she needs to not see him anymore and reassure them she won't. - so there is the advise. Break up with him, and keep her boys. Also teaching them that to behave that way as men is wrong. And teaching them that no-one should live in an abusive relationship. I'd suggest you tell both of them to get counselling. Him to get anger management counselling and therapy and if/when social services are no longer seeing him as a threat, then she can resume seeing him. However, change is rare in violent men. She should leave him, so she doesn't raise her boys to believe men should be violent and abusive.
Or she can put him before her children and they can go into foster care.

Thingsdogetbetter · 24/04/2018 21:54

Baseball bat to car; going mental over underpants; screaming abuse at each other; throwing things through windows; calling the police to be able to get his stuff? These are NOT silly arguments, these are full blown dysfunctional violence! These actions show such a lack of control that I'm not surprised SS are concerned.

I presume the concern over losing the children is because she wants to continue the relationship? She needs to think long and hard about the environment she has been inflicting on her children, regardless of the positives like nice house and holidays.

Time apart and them both engaging in professional help might make SS reconsider. But perhaps SS know something about him that she doesn't and they can't legally disclose.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 24/04/2018 21:56

It sounds like both parties could do with some anger management sessions if she's screaming abuse at him and he's taking a baseball bat to her car.

Either way, if she has been told they need to have no further involvement, then for the sake of the children, she should heed the warning.

What happens when they lose their temper and take it out on the children? Or one of the children just accidentally gets in the way? Not to mention the emotional and mental abuse the children are being subjected to by listening to it, or hearing the aftermath.

Wolfiefan · 24/04/2018 22:01

I too wondered if the OP was the friend.

PositivelyPERF · 24/04/2018 22:02

but she does wind him up no OP, she doesn’t wind him 😒 up! I can guarantee he wouldn’t take a baseball bat to his mates car if he wound him you up! He is violent. It doesn’t matter if this was items this time, it will eventually be her or the children. She’s a prat, but he’s an abusive bastard.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/04/2018 22:04

A silly argument?!

Are we experiencing an epidemic of violence apologisers on here this week?

If you're the friend, I can't see why you aren't a lot more fucking concerned about your friend and less minimising of this man's disgusting behaviour.

Wolfiefan · 24/04/2018 22:16

Dh and I have a recurring silly argument.
I maintain ketchup is the only sauce for bacon sandwiches and brown sauce for sausage sandwiches.
DH disagrees.
About once a year this triggers a silly debate where we both try and laughingly convince the other that they are wrong.
Nothing is thrown.
Nobody swears or threatens or breaks anything.
We laugh.
It's silly.

Adayindisney67 · 24/04/2018 22:33

Can't actually believe you just blamed her for him taking a bat to her car.
Thats victim blaming. Just because she winds him up (meaning she was probably pissed at him leaving his shit around or something) Doesn't mean he can be a violent arsehole...
Dear me!

category12 · 24/04/2018 22:40

It's not over "a silly argument", it's over a repeating pattern of violence. Yes, her dc should be kept out of it one way or another. I hope she chooses rightly.

Noqonterfy · 24/04/2018 23:20

She needs to not see him again. Ever. Or she WILL lose her children. Because she will be seen as not able to make good decisions about how to keep them safe. Quite rightly so.

Catrina1234 · 25/04/2018 00:29

Yes I'm wondering if you are the "friend" op as you seem to know exactly what happened in the argument. Anyway this couple both have anger problems that is played out in front of the children, and sadly that can be the case in many families.
BUT I don't get the bit about losing her children. I am a retired social worker with 30 years experience all in children's services. Children cannot just be removed by a social worker as many people think. The only way a child can be removed is by order of a Judge and the social worker and other professionals involved have to have a very good case to present to the court that the child is "suffering significant harm and they need evidence and believe me a judge will not grant a Care Order without that evidence. The social worker in question didn't handle things very well in my view, she has no right to tell the mother not to see her partner again - sounds like she wanted an easy solution and that's not on. The fact that the partner is not the biological father would weigh quite heavily in the mother's favour. I wish people would be more sure of the facts before they start talking about parent losing children.