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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So unhappy with DH

35 replies

pinkginanyone · 24/04/2018 19:10

I don’t even know where to start! I married DH 10 years ago and had 2 sons, had a dd from a previous partner. We both have good careers but DH has a real money problem, we had to move out of our home 2 years ago and move in with my elderly mum because DH couldn’t manage the rent when I was on maternity leave. Since then he’s lived like a student spending huge amounts of cash on himself, I never get money from him & ive spent all my savings bailing him out of debt which he keeps getting back into. I’ve paid for everything for the last 10 years apart from his car and the sky bill.

I feel like I’ve married a child, it’s embarrassing and my DM asks where all the money is going.... it’s probably gambling although he swears blind it’s not. My wage goes in rent, all the bills and the kids. I don’t have a penny left for anything else. Anytime I talk about money he closes up, gets defensive or walks out.

Aside from that he’s never there for me, we live seperate lives, we have nothing in common and I feel like I am the most unlovable person ever. I wanted to feel special in a marriage, looked after, cared for, taken out for dinner once in a while, he never suggests so much as watching a movie never mind actually taking me out.

What do I do? If I ask him to leave I’ll be stuck here for ever, taking care of the kids and my DM. On the other hand I can’t see another 10 years of this crap.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 24/04/2018 19:13

If you don’t ask him to leave you’ll still be stuck there bailing him out with no money.

At least once you’re shot of him you won’t have the drain on your resources resulting from continuously bailing him out and you’ll get maintenance as well. I’d kick him out and apply for CMS ASAP.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/04/2018 19:14

If you ask him to leave he will have to support himself and pay maintenance and you may be able to save a little of your money for a different future.

Honestly this guy is a hideous selfish prick who doesn’t love you in the slightest, sorry. Flowers

Get rid of him ASAP.

TERFousBreakdown · 24/04/2018 19:14

Just leave!

Your description mirrors much of what I would have said before leaving (minus the kids part - involuntarily so, I badly wanted some).

Being 'stuck' with your DM and the kids sounds a hell of a lot better than all that PLUS an additional, adult sized child who's only being selfish and busy creating new problems for you and your family.

pog100 · 24/04/2018 19:15

Well I can't see what good he is to you at the moment. On the contrary I see only very bad things for you, the most important of which is holding you back from a good life. It seems clear you would be better off financially and in every other way, without him. Just throw him out and start living!

Chinesecrested · 24/04/2018 19:17

If you DON'T ask him to leave, you'll be stuck there forever too, with a millstone round your neck

Banana1979 · 24/04/2018 19:32

You need to give him a warning. Clearly she isnt going to say " im leaving byee" it takes time
Tell him if he doesnt fix up in 3 months you are gone, print out some rentals from rightmove and remind him of how expensive private renting is, plus council tax utility bills and cost of living food and travel, and child maintenance add it all up then present it to him. If he doesnt go halves with you then that's what he will have to be paying. That'll give him a shock.

Original poster
pinkginanyone · 24/04/2018 19:53

Thanks everyone I know that’s probably true but it’s makes me so sad to think of my kids.

I have been warning him for years about this. It kicked of today because I rang about a rental & made him go with me to see it. He got really stressed, saying that we couldn’t afford the rent & we would have no life..... we have no life!! I honestly can’t do anything without this madness about money.

Each time he says he will change, help out financially, set up a direct debit into my account, it’s bever happened.

The thing holding me back is the kids, he’s really hands on with them every evening. Actually when I write this I’ve just realised that he great at bedtimes but awful at weekends. He’s a loving father though, I think it would really hurt him if i tell him to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkginanyone · 24/04/2018 20:39

He’s blaming my depression for the way I feel about this... it’s not that.

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 24/04/2018 21:01

I'm a really big believer in keeping families together but just reading your post makes me think you should cut and run.

Unless you show him what he does is unacceptable then he will never ever change, OP.

You will be financially better off and so will your children.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 24/04/2018 21:02

A loving father pays for his children.

19lottie82 · 24/04/2018 21:10

Well........ where IS the money going? He’s obviously spending it somewhere.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/04/2018 21:14

He’s an awful partner, husband and father. He’s investing nothing in your family. He’s trying to make you think you’re at fault when anyone can see it’s him and his cocklodging awful behaviour.

I can’t honestly see what you’ll miss when you kick him out. What does he do to make yours and your DCs lives better?

He’s awful!

PoorYorick · 24/04/2018 21:16

Marriage is supposed to make your life better. The best thing a father can do is love his children's mother.

PoorYorick · 24/04/2018 21:16

Or at least treat her decently, for parents who have split up. Sorry, you know what I mean.

Original poster
pinkginanyone · 24/04/2018 21:46

I know I should but I am honestly so scared of being alone with the kids.

I think he’s gambling again or maybe he never really stopped, am not sure. That’s the most likely answer to whatever he has left after he pays his debts. He pays £350 in fees for credit cards, his car, his golf lessons, his food and drink and his cigarettes.

Anne; that’s a good question. He makes the boys happy, he plays with them. Apart from that I don’t feel appreciated or special or loved, then he wonders why I don’t want to touch him.

I’ve spoken to my DM about leaving him and she thinks I should stick it out and live with her because one day the house will be mine, DH knows this and I think that encourages him. I don’t want that, I want to be an independent family/couple not relying on my poor mother! He would never treat his parents this way and I resent him even more for that!

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 24/04/2018 21:51

You'll never be more lonely than trapped in an unhappy marriage with a man who does nothing for you and whom you can't trust. You think he's only with you for your inheritance and your exact words were that you live separate lives already. How much more lonely could you be?

And you won't be alone. You'll have your mother, I'm sure you have some other friends. Honestly, I can't see what he brings to the table that you'd miss. You'll have fewer money worries, you won't have the cloud of worrying about your separate lives or not knowing where he's pissing his money away too, and he can still play with your boys and be a father to them.

SandyY2K · 24/04/2018 21:55

He seems to add little value and a lot of stress to your life.

Why can't he contribute to the bills when he gets paid and spend the rest?

This is shameful behaviour from him. I'd find a man like this very unattractive and have no respect for him.

SirGawain · 24/04/2018 21:55

A loving father pays for his children.
^^^ This.

TiredMummy18 · 24/04/2018 22:04

Your post is heartbreaking. How awful for you.

I am living proof that it’s not scary to be alone. My ex was exactly like your DH. I put off chucking him out for years because I was so scared that being alone with 3 kids would be hard and that nobody would ever want me. It was scary and difficult to start with but my god I am so much happier now. I don’t have any financial worries, I work full time, receive maintenance, get help from universal credits and child benefit. I rent a lovely house, have free time to myself every other weekend when the kids are with their dad. I feel like an actual person again not just someone’s maid and cash machine.
You can do this. He is not a good person/husband/father. If he was a good husband he would be splitting the cost of everything 50/50 with you and not putting himself before his wife and kids.
Golf lessons... really?! You don’t have a penny and he’s doing golf lessons?! Tells you all you need to know!!!

Sally2791 · 24/04/2018 22:04

Leave. No point in wasting more time on him

minimalpatience · 24/04/2018 22:10

He isn't exactly seething a good example to his kids. You and your children deserve better. You've said your mum has said her home will become your in future and that this encourages him. Do you really want him staking a claim on a house your parent(s) worked hard for when he can't be arsed to provide for you and his own children? That world be a v v bitter pill to swallow.

minimalpatience · 24/04/2018 22:10

*setting not seething

C0untDucku1a · 24/04/2018 22:13

Leave and divorce him. He wont change. This is your life forever if he stays.

category12 · 24/04/2018 22:15

So he has "credit cards, his car, his golf lessons, his food and drink and his cigarettes". What do you and your dc have?

Shen0102 · 24/04/2018 22:35

You're already alone with the kids, he's not helping much now is he? You've already been doing it all alone this time so won't make much difference if you cut him loose..You deserve so much better