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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he flirting with her?

32 replies

Donbri1 · 24/04/2018 16:23

I'd really appreciate some opinions. NC for this but I've been around for ages.

I'm 44 and have been seeing DP (45) since last May. Very close, happy. We don't live together yet. His 2 DC are young adults and live with his ex wife. My son is 14 and lives with me. Everyone gets on.

I borrowed his phone just now and saw a string of messages....

3 weeks ago, he became Facebook friends with a divorced woman from his school year. They haven't seen each other for years - she's been living away and moved to a place ten miles from her/our home town only recently. They were in a different school to me but I remember her - very pretty and intelligent, a few of the boys in my school liked her. I expect DP had a teen crush too, like everyone. She still looks great. :-(

The messages started with bland "thanks for the add" type stuff. Then, they started discussing our local football and rugby teams. All ok. But very late last night, she posted about a new job and he messaged her very early today to say congrats. This led to a chat about school, and she told him he still looked great. Then, he replied "you're looking pretty fine yourself" and put a wink emoji.

He's keen on her isn't he?

I also note that he likes her statuses but rarely anyone else's. I know people will say I shouldn't read too much into Facebook but I lack confidence and it's difficult.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/04/2018 16:32

Its a bit flirty

Does he give you any other reasons not to trust him?

halfwitpicker · 24/04/2018 16:33

He is indeed.

MagicFajita · 24/04/2018 16:35

It's flirty, yes.

How do you feel about that?

Luckingfovely · 24/04/2018 16:35

Yup, flirting indeed. Keep your eyes open and be very careful Thanks

UkPod · 24/04/2018 16:47

Yeah, it is and I'd be wary as well. Top tip, as a general rule blokes don't message women unless their family members regularly unless they're after one thing.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2018 16:51

That looks like flirting to me

Original poster
Donbri1 · 24/04/2018 16:51

No other reasons not to trust him.

She's in touch with loads of other kids from their school year (I've stalked her I'm sorry to admit) and there's some talk of girls' nights out with her best mates from school in old haunts etc - I am nervous that he will bunp into them on a night out. She seems a very confident person. As I said, she was intelligent and attractive and still is I think.

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 24/04/2018 16:51

Yep he certianly is.

naebotherpal · 24/04/2018 16:54

Rather flirty, yes. You can acknowledge that someone looks well/has aged well, without being flirty like that.

Is it obvious from his FB that he’s in a relationship?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 24/04/2018 16:57

If its out of character for him maybe he just wants her to think he is a bit of a lady's man!!?? But I wouldn't be happy either!! Offer to both meet up with her....,

Original poster
Donbri1 · 24/04/2018 17:01

When I've facebook friended boys from school/college over the years it's been "you look well" or "you haven't changed". No emojis, except maybe a smile or a thumbs up.

There is something about the word "fine" (and a wink) that's flirty I think.

"You look well" isn't flirty and neither is "you look the same as you did at school" - those phrases are polite/kind/cordial rather than flirty. I think so anyway. I'm a bit gutted.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 24/04/2018 17:02

OP - this all sounds very teenage.
You have only been dating for a year and don’t live together.
Monitoring his social media would only drive him crazy. So would worrying if he runs into her while out.

On a daily basis he passes countless attractive women. He may smile to them, and compliment them. Some of the comments may even be flirty.
Same applies to women at his office, etc.

No one has been prevented from cheating if they wanted to do it.

So - you can live your live worrying and tying to be on alert.
Or you can live your life.

If (and when) he chooses to be with you - he’ll be with you. And attractive women of the world would still be there and eferywhwre.
Same applies to you.

Original poster
Donbri1 · 24/04/2018 17:04

There are photos of us together on Facebook and his status is "in a relationship with Donbri1". All photos are posted by me though, thinking about it, with him tagged.

Gutted about this.

OP posts:
Josuk · 25/04/2018 17:35

OP - in the gentlest possible way - can I say that you need to get some counselling and deal with your insecurities and lack of confidence.

It’s not a normal reaction in a 44yo to be gutted and this upset at your BF telling someone they look good. And stalk their social media after that, and worry that he may see that woman out in public.

You reaction is way over the top. Especially given that, as you admit yourself - he hasn’t given you any other reasons to not trust him.

If this is a one-off reaction - than maybe it’s just something about this particular situation that is different. But if this is how you normally react in a relationship - then i really hope you get someone to help you deal with it.

tierraJ · 25/04/2018 17:44

Well I would be suspicious definitely. You are in an exclusive relationship so he shouldn't be flirting with other women.,, is there any way of talking to him sensibly about it?

Storm4star · 25/04/2018 17:47

I think this is a difficult situation. To me it is flirty and just telling OP to work on any insecurities she may have is not a “quick fix”. MN (and RL) is full of this type of thing where general chat leads to flirting, leads to EA leads to physical affair.

It sounds like you saw those messages innocently and didn’t go snooping. For me, a year is long enough to be able to say to your partner something like “I know i’m being silly but....” and then have a conversation about it. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he gives you a big hug and reassures you then great. If he gets annoyed, argues about it then to me that’s a defensive reaction and so there could be an issue.

Communication is the key in this situation.

tierraJ · 25/04/2018 18:05

I agree with Storm

Thebluedog · 25/04/2018 18:08

Yes it’s flirty. At this stage I’d have to say something to him, nip it in the bud before it escalates. His reaction will tell you if he wants to continue or not

Scrabbler3 · 25/04/2018 21:16

Op - I think that he is flirting with her. I agree that "you look well/the same" would not have been flirty, I've innocently said that to men I've reconnected with on fb. I really hope for your sake this doesn't escalate. Maybe he's just having a nostalgia phase.

user1486956786 · 26/04/2018 11:21

Yes he's probably crossing the line. Are you able to say in passing 'keeps popping up on my page that you like such an such facebook' in a jokey way perhaps to just give him a subtle hint he's not being very subtle? He'll probably reign himself after that? I doubt he's doing this with the intention of cheating on you.

dirtybadger · 26/04/2018 11:29

Yes 100% flirting. I would feel pretty Hmm as the recipient of that to be honest. Saying you look well or similar is fine- but what he said reads like more like a come on than a simple compliment.

Cricrichan · 26/04/2018 11:43

I'm a similar age and it's normal to comment on how they look after many years. To me if you knew each other when young and you're obviously attached and live in different places, it's just about nostalgia. I've had lots of old male friends who are clearly in love with their wives and I haven't seen in 20 years and unlikely ever to see again, comment on how well I'm looking and that I haven't changed etc on my Facebook pics.

I remember commenting on a friend's (a close friend's ex boyfriend) family picture on how well he was looking and what a lovely family he had. My stbxh took offense to that thinking it was flirtatious.

Bottom line, you can't keep your bf from seeing attractive women just like he can't you. I'm sure you see men who are better looking than your bf but the man you're attracted to and are interested in, is your bf.

Mousefunky · 26/04/2018 13:53

Definitely flirty. Non-flirty would simply be “you’re looking well” and returning the compliment which I have done in the past to old school friends of both sexes. He complimented her appearance and her his. The status liking says a lot too.

FairyFace · 26/04/2018 14:06

Yes it is flirting, I've went through this before and felt the exact same way, you really can't do anything, if he is going to cheat he will. Sometimes its an ego thing, they enjoy the compliment etc, but it shouldn't go any further if he loves and respects you. The amount of men that like or leave winky face comments under my social media pics and I know their wives etc, I think straight away you dirty dog. You can totally see what they are playing at. I don't do it , the only reason I would like someone of the opposite sex pic is A if they are family, B they are in the pic with their kids, partners etc or a holiday pic. Liking a picture of someone in a sexy dress doing a duck pout is a definite , I'm liking the look of that! Sorry I hope your ok.

Babyblues052 · 26/04/2018 14:52

Yep I agree he's flirting.