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Original poster

Husband's emotional affair

41 replies

SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 12:34

Namechanged as my children know my other user name.

I was looking at my husband's phone last night (he knows I know the passcode and I was looking for updates to a WhatsApp group we're both on). I found messages between him and a female colleague, full of pet names for each other and making it obvious that they're very close. There were messages from only the last day or so, but the chat before that had obviously been deleted.

I asked him what was going on, he promised that the chat was as far as it got, nothing physical and I do believe him. He also promised to stop and said that I could check his phone anytime.

I feel so devastated though. We've been married eighteen years and I love him. How do I move on? From anyone who's been in the same situation, would talking to the colleague help? I just don't understand what was going through their minds, especially as she's apparently happily married too.

OP posts:
memaymamo · 24/04/2018 12:46

You poor thing. That is devastating. How is he acting now? Is he extremely contrite or full of excuses and wanting you to get over it? Is he generally a good, decent guy or do you have other problems?

Talking to the colleague might drive them to talk about you together and bond in a way. Better to let them wallow in the awkwardness and griminess of having been exposed.

You should probably talk about 'ground rules' and how he can earn your trust back. Is there a way he can be separated from the woman? What do you think it would take for you to trust him again?

Affairs like this are like an addiction. He may find other ways to talk to her, like email. If he's seeing her at work, how will he manage that relationship?

Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 13:08

Thank you for responding and for the advice. He's very contrite and says that it happened because he's very stressed at work, which is true.

He's such a decent person on the whole. I never dreamed that anything like this could ever happen. I feel numb with shock.

As for seeing her at work, she's going on a year's maternity leave shortly, so she won't be around.

OP posts:
TiredMummy18 · 24/04/2018 13:14

So she’s pregnant and having an emotional affair with another man? She sounds a right catch!

Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 13:29

I just can't imagine what was going through their heads. How could they possibly think that doing something like this was right?

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 24/04/2018 13:34

I would personally confront the two of them together.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/04/2018 13:38

He needs to be totally honest about why he felt he needed the support of someone outside the marriage.

i’d just feel a bit pitying towards her really, bit desperate and sad to be doing that while pregnant by her own partner.

Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 13:38

It would be so satisfying to think of her as a cheap trollop, but then I remind myself that it wasn't one sided. I feel like such a worthless fool.

OP posts:
TiredMummy18 · 24/04/2018 13:40

I’m stressed at work, I have a meeting tomorrow and I know they are making redundancies, the last thing on my mind is who can I have an affair with? Sorry but I think his excuse isn’t really an excuse, clearly this is Just who he is as a person.

MsHomeSlice · 24/04/2018 13:40

So he's leaving it to you to police him then? You can look at his phone anytime? Well maybe he should take some responsibility and not have cosy tete a tetes with other women?

The deleted messages would be ringing bells for me, as would his promises that nothing happened and he would stop...how lucky for you to have caught his infidelity so promptly!

If that was me I would be cold, hard, and ask him to leave, even if it's just for a few days....he needs to really see the consequences of cosying up with other women...cheap and nasty hotel room, and his own conscience pricking him for a weekend and no contact should ram the point home nicely I would say.
Or send him home to his parents to explain.

THEN and only then do you decide if you will have him back and you make your terms very clear.

Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 13:44

I really need to think about my life. Just yesterday morning I was so happy and positive about the future. Thank you all for the support and advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 14:01

He's such a wonderful and supportive person in all other ways. He's been so helpful to my mother since my father passed away. My family loves him. How could he have thought that this was okay? And I still love him Sad

OP posts:
itsgoodtobehome · 24/04/2018 14:02

Hi op.
I can give you some insight from the other side. When I was about 25, young, naive and single, I had what I suppose you could call an emotional affair with a married man at work. It never ever turned physical, but there was definitely something there. We hung out together all the time, had lunch together every day, spoke to each a lot outside of work etc. In all honesty, I would have taken it further - like I said, I was single and naive (I’m 47 and married now, so know better!!)
BUT - he never took it further. Yes, he may have had his head turned, and his wife wouldn’t have liked the relationship that we had, but he stopped it going further.
So, my point is, don’t assume the worst. Men are able stop themselves from taking things to the next level. Yes, some men (and women) do develop strong feelings for people they work with when they spend a lot of time together (particularly if the wife doesn’t work, I find), but don’t write him off just yet.

Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 14:05

Thank you for your viewpoint. That makes me feel a little better.

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 24/04/2018 14:07

I agree with PP its no excuse and I would ask him to leave.

TuTru · 24/04/2018 14:09

I think he’s prob masterbating over her photos. Block her.

Adayindisney67 · 24/04/2018 14:11

Emotional is just as bad! It doesn't have to turn physical I think this would hurt me more.
If he was a good man he wouldn't have done this. No good man would, don't let him fool you!

Adora10 · 24/04/2018 14:12

So what if he's a great person otherwise, helpful, kind, fact is OP this is who he is, I totally reject this:

He's very contrite and says that it happened because he's very stressed at work, which is true.

Utter BS, I have lost count of the times i've been stressed at work and nope I don't go looking for another relationship; for me, this is far worse than a one night stand, they have a connection, it's bloody awful, he is full of excuses and crap ones at that, you are already minimising along with him, understandable but I think you miss the point there, you now know you are with a man that cannot be trusted to not go sniffing elsewhere, and at work, I bet everyone knows about them too. All i can say is give him a consequence, in other words, kick his cheating arse out the door; don't be that woman that forgive and forgets right away and lets him carry on to do the exact same thing again.

He needs to feel the loss of you as he clearly does not really value you.

TheStoic · 24/04/2018 14:16

Shock and awe is the only thing that I’ve ever seen work in these cases. Anything less than that and he’ll just pick up where he left off once the dust has settled.

Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 14:23

Oh God, everyone at his place of work is probably laughing about me, aren't they?

OP posts:
SittingDucking · 24/04/2018 14:39

OP, to my shame I've "been" your DH.
Got addicted to flattering cosy chat with a man, ended up deleting messages in horror. TBH the man could have been almost anyone - it was a distraction during a very tough time, and an ego boost. When the man tried to take it further/make it physical, I woke up. Stopped contact. Never got physical.
The experience taught me not to be a twat, and how much I love DH, and what I risked. It ultimately made me a far better partner.

Obviously don't know the situation with your DH, but it could easily be something he completely regrets and would never have taken further.

TheStoic · 24/04/2018 14:41

Oh God, everyone at his place of work is probably laughing about me, aren't they?

Not at you. At him, maybe.

corathewarrior · 24/04/2018 15:06

Hi OP

I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through something very similar about 6 years ago with my husband. We are still together. Sometimes it is still hard, he knows I still get upset about it. Luckily for me the OW moved sections in the organisation and he hasn't seen her for years but there is always he opportunity they would end up working together again and I have told him if this was to happen I would need him to look for another job which he agrees too. It's an awful place to be and I feel for you so much. I guess you need to look at is what can he do to make you feel safe in the relationship again. Would you be happy that they might potentially work together again?

I've always wondered what she has thought about me and whether she told others about what is going on. I have refused to go to any work related do's with him since Sad

Original poster
SoMiserable · 24/04/2018 15:37

Thank you, it helps to hear from someone who's been through it.

OP posts:
namechange12390 · 24/04/2018 15:53

Name changed to write this but I've been through this, it was 5 years ago before we got married (had been together 8 years at that point). DH has an emotional affair with a woman who he had met over seas (where he had spent some time working) who was a friend of his cousins who lived in the area. I found out because he'd happened to mention this girls name and I looked her up on Instagram and he'd liked or commented on all her half naked bikini photos she'd posted (ugh still makes me angry!!!) turned out they'd been speaking a lot about some troubles he was having in his career and troubles we were having etc etc. It had a huge detrimental effect on me and our relationship for a long time, I still am a little funny (inside) about stuff, although it's been a lot better in the last couple years. I think was I've eventually realised, although I'm not IN ANYWAY condoning his actions, is that I wasn't there for him at a time he really needed me, I was extremely depressed and emotionally unavailable, he'd tried to be there and help me as much as poss but I pushed him away and wasn't there when he needed me, which caused it to start and for him to seek support elsewhere.

I know it's awful, and I really really feel for you right now. You can recover from this if you want to and he's open and honest and transparent and helps you, because you're the victim, not him! 

WeepingButterfli · 24/04/2018 15:59

I think he's only sorry because he's been caught. He knew it was wrong, in a lot of ways it's worse than cheating for sex Flowers I think you need to decide if you want to be with him after this, it's not like a quick or shallow affair if they even had pet names for each other. I don't think I could trust or respect him again.