Husband's emotional affair

[SoMiserable]

Namechanged as my children know my other user name.

I was looking at my husband's phone last night (he knows I know the passcode and I was looking for updates to a WhatsApp group we're both on). I found messages between him and a female colleague, full of pet names for each other and making it obvious that they're very close. There were messages from only the last day or so, but the chat before that had obviously been deleted.

I asked him what was going on, he promised that the chat was as far as it got, nothing physical and I do believe him. He also promised to stop and said that I could check his phone anytime.

I feel so devastated though. We've been married eighteen years and I love him. How do I move on? From anyone who's been in the same situation, would talking to the colleague help? I just don't understand what was going through their minds, especially as she's apparently happily married too.

Dear Somiserable, I just went through a year of hell during my husband's EA. About 2 months after I discovered it, we went to marriage counseling. The therapist recognized right away what was going on, but she was very gentle with my husband, in order to keep communication open. She was also very supportive of me, and validated my anxiety. My husband denied, denied, denied, and to some extent he still does. But, it is a process, and when I got to the point where I had decided enough was enough, that's when my husband finally relented. I said to him, "If you told me your were upset by something I was doing, I would STOP doing it right away. I have been upset by your relationship for almost a year now. We have seen a marriage counselor. I have been miserable, and yet you refuse to STOP seeing (and texting, and calling) this woman. Your relationship is unacceptable to me because it is interfering with our relationship. " And then I asked him what his "end game is" with this person. Then he pronounced that he guessed he "should never speak to her again". And without a moments feeling of guilt, I said "That works for me." The bottom line is that in a relationship, if your partner is doing something that is causing you pain, grief, anxiety, not to mention the physical toll the stress takes out on your body, you must take a stand FOR YOURSELF. If you show that you have respect and love for yourself, and you expect the same in a partner, and he is essentially a good person, then he will have more respect for YOU. I wish you luck, but stand up for yourself and be strong. My inner mantra was "my husband wouldn''t put up with this crap, why should I put up with this crap! One yearenough is enough". Don't be afraid to have a backbone. I feel for yoube strong.

Was the chat sexual? Pet names and nothing more wouldn't bother me too much. DH and his colleagues (male and female) all have stupid nicknames for one another. She can't look that great if she's 8 months pregnant either - seems a strange target?

OP - re people laughing at you: I’ve worked in a couple of places where two employees were having affairs (both married to other people). I never felt anything but pity for their spouses and that those having the affairs shouldn’t be trusted at work. There was nothing funny about it at all.

Is she pregnant with his child ?

Sorry to be so blunt, was the first thing that popped into my head.

I would be demanding he start looking for another job or another wife

I did wonder the same as Noboozeforme, could there be a question of paternity and that's why he's been keeping in close touch so near to her maternity leave.

Numerous messages a day to a woman 8 months pregnant with her partners child does seem odd otherwise.

*heavily pregnant, you didn't say 8 months sorry, just that she's going on a years maternity leave soon

Noboozeforme - my first thoughts also. It seems very unusual for somebody who is pregnent to be flirting with somebody like this, unless there is something more to it. Seems odd to me anyway.

If he’s supportive and your relationship is good you might want to try and move on.
Only you know if you can trust him but trust your instinct too. As it was mentioned before, look after yourself first. Your pain is not worth it.

Some of you sound like you live in soap operas. OP I would listen to the people who have actually been through this or been the OW. I'm always amazed at how some people jump on affairs threads like it's a chance to work thorough what happened to them and do things differently. And men do vary, they are not all the same. There's no evidence this man has even recognised he's romantically involved with this woman. Fathered the OW's child FFS.

OP, please ignore the comments from people who haven't been through what you have experienced yourself. Whether X or Y poster would leave their husbands or kick them out IF they had done what your husband has is irrelevant. A lot of people on here seem to think that this is their opportunity to take part in an game show, with no thought as to what the consequences of their "advice" could be on you. You asked how you could "move on"; it doesn't seem from this that you are thinking of or want to leave your husband or risk your relationship, so by all means make it damn clear to him that you are hurt and that what he has done has severely damaged the trust in your relationship, but be careful to find a balance which hopefully helps you to "move on", assuming your husband wants to as well. Throwing away a lengthy marriage over something like this sounds like a big move.

Good luck.

Heavily pregnant colleague sending OPs DH multiple affectionate messages in one day and him replying. Odd behaviour from both, it's not 'living in a soap opera' to question whether he's being honest about how far their relationship went.

I’ve been in a very similar situation and ended my relationship but my situation wasn’t the same and never can be.
As it’s been said before look after yourself first and work with your feelings, intuition or even couple therapy of needed.
Everyone’s relationship is unique.
My ex didn’t even recognise emotional affair as a problem, he didn’t care how I felt despite expecting his child and said he’d rather leave then stop talking to the OW. He called her the same pet names same which I hated. So just because I’ve been there I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling someone what to do except what feels right in your situation. Short term and long term.

How could he have thought that this was okay?

He knew it wasn’t ok for you, he just thought he would get away with it and that made it ok for him.

Don’t be so quick to write this off as a moment of madness, you found out, he didn’t tell you. Wether you like it or not, just as the good things he does are part of his character, so are the not so good things too.

There's a lot of unanswered questions here for OP .

OP he will only be giving you HIS version of it and he will be minimising .

What was going through their minds ? Fun , feeling wanted and desired, addiction , a break from everyday life, the rush , the newness of a situation - how can they do it ? I do wonder that myself - they sit probably in the same room as their partner and sneak looks at their phones and get that little kick . Men are just so easily flattered . Bad times. Good luck with it all - it will take a lot of work on both sides BUT he has to be completely honest with you and you will never know if he is being so , sorry .

I agree with PP its no excuse and I would ask him to leave

That seems to be the common MN response to marital problems.

this is far worse than a one night stand,

Really? Truly? Worse?