Defining "space" and how much to give?

[TopDraw74]

When a girl says they need space and time after you've lied about something (not cheating or anything big like that, invasion of privacy via social media account) and its an honest mistake that will never happen again, but they've said I don't want to be with you right now.

What do you do? How much space is enough space, do you give it a few days? Or do you simply wait until she gets in contact first. There's a lot of BIG plans involved in this, needs to be sorted sooner rather than later so I'm wondering how much space to give before contacting.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

You wait. IF she wants to get in touch then she will.

Did you invade her social media?

Let her contact you. There is no set amount of space one person needs, only she knows when she is ready to speak to you.

Give her the space she has asked for. That includes all forms of contact, phone calls, messaging, social media etc.

Yes I did invade it, out of worry more than trust. I was honest about it, and no contact is a thing I am prepared to do, i don't want to be that guy who smothers and pushes the person further away.

@bluebell9 I'm worried about it drifting if I do that :/

But if you are contacting her, then you aren't giving her space.

You're right, she will come to me when she feels ready and appreciate me more if I give her complete space. I'm prepared to do that. Hopefully it won't be weeks or bloody months!

If you 'give' someone space but then approach them after a while to ask if they've had it long enough, you never gave it to them. You lent it to them with the expectation that you'd get back into it too when you asked.

Giving means giving. It can be hard, but you have to back off.

Right. By any chance is she a Mumsnetter? 🤔

@positivelyPERF no haha!

And yeah I'm going to back off, but there's too much going on plan wise over the next few weeks for me to leave it. If she hasn't messaged me by Saturday then I'm going to have to message her. Nothing insane, nothing clingy or rubbish.

I'm literally just going to say I fully understand where I went wrong, but this has to be sorted sooner rather than later. I respect whatever decision you make. Hopefully we can start fresh and get over this blip!

Short, sweet, to the point.

FFS! Don’t call it a BLIP! You’re totally downplaying the fact that you went snooping in someone’s personal business. You may be going with her, but you have absolutely no right to invade her privacy.

How was it a mistake?
Space means space. Don't contact her.

What does “sorted” mean? That she simply forgets what you did and things go back to how they were? Because that can never happen now, there’s damage done. Your relationship will never be how it was.

You sound as though this is a minor mistake, which won’t help you

Eugh you guys are right.

Forgot to say she messaged me yesterday but with odd questions, I think she was trying to catch me out lying. Ended with me giving her what she wanted to see and then she didn't reply after that to this point.

Do I literally just wait until she gets into contact?

@rainbowshine

I worded that badly. I realise how bad it was! I made a huge mistake and panicked.

I don't want her to forget, just forgive and hopefully get back on track. I realise what I need to do to change for the better and will do that with or without her to become a better man. But I do need to know sooner rather than later if she want's to rebuild.

That doesn't mean BF and GF straight away it means its still going to take time. This was just a mistake and I can't turn back the clock.

Yes just wait. That’s what she asked you to do, so you should respect that.

Thank you I will do that @rainbowshine

I know chances of us getting back together are slim but i've seriously learnt from this, never ever doing anything like that again.

It's difficult to say without you saying why you need to get in contact, but if I were in her position I would probably want at least a couple of weeks with no contact. Contacting me before that could undo the "hard work" of leaving me alone, because it doesnt respect my request.

@dirtybadger

Yes you're right, its so much harder when our parents are so close and messaging every day as well.

The latest I can realistically leave it is probably the end of next week. So that's two weeks from when she didn't want contact. Its against my nature but I feel like I can do it.

I think you shld assume any plans you have aren't happening unless you hear otherwise. Let her reach out to you when she wants to and respect her decision even if its one you don't like.

Any BIG plans need to be cancelled.
Please don't contact her.
She will respect you much more if you leave her alone.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.. and all that jazz.
But if it was a massive invasion AND you lied about it, then I'd assume this relationship is over.

The thing is they can't be cancelled.

I won't contact her. It wasn't a massive invasion, and I didn't open any of her chats, even when she went on there she could see that I didn't open any chats. I lied about it, within 30 seconds of lying I told the truth though.

Still doesn't help, but I dunno, just hard.

OP, can you hear yourself? You keep saying "Yes, yes, I will give her space. But only until Saturday. Then that's enough space and c'mon, she really ought to get on with forgiving me by then."

You sound pushy and manipulative and like you just don't get it.

You have massively invaded her trust. It doesn't matter whether you did it out of "worry". You say that like it's a positive thing - it isn't, it is patronising and intrusive and shows that you think that your right to know about her trumps her right to privacy.

And even if you hadn't done anything wrong - even if you were the most perfect boyfriend in the whole world - she is still allowed to decide that she doesn't want to see you again.

She doesn't owe you anything - not her time, not a second chance, not her forgiveness, not even to hear you out. Do you understand that? You can't make her do anything and you shouldn't try.

You deciding that "the most you can realistically offer" is to leave her alone for two weeks as if you are doing her some massive favour is frankly, concerning.

Do NOT contact her again.

Any plans - she will NOT be coming on. You don't need to contact her about them. If she wanted to go she would contact you. If she doesn't, you must assume she is not interested in going.

I agree with the above poster, you are sounding like you don't get it and are impatient. You don't like not being in control, which is why you checked her SM in the first place. You don't like that she currently gets to choose when she contacts you. Leave her alone. If she comes back it'll be HER choice. You can't force her to come back.

Just remember the more you contact her now, the less likely she is to come back to you. RESPECT HER WISHES. She wants space, give it to her!

You're getting a hard time from the mumsnet massive, which is pretty standard as a good deal of them have never made a mistake in their lives, but anyway my rational advice is leave her alone, this is the ONLY way she will miss you.

If you pester her, and she will see it that way, you will ruin any chance you have of reconcillation.

Oh dear. So you not only invaded her privacy and thought you had a good excuse but you lied about it too? That's major in my book. I agree with others that you definitely shouldn't contact her. I also agree that you sound manipulative, pushy and immature. Let the plans go because she won't be going and nothing is probably that important to force her out of her space. She's essentially ended the relationship but hasn't said for definite. This is a test for you in a way to see if you can respect her wishes after showing her disrespect by invading her privacy and then lying. The head space is just to make sure she doesn't want to be with you anymore.