What would you think of this response?

[FritzDonovan]

Sorry, it's long, but there's a lot of background.

Dh regularly works away for long periods of time, sometimes with little contact, although the fun excursions are usually on FB asap so his friends know what a wonderful time he's having.

On the last trip (5months long) he was a bit detached (his words), but obviously had some good times - went to a few parties with a colleague (male), lots of sightseeing, eating/drinking out, asked female colleague, who had stolen something from a bar for him, out for a drink (alone), hadn't been wearing his wedding ring until I noticed it in a FB pic and questioned it, looked up tinder on google play (DS tablet was linked to the account, I checked history after it popped up to see why it was there) one party night but 'didn't remember' and couldn't say why he'd done it until he checked back with his colleague. Also turned out he'd been checking out copious amounts of porn (by then a regular everyday thing) and lying about it for the past 7/8 years, after saying he wouldn't use it again. (His idea, not pushed into it, he wasn't interested in shared stuff. ) Also had an email acc attached to the Xbox account which I wasn't really aware of, which had a number of permanently deleted (and therefore unrecoverable ) emails, apparently last accessed just before he got back. Which is supposed to be just a glitch or something.

In the years prior to this he's told me about colleagues who look upon working away as 'a chance to get their end away', quite a large proportion by the sounds of it. And some who visit prostitutes while away. He always used to bring it up in a jokey kind of way. Now we've had massive arguments over his most recent time away and I found out he's been happily lying to me for years because he didn't think looking at porn was bad (not as bad as shagging around? Is that what he means? Didn't mind lying about it), I'm becoming anxious about his next trip, in a few weeks.

Add to that I caught him having taken a condom away on a work do and not returning with it, and seeing a friend of his behind my back to the extent he was going to split with me and see her. That was 15-20yrs ago, forgotten but brought up because of recent events. He's supposedly more mature now, but I'm left wondering what else he could have been lying about in the intervening years. I've made it clear a number of times I now need reassurance in word and deed, his usual initial reaction is to be pissed off (I'm asking q, catching him in a lie, or not just letting it go like I did before). I totally do not want to be caught out again.

So, talking about ppl looking forward to the trip last night. I'm anxious, and say something along the lines of 'I don't understand why some ppl just see working away as an opportunity to cheat'. He asks what has brought this on, can't remember what I said, but he rolls his eyes and shakes his head. At which point I get pissed off because with a week till he goes away I'm hoping for reassurance, not dismissive gestures.

How would you interpret it? I'm not on at him every day, but it seems his first response is annoyance, while I think I deserve more empathy and consideration at this point. Am I being unreasonable?

*I'm anxious, and say something along the lines of 'I don't understand why some ppl just see working away as an opportunity to cheat'. He asks what has brought this on, can't remember what I said, but he rolls his eyes and shakes his head. At which point I get pissed off because with a week till he goes away I'm hoping for reassurance, not dismissive gestures.

How would you interpret it?*
For me your comment sounds really passive aggressive and that's why it was met with eye rolling. You need to be open with him and explain how you are feeling and why.
His question what brought this on would have been a perfect opening to this.

You need to be open with him and explain how you are feeling and why.
He knows. I've said so many times that I need reassurance, he still reacts like this instead of a simple reassurance. He knows exactly what I'm going to be thinking and feeling, a week before he goes away again.

Because he's cheating..
I take my engagement ring off because im a nurse, I never forget to put it back on.
I don't need to supply my mates condoms, they're adults.
I wouldn't even dream of looking at the app tinder unless I wanted to hook up. Apps can be installed and disinstalled in seconds...

If my partner did any of this or if he even joked about his mates cheating he would be shown the door..

He would be rather disgusted in them and distance himself, then confide in me about it.

He's a liar and a cheat and he will keep at ig as long as you let him..

Yes you really need to wake up!

OMG what more do you need, he's clearly acting a single man when away, he can't even be arsed to keep in contact with you.

And you keep making excuses for his behaviour, it's pretty obvious to everyone else.

He knows. I've said so many times that I need reassurance, he still reacts like this instead of a simple reassurance. He knows exactly what I'm going to be thinking and feeling, a week before he goes away again.

@FritzDonovan why are you with someone who treats you like this?

So have the conversation again and say I’ve told you i need reassurance. Your behaviour while away is why I need reassurance. It’s up to you whether we get through this and I’m here when you get back or not. You do seem to be making up your mind by dismissing my concerns though.

I don’t like to jump to conclusions but I think I agree he’s been cheating.

I haven't rtft, only about half. However, I think you should focus on how you feel. Are you happy? If not, could you be happy with him? If not, start moving towards that.

okay.. I'm confused.. He cheats.... You don't care.... so why are we here..

I don't know why you're here gemini, as you obviously haven't read the thread properly. Where did I say I didn't care about him cheating?? Ffs.
Thx to the considered advice (thx time) from those who rtft, didn't misquote and therefore jump to conclusions based on that. Those weren't excuses on my part either, they were legitimate situations which apply to many other ppl. I'm well aware when his excuses are looking dodgy, I don't make excuses for him, but as seems to be the case on here sometimes, once someone has an opinion, they seem unable to see anything in another light, no matter how legitimate it may be.

The thing is op, you choose to believe he hasn't/doesn't cheat on you, that's your call.

Beyond that, you can visibly see he doesn't have respect for you, yes? Are you prepared to commit to a relationship where you are viewed as an irritant to him?

The thing is op, you choose to believe he hasn't/doesn't cheat on you, that's your call.
That's not it though, is it? I am aware that he may have, though I have no proof. We worked through that and put it behind us.
And I can see that much of his behaviour has been thoughtless, and some is disrespectful. That's only a part of the relationship. I have been committed to this relationship for a very long time, so it's not a matter of committing or not, it's a matter of understanding the nuances of the relationship we have. Which is what I asked about.

Op i think the proof is that he had a tinder account and took a condom to a work party but didn't come back with it. Sorry but why leave with one in the first place unless he had intentions .
You deserve so much better. I hope you realise this and find the strength to be honest with yourself and leave him , I'm so sorry you're going through this , it must be heart shattering xx

Have you had a recent sti test?
I think you should.

Op i think the proof is that he had a tinder account
He didnt, unless he made one on the spur of the moment along with a new FB account and remembered to wipe all his actions from the history, but accidentally left one search on there.

Wow, unless he'd actually set it up a long time ago, hidden all traces, and just forgot to wipe that search because he was drunk. Oh, but then he would have also forgotten to wipe the visited pages, wouldn't he?

See what I mean? You start jumping to conclusions and there's no end to it. The condom thing I don't believe, but other things I wouldn't even look twice at if that hadn't happened. I'm so hacked off with even having to experience this doubt all over again.
As to sti tests, I've had two DC and medical screening since then, wouldn't something have been picked up or noticed in the decades since?

It seems a weird thing for a husband to search on his phone tbh, would you search for the tinder app? He was also wondering around without his wedding ring on the evenings whilst working away, it kind of paints a picture op. Either way I hope you find the answers that you're looking for OP. Good luck to you xx

There’s been a couple of times my husband has taped his wedding ring up when safety dictates, he’s never removed it, likewise for me. And the first time I forgot to put it back on would make me think “oh I must tape it up instead”

Have you seen the threads on here when a man is confronted over something he has done and becomes much better at hiding it? I’d be inclined to think that’s what happened with the condom, you found out - he now is much more careful.

I’m sorry OP these were the biggest standout things to me that I wouldn’t be able to get past or excuse. I hope he’s able to give you some reassurance before he goes away because it must be torture for you seeing him live it up on Facebook whilst maintaining minimal contact with you.

The testing during pregnancy doesn't cover all sti's, several lie dormant showing no symptoms basically until it's too late to treat. Given some of the places the forces guys visit I would make a FULL sti screening a matter of urgency.

It was the first thing I did when I discovered my ex's infidelity. Luckily all clear. Others aren't so lucky. And some sti's while easily and quickly treated if detected early on can be dangerous and difficult to treat much later on.

As to the emotional side, I still think you're in deep denial.

He isn't reassuring you because he can't. That would be lying to your face and for whatever reason he can't quite bring himself to do that. (Or he knows you'd see right through it as you've known him so long).

Please believe me that such behaviour is absolutely rife in the forces. Plus you have your own reasons that you've outlined to us that make it clear he is a cheat.

Have you asked him outright? Or are you too scare of the answer? Because it seems to me you asking for "reassurance" is a way of you asking without actually asking. Maybe you know him well enough to know either he couldn't deny or would actually admit it - and then you'd actually have to face the fact he has, quite probably several times.

Have you asked him outright?
Of course I have. About every possibly dodgy thing. But, as is the case for most ppl, he is quite capable of denying/lying to my face, as he initially did many years ago when I asked about the condom. Which is why I am asking about opinions on his attitude, as demonstrated recently. If he hadn't broken my trust then, the things happening more recently wouldn't seem dodgy. If you work on a ship where ppl take rings off to avoid degloving their fingers, it makes sense their ring spends more time in a locker where it won't get lost. If you are having a conversation where ppl met on tinder, you might talk about how many ppl this happens to and look to see how many ppl use it (which is shown on google play when you search for it). So it's not all always dodgy individually.

Not having experience of this kind of thing, how do you go about sti tests? GP 'I think my dh has been unfaithful, please test for anything possible?'

Why can’t he tape his ring up? Put tape over it? Not being antagonistic, just wondering if there’s a genuine reason?

You can go to your sexual health clinic and ask for a full screening.

You are dismissing everything anyone posts - so there's not much point anyone writing anything. You are determined to not see things properly.

Your gut instinct is telling you somethings do not add up. If you will not listen to the wise advice here then at least listen to your gut instinct - it is rarely wrong.

You would go to a drop in clinic, a lot of hospitals run them.

Why can’t he tape his ring up? Put tape over it?
Because he's onboard for weeks on end, with a few days ashore here and there. Would get pretty yucky I imagine.
You are dismissing everything anyone posts - so there's not much point anyone writing anything. You are determined to not see things properly.
No, I'm dismissing the bits where ppl have extrapolated after misreading or making info up . If that's not seeing things properly....

You're STILL excusing and minimising for him - while also clearly seriously considering sti checks.

I'm worried if you find you have an sti that ISN'T one of the ones that lay dormant but recently acquired that will come as such a huge shock to you it will be too distressing. But for your physical health it is essential.

It's so prevalent in the forces they're regularly given official info on it in attempts to reduce the issue. It's I think still part of basic training.

Look, you have all the evidence you need that he is has (and probably still is) cheating on you. But you dont want it to be true so you are not believing it. Thats ok and perfectly understandable, but what you do need to accept is that ignoring or excusing his behaviour isnt going to make this go away or not be happening.

I have been you and my mental health suffered horrifically. I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. I could tell something wasnt right but because he lied and denied and, like your DH, refused to give me the reassurance I needed, I was sure I was paranoid and losing it.

I wasnt. He was cheating. I wish I had listened to my hunch the first time instead of refusing to think it could be true and doing such damage to myself.

'Also had an email acc attached to the Xbox account which I wasn't really aware of, which had a number of permanently deleted (and therefore unrecoverable ) emails, apparently last accessed just before he got back. Which is supposed to be just a glitch or something.'

This is so dodgy. Perhaps this was his Tinder email?